They told me the first time would be hard. That it would hurt, that I might cry and now that the time has come, I realize that they weren't even close to explaining how it felt.
There is pain but it is a pain my body has never felt before. It's as if something inside is tearing itself apart, trying to escape. I want it to stop but at the same time, it is the most exhilarating thing I have ever felt.
I hear his screams and I know I have caused them. I feel his body twist and strain and I know that it is my actions that make him to act like this. I have power now. I'm not a weak little girl, struggling to memorize things for school. I'm not the weakest member of team 7, constantly following in her teammates' shadow. I am not the girl that every thinks is smart but just isn't sure of her body quite yet.
Look at me now. Look at how I move. This is my body and I love what it's doing. Somehow I know it's what I was always meant to do. And I am happy, so happy to have finally overcome the fear of this first time.
But at the same time, I want to cry because it is the most painful day of my life. I want to cry over what I have lost. I can't be a little girl anymore. I can't play with dolls and pretend what life will be like when I grow up. Because I have grown up. At fifteen, I am an adult today.
What will they think of me now? Will they still see me as weak, as wishy-washy, as a flake? Will Sasuke-kun finally see that I could be what he needed? Will Naruto look at me with disgust, now that my innocence is gone? Will Kakashi-sensei see that I have more power then just in my brain?
No, he's already told me he knows that there is more, that I just have to grow a bit before I can see it. He was the only one who tried to explain this to me. My parents just paled when I brought it up. But Kakashi-sensei sat me down and talked to me about it. He didn't try to pretty it up. He just gave me the facts.
"It will hurt you. There will be blood. And you might want to cry. But just remember, you are Sakura and you always will be."
I am Sakura but I am different. This makes me feel different. But that is because you were you were right, sensei. I do see it now. I am more then what I thought. This always hung over me, a single fear. Could I do it? Would I be able to take this final step into adulthood?
I'm crying as he slows down and his weight falls on top of me. I want it over and to never end at the same time. I feel the dampness of my clothes clinging to me, sweat is in my eye and it burns. I want to bathe for hours. I want to wash it all away but his body is on top of mine and I feel trapped.
Kakashi-sensei was right about something else. There was blood. But I never imagined it could be this much. My arms match the red fabric of my dress as I finally push the man away. There is splatter on my face that is mixing with sweat. The smell is the worst of it. It burns my nose with its metallic smell.
I see the weapon that caused this, gleaming in the moon's light underneath a layer of blood. Its edge was always sharp but I never knew how easy it would be to cut flesh. My kunai is no longer a training tool, it is a real weapon now.
My heart has finally slowed a bit. Adrenaline is no longer forcing it to pulse so hard that I fear it will jump out of my chest. The tears have dried on my face, leaving light red streaks across it. But I hurt, I still hurt inside for what I have done.
I reach down and roll the man over, pulling the head protector with the symbol of Sand engraved in it off of him. I need to bring this back to the village as proof but at the same time I can't help but wonder about the man I have just killed.
I want to reflect more on it but I hear my teammates in the distance. The fight is still going badly and they'll need my help. And now for the first time, I am sure I can help them.
I am not a weak little girl anymore.
I am not a struggling genin either.
I am shinobi. This is my life. And I will excel at it.