Only when I lose myself

Warnings/notes : Yami/Yugi, hints at Seto/Joey, shifting first pov, songfic.

Disclaimer : I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The song 'Only when I lose myself' belongs to Depeche Mode.

written at 6th november 2003, by Misura

Thanks to the people who reviewed the second chapter :

To Sansi : Don't worry, they'll see the light! ^^; Thank you.

To Molly-chan the anime/game-fan : Nooo, don't take Yami away! I need him to make Yugi happy again! ^^; Thank you!

To Sarah Harvey : Well, hope your exams went well. And thank you very much!

To Kaiar-chan : Glad you enjoyed it! (Hmm, you think I'm good at sad stuff? But … but I'm such a cheerful person! Writing sad things makes me go sad too.) ^_^;

To RaineKitsune : Thank you!

To DarkShadowFlame : Well, Seto hates to be confronted with his feelings. So he's kind of fleeing, actually. Of course he manages not to make it *look* that way, but … that's my interpretation of that scene. Though yours is cuter. Thank you very much! ^_^

To Suppis Tenshi : No second middle ; I was out of lyrics anyway. ^^; And yes, I think Yami and Yugi shape up nicely in this chapter. Hope you'll like it! ^_^

To Shadow-demon18b : Thank you! : )

To Authoress formally knownas Lizz : Well, this *is* the last chapter after all. Hope you'll like it! : )

To Batbabe1 : Thank you, I did my best. : )

To Lilly Starwind : Well, it's not *that* much of a surprise I think. ^^; Hope you'll like it!

To Mel Gods : I think Kaiba is mainly a person who uses mind and words to deal with adversaries. And since he was already dueling Yami … I don't know, I just don't see him getting physical. Not with Yami anyway. ^^; Hope school'll get a little less evil! : )

To Lethe Seraph : Thank you very much. : )

To Romennar : Thank you, I'm glad to hear that. : )

To hieiandkuramalover : *grins* Sounds like you got a good solution for their problem. ~.^  Thank you!

To Koishii no Tenshi : Well, I do have my share of abandoned fics. ^^; But glad to hear a week's fast enough. Hope you'll enjoy this last chapter.

To Temptress Nagisa : The ending'll be happy, don't worry! Thank you! : )

To MusumeMarron : *blushes* Thank you!


For Sarah Harvey, who requested this song and pairing. Hope you'll like the ending!


//Did I have to lose control

To treasure your kiss?// [Yugi]

If I'd cry out my love for him, what would he do? If I'd turn and run away, would he follow me? And if he did, would it be for pity's sake or because he truly cares?

I don't want his pity, don't want him to waste his life staying at my side just because he feels sorry for me. Or because his honor compels him to protect his precious aibou.

What I want from him ... to love me, for starters. Like a lover, I mean. I don't want him to love me the way Kaiba loves Mokuba, hiding him away from most of the ugly realities of this world, forever keeping him safe and cherishing him.

I want Yami to love me the way Kaiba loves Joey, enough to yell out he loves me not caring who will hear. Enough to get possessive whenever someone else is merely looking at me ...

I want Yami's smile to be the first thing I see in the morning, when I wake up with his arms still holding me, knowing he has held me while I slept, guarding me even in my dreams.

I want ...

"You want ... ?" Yami's eyes are unsettling if you receive their full attention. Especially for people with a guilty conscience, such as I have at the moment.

//Did I need to place my heart

In the palm of your hand?// [Yami]

What was Yugi going to say before I interrupted him? I shouldn't have, I know. I'd better have simply waited for him to finish that line on his own, no matter how eager I am to hear the end of it.

Now he looks away, his cheeks a red glow to show his embarrassment. Once, I could have used our Mindlink to find out what's bothering him, before finding a way to draw the truth from his own lips.

At present though, I can do nothing but guess and act on what I suspect. What I hope, I shouldn't take into acount, no matter how tempting that is. He's been like this before sometimes, those nights when I had to wake him from his dreams. He never wanted to tell me what they were about.

"It's not important." he whispers, in an echo of those midnight hours. He should know what my answer to that will be, has ever been.

"It is to me." I dare not touch him though. I am sure all my good resolves would crumble to dust then, undoing all the good that has come from my hard work thus far. Yugi is no longer dependent on me.

