Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)

REMEMBER: Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but spoofs are funnier to write.

Review Replies:

Dany le fou - I can't believe I didn't think of that! Well, it's probably a good thing since the story would have ended rather quickly at that point...

Moosey Moose - I believe I just found someone with a stranger sense of humor than mine.

Hououza - I was hoping that somebody would mention Rei's wish. I have to admit that was my favorite part to write.

Optimus Magnus - I wish my craziness could be explained away with mind altering chemicals, but I'm naturally this way. Scary, isn't it?

Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:



-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen


-Evil Overlord Gendo-


It was a dark and stormy night. The rain fell in sheets drenching those unlucky stragglers forced to be out in this weather. The buildings of Tokyo- 3 have never looked so foreboding as they did that night. The power had been knocked out hours ago and the citizens of the city cowered from both the cold and the darkness. The wind howled like a banshee causing children to shiver in their beds. The air was heavy with gloom and despair.

Normally the sight of such misery would have brought much joy to Gendo Ikari's withered black heart but not tonight. Not even the news about the busload of nuns that had been buried in an avalanche could bring a smile to his lips. He was that unhappy. There were many reasons for his unhappiness:

1. His son was a spineless wimp who was a blight on the Ikari name.

2. He was reliving the loss of his beloved Yui.

3. He had brought a brand-new dashing black cape and no one had noticed.

4. He couldn't do a maniacal laugh to save his life.

5. He was once again brooding over the fact his villainous lair was several hundred feet below ground rather in the traditional drafty old castle.

But the true reason for Gendo's foul mood this night concerned none of these. Gendo had just discovered that his application to become a member of the Evil Overlords of Earth had been denied. Again. For the fifth time that year.

The EOE was the most exclusive club in the world accepting only the most dastardly and cruel. No one knew the true origins of this organization, but it was said to have been started by a group of disgruntled despots who were tired of the loneliness inherent in being an Evil Overlord. Many a would-be world conqueror failed because of their desperation to reveal their diabolical plans to someone who could understand their genius. And those someones more often than not turned out to be the heroes who would inevitably defeat them.

It was disappointing that the creation of the EOE didn't stop its members from failing to conquer or destroy the world time and time again, but at least they had peers they could commiserate with at the monthly meetings.

Gendo had been trying to join for the last ten years and he could not understand why he kept being rejected. Was he not the Bastard King? Children fled at the sight of him, countries trembled before his wrath, and in some parts of the world, he was considered the Antichrist. And why not? He had reached levels of blasphemy that the world had never seen! He was defying God Himself! What else did he have to do?!

Fuyutsuki walked into the office and saw Gendo grumbling. "So they still won't let you in?"

Gendo glared at him. "You know damn well they didn't. Do you have the latest numbers?"

Fuyutsuki pulled a folder out of his satchel. "Yes. Unfortunately, you're still falling behind Hitler, Vader, and Barney the Dinosaur for Most Evil Being in the last hundred years."

"I hate Barney," Gendo growled.

"You and everyone else over ten. Face it, Gendo. You're an utter bastard, but you're not that Evil. I have some good news though. I found these poll results in Time."

Gendo grabbed the proffered magazine and glanced at it. "Hmm. Number five. Not bad. I'm just ahead of R. Kelly and Michael Jackson for... WHAT?!!!"

Gendo crumpled the magazine. "Damnation! Why does everyone think I'm a pedophile?!"

"I have no idea. *cough* Rei *cough* Yui *cough* obsession."

Gendo glared at the sub-commander. "Oh shut up. If all I wanted was sex with a Yui lookalike, I could have 20 prostitutes who resembled her down to the mole on her ankle here within an hour."

"Yeah, that will prove you're not a sexual deviant," Fuyutsuki replied smirking.

Gendo took out his revolver and shot Fuyutsuki three times in the chest then twice in the face. After the corpse had collapsed to the floor, Gendo picked up the phone and said, "Activate the Eighth."

After hanging up, he wondered if creating the Fuyutsuki clones (1) had been a good idea. The man had become downright incorrigible after he discovered that he was virtually immortal. On the other hand, killing his old sensei once in a while was a great stress reliever.


Next morning...

Fuyutsuki massaged his neck as he walked down the corridor. It was nice not having to worry about death anymore, but the amount of time it took to wear in a new body grated on him. Perhaps he should stop needling Gendo so much. Nah.

It wasn't like he did any actual work around here. Standing around and nodding solemnly at appropriate moments was pretty much the sum of his duties. The change in routine was refreshing if somewhat painful.

