DISCLAIMER: You may wonder why I'm still doing these disclaiming things despite them being highly unnecessary by this point. Well, the truth is that I've become sort of attached to the little buggers. Indeed, the chapters would seem kind of empty without them…perish the thought! So I'm dedicating this chapter written about the Iliad which I do not own to the oft underappreciated disclaimer. Oh, and to Ziltron for reminding me I'm supposed to be working on this thing. Honestly, how do people update regularly with school and work and stuff going on? One of the true mysteries of life.
PLAINS OF TROY
Valiantly ignoring the vaguely sacrilegious events of the previous chapter – namely Diomedes maiming a couple gods – the warriors on both sides throw themselves into the battle, slaying people we've never heard of left and right. And sometimes in the middle. Of course, the skirmishes are fought in slow mo, giving the combatants plenty of time to introduce themselves and have a cup of tea (and perhaps a scone or two) between blows, then afterwards the victor rifles through the loser's belongings, absconding with anything that catches their eye, such as an especially becoming helmet or a particularly shiny battle skirt. Even the warriors that readers actually recognize are getting in on the action.
Menelaus: Haha! The famous and mighty Trojan warrior is now at my mercy! …Er, what was your name again?
Mighty but apparently not too famous warrior: My name's Adrestus and I am one of Troy's greatest fighters. hugs Menelaus' legs Please don't hurt me!!
Menelaus: Um…how bout I just call you "You There"? All these names are giving me a headache. And why should I spare your life?
You There: I'll be your best friend! And…and…I'll give you a bunch of booty! My family's loaded! We've got tripods out the wazoo! Puhleeease?
Menelaus: Hmm…a dilemma. On the one hand, I'm rarely given credit for actually defeating anyone so my show-off brother, that mama's boy Achilles, and random flaming people get all the glory. On the other hand, I DO love booty, especially in tripod form…wish I knew what those things were for, though…
Overhearing this exchange and anticipating that his brother's tripod fetish was going to win him over, Aggie speeds over and delivers his best motivational speech.
Aggie: BABAWK!! I didn't know my brother was a chicken-boy! Too CHICKEN to kill your enemy, CHICKEN-boy? Bawk, bawk, bawk!
Inspired by his brother's noble words, Menelaus strengthened his resolve and courageously killed the unarmed man, with a little help from his brother.
Menelaus: Ha! Showed you I'm not a chicken-boy! sticks out tongue
Aggie: Oh yeah? Well I bet I've killed more people?
Menelaus: Have not!
Aggie: Have too!
Menelaus: The ones on our side don't count!
Aggie: Yeah, well…I've still killed more!! Race ya to the front lines!
Menelaus: Wait! We forgot to loot the body! He said he's loaded! And look at that fashionably tarnished battle skirt!
Nestor: Now, boys, loot later! We're in the middle of battle; shouldn't you be killing someone?
Aggie: Aww…okay. Ooh! Dibs on that guy!
Menelaus: No fair! I saw him first! D'you think HE has tripods?
As the brothers Atrides pursue You There the Second, the Trojan seer sees some disturbing signs.
Helenus: The little alphabet letters in my cereal bowl have spelled out a message from the gods! They say that Aeneas should rally the troops to prevent them from running back to their mommies like little children. Hector, you should return to the city and get all the women to bribe Athena so she'll keep that raving lunatic from killing us all!
Hector: Who, Paris?
Helenus: No! I meant Diomedes! If I meant Paris I would have said "frilly pansy boy." Sheesh. Now where was I? Oh, yeah, and the gods say that maybe we should consider wearing deodorant.
Aeneas and Hector: What's that?
Helenus: Beats me. I'm a seer, not a psychic! Maybe it's some kind of new hairclip?
Aeneas: Hairclips for everyone!! Onward to battle, men! For our home, our honor, and our hairclips!! YAAAH!!
Hector: Wow. That has got to be THE most original battle cry ever. Oh, well. FOR HAIRCLIPS!!
And so, after delivering one last hair-raising (hehe…) battle cry, Hector bravely turns back towards Troy and runs for his mommy…er, the queen.
Meanwhile, two fierce warriors face off in the middle of no man's land: Glaucus, the son of Whoreallycares? (if names can have apostrophes, then why not question marks?), and Diomedes of the Formerly Flaming Head clan. Being the outgoing and friendly guy he is, is the first to break the remarkably noisy silence.
Diomedes: So, who are you that you are brave enough to challenge me? I didn't see your picture in this year's addition of "Who's Who in the Trojan Army." You're not a god, are you? I'm not supposed to fight any more if those today.
Glaucus: You must be Diomedes…I recognize the scorch marks on your head. Allow me to introduce myself by reciting the entire history of my family, placing special emphasis on my famous grandpappy. You know, Bellerophon, slayer of the Chimera and…doer of other…brave and noble deeds! Of which I myself also do many. strikes a brave and noble pose …Ahem…where was I?
