MR. JODO AND THE LORD OF THE BOUNTY HUNTING
PART 1: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE BOUNTY HUNTING
CHAPTER 1: CONCERNING BOUNTY HUNTERS
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, in a hole in the ground, there hid a bounty hunter.
Okay, two bounty hunters. Jodo Kast, the self-proclaimed Best Bounty Hunter In The Galaxy, and his companion, Greedo.
"Jodo," the Rodian moaned, "why don't you just give it to them?"
The armor-clad human scowled. "Greedo, you fool, don't you realize what it is we have here? This is an unlabeled DVD, stolen from Skywalker Ranch. There's no knowing what treasure is written on it! It could be interviews, cut scenes, the lost episode of the Droids cartoon! It could even be the Holiday Special!"
"But Mr. Jodo," Greedo wailed, "those Ewoks are going to kill us! They think the DVD is a message from their gold-plated god! I don't want to die!"
"I don't care! There are some things more important than life, and money is one of them! Can you imagine the bounty we could get from this?"
"This is insane!" Greedo muttered. "You're insane!"
"Quiet! I think the Ewoks have left. Let's get out of here while we still have the chance."
The two bounty hunters slipped out of the hole and scurried back to their hideout, looking around nervously to make sure they weren't being followed. Greedo pulled the door shut behind them and sighed in relief. "I'm glad we got away from them, Mr. Jodo. Now I can rest--" His black eyes bugged out even more than usual. "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Kast whirled around to see a tall, spindly assassin droid standing in the middle of the room. He pulled out his blaster rifle and aimed it for the dead center of IG-88's chest.
"Don't shoot," the droid said in a mechanical voice. "I mean you no harm."
"What do you mean, you mean us no harm?" Kast asked skeptically. "Don't tell me you've been reprogrammed again."
"I come here on a mission from Cradossk's guild," IG-88 recited. "You have in your possession an object of utmost power."
"If you mean the DVD," Kast said angrily, "you're not going to get it."
"That DVD is not what you think it is," the droid continued.
"What is it then?" Kast demanded.
"The answer to that question," IG-88 said, "can only be revealed in a DVD player."
"Greedo, you got a DVD player?" Kast asked.
"No, Mr. Jodo. Just a VCR."
"My system is equipped with a DVD player," IG-88 told them.
"How stupid do you think I am?" Kast demanded. He sighed in frustration. "Fine, play it for us. But if you try anything funny, I'll shoot you."
The assassin droid popped the DVD into a little slit on the front of his chest. There was a whirring sound, and light was projected onto the wall. Kast tapped his foot on the floor impatiently, until words began to scroll down the wall.
STAR WARS EPISODE III: [CENSORED]
Kast's eyes bugged out. IG-88 quickly shut off his DVD player and pulled out the disk.
"Play the rest of it!" Kast shouted frantically.
"The One DVD is an object of terrible evil," IG-88 said in a monotone. "It has the ability to tempt mortals into watching it forever, until they are mere slaves of the Flanneled One's mind."
"Play the rest of it!"
"No, Jodo Kast. Your mind has already been twisted by its power. You may not recover if given a second viewing."
"I don't get it," Greedo said. "Why aren't you stealing the DVD from us?"
"This DVD is of utmost importance to bounty hunters everywhere. If the Flanneled One regains it and releases it unedited to the public, the histories of many hunters could be changed forever."
"Why should I care?" Kast muttered. "I'm never going to make it into a movie, anyway. They can't change MY past."
"I'm in the movies!" Greedo wailed. "They could make me out to be an idiot! Or a coward! Or worse yet, they could make it look like I shot first!"
"That is why the DVD must never fall into his hands," IG-88 continued. "It must be taken to Cradossk's guild immediately and hidden from the Flanneled One's eyes, until we can decide what to do with it. You, Jodo Kast, have been chosen to deliver it."
"How much will you pay me?" Kast asked greedily.
"You can ask Cradossk that when you reach the Guild."
Kast sighed. "What exactly do you want me to do?"
"Get off Endor as soon as possible. Take a shuttle to Tatooine. I will be waiting for you in the Mos Eisley Cantina. From there, we will continue the quest together."
"You mean you aren't coming with us right now?" Greedo asked in dismay.
IG-88 swiveled his cylindrical head. "I have a little hunting of my own to do first."
Greedo hurried to the door and opened it for the assassin droid. "Listen closely," IG-88 said quietly.
"Don't you lose him, Greedo. If you do, Jodo Kast will immediately sell the One DVD to the highest bidder. If that happens, you will have a bounty on your own head."
Greedo gulped. "Yes sir!"
IG-88 stepped out the door. One last threat escaped his voice synthesizer: "Keep it secret! Keep it safe!"