He walked into Gendo's office and wondered if a toy store had exploded. The room was filled with Christmas trees, wrapped presents, nativity scenes, yule logs, stockings, and piles of frozen turkeys. And in the center of it all was Gendo dressed like a conductor playing with a train set.

So he finally snapped, Fuyutsuki thought. No, there had to be a logical explanation for this.

"Choo, choo!" Gendo cheered.

Perhaps he was too quick to dismiss the insanity idea. Fuyutsuki asked, "What are you doing?"

Gendo got to his feet. "It's my most brilliant idea ever! What better way to prove my Evil? I have stolen Christmas from the children of Tokyo-3!"

Fuyutsuki looked at him oddly. "I hate to break it to you, but it's been done."

Gendo's smile disappeared. "What you talking about, Kouzo?"

"Haven't you heard of Doctor Seuss?" Fuyutsuki asked.

Gendo rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "So this Seuss stole my idea. I think we need to make an example of this man. No one crosses Gendo Ikari and lives!"

Fuyutsuki stared at his former student in disbelief. "Even as a child, you were one messed-up little bastard, weren't you?"

Gendo shot him again.


Next day...

"What are you hoping to accomplish with this?" Fuyutsuki asked watching Gendo fiddle with the knobs on the television set.

"I decided that I needed to relax. And messing with my son is always relaxing."


"Ssh! It's starting."


Shinji Ikari woke up and tried to rub the grit from his eyes. But his arm was jerked back before it reached his face. Shinji seemed to realize that something was wrong. His sluggish brain leaped into overdrive as it computed the following facts:

Fact 1: There was another person next to him.

Fact 2: There was a metal band around his wrist.

Fact 3: There was a metal band around the other person's wrist.

Fact 4: There was a chain connecting the two metal bands.

Conclusion 1: He was handcuffed to the other person.

Fact 5: A close look revealed he was naked.

Fact 6: A closer, longer look revealed that the other person was also naked.

Fact 7: The other person was Asuka.

Conclusion 2: He was going to die.

"Oh, mother of God, no..." Shinji whimpered.

Asuka yawned and opened her eyes. She blinked, confusion evident on her face. Then her face went from angelic to demonic in the space of a second. "PERVERT!!!"

"Not the face! Not the face!"



Fuyutsuki looked over to a snickering Gendo. "You may not get into the EOE, but you're a shoe-in for Worst Father of the Decade."

"Wait, there's more," Gendo said.


After Shinji had received the beating of a lifetime, Asuka had gotten Misato to get the handcuffs off. Now, Shinji sagged onto his bed and reached for his SDAT player. He put the headphones on and pressed play.

"Aahhh!" Shinji screamed throwing the player across the room.

"...I love you, you love me... we're a happy family..."

Shinji shook a fist at the ceiling. "Why are you doing this to me?!" He sighed. "At least this day can't get any worse."


Gendo had fallen out of his chair and was struggling to breathe. "The laughter hurts... BWHAHAHAHA! Wait until he finds out about the naked baby pictures I posted on his class website."

Fuyutsuki held a hand to his face. "Ikari, you had your fun, but you really need to do something despicable and Evil if you want to keep your edge."

Gendo sobered up. "You're right. I know just what to do."


One week later...

"This isn't quite what I had in mind," Fuyutsuki said. From the hangar overlooking the bridge, he and Gendo could see firsthand the results of NERV's "All Female Employees Must Come to Work Naked" Day.

Misato was glaring at the bridge crew as if daring them to look up from their workstations.

Asuka had already beaten up three security agents for 'looking at her funny.'

Rei was looking around curiously and wondering what the big deal was.

Shinji had passed out from a massive nosebleed half an hour ago.

Fuyutsuki tried once again to talk some sense into his friend. "Gendo, this isn't Evil... it's just perverted."

Gendo was too busy adjusting his binoculars to reply.


A few weeks after that...

The time for fun and games was over. He had to take a proactive approach to becoming an Evil Overlord. It had taken him a few weeks pulling every string he had, but he finally obtained a private meeting with the EOE Selection Committee. He sat in the holographic projection room waiting for the appointed time. He briefly wondered if the price for this meeting was too high. He had promised the committee the firstborn child of his son. Well, he had always hated children and the likelihood of Shinji ever getting laid was slim so it was win-win either way.

His lip curled as the first projection appeared. Sauron. That puffed up fireball was a waste of hot air. Behind the media hype and the movie endorsements was nothing more than the loser who had been defeated by two hobbits. Hobbits!

The second projection was only slightly better. Voldemort, terror of the Wizarding World. Gendo admitted that the wizard had definite power and skill, but he was a pompous ass. A slightly cracked one at that. Not many villains got second chances and this man wasted his on his obsession over some little boy. (AN: Gendo's perfectly aware of his own obsessions so no need to point that out to me.)