Diomedes: Brave and noble deeds.
Glaucus: Oh, right. Yeah, I do those, AND I'm on page 23 of "Who's Who in the Trojan Army," in case you were wondering.
Diomedes: pulls out his copy and flips through Oh, hey, there you are! The pages were stuck together!
Glaucus: Oh, well that's all right then. I was worried they might've left me out again this year.
Diomedes: Oh, no! You definitely deserve to make it in there, and before page 23, I should think. It's a wonder I didn't recognize you before! Why, my father's cousin's neighbor's barber's son once hosted your grandfather whom you've never met! We're practically related! Let's be friends!
Singing the traditional rendition of "Why Can't We Be Friends" and doing the sacred dance of goodwill, the two opposing warriors pinky swear to trade friendship armor (bracelets are for lesser men) and part in peace, getting back to killing each other's friends and relatives.
During this entirely disappointing but nonetheless entertaining exchange, Hector has made his way back to his hometown.
Hector: Hey, ladies! I'm home!
Women of Troy: Hey! It's Hector! Finally, a guy besides old man Priam in the city! It's been VERY boring around here for the last nine or so years…
Hector: Um, the seer said that we should pray. Really hard. I suggest you start now.
After spreading his message of depressing hope to the women around the city gates, Hector proceeds to the palace to find his mother.
Hecuba: Hector, honey, what are you doing home so early? Did you scare all those mean Greeks away? Here, let Mommy get you something to drink. You look all worn out!
Hector: Aw, Mom, I don't have time for that! The sacred alphabet cereal revealed to the seer that we should give Athena's statue some new clothes and some shiny stuff and pray that she keep Diomedes off our backs.
Hecuba: Wow, that's some wordy cereal.
Hector: Tell me about it. Now, hurry! Go suck up to Athena while I go see if I can get that pansy Paris back into battle.
With that, Hecuba rushed off to the Royal Storage Area for Shiny Cloth and got the biggest, prettiest robe, then led her procession of women with nothing better to do up to Athena's shrine.
Priestess: Waaaaaail!! Oh, Athena! Please smite that lunatic Diomedes before our walls! Pretty please? We'll kill dozens of helpless animals in your honor and be your best friends forever if you'll save our city! WAAAAAIIIILL!!!
Athena: Pfft. Like that's gonna change my mind. Don't they know I prefer armor and pointy things to frilly dresses? Besides, I hold a grudge against Aphrodite and Paris for reasons not explained by Homer. They can pray all they want…unlike my father, I ain't playing both sides in this war. Go, Diomedes, go!
Hector finally arrives in his younger brother's quarters (it's a big palace). Upon seeing Hector enter, Paris quickly hides his needlepoint and pretends to polish his armor, while Helen pretends she doesn't know Paris across the room. Hector greets his brother warmly.
Hector: Paris, you worthless pansy!! What are you doing lounging around here sewing little flowers while the war YOU started is raging outside?! Pansy! Am I repeating myself?
Paris: Okay, okay, I admit it, I'm a pansy! You don't have to rub it in, you know.
Hector: cough pansy cough
Paris: It's just that all this fighting and getting dirty is just too depressing. I mean, the only way to even change clothes out there is to kill someone else and take theirs, and that's just too hard!
Paris: Besides, then the clothes are all smelly anyways, and I don't want to wear around someone else's BO!
Hector: groans and gives Paris a dirty look
Paris: Okay, okay, I'm going! Helen's been convincing me to go back to battle –
Hector: (under breath) probably hoping you'll get killed…
Paris: – so you just go on ahead and I'll be right behind ya!
Hector: Uh huh. I've heard that one before. And you're gonna give me back all those hairclips you've borrowed over the years, too, I suppose?
Helen: He is a big coward, isn't he Hector? I wish I'd married a better man.
Hector: Um, I'm pretty sure you did. Name's Menelaus…ring a bell?
Helen: sigh Yeah, the whole coming to Troy and causing countless thousands of deaths really wasn't my best move.
Hector: No kidding.
Helen: You look pretty tired after killing my former countrymen all day. Maybe you should sit down.
Hector: Unlike some people, I intend to get back to the battle sometime today! Plus I still have to stop by and see the wife before I go back out to die…I mean fight. Try to get the little wimp back out there, will ya, Helen? I gotta go.
Hector speeds off to find his family while Helen pokes Paris until he finally starts the long and arduous process of putting on his best battle armor.
Paris: Hel-en! Does this battle skirt make me look fat?
Helen: Ugh. Excuse me for a minute. I'll just be…somewhere else.
ELSEWHERE IN TROY
Hector: Honey, I'm home!
Andromache: Um…who are you again?
Hector: Andie, dear, remember me? Your husband Hector?