"Yami ... I don't want you to hate me." Amethyst eyes search mine, so sad and lost. Why do I feel so guilty about that, like I am the cause of them, rather than that I have failed to keep Yugi safe from this pain?

"I could never hate you." Why do I feel so cheap, saying this? Because words like 'never' and 'always' shouldn't be used for such a fragile thing as love? Because they sound too sappy to be true?

//Before I could even start

To understand// [Yugi]

I laugh, slightly disturbed to notice I'm sounding a little hysterical. Yami thinks nothing could make him hate me? If only he knew ... should I tell him?

Is that what it's going to take to completely free him from the ties that keep him chained to my side? 'The truth will set you free', isn't that how the saying goes? And wouldn't it feel better for me too, to stop hiding my secret for the one person who knows me nearly as good as I do myself?

"I love you, Yugi." His eyes tell me it's true. Of course. I've always known he loved me, cared for me like for no one else. The problem is that the way he loves me isn't the way I love him.

"I love you too, Yami." My voice quivers. I can see the questions in his eyes now, his puzzlement at my distress. He can read me far too well and yet not well enough.

My secret is still mine alone. He'll probably never even suspect I'm not that pure, innocent creature he thinks me to be. Yami ... why do I have to be so weak?

Your arms seem to be in a perfect position to embrace me. Like I only have to step forward to be held by them, close to you. I stay where I am though, refusing to give in to the illusion.

//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

Then I find myself

I find myself// [Yami]

I don't know why those words slipped out of my mouth so easily, as if they were waiting for a chance to slip out. Still it seems they haven't done too much damage.

Now, if I can control myself ... Yugi's eyes seem to call out to me, to step forwards and sweep him off his feet in a hug. To capture him in my arms to never let him go again. That would be wrong.

"You don't know me." He seems to flinch at that truth and I feel a stab of guilt.

"You don't know me either." He smiles sadly, making it clear his words aren't intended to be taken for an accusation. Rather, they are a statement, as true as mine.

But how can that be so? Our souls have been linked for nearly a year ; we should know eachother better than any two other people.

"It's better that way." I assure him. Better that he doesn't know about those times I lay awake at night after having held him to hush him back to sleep. Better that he doesn't know about my dreams and desires, all focused on the one I'm sworn to protect.

"Maybe." he admits, biting his lower lip. He stares at his feet for a moment, before lifting his head again to look me straight in the eyes.

//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

That I find my life

I find myself// [Yugi]

"But maybe not." It may be madness, this sudden rush of boldness that has come over me. And yet, why not try to get at least a taste of what I want?

Why not give in to the dreams for a moment? I take a step in his direction, and another one. He watches my approach, a hint of wariness in his eyes. Yet he stays where he is. For the first few moments.

When I am halfway, he moves. Not away though ; he strides forwards, taking one step for every two of mine. It's strange, really, how everything seems to happen naturally all of a sudden.

My arms are around his waist and his arms are around me as well and I can't remember how or when our lips came to touch but they are and I don't care.

"Yugi ... " We are both out of breath, yet he finds the air to speak somehow. One word only and it's my name. He has used it before, of course, but somehow it feels different now.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out.

He seems surprised. "What for?"

"For loving you this way." I blush. "For dreaming about kissing you like this."

//It's only when I lose myself in someone else

Then I find myself

I find myself// [Yami]

"You ... " I can't believe I haven't noticed anything. I *know* he is shy, that he tends to bottle up his feelings inside. How could I miss something like this though, allowing myself to hurt him in my ignorance?

Even now, he is in pain. Because *I* was too stunned to act.

"I will never leave you." I promise, gently lifting his head to make him look at me. "As long as you want me I will be there."

He shakes his head. "You deserve a life of your own." I almost laugh at the sheer irony of it ; wasn't it me who wanted to walk away because I thought the same about him?

"This body gave me the freedom to choose." I gently press him closer to me, still looking into his eyes to make sure he is at ease with my actions. No matter what he says about dreams, reality can be quite different and a whole lot more scary. "And I choose this."

I kiss him again.

And neither of us notices the two pairs of eyes that watch all this, belonging to the two persons who stand frozen in the doorway before they slip away quietly, exchanging a smile.