Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)

WARNING: Continuity and consistency mean nothing to me. I will mow down the fourth wall with a bulldozer whenever the urge hits me. You have been warned. Those of you still here, enjoy the ride. :)

AN: There aren't enough humorous Evangelion fics out there and I intend to help with this discrepancy. NGE may be a naturally dark series, but that's why it's perfect for making fun of! If Ranma ½ can have angst fics, Sailor Moon can have darkfics, and Pokemon can have romance fics (eww!!!) then why not?

Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:



-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen


-Robotic Rei-

Somewhere inside NERV...

The sirens blared, sending workers scrambling to their posts. The complex was switched over to emergency lighting that cast everything in a harsh red glow. All nonessential personnel were evacuated within minutes of the alarm. NERV had gone on full emergency status to deal with their newest and most dangerous threat to Tokyo-3 and the world.

Rei Ayanami. Classified as the 17th and a ½ Angel. (1)

Two red eyes shone out of the shadows lighting up the dimly lit hallway like a laser. An albino, bluehaired girl in a white plugsuit appeared from the darkness looking incredibly hot and dangerous. And did I mention hot?

"Why are you doing this?" a voice cried from above her.

Rei stopped and turned her head toward the security camera tracking her movements.

"I must destroy," Rei intoned in her emotionless, monotonous, soulless, inhuman, (are you getting the point?) voice.

There was no reply so the girl continued on her way to Terminal Dogma.

~ * ~

On the Nerv bridge...

"Damn it, where's Gendo?" Misato asked looking around wildly. "I'm not taking the blame for this!"

"He's still in the hospital from when I accidentally stepped on him with my EVA last month, remember?" Shinji replied.

The bridge crew looked at him. Maya said slowly, "I've been meaning to ask you about that. How do you 'accidentally' break through your restraints, run through seventeen walls, land directly on your father's office then stomp on your father half a dozen times?"

"I must have hit a wrong button or something," Shinji said laughing nervously. He quickly changed the subject. "And speaking of things gone horribly wrong, shouldn't we get in our EVAs to stop Rei?"

Misato smiled grimly. "Didn't you hear? After the last Angel attack, Fuyutsuki secretly sold the EVAs to the Smithsonian and brought an island in the Caribbean."


"He also left a note for your father." She passed a piece of paper to Shinji.

'Ikari, do you have a scenario for *this,* you uptight control freak? I didn't think so. See you in hell! Best wishes, Fuyutsuki.'

Misato said, "I have to admit that if it wasn't for our impending gruesome deaths, I'd send him a fruit basket. I mean, who knew he had it in him?"

"Aaahh!" Asuka who had been silent until now screamed. "What the hell are you people doing? We have to do something to stop Wondergirl from starting Third Impact!"

"That's our cue to go to our pointless, bloody deaths," Misato informed the bridge. "Come on, folks."

As Asuka moved to follow, Shinji grabbed her arm. "Wait a minute. Rei *can't* start Third Impact. Father's in the hospital along with the Adam embryo implanted in his hand. Rei can't start Third Impact with just Lilith!" Shinji gained a thoughtful look. "And how do I know all of this anyway?"

Asuka looked around nervously. "Baka! There's no time to talk about massive plot holes and continuity damage. We have to stop Rei!"

Asuka grabbed Shinji's arm and dragged him toward the elevator. One directly opposite of the one Misato was leaving on. For you see, Asuka had a plan.

The world is doomed.

~ * ~

In the hallway outside Terminal Dogma...

It was an impressive sight. All of the Section 2's top agents (translation: all those who hadn't run away in time) covered the main entrance with an array of weaponry that would have made Kensuke sell his mother just to get a glimpse of.

Major Misato Katsuragi had her serious face on. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her lips were set in a thin line. She turned to her troops. "Men, we are the last line of defense for humanity. This Angel must be stopped at all costs. You are authorized to use lethal force to take out the threat."

