Title: Loved and Lost

Author: Shannon/Raindrops on Roses

Rating: PG
Category: Angst, Romance

Spoilers: "Loss"

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Dick Wolf, NBC, and a whole bunch of others. No infringement is intended.

Author's Notes: Written for the Yuletide New Year's Resolution Challenge for Caroline Crane, who asked for an Olivia/Alex SVU fic. Yeah, it's femmeslash.

"Liv? You okay?"

Olivia Benson blinked in surprise. She looked across the desks and gave her partner a fleeting smile. "I'm fine."

Elliot Stabler fixed her with a calculating stare. He shrugged and turned away. "Okay."

Olivia sighed and turned back to her paperwork. No, she wasn't okay. But Elliot was the last person she wanted to talk to about this. Oh, he was a wonderful partner... even friend. But there were some things that even partners didn't need to know.

Olivia surreptitiously slid a hand into her purse. She stroked the smooth surface of her most treasured possession. Even without closing her eyes, she could imagine every detail of the worn photograph.

Her blue eyes danced with annoyance and a hint of laughter as Olivia snapped a picture. "Come on, Olivia. You know I hate having my picture taken."

Olivia grinned. "I know." She lifted the camera and pressed the button. The other woman blinked as the flash went off.

"You know, I should get to take some pictures of you. It's only fair," the blonde said. She pushed her chair back from the paper-strewn table and advanced on Olivia.

"Uh-uh. It's my camera," Olivia replied, backing away.

"So it's only fitting that there are pictures of you on it, then."

Olivia hid the camera behind her back. "Come and get it, then."

Alex backed Olivia against the bedroom door. "Okay. I will." She smiled and wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist. She leaned in for a slow, sweet kiss. Olivia's eyes fluttered shut, and she relinquished the camera without a fight.

Olivia sighed again and withdrew her hand from her bag. She lifted a pen and got back to work.


"Hey, Liv. Wake up." Olivia groaned and rolled over.

"G'way. 'S the weekend. Wanna sleep," she mumbled.

"Olivia..." the soft voice sang. Her brow furrowed. She sat up.

"Alex? What are you doing here?" she asked.

The lawyer grinned. "You gave me a key, remember?" She stole a quick kiss.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I remember that. I also remember that you were supposed to be in DC for some kind of conference this weekend."

Alex shrugged. "I sent an underling." Olivia snorted and mumbled something under her breath. "Besides, this is far more interesting." She slipped beneath the covers and into Olivia's arms.

Olivia woke up. "Damn it," she whispered, wiping tears away. She supposed that these dreams were better than the ones she had dreamt after Alex's 'funeral'--but they still hurt. Sometimes even more than those others did. Whoever said that it was 'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' obviously had no clue what he was talking about.


Olivia booted up her computer. She tapped her fingers on the desk impatiently.

Elliot raised an eyebrow at her obvious agitation. "No more coffee for you," he said dryly.

"Har, har," she shot back, scowling. She wasn't sure why she was so edgy this morning. Alex-dreams usually left her in a more peaceful state, even if they hurt at the time. She logged into her e-mail inbox and began deleting spam e-mails almost absentmindedly.

She went to delete a message from an unknown Yahoo address. For some reason, she hesitated. She read the subject line. 'A Dream is a Wish'? She smirked halfheartedly. The sender must have been psychic. She opened it, if only to cure her curiosity.


"I know that this is against all the rules, but I had to write to you. I dreamt about you last night, in that t-shirt that you love to sleep in. I know; of all the things to imagine you in, my subconscious chose that.

"I just wanted to say that I love you, sweetheart. Don't forget about me.


Alex picked at the hem of her shirt. "Don't you have anything else to wear?" she asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Sure, but this is comfortable," Olivia replied.

"Really?" Alex purred. "I bet I could make you more comfortable."

"Oh, yeah?" Olivia breathed.

"Mm-hmm," Alex said, slowly drawing the shirt over Olivia's head.

"Well, you'll hear no objections from me, counselor," Olivia said, pulling Alex toward her.

Olivia blinked furiously. "Alex," she whispered longingly. The two syllables were drowned out by the bustle of the bullpen, but Elliot caught the slight movement of her lips.

"Olivia?" he asked. She deleted the message quickly and glanced at Fin and Munch, who were at their desks, arguing over some new conspiracy theory of Munch's.

She leaned toward Elliot. "She says hi," Olivia murmured quietly.

Elliot's brow furrowed in confusion. His eyes widened in realization. "Oh." He nodded. Olivia finished going through her e-mail, a bittersweet smile on her face.

She nearly sighed in relief when the captain interrupted them with a new case.