A/N: So, this story was originally published in 2004 when I was 16 and a sophomore in high school. Now, eleven years later if you can believe it, something is drawing me back into fanfiction. I re-read a few of my stories and this one really stuck out to me as something I can be proud of. It's the closest thing to cannon that I've ever written- well, as cannon as a Dramione shipper can hope to be- and it made me laugh! It's fun to come back after so long because I didn't remember what was going to happen and I got to laugh too! I also, however, got to see where some of the problems are. Therefore, I am going to try my hand at revising this fic and hopefully improving upon it. This is my first full-length fanfiction project since I stopped writing almost ten years ago, so lets see if these rusty old gears have any turn left in them.
Another thing I am going to do is remove (or edit) the original author's notes- younger me should be ashamed of her rudeness in some of these.
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Original A/N: One of my favorite times of the week is 11pm on a Saturday. Why? Sex with Sue, of course! Sex with Sue is an informational talk show in which people call up and ask a very old lady questions that have to do with sex, and they're HYSTERICAL, because these people are so uninformed! So, a combination of this and the fact that I am going through a sex education course at school and the questions my peers ask boarder on the lines of those asked on Sue's show, I got to thinking; why not incorporate it? I do everything else. So, here we go. This fic will be pretty much pointless humor; a sidestep from my normal writing, but hell I'm itching to write it.
Chapter One: The Curse of the Third Moon
Hermione was so bored and overcome with free time that she decided to do her Saturday night rounds a second time, just to make sure. As Head Girl she had been given a long list of additional responsibilities and for that, she was thankful. In a very Hermione Granger fashion, she had completed all of her currently assigned coursework and found herself with no homework and no one to visit. A completely open schedule.
Hermione resigned to wander the corridors on her weekly route alone, snooping for meandering students. Harry and Ron's company would have been appreciated, but they had been out on the pitch every night this week until seconds before curfew getting in as much practice as possible. They were addicted. Hermione wondered what they were going to do when the Slytherin took over the last practice slot on the schedule sometime in the upcoming weeks. The first Gryffindor vs Slytherin match was coming up fast and they were going to have to learn to share.
As Hermione made her way down another deserted hallway, almost expecting tumbleweed to flutter by, she sighed. Walking really wasn't much of an upgrade from sitting around in the common room. She kicked her feet as she continued on, scuffing her shoes and tainting the quiet of the hallway. When the shuffling no longer amused her Hermione turned to humming. She made it to the end of the hall, spinning on a heel and starting to retrace her steps. Pausing her song to breathe, she was interrupted and her ears perked at the sound. Somewhere near by someone was giggling. Alert and careful to remain quiet, Hermione cautiously approached a nearby door, suspicious of possible occupants in the room beyond. The giggling sounded again, but it was cut short and another voice shushed it. Now Hermione was sure she'd missed some frisky teenagers and drew her wand to quietly unlock the door.
She thrust the wooden slab open with a bang, startling the two students entangled in the lounge-like room. They were spread out on the floor atop an ornate tapestry and jumped apart quickly at her entrance.
"Parvarti?" Hermione asked, astounded, and the girl on the floor looked up in alarm. She recognized the intruder immediately and smiled sheepishly, waving.
"Hey, Hermione," Parvarti greeted, pulling up the sleeve of her unbuttoned shirt. Hermione, shaking her head, looked between the girl and her disheveled partner, who was staring wide-eyed in disbelief.
"No. Oh no, this is not happening. Parvarti, how could you? You know the rules. I'm going to have to tell McGonagall..."
"No!" chorused the criminals crouched on the floor. They turned their eyes to each other, lustful and nervous.
"Just... let me take care of it," Parvarti whispered to her boyfriend, then kissed him quickly before getting to her feet and walking toward Hermione, pulling her into the hall and away from the scene of the crime.
"I can't believe you! How could you be so irresponsible?" Hermione lectured, but her words were lost on her housemate.
"Hermione, please," she pleaded. "I don't see how it's the schools business what I do. It's Justin's birthday, I promised him I'd... you know, make it a good one. Can't we just pretend you never found us?"
"No, we absolutely cannot! I can't just let you copulate in an empty classroom! Even if it weren't illegal, I'd still have my conscience if something happened to you," Hermione explained as her friend stared with wide eyes, listening intently. "And it would be the school's business if, by Merlin, you came out pregnant!" It was as Hermione finished that Parvarti burst into laughter.
"Oh, Hermione, don't be such a prude! I'm not going to get pregnant. I can't, not tonight."
"What do you mean you can't? Of course you can!"
