Title: Mr. Man

Author: Snacky

Email: snknjak@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: don't own red dwarf or any of it characters, made for personal enjoyment only.

Summary: Rimmer drank something and now he's acting very strange. Dialogue


"You ok Rimmer?"

"Yep indeedy"





"Have you been drinking?"




"Ok, what are you on"?

Looks down "The floor, well shoes if they count... do they count?"

"Err yea... listen, have you drank anything?

"If I hadn't I would of died a long, long time ago Listy, Listy" Trying to illustrate his point by waving his arms.



"Right... listen very closely ok?"

Very serious face "O...K"

"Did you drink anything today?"



"A bottle O' orange" Grins

"Nothing else?"


"Hmmn strange..."

"Oh an that bottle of whatever it was from that planet"

"Oh god"


Sigh "what?"

"You have long hair"

"I know"

"Really? Can I touch it?"





"You have long hair"

"Let me guess you want to touch it?"

"Wow, you must be psychic, I'm mean like read my mind an all that...Can I?"


"Awww" collapses onto floor "Opps, No chair!"

"I noticed...So Rimmer now that your, lets say drunk, what do you really think of me?"

"You're fat"


"Not fat, fat...Fat like a little hamster fat"

"So I'm a hamster?"

"Yer, one of those ones that's smelly and diseased that no-one wants to buy"

"Great...want to know what I think of you?"

"I know what you think of me"

"Go on then, what do I think?"

"I'm a sexy beast god!"



"What? Hey were you going?... Rimmer stay put you shouldn't be running in your condition!" (A/N I just couldn't resist!)

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeee...Opff!...Opps, wall there!"

"Yes, wall"

"They're hard"

"I know"

"You know allot"

"I know"



"My ears are too small!"

"Too small?"

Starts to cry "why haven't I got big ears" Looks to Lister expectantly

"Rimmer you have very big ears"

"You're just saying that"

"No, no I mean it there abnormally large"

"Yay! Want to sing?"

"God no!"

"Ring a ring a roesy, pocket full o' poesy... Come on sing along!"

"Rimmer I'll give you anything if you'll stop"



"I want your hat!"


"Ringer ringer rosey..."

"Fine!" Gives him the hat, which he immediately puts on

"I. Am. Lister. Hear. Me. Roar!"

"I think we should go to the medi bay"

"I don't like it in there Listy, it's scary"

"No it's not, its very clean... What could be scary about that?"

"It's where Mr. Shoe lives!"

"Mr. Shoe?"

"He kicks me"

"I'll protect you from him... am I insane?!"

"You will?"

"Yes I'll kick his..."

"Shoe behind?"

"Err yes"

"Hurray! *Sings* Mr. shoe, you beware, I got Listys underwear, Look to the right, look to the left, If you don't watch out he'll kick your behind!" Runs towards medi bay

"Rimmer, as soon as you are back to normal I'm so going to shoot you!"

Rimmer stops half run and runs back to Lister

"We have to hold hands!"

"No, We don't"

"But if we don't the lemmings will get me"

"What lemmings?"

"The one's that live in the floor!"

"Fine, Fine come on" Grabs hand

"Yippy, Don't you think they're cute?"


"The lemmings?"

"Oh yer, they're adorable"

"Apart from them big teeth though, right?"

"Oh yes apart from that...Hol?"

Holly turns up on one of the many monitors "Yes Dave?"

"Would you tell Kryten to come to the medi bay?"

"Ok Dave"

Rimmer starts to tug on Lister's hand "Hurry"


"Krytens going to the medi bay!"

"I know, I just told him to go"

"But Mr. shoe and lemming man will eat him if we don't hurry"

"He'll be fine, I swear...It's you, you should be worrying about"

"Why, You will protect me"

Mutters "from my fist?"

"Ooo Ooo... I can see it, you were right, Kryten can take care of himself, who'd a thought?"

"Hey Kryt's, Rimmer drank some of that stuff we go from the last planet we were on, fix him, Please!"

"Don't worry sir, I think it should wear off in a few hours"

"A few hours, I don't think so, do something now!"

"I could give him a sedative that should knock him out for a few hours"

By this time Rimmer was trying to out stare something on the floor


Not looking up "what?"

"We know how to make you better"

Finally looking up "Something's wrong with me?... Am I going to die!!"

"No, your fine I just need you to sit on this bed for me, and drink this, can you do that?"

"Yep" sits and takes the drink from Lister

"Now drink that and you will go to sleep"

"Will you stay to make sure the lemming man doesn't eat me?"

"Of course"

He drank it and immediately collapsed onto the bed

"Thank god, do you have any of that virus which removes all your hair, left?"

"I think so sir, why?"

"Just wondering if I could make his ears look bigger, he'll thank me later..."