Only when I lose myself

Warnings/notes : Yami/Yugi, hints at Seto/Joey, shifting first pov, songfic.

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Only when I lose myself' belongs to Depeche Mode.

written at 29th october 2003, by Misura

For Sarah Harvey, who requested this song and pairing. Hope you'll like it! :)


//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

Then I find myself

I find myself// [Yami]

Yugi is laughing at some joke of Joey's. They're too far away to hear what's amusing them so much, but I find myself smiling just the same.

Simply at the sound of Yugi's laughter, sparkling and full of life and light. Like him.

He doesn't know how utterly beautiful he is, how much his innocence calls out to me to ... protect it. To cherish it, keeping the world outside at a distance.

To smother him, perhaps, never letting him out of my sight, always wishing to be as close to him as we once were, when we shared a single body.

Not that I regret us getting separate bodies, mind you. This new situation does offer certain ... options.

Still, there are moments I miss not knowing his every thought, feeling his every breath. Moments when it feels rather lonely to be all alone in this body.

//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

Then I find myself

I find myself// [Yugi]

Yami is staring at me again. It's very strange, really. He has been doing that a lot recently, while he's also started to evade me.

It has come to a point where we hardly talk anymore, beyond the meaningless greetings in the hallway or at breakfast in the morning. It hurts, you know, having dreamt about a person caring for you, loving you and then finding them so uncaring when you wake up.

The first few days he slept in the same room with me, until Grandpa cleaned out all the old stuff out of some backroom. I wished he hadn't sometimes.

I know it's selfish, wishing that, wishing to keep another person this close to me. He has more than earned the right to live a life of his own after all he's done for me.

I should let go of him. But I don't want to. There's nobody like him, no one who could take the empty place he's left in my soul and it hurts, it hurts ...

//Something beautiful is happening inside for me

Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery// [Yami]

Before Grandpa got me a room of my own, I slept in the same room as Yugi. Like I had done before, when I was merely a soul, living in his head, in his body.

There were nights I would wake up in the middle of the night to hear him moan and cry out my name, in the throes of some nightmare. I would hold him then, feel his heart's quick beating against mine, until his body stopped trembling and shaking.

After tugging back the blankets around him, his touch would linger. It would take me hours to get to sleep then, lying awake to stare at the form on the other bed. Listening to his even breathing, knowing his dreams were peaceful. Thanks to me.

I wonder who chases his nighmares away now. Perhaps his Grandfather? The old man's room is just on the other side of the corridor, closer than my current room. Foolish to envy him for that, I know. Grandfather is definitely no rival of mine, yet there are times when the unconditional trust Yugi puts in him leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Especially compared to what *I* get from my aibou nowadays.

//I feel hypnotized, I feel paralyzed

I have found heaven// [Yugi]

I still have dreams about him. Dreams I wouldn't tell to anyone, not even Grandfather and *definitely* not Yami himself. He'd either pity me or feel disgusted. I want neither.

What I want is to wake up from them and find his arms around me again, hear his voice murmuring words of reassurance and caring. But the period in which I could get that was over far too soon.

I've been trying to find an excuse to go down to his room at night, maybe claim nightmares haunting me. Nightmares only he could keep at bay, merely by holding me. But it wouldn't be right. How can I even consider lying to him like that?

Relationships are built on trust, aren't they? If I ever want to regain his friendship and respect, as a normal person instead of the person he's stuck with by fate, I can't start it off by deceiving him.

But how can he ever like the real me? I'm nobody special, just an average boy, small for his age. Not interesting at all to someone like Yami. He can get someone much better than me.

He can get anyone now ; no one would be able to say no to him. Beauitful, strong, irresistable Yami. So far out of reach, while I could touch him nearly every moment of the day.

//There's a thousand reasons

Why I should not spend my time with you// [Yami]

I should find something to distract me, to make me stop thinking of Yugi all the time. I find myself hovering around him like some protective guardian far too often. He doesn't need me though, not anymore, and it's time I accepted that.

"Are you going to play your next card today or do you need another day to make up your mind?" Kaiba's cold voice interrupts my thoughts. Good thing, that.

Though I do hope he hasn't been following my gaze. He's not exactly my friend after all ; I'm sure he'd find a way to use a weakness like that against me. Or Yugi. I know they still Duel too, on occasion.

Yugi even lets him win every now and then. I can't. When I play a game, I have to win it. And when I make a promise to myself, I will keep it. Yugi deserves his own life, free from me.

"So eager for another defeat?" I smirk, placing a Magic Card face-down on the board and bringing his life-points down by another few hundred points. Victory still tastes sweet these days, no matter how easy it comes to me or, in Kaiba's case, how often I've won it before.

//For every reason not to be here I can think of two

Keep me hanging on// [Yugi]

"Earth to Yugi! Someone in there?" Joey's hand waves in front of my face, a hint of worry in his voice.

I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks, even if I hastily turn my eyes away from Yami. "Sorry, Joey. What were you saying?" I smile a little, knowing it will assure him I'm all right.

Even Yami always fell for that one, never probing deeper.

"I was asking if maybe you could, well, give me some tips on beating Kaiba." He looks almost embarrassed to ask though I don't quite understand why. I've helped him fine-tuning his deck before, and more than once too, after all.

"Sure, Joey." I offer him a wider smile this time. "Though I can't guarantee - "

"Thanks, Yug!" He beams, like I've just given him the greatest of gifts. Weird. Normally Joey is about as easy to read as the proverbial open book, but now, I have no idea what's on his mind.

//Feeling nothing's wrong

Inside your heaven// [Yami]

Yugi is smiling at Joey again. I can feel the warmth of it almost here, wishing that smile was meant for me rather than his friend. I wonder what they're talking about.

"Enjoying the view?" Kaiba sneers, almost as bad as when Joey has managed to bring him to the edge and he's about to lose his temper. He's never done so before in our Duels.

"What view?" I ask neutrally. In part I'm really curious though. Just what has gotten Kaiba this snappy?

"The faeries." He grumbles. It takes me a moment to realize he has just made a joke. A sarcastic one, admittedly, but still ... he's definitely behaving oddly today. "The mutt, of course."

Ah. That explains it then. He thinks I have taken an interest in his 'secret' crush and now he's growling at me to warn me off. And then he accuses *Joey* of behaving like a dog.

There are times when I could almost feel sorry for him. With my current problems though, I'm not in the mood to be generous.

"I play another card face-down and attack with my Dark Magician." I inform him. He looks like he'd like to tear out my throat. Heh. I'm beginning to amuse myself here. Now, if only I can keep my mind and eyes off of Yugi ...