"Don't be silly. There isn't a full moon tonight," Parvarti pointed out, crossing her arms and lifting her chin as if her argument was indisputable.
"What does that have to do with anything?" the Head Girl shouted in return, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "We're talking about procreation, not werewolves!" Parvarti's arms lost their attitude and she stared at Hermione in confusion.
"How can it be the third full moon of my cycle without there even being a full moon?" she said by means of explanation, but it did nothing to grant Hermione understanding.
"What?" she asked, disbelief absorbing her volume. Parvarti now looked at the Head Girl as if Hermione had been the one speaking in tongues.
"Hermione, you can only get pregnant on the third full moon of your cycle, everyone knows that. I'm perfectly safe. Justin's a virgin too, we won't get sick. Please, just let us be?" she repeated, clasping her hands together and jutting out her bottom lip. Hermione stood speechless, gaping at her friend. Parvarti continued to pout and plead until her captor was freed from shock and slowly put her hands on Parvarti's shoulders.
"Are you trying to be funny?" Hermione asked, her tone serious. It was clear in Parvarti's expression that she was certainly not trying to be funny. "Are you out of your mind? Who told you that?"
"It's common knowledge, Hermione... Don't they teach you anything in the muggle world? I've known since I was... at least twelve."
"Parvarti! This logic makes no sense! Your cycle is 28 days, that's only enough time for one full moon at the most. How could you ever be on your third?" Hermione pointed out, staring her housemate full in the face. Parvarti was speechless for a moment, contracting her mouth like a fish out of water.
"Go back to the common room. You're on house arrest for three days; no leaving except for meals and class unless otherwise approved by me," Hermione dictated, releasing the student and placing her hands threateningly on her own hips. Parvarti spared a glance into the room she had previously occupied where Justin was now standing against the wall, watching the conversation but unable to hear the dialogue.
"Can't I just say goodnight?" she asked, her walls of resistance all but crumbled. She seemed to be defeated, but Hermione remained rigged and unblinking. "Please? It's his birthday..."
"I think you've given Justin more than a goodnight kiss. Go. You're lucky I'm not going to tell McGonagall," Hermione instructed and Parvarti's eyes widened.
"Not about what you were doing. I'll have to mention that you were out past curfew, but as to why... I'll let it go this one time," she granted reluctantly. Parvarti threw her arms around Hermione.
"Oh, thank you!" she cheered before blowing a kiss to Justin and scampering off. Hermione lifted a hand into the air, beckoning her remaining perpetrator with a curled index finger. Guiltily, Justin walked forward.
"Hey, Hermione," he said sheepishly, eyes trained on his shoes. Hermione remained professional.
"Happy birthday, Justin," she granted and his cheeks burned red.
"Not so much anymore, no," he admitted, voice low. Hermione dropped her rigid posture, beginning to feel empathy for him.
"I'm sorry," she told him. "It's for your own good, you know." Justin nodded somberly, keeping his eyes pointed to the ground. Hermione sighed. "I have to tell Professor Flitwick; as Head Girl and a member of another house, it's my duty to..."
"Inform my Head of House, I know. Can I go? Please? This isn't much above mortifying for me, you know," Justin broke in impatiently, cheeks aflame.
"Well, if you'd listen to me, you know that I plan only to punish you for being out past curfew and not for... your other activities," Hermione informed, smirking, and Justin looked up in surprise.
"Really?" he asked, and she verified with a nod. "Thank you, Hermione." His voice was sincere. "My mother would kill me." Hermione smiled.
"Go on, now. I don't want to have to escort you," she said, prompting Justin to scurry off. With a head full of questions and heavy from a nights work, Hermione locked the classroom door and headed for the Gryffindor common room.
She entered the crimson sanctuary and looked around the space for her best friends. Both of them should have returned from the pitch nearly half an hour ago. There were only a few students littered about and none seemed to be the famous Harry Potter or his hot-tempered sidekick. Deciding that her newly acquired information could not wait to be analyzed, Hermione approached one of the available seventh year boys.
"Neville?" she asked softly, hating to disturb the almost-quiet of the common room. Neville looked up in alarm from his place in an armchair; he was reading an assigned text, but his eyes were glazed over as if he couldn't understand a word of it. "Have Harry and Ron come back yet?" Neville knitted his eyebrows and turned his gaze to the floor, concentrating on remembering. All at once, his face lit up.
"Actually, they just came in," he informed. "They're probably upstairs changing." Hermione sighed, shaking her head.
"I hate to bother you, Neville, but I'd really like to talk with them. Do you think you could go and ask them to come back down?" she asked, batting her eyelashes tastefully, stroking Neville's sense of good will.