Andie: Hector…Hector…Oh! Welcome back, honey! It's been so long I guess I forgot what you look like. What, are you like the only Trojan keeping the Greek army at bay?
Hector: Only when the men get spooked by someone with a bonfire on his head or the occasional large rodent.
Andie: That's nice dear. Oh, and good news! We've got a son! See?
Hector Jr projectile vomits on daddy
Hector: Urk! Uh…oh, no! I think I hear Aeneas calling me! What's that, Aeneas? I'm needed in battle?
Andie: Wait! I don't hear anything! Stay here and throw heavy things at the Greeks, just don't go out there to die! It's almost as if there's some strange foreshadowing that's telling me if you go back to battle you're going to die…how odd.
Hector: I'm sorry, Andie, eyes Hector Jr warily and backs away but…my manly pride…yes, that's the ticket…my manly pride won't allow me to abandon my troops. Now don't worry, honey, if and when I die and the city is overrun by the Greeks, you'll be the most valuable slave in the city! Everyone will wish that they got the wife of the great and mighty Hector!
Andie: Great. Thank you for delivering the least encouraging pep talk ever. I'm going to go cry in the corner now.
Hector: (mutters) As long as you keep that little puke machine away from me… (out loud) Farewell, hon! Until we all die horrible deaths and meet again in the underworld!
Hector: (running towards the gates) Now where did my ninny of a brother go now?
Paris: Hector! There you are! There's something very important I need to ask you before we go back to fight the Greeks.
Hector: Anything, brother. What is it that is so important to you?
Paris: You know I trust you more than anyone else, and you've always been honest with me. It's just that…I just want to say…OMG! I think I've outgrown my prettiest battle skirt but Helen won't tell me the truth! Does this make me look fat?
Haha! She is done! If you enjoyed, feel free to leave a review. If not, why the monkey did you read all the way down here?! Crazies… BTW, I don't mean to slander Hector (that's what Paris is for); he really is a good father in the book. It's just that, well, projectile vomit is scary. And funny. If it doesn't land on you.
MANY THANKS BE TO:
Xenopus- Thanks for the corrections! I think I had some parenthetical comments this time, but possibly fewer than normal…maybe. Hopefully they didn't break up the flow too badly.
The Two-Tailed Cat- "Soon" is a relative term, right? Just like "hysterical." Psychiatrist, shmichiatrist! I speak from personal experience. The voices know me much better than that crackpot ever will! Mwahaha! Mostly kidding…
Sugarjet Erin- Fear not, looks like it took me a while, too. I hope this chapter kept moving along fast enough for ya.
Yuna- Hai, crazy RL. I can't believe I have had more time to write here at school than during the summer. My job was sometimes fun, never boring, and almost paid enough, but it left me entirely too tired and busy. Boo for the real world. This chapter serious enough for ya? I hope not…
The White mask- Doh! I killed another one! Maybe I should include an accidental death clause in the disclaimer from now on. Needless to say, you and William Shatner shall be forgiven if you fail to review this chapter.
S h i b b i e- History essays are DEFINITELY overrated. Besides, the Iliad is history…ish, and my parody…resembles it…slightly? (Oh, man, did I just do a really bad Shatner impression? Ack!) I, of course, am being distracted from some psychology homework at the moment. Tomorrow I'll be distracted from history.
Silver Whirl- I'm rather fond of Book 6, too. Honest, I meant "conjugal" as a synonym for marital. It just sounds better. Wow, I hadn't noticed before now that the gods didn't make a single appearance in this one. Oh, wait, Athena's in for a bit. But still. No wonder it seemed so calm. I guess they were on an ambrosia break.
Haname- Singing with joy always beats wailing with sorrow, as I always say. Okay, so I just made that up, but someone could have said it before. Deep, huh? The kids in your English class are obviously starved for entertainment. Might I suggest a Chinese fire drill every time the teacher turns their back? Hehe…that'd be great. Keep up the good pestering (as long as there's no crying).
lautan-sedai- Here! Take it! All of you!
amber-darcy- Oops, made someone else cry! No, tears of laughter are okay. I'm used to causing the frustration kind, so this is a nice change. I may be wrong, but I think my lousy parody is closer to the Iliad than the Troy movie. It was interesting, though, that's for sure. Good luck checking out the Iliad, although I'm sure you may have to do it eventually for one class or another. Just look at me…I had it in like three classes so far. Bah!
Ham and Cheese- Well, I guess it's understandable that Hera was a bit confused about the whole family tree thing, especially since it's more like a family web. Eww. And how come it's always the men in skimpy skirts that get blamed? What kind of society do we live in today, anyway?
Ziltron- Why thank you, dahling! I try. A bit too hard, actually.
And remember, I may be slow and not steady, but I AM motivated by reviews! So get reviewin'! Pwetty pwease?