The three members meeting him were supposed to be some of the most feared people of the late 20th century, but so far he wasn't impressed. Then he saw the third projection and a chill went down his spine as his eyes fell upon the man whose evil was still plaguing the people of the world. Bill Gates, the inventor of the Blue Screen of Death, a truly horrendous creation.

It had taken months of negotiation with the world monopoly to convince them that it might not be a good idea to outfit the supercomputer responsible for saving the world with a Windows operating system. (2)

Voldemort leaned forward and asked, "Why have you called us?"

Gendo tried to hide his disgust as how horribly those beady red eyes clashed with the grey skin. At least when we designed Rei we had some sense of aesthetics, Gendo thought. Then he composed himself and said, "I demand to know why I keep being rejected for membership."

Voldemort replied, "I would have thought it was obvious. You're attempting to save the world from the monsters who would destroy it. That's not exactly EOE material."

"But that's just a cover," Gendo protested. "I have truly nefarious plans. I do!"

"I'm sure you do, but until you succeed or more likely fail spectacularly you can't join. Also, you answer to a group of old men, which makes you a lackey, and it doesn't matter how impressive a lackey is."

"Darth Vader was a lackey!"

Voldemort shrugged. "Vader was cool so he got away with it."

Gendo almost snarled but caught himself. "Surely there is something I can do to prove myself."

The three Evil Overlords conferred quietly then Voldemort spoke again. "We understand that these Angels have to be stopped, but it has occurred to us that you do not need *all* your pilots to do so."

"I see." Gendo sat quietly for a moment. "And what of my fee for this meeting?"

"Waived, of course."


One day later...

"You're really going to do this?" Fuyutsuki asked. "To your own son? Oh sorry, I forgot who I was talking to."

Gendo looked irritated. "Don't you understand? This will put me over the top. And I won't be doing it personally. I would never dirty my hands with such menial labor."

"Do you really believe that there is no blood on your hands? Yui will never forgive you for killing her son."

The words were out there, finally spoken out loud rendering both men silent.

Then Gendo shook his head and said, "Let me worry about Yui." He tapped his fingers. "Rei should be finished around now."

Fuyutsuki looked surprised. "You had Rei do it?"

Gendo smirked. "I thought it would be a delicious twist. And wait until you hear the best part. I told her to bring me my son's head. I'd like to see someone top that!"

Fuyutsuki looked sick.

"She should be here soon."

The door opened and Rei came in. She looked paler than usual. She gave a slight bow and said, "I have brought you the head of Shinji Ikari."

Gendo looked at the object cradled in the girl's arms. "Rei... IT'S STILL CONNECTED TO THE REST OF HIM!"

Shinji woke up. "Where am I? And why are you holding me, Rei? Is Father messing with me again?"

Gendo stared at Rei wondering if she had misunderstood his orders. She wouldn't meet his eyes. A scowl came over his features as he realized what was going on. He struggled to control his anger. She was his! How dare she disobey him? He wanted to order Rei to finish the job he sent her to do, but he knew that would only prolong his humiliation.

He said dangerously, "We will speak of this later. Now get out."

Rei bowed again and left with Shinji still in her arms.

Fuyutsuki looked after them. He said quietly, "Should I prepare a replacement?"

"No," Gendo replied. "Rei just helped me realize something. You were right, Professor. I haven't achieved anything with these stupid stunts. I call myself a criminal mastermind, but I don't even have the respect of my own puppet. It's time I took some real action."


One month later...

The room was suddenly filled with black monoliths.

"Why have you called us here, Ikari?" Seele 01 asked.

Gendo stood in the center of the room, his back ramrod straight and his arms held loosely by his side. He said, "It has come to my attention that there is a problem with our partnership."

"What are you talking about? There is no partnership. You work for us!" Seele 05 said.

"That is the problem."

There was complete silence in the room. Then Seele 01 said, "You do not want to do this, Ikari."

Gendo smiled. "Don't I? I have the MAGI. I have the Evangelions. And you? All you have is money. And I don't need that as much as you think."

"Ikari, reconsider. We are some of the most powerful people on the planet..." Seele 10 began.

"Correction. You *were* some of the most powerful people on the planet." Gendo raised his wrist to his mouth and spoke into his cufflink. "Now."

Gunshots rang out. Sounds of doors being broken were distinct in the background. The monoliths cried out in shock and pain before their images turned to static.


Gendo shook his head in mock sadness. "Did you really think you could hide from me?"


Twelve hours later...