"Sure, Hermione," he agreed, shifting to get up from the chair and marking the page in his book. "I should be getting on to bed anyway."
"Thank you, Neville. Good night."
Hermione waited patiently, leaning against the back of a couch, and Neville disappeared up the boys' staircase. She watched a group of exhausted looking first years try to stay awake over their textbooks, cramming for some crucial exam they would likely forget about in a week. Hermione smiled at them; she'd been the same way, innocent in her naivety. It was then that she remembered the reason she needed to speak with Harry and Ron and turned to watch the staircase eagerly.
Her friends descended together, hesitant and anxious. Hermione shook her head at them as she pushed from the sofa, crossing her arms and looking authoritative. They approached her shamefacedly, heads bowed.
"Hey, Hermione," Harry said, coming up to her a meter in front of Ron. Hermione smirked slightly; his 'caught with a cookie' face reminded her distinctly of one Justin Finch-Fletchley. "Look, I know we're a little late, but..." he started and Ron stepped up, cutting him off.
"We thought, since it's Saturday, it'd be wicked to get that new move down and really smoke Hufflepuff at tomorrows match. Harry said you'd- oaf," he explained, but Harry jabbed his friend in the ribs upon realization that he was blowing their cover.
"What Ron means to say," he started, emphasizing his point and glaring at Ron, who grinned sheepishly. "Is that we went out early and lost track of time. Isn't that right, Ron?"
"Erm, yeah; yeah, that's what I meant, exactly," he agreed, nodding fervently. Hermione raised an eyebrow, hips cocked and arms crossed. She fashioned them both with a disbelieving stare, letting them simmer for a moment in the tense quiet.
"You both know I don't believe a word you're saying, don't you?" she asked finally, sounding amused, and the faces of both boys fell. They stared at her with puppy-dog eyes and pouting lips, hoping their charm would get them a free scrape with the law. Hermione laughed. "Don't worry, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. You're off the hook for tonight." Surprised and relieved, both boys grinned, sharing a look before turning their attention to their friend.
"Sure thing; what can we do for you?" Harry asked, as always a gentleman.
"I'm conducting an experiment," she explained. "I need your help." At once their short lived relief dissolved and they seemed more even more anxious than before.
"This isn't going to be like the toad kissing one, is it?" Ron asked, face turning a bit green. "I kissed more frogs than I've eaten slugs."
"Ron, please," Hermione said, exasperated. "That was second year; I was twelve. Get over it."
"What is it, then, Hermione?" Harry urged, ready to be rid of her torment. Hermione smiled.
"Aw, come on, boys. Am I really all that bad?"
Harry and Ron shared a look, but decided against answering. Hermione chuckled airily and rolled her eyes.
"All right, all right. Love you too," she grumbled, then readied herself for the big question, choosing her words carefully. "This is a hypothetical situation," she began, remaining professional and making eye contact with both boys before moving on. They again shared a nervous look. "Harry, for you, I am Cho Chang." At Harry's obvious joy, she reminded him, "Hypothetically. Ron, for you, I'm..." she paused for a moment, thinking, then shrugged. "Wonder Witch." Ron's eyes glazed over.
"I'm liking this experiment," Ron commented, looking eager, his ears turning slightly inward as he listened.
"Quiet, heathen, or I'll have to use my..." Hermione paused for effect. "Impartiality shackles!" She used her best Wonder Witch voice and posed as if for propaganda. Ron swooned.
"Let's get on with this before we need a drool cup," Harry suggested, laughing lightly at his friend. Hermione smiled and continued.
"All right, all right. You both know your assignments?" she asked and they nodded in unison. "Good. Now, say I want to have a one night stand. What do you say?"
"Bloody, hell! What kind of a question is that?" Harry burst out, going red to the tips of his ears, but Ron leaned against the couch for support. She'd just recited his fantasy.
"I'd say... bring your shackles."
"Ron!" Harry cursed, looking around the room as if make sure no one had heard the conversation. All but one of the first years was now either tucked in bed or had fallen asleep on their texts and no one else was paying much attention.
"Harry, just answer the question," Hermione pleaded. "Remember, it's Cho, not me."
"I don't... I think... no. No, of course not," he decided, rather hesitantly, and shook his head. Ron was staring as if he had been shaking three heads.
"Cho Chang, Harry! Think about it!" he said, amazed.
"It doesn't work if you lie, Harry. This is all in the name of science," Hermione reminded him, and Harry sighed, checking the room again for anyone with their nose too close to his business.
