Disclaimer: I disclaim all this, mostly because I'm an American and if I get found out writing about two dudes loving each other, they'll probably take away my right to marry as well.

Sirius was completely mad. This won't come as a shock to most, certainly. No one met Sirius and thought him the least bit sane for any amount of time. There was just a ground-in craziness about him. But this went above and beyond his usual oddness.

"You want romantic advice? From me?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Shh!" Sirius hissed. "Keep it down."

"I'm really not the best person for this kind of thing, you know," Remus pointed out. "It's not as if I ever date. And, I'm, you know..."

"A lycanthropic homosexual?" Sirius suggested quietly.

"Yes, pretty much."

"Be that as it may, you're exactly the kind of mind I need for my current situation. This person I'm interested in, they... well, how can I best put this..."

"She doesn't know you exist?" There was a moment of silence, then the two burst into laughter, illiciting a great many stares from the other students in the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh, Moony," Sirius said, calming down and wiping a tear from his eye, "let it never be said that you are not the funniest man around." He sighed. "Anyway, this person knows I exist, but not that I'm interested."

"So? Tell her. It's not like they're not all staring at you anyway."

"This one isn't. So I have to try to, I dunno, win 'em over. I mean, it's not like I haven't hinted..." he was rambling, a trait that he had when nervous. Or so Remus assumed, as he'd never seen Sirius nervous before. "What would you do?"

Hmm... Remus thought. "I have no idea. Why don't you ask James?"

"Pah. Prongs is still trying to get Evans to look his way twice. Completely useless."


"He doesn't get attention. He gives it. Process of elimination, Moony. Besides, you're smarter than the rest of us." He smiled his charming Sirius smile that no man, woman, or small mammal could resist.

"No," said Remus.


"No! What do I know about romance?"

"Please? Come on, just tell me what you would like."

Remus gave him a confused look. "How would that help in the least?"

"Well, you like guys, right? It might be a... collective thing."

Remus sighed. "Fine. Try gifts. Flowers, candy, that type of thing." To his great surprise, Sirius took up a nearby bit of parchment and a quill and was actually writing down Remus' advice. "Send a letter. You can't really be this clueless."

"...a...letter..." he mumbled as he wrote.

"I stand corrected."


Remus woke up the next morning with a frog on his head. A chocolate frog. A great many of them had, in fact, found their way into his bed, and were hopping about merrily. "How'd you get in here?" he asked one before biting off its head. The frog failed to respond.

He opened his curtains and got out of bed, hoping that the frogs were safe for consumption. It would be just like Prongs or Padfoot to put something on them to make him hairy or shrink and some other terrible side effect. Bloody chocolate addiction.

He waited a few moments, and, after decided he wasn't any more unnatural than usual, got dressed and went to breakfast. Sirius and Peter were already at their usual spot, fork-fencing for the last waffle. "Moony!" Sirius said cheerfully upon seeing Remus. Peter took the opportunity of distraction to snag the spoils of their duel. "You just cost me a waffle, I hope you're worth it."

Remus, who spent more time confused than a person of his intelligence really should, shrugged. "I must be. I woke up with a bed full of apparently untainted Chocolate Frogs."

"You're welcome," Sirius said, smiling widely.

"You gave him frogs?" Peter asked. "You never give me candy."

"You stole my waffle! You're lucky not to get a fork in the eye."

"Where's Prongs?" Remus interrupted. "He wasn't in the common room."

Just then, James rushed into the Great Hall, a fresh hand mark on his cheek and an excited look on his face. "Been talking to Evans, have you?" Peter asked with a smirk.

"Yes. Shut up. She's inspired me," he said quickly.

"Inspired you to do what? Start wearing a face mask?"

"I repeat, shut up. Now, Sirius, duck."

"What?" Sirius asked.

"You heard me, get down."

Sirius obeyed, launching himself into Remus' lap. "Comfy," he said.

"Now watch my brilliance," James said with a cocky grin. "Oi, Snape!" he yelled in the general direction of the Slytherin table.

"What, Potter?"


Snape stood up and crossed the room. "What did you say?"

"I said, 'Hi!'"

Snape gave James a very suspicious look. "What's your game? What are you doing? Are you distracting me? Where's Black? Oh, God, you're making me look the other way so he can steal my trousers, aren't you? Aren't you?" With those panicky words, Snape exited the Great Hall in a run.

"Not bad," Remus observed. "Not even technically against any rules." He nudged Sirius. "You can get up now."

Sirius rose. "You're no fun anymore, Moony."

"I was never fun."

Sirius was probably about to make some witty retort like, "No, you were never smart, but you were always fun," but the owls arrived. An oddly familiar screech owl dropped a letter in front of Remus, stole a bite of food from Sirius' plate, and flew off.

The letter read:

Dear Moony,




Remus looked at Sirius, who was wearing an odd smile. "Hi," Remus said. For some reason, he got the feeling that Sirius was disappointed about something.



Remus looked up from his Herbology homework to see a large goldenwand blossom growing from a pot. "What's this?" he asked the deliverer of said blossom, Sirius.

"It's a flower."

"What for?"

Sirius stared blankly, as if Remus was the crazy one, and said, "Well, what do you normally give flowers for?"

Remus struggled for something to say, found nothing, and watched Sirius walk away and sit in front of the fire.

He continued his work, but soon he was distracted by Sirius again. This time, he was shouting exclamations of disdain at pieces of parchment and then throwing them into the fire.

He sat down in a chair near Sirius, and asked, "What's the matter?"

"You," Sirius said, making emphatic gestures with his quill, "are an idiot."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I tried all those things you told me to try. None of them worked. I'm beginning to think your lack of romance has nothing to do with your sexual preference or species."

"Well, I'm sorry, but they would have worked on me."

Sirius snorted. "I've decided to try my own idea."

"What's that?"

"Poetry." Remus snorted this time. "It's not that bad," Sirius said defensively.

"Okay, I'm sorry. Read me your best one."

"No." Sirius shook his head.

"Come on, you know I'll find out sooner or later."

Sirius looked as if he was hiding a grin. "Fine. I'll read it. Ahem."

"There once was a wizard named Black,
And love knocked him flat on his back,

He asked his friend Remus,

Who had a big... vocabulary,

He asked him, 'Do you love me back?'"

Flowers, letter, and candy, Remus thought. I am an idiot. Aloud, he said, "You can't rhyme back with back."

Sirius grinned and adopted an air of non-chalance. "It was a rough draft. I was planning to polish it up and proposition you later." With a more nervous tone of voice, he asked, "What do you think?"

"I think... every female in Hogwarts is going to hate me."

The... "Wait!" Sirius said. "This means I get to give you a cute nickname."

"No it doesn't," Remus insisted.

"Sure it does! How about... honey paws?"


"Sugar lips? Candy cheeks? Nectar nipples?"


"Oh, come on, one has to be suitable."

"No nicknames!"

"Fine." He stuck his tongue out. "No one ever said I had to be mature about it.




The End

For real, this time.