Fuyutsuki shook his head in amazement. "The JSSDP have sworn allegiance to you, which pretty much gives you control of Japan. The UN is in chaos. And word through the back channels is that the European Union is interested in opening talks with you."

Gendo steepled his fingers looking strangely like Monty Burns. "Ex-cel- lent."

"Why are you doing this? None of this will matter after Instrumentality."

Gendo was intently studying a world map. "Today Japan. Tomorrow the world!"

Fuyutsuki tried again. "What about Yui?"

"Yui who? Oh, her." Gendo shrugged. "It's not like she's going anywhere. And she knows that it's always been a dream of mine to take over the world."

"And such a grand dream it is too."

"I always thought so," Gendo replied totally missing the sarcasm.

"What do you plan to do now?" Fuyutsuki asked deciding to give in to this madness.

Gendo smirked. "To take care of the sleeping giant in the west."


Later that afternoon (Pacific Standard Time)...

Imagine if you will, a bloody war scene from any famous military movie. Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan, whatever. Now toss in some high tech weapons and three biomechanical Godzillas and you get an image that's pretty close to this director's cut of 'The EVAs Take America."

And if you're the squeamish type, you can imagine those tanks being stepped on and those planes falling to the ground in flaming pieces of wreckage are being piloted by robot drones.

The three EVAs continued their stroll across the Midwest toward D.C trailing the longest extension cords the world had ever seen. Guiness World Records was en route to meet them later. In one of their rare quiet moments, Asuka asked, "Doesn't this seem wrong to anyone?"

Shinji replied, "Well, normally, I would say yes but it feels kinda good taking out these arrogant Americans."

"I'm an American!" (3)

"Fancy that," Shinji said innocently.

"Argh!" Asuka growled. "Don't you care that your father's trying to take over the world?"

"Not really. The world's going to be messed up no matter who's in charge."

"Thank you for your cheerful outlook on life. What do you think, Rei? Rei? Damn it, turn on your screen!"

Rei's monitor remained blank as it had all day.

Shinji's voice grew concerned. "Rei, please turn on your screen. We need to see that you're okay? Did Father do something to you?"

There was a long pause then Rei's image appeared on her screen. Her face was etched with misery. This may have been due to the metal collar fastened around her neck, which was inscribed with the words, PROPERTY OF GENDO IKARI.

Asuka looked over at Shinji and raised an eyebrow.

Shinji growled, "As I was saying, let's kill the bastard! But first..."

Shinji took great pleasure in stomping on a nearby McDonald's. "That's for making McNuggets all white meat, you morons!" (4)

A few hours later, the three giant robots were huddled around the glowing remains of a nuclear power plant trying to ward off the chill of a Michigan winter. The three pilots were once again reminded of the downsides of feeling everything an EVA felt. (AN: What *is* the upside to that, anyway?)

"So anybody - got - any bright ideas - for stopping Ikari?" Asuka asked through clattering teeth.

"There is nothing we can do. The Commander has a scenario against everything," Rei said absentmindedly. She was intently trying to pick the padlock on her collar.

"That's impossible!" Shinji scoffed. "Does he have a plan against-"


"What about-"


"What if we-"

"Wouldn't work."

"Could you let me finish-"


Deciding that Rei was in a bad mood, Shinji executed Escape Plan 7 (Avoid Wrath of Angry Female) and tried to fade into the background.

Asuka rolled her eyes at the sight of a cringing EVA then turned to Rei. "Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. Since you're such the expert, why don't *you* come up with a plan?"

A strange glint appeared in Rei's eyes. "Very well. I will do so." Then she smiled a very small and very evil smile.


Three weeks later...

Gendo walked through NERV wondering what was going on. The closer he got to Central Dogma, the more frantic everyone around him became. People were fleeing at the sight of him and while that wasn't unheard of he felt uneasy anyway. Upon stepping onto the bridge, he pulled Fuyutsuki aside. "What's going on? I've seen headless chickens with more composure."

"They're afraid of your reaction." Fuyutsuki looked around. "Let's go to your office."

Walking down the long corridors, Fuyutsuki said, "First of all, the EVAs have vanished from our tracking systems. We have no idea where they are right now."

"So the Children have rebelled. No matter. We can easily get them to come back by holding Major Katsuragi hostage."

"Katsuragi's gone with about a third of the personnel."

Gendo shrugged. "That just means I have less parasites to pay. Back to important matters. The loss of Unit 01 is disconcerting but not fatal to the scenario. I'm sure the MAGI can create new EVAs from the graveyard..."

Fuyutsuki's voice lowered. "The MAGI are gone along with the EVA graveyard, the Dummy Plug system, and all the cloning technology."