"All right, I would. Of course I would. You'd have to be stupid not to. And even then..."
"Okay, Harry, we get it," Hermione interrupted, laughing. "Next question: I want to do it tonight. It's a full moon. Any objections?" Ron promptly shook his head, but Harry was again hesitant. He had questions.
"What are you asking? Are we outside? Is it cold?"
"Harry," Hermione and Ron scolded in unison, both becoming impatient. He held up his hands in defense.
"All right. No, no objections."
"Good," Hermione chided, then tentatively held out her hands as if testing the waters. "What if I mentioned that there had been two full moons since... since my last 'woman's time'?" Ron and Harry tensed in unison. Their calm and relaxed demeanor shattered and they stood like tin soldiers. Hermione hesitated. "Objections?"
"Are you insane, Hermione?" Harry asked, always the logical one. "Of course I don't want to impregnate Cho Chang! We're seventeen!" Hermione dropped her head into her hands, groaning. With one last sprig of hope, she looked to Ron Weasley and knew all was lost.
"Ron?" she dared. He looked thoughtful and a bit more relaxed.
"Well," he started. "My initial reaction was 'Hell no', but I'd have to think about it. I mean, I'd be flaming famous! The father of Wonder Witch's heir! Oh, and it'd be a good looking kid too..."
"Ron!" Harry admonished. "What are you saying? Think of the responsibility."
"What responsibility? She's Wonder Witch, Harry. She could threaten to shackle the best care providers in all' England. It'd be great."
"End of experiment. Data acquired, mission complete. Go to bed before I give you detention for breaking curfew," Hermione dictated, holding her thumbs to her temples. Had the whole world gone mad? She needed to have a serious talk with Professor Dumbledore.
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After getting very little sleep worrying about her peers, Hermione rose in the morning with a mission. She readied herself for breakfast and marched down to the great hall, focused. After allowing herself a window of a quarter hour to consume two pieces of toast and a boiled egg, Hermione planned to approach the Headmaster with her thoughts on her late night discoveries. While she was eating, however, the sheer conspiracy of Parvarti's ideas became known to her.
"So," asked Padma Patil, who had shimied between two feasting Gryffindor in order to speak with her sister. "How was your night, Parv?" she asked, hinting, and bit her Ravenclaw scarf suggestively. Hermione kept an ear open for the other girl's response.
"Uneventful... and yet confusing," she said softly, voice hushed over her cornflakes and cream. Padma lifted an eyebrow and the scarf fell from her mouth.
"But I though you and Justin were supposed to..." she started, but Parvarti shushed her. She shifted her eyes to Hermione, who was doing a very good job of pretending to be interested in a completely different conversation occurring between Harry and Ron.
"I got caught," she whispered. Padma gasped.
"Really? By whom?" she asked.
"Oh," Padma said with a sigh. Parvarti frowned deeply, again shifting her eyes to the Head Girl. "It could have been worse," she tried to encourage. "It could have been Snape." Parvarti shuddered.
"Not making me feel better. The thing is... she said something."
"Well, of course she did. She's Hermione, and Head Girl to boot. You'd have a better chance of being struck by lightning than having her let you off the hook. It's just her way; she's a stickler for the rules."
"No," Parvarti corrected. "She said something else. Padma, have you ever had your third moon?" Padma looked surprised for a moment, then shrugged.
"I don't really keep track unless I'm planning an innuendo. I must have. Why?"
"Hermione said it's impossible."
"What?" Padma was clearly confused. "How can it be impossible? If it were, no one would get pregnant, and we wouldn't have people!"
"That's what I thought... but you know, I've never really... had mine. It's just, never happened. In fact, I've never had a second moon," Parvarti shared, prodding her soggy cornflakes. Padma laughed.
"Are you wondering if she's right? Of course she isn't; she can't be. Everyone knows about the third moon."
"But she's Hermione. When was the last time she was wrong?" Parvarti pointed out, looking up at her sister with wondering eyes. Padma's smile faltered.
"What do you want to do, ask Madam Pomfrey? Oi, Madam... can I get pregnant if it's not my third moon?" she mocked, laughing. "She'll think you've gone mad." Parvarti nodded.
"I guess you're right. It just got me wondering."
"Well, pay attention to your next rag, then, won't you? You're so naive. I'm going back to my breakfast... and my boyfriend," Padma said before getting up from the bench and stalking back to the Ravenclaw table, now sparsely occupied as students began to filter out and enjoy their last day free of classes. Parvarti left soon after her sister, leaving the Great Hall without having eaten much of anything. Hermione stayed behind, rethinking her talk with Dumbledