A/N: I know this depressing fic seems to come from nowhere, not even on my updates chart, and even more surprising considering my normally humorous writing style. But I had to get some thoughts out on paper. Recently a boy at my school committed suicide. I didn't know him that well, but it still comes as a shock to realize that a person you used to see on a regular basis will no longer be a part of your life. These are actually my thoughts, the thoughts that I couldn't stop thinking for the few days after the boy's death. I put them in a short ficlet (hardly two pages), how a LotR character might feel if a situation similar happened to them.
WARNINGS: Talk of suicide. That's about it.
OTHER NOTES: Completely in Boromir's POV.
"I must end it. There's no hope left. I'll be at peace. No one had anything to do with this. My decision totally."
-Freddie Prinze suicide note
It has been but two days since they found him there. Of course, the grief has not passed; it has only reached its peek. At first I could feel naught but shock, for I thought things had been improving. Why else would he seem so cheerful? Indeed, it was the happiest I had seen him in a long time. Then came the news.
It was past time for he and his patrol to set out for Ithilien, so, naturally, one of his devoted men had gone to check on him. There he was found, lying on his bed on his back, an empty phial once filled with poison still within his grasp. The guard, Beregond was his name, I think, immediately raced from the room to tell my father, but by the time he reached the Steward, all that came from his mouth were horrified gasps and squeaks. Eventually, we were able to decipher the truth from his incessant babble, and that was how I found him.
As I said before, I was completely and utterly shocked. Only the night before he had been laughing and drinking with his men and I, seemingly having the time of his life. The last thing he said to me was, "We shall meet again." Of course, I found that strange, but I thought nothing of it. He had been so happy, and I was happy for him in finding this peace.
I can only recall bits and pieces of the few moments after I saw his body. It seemed so distant, as if I were watching my own reaction away from my body. I screamed, not of horror but of agony, pain, sorrow. Why now, of all times, did he choose to leave this world? How could he, at the beginning of these troubling times?
After realizing these thoughts I became angry. How dare he be so selfish? He deliberately left his men, whom he knew loved him more than anything, to fend for themselves in this time of preparation for war. Why was he so selfish? He could not have known how large an impact his death would be on the nation of Gondor. If he had, he never would have committed this heinous act.
In quite literal terms, the entire city of Minas Tirith stopped at the news of his death. All who knew him were too depressed to work, even stand guard against attack. If the Enemy had chosen that time to besiege this city, we would be powerless to stop him. It was not as if anyone truly cared at that point in time, though. Even those who had never met Faramir wept in despair, if not for him but for all of those in mourning, those who were gravely wounded by his death.
All who knew him loved him, including Father. Yes, now one of my feelings is bitterness. Now Father decides that he loves him and tries to make everything alright between them. He has not left Faramir's side, never stopped speaking to his dead son. "I am sorry" and "Please come back to me" will never bring Faramir back. I was at first angry with him, but now I can only pity my father. He will never be able to tell Faramir now, how much he loved him, how proud of him he was....
I do not believe that he will be able to live with the fact that it was because of him that Faramir took his own life. It will not be long now, before Father leaves this world himself, by his own will or by grief. Then I will be the Ruling Steward of Gondor. Until then, I must do what I can with my freedom before being confined to the compounds of this city. But then, what freedom do I have now?
Now it is I left with the charge of this city while my father slowly goes out of his mind. It is I, the elder brother, left to pick up the pieces. Surely Faramir was not expecting Father to react in this way, for he surely would have not wished this great burden on me. It is a hardship on me, coping with my beloved brother's death while keeping others from ending their suffering as well. My first act after Faramir's death was to decree to Faramir's men that if any of them needed to speak their mind about the matter, they were to report directly to me. I felt that this was not the time for manly pride, and apparently they felt the same way. Many a proud men have fallen at my feet since then in tears, unable to hold back any longer.
And now I am stressed beyond words. I feel better actually, speaking my mind to many who knew Faramir almost as well as I did, though I would never admit it to them. But I still grieve heavily of the loss of my brother, whom I loved dearly. It hurts that he never knew how many people cared for him. What hurts more is not the death of my brother, but the life that caused him to end it.
Now, after thinking matters through and speaking with many a men, I can only feel confusion. There are so many emotions coursing through my soul at the moment that I cannot clarify one from the other. The only emotion that I know beyond doubt that I am feeling is regret. What could I have done to stop him? Why did I not stop him? How could I have missed the signs? These questions and more continue to flash through my mind, though I know that there was nothing I could have done. Even if there was, what good is it now? Faramir is dead. I have failed.
That still does not stop me from pondering ways that things could have been different. I continuously run the same situations through my head, situations where I saved Faramir, where I could have made a difference. Those tales had happy endings. Not here, not now.
I have just received word that Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth, just as I requested. He is to be in charge of this city while I take my leave. Word has reached my ears that a council is to be held in the Elven city of Imladris. There I hopefully may find answers to my questions, but I mostly seek the meaning of a dream that Faramir had ere his death. I feel a wave of sorrow rush through me as I realize that he will never find the answers to those questions.
Find peace, brother. I will carry on for you.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
END NOTE: Just a little explanation of the title. When someone commits suicide, their suffering on Earth (not guaranteeing anything after death) may end, but the pain overall will never end. Whether they were popular in life or not, everyone around that person will be shocked and impacted in some way by their death, never in a good way. Suicide is never the answer……Wow, that was so deep that I'm drowning in it.