Suddenly, Misato straightened up and rubbed the back of her head nervously. "But try not to hurt her too badly, okay? The Commander will kill us! We do seem to have a current shortage of Reis." She glared at Ritsuko who was staring off to the side and whistling innocently.

"There she is!" Makoto cried.

Indeed, moving silently toward them was the First Child. She looked like a demon brought to life. But once again, an incredibly hot demon girl.

Shigeru turned to his friend. "Why must our artificial creations always turn against us?"

"Because it's a standard bad science fiction cliché?" Makoto suggested.

Misato ignored the commentary and said, "Fire!"

A wave of gunfire streaked down the hallway. Rei raised a hand and the bullets stopped mere inches from her body and dropped to the ground. It was almost as if the bullets had hit some type of force field.

"She's the One," an agent said in awe.

His head was immediately blown off by his partner for that horrible, horrible pop culture reference.

"Cease fire!" Misato cried. "Rei! Please stop and listen to me for a moment!"

Rei did stop and though her visage didn't change an iota, she did tilt her head slightly to the side.

"You don't want to do this, Rei. You don't want to hurt your friends. You don't want to hurt Shinji or Asuka. Well, actually, I wouldn't blame you about killing Asuka, but what about the rest of us? I mean, sure, we made you from a monster, used you like a tool, and brought you back to life over and over again when what you really wanted was the sweet release of death. But we did these things out of love and compassion! Right, Ritsuko?"

"What the hell are you smoking?" Ritsuko blurted. "Uh, I mean, what she said. We lo-lo-love you, Rei." She smiled sickly.

Misato sighed. "Okay, let's cut the bullshit. You have every reason in the world to kill us all, but deep down I don't think you want to. You were built to destroy Rei, but I think you can learn to love."

Rei's body started trembling.

Misato stared at her in shock. Was Rei going to cry? Did she really have emotions deep down? Was there more to Rei Ayanami than was shown on the surface? Was Rei... performing the Robot dance? And... giving them the finger?

"That's it. The bitch dies!" Ritsuko cried pulling an object out of her bag and throwing it at Rei.


There was nothing left of Rei but splatters of blood on the walls and ceiling.

"What was that?!"

Ritsuko smiled smugly. "Just a little something I've been working on. A mine that can penetrate an AT Field and vaporize its creator. She won't be back."

The blood turned silver. Puddles of goo formed out of nowhere and began joining together into a humanoid shape.

The panicked soldiers began shooting with everything they had to no avail.

Misato stared at the reforming Rei in horror. "She's not human!"

Ritsuko gave her friend a Look. "We've known that since Episode 23, you idiot!"

Misato stared at her blankly.

"Come on! You just dissed me about destroying all those Rei clones!" Still no comprehension. "She's an Angel for crying out loud!"

"What's that have to do with Rei not being human?"

Ritsuko fell over.

Misato smiled to herself. If she was going to die, she wasn't doing it without pissing off Ritsuko first.

The fully reformed Rei came into contact with the first line and...


~ * ~

Inside Terminal Dogma...

"Asuka! Will you please tell me your plan?" Shinji whined.

"For the last time, no! I want this to be a surprise. Now, just sit there and be a good human shield," Asuka replied.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Shinji muttered.

The doorway began to open causing both Children to stiffen.

"Something wicked this way comes," Asuka whispered.

"Asuka, that's mean," Shinji protested.

"Of course, it's mean! She's not coming in here to have a tea party, you moron!"

Rei came in through the doorway looking like she always did. One wouldn't have been able to guess that it was her intent to destroy the world. She didn't appear to notice the two pilots directly in her path.

"Stop right there, you stupid doll!" Asuka yelled.

"Way to get on her good side, Asuka," Shinji said sarcastically. To his surprise, Rei did stop and it may have been his imagination, but it looked like her eyebrow was twitching.