Gendo's eye twitched. He took a deep breath then said, "So the Children want to fight the Angels on their own. Fine. I could use the vacation. I admit that this complicates things a bit but we will pull through. All that matters is Instrumentality."

"They also took Lilith, the Lance, and the Adam embryo."

Gendo stopped in his tracks. He slowly turned to the other man and screamed, "HOW THE HELL DID THEY MANAGE THAT?!!!"

His body started trembling and his face turned red. Then he began swearing at the top of his lungs. "#@^$%$%$#&!!! $#^$&*&%%$#@!!! **^$&%^&*^!!!!!!!!!!"

The walls began to melt, the lights shattered, and two nearby technicians spontaneously combusted.

Once Gendo had finished, Fuyutsuki pulled out his earplugs and continued, "I have no idea how they did all this, but Rei is obviously the mastermind. She has the highest security clearance after you and me."

Gendo massaged his temples. So the student sought to surpass the master, did she? He'd have some coffee first then get to work on bringing down his wayward creation. He opened the door to his office and stood frozen in shock. "She... took... my... desk."

And thus the Great Ayanami-Ikari War was begun.

Or it would have started except...


Gendo took out his cell phone. "Hello?"

"This is Social Services. Our records indicate that you haven't paid child support for a Shinji Ikari for the last ten years..."

"What the-"


"Please hold. Hello?"

"This is the Society for the Livelihood of Artificial People. SLAP is bringing a lawsuit against you for abusing the rights of your creations..."

"I don't know who you are but you can't-"


Gendo sighed. "Hello?"

"This is the U.S Department of Homeland Security. In cooperation with the Japanese Government, we have frozen your accounts..."


...it seemed that Gendo was going to have his hands full for a while.


In an underground office far, far away...

A pair of red eyes peered over the top of her clasped hands. "The scenario is going as planned. By the time Ikari escapes the web we have spun for him, it will be too late to stop our plans..."

Shinji and Asuka looked at each other as Rei continued ranting.

Asuka whispered, "I think the desk is getting to her."

"Yeah... let's blame it on the desk. Just come on and help me," Shinji said. He and Asuka both grabbed an arm and dragged a struggling Rei from the office.

"What are you doing? I order you to release me. I am Commander Ayanami!"

Shinji glared at Asuka. "This is your fault, you know."

Asuka shrugged helplessly. "I sent that application in as a joke! How was I supposed to know that the EOE would accept her?"


Author's Aftersection

Vincent: MUHAHAHA...ugh... Note to self - work on evil laughter.

Shinji: I can't believe you ended it like that...

Vincent: It's just a joke. We both know that Rei would never try to take over the world. Right, Rei?"

Rei: Hai...

(Rei quickly hides the schematics for what appears to be a thermonuclear device in her bag.)

Vincent: Let's take a break before we get back to work.

(A little while later, Asuka comes in to see Rei, Shinji and Vincent lying on the floor staring at the ceiling.)

Asuka: Why are you just staring at the ceiling? It's not even one of Shinji's magical ones.

Vincent: We are not simply staring at the ceiling. We are pondering deep thoughts about our lives and the world we live in. It's called introspection and doing it on a regular basis like we are will help ensure good mental health.

Rei: I am just staring at the ceiling.

Shinji: Uh... me too.

Vincent (sighs): You two give introverts a bad name.

(The trio go back to staring at the ceiling. Asuka, not wanting to be left out, joins them.)

(A few minutes later...)

Asuka (whines): I'm bored... Shinji, want to kiss?

(Shinji tries to hide behind Rei. Asuka thinks this is perverted somehow and attacks Shinji. Rei tries futilely to escape and gets further entangled up with the two screaming Children.)

Vincent (turns to audience): Do you see what I have to work with?


Author's Comments:

I really dislike Gendo Ikari (I'd say hate but you can't really hate a fictional person) so I was surprised at how much fun I had with this chapter. This came from an impulse to deny Gendo something he really wanted and the story just exploded from there. As for the means of his downfall, I suppose I could have wrote some epic battle pitting mighty forces against each other, but I'm a fan of poetic justice and it was more satisfying to have Gendo face his worst nightmare: loss of control.


(1) I got the Fuyutsuki clones idea from the Eva fic, "Conversations and Observations," by Pitviper. You can find the link under My Favorites Stories on my profile page.

(2) This joke was inspired by a fic by Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong called "MS- MAGI."

(3) Asuka is an American citizen with mixed German-Japanese blood who was raised in Germany. People tend to forget that for some reason.

(4) *shrug* I like dark meat.

*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:

-Star Wars, Barney, Grinch, Different Strokes, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Simpsons, Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan, and Godzilla.

Please review!