Asuka whipped out a large red folder out of nowhere and began flipping through it. "According to my Evangelion FAQ guide, you're attempting to jumpstart human evolution and bring us to a perfect state of being."

"..." Rei said.

Asuka continued, "Logically, that means humans are imperfect. And since you said that your mission was to destroy, that means you interpret Third Impact as destroying an imperfect humanity and replacing it with a better one." She paused dramatically. "Wondergirl, you are imperfect as well though."

Shinji fell over then got up yelling, "This is your grand plan? Pulling a Captain Kirk?!"

"Ssh! This will work." Asuka turned back to Rei. "Since your mission is to destroy what is imperfect and you are obviously imperfect being part human and well, you I think for you to carry out your mission you have to destroy yourself first!"

There was a long pause. Then Rei said slowly, "The Second Child is correct. I must carry out my prime directive."

She slumped to the floor and the red glow in her eyes dimmed then was extinguished completely.

"Yay! I'm the best! I'm the best!" Asuka exclaimed jumping up and down.

Shinji rubbed his eyes in disbelief. "I can't believe that worked. I thought for sure Rei would realize that the most efficient way to complete her mission is to initiate Third Impact thus destroying all of us *and* herself."

The red glow came back to Rei's eyes and she sat up. "Thank you, Ikari-kun. I had not considered that."

"SHINJI NO BAKA!!!" Asuka cried slamming Shinji into a wall. Then she calmed down and said, "Time for Plan B then!"

She pulled out a remote and pushed a button. The tile beneath Rei's feet disappeared and she fell into a vat of liquid nitrogen.

Not completely though. Rei had flung out her arms and succeeded in keeping everything above her shoulders from going under, but it was obvious that she didn't have the strength to pull herself out.

Asuka breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank God for the Commander's paranoia." Then she raised her foot to push Rei down and finish the job, but Shinji stopped her. He looked very old at the moment. He said quietly, "An Ikari started this mess. An Ikari will finish it."

He knelt down by Rei and gently stroked her hair. "I'm sorry, Aya- Rei. I never thought that it would end this way. I'm really going to miss you. You were one of the few friends I ever had." He closed his eyes and prepared to push down before he felt a hand touching his face.

Shinji opened his eyes. Rei's face was as impassive as always, but he could feel the force of her stare looking into him.

Rei said softly, "I am and always will be your friend." She raised her arms above her head and sank beneath the icy liquid.


Author's Aftersection

Vincent (staring at screen): GAAHH!!! What the hell?! This was supposed to be a humor fic!

(Asuka walks into the room)

Asuka: You're just too sentimental. But you have a bigger problem. You made Rei's character inconsistent.

Vincent: You're going to have to narrow it down there, A-chan.

Asuka: The point of this chapter was to make fun of those people who believe Rei is an emotionless robot who doesn't care about anyone. A view I completely agree with by the way. But in the end, you made her a Vulcan!

Vincent (shrugging): Vulcan, robot. What's the difference?

(Asuka glares)

Vincent (sighs): I was just showing the alternative to Robot Rei. I always thought Rei was more akin to a Spock or a Commander Data or a Seven of Nine than an automaton. Besides, I felt Rei deserved a better death than being put down like a rabid dog.

(Asuka doesn't look like she's buying it)

Asuka: You just couldn't resist using the Spock death speech, could you?


(Asuka stalks out in disgust)

(Shinji sticks his head in)

Shinji: I just want to thank you for not making me a spineless wimp in this chapter.

Vincent (smiling evilly): You shouldn't thank me just yet. I have plans for you, Shinji, my boy.

(Shinji pales and runs away... as is usual for him)

Vincent (looks after Shinji thoughtfully then shakes his head): Let the poor boy quiver in fear for a while. Besides, it'll be more fun to do Asuka next.


(1) Remember that humanity is the 18th Angel.

*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:

-Star Trek, Matrix, Lilo & Stich, Ray Bradbury, Ranma ½, Terminator, and of course... the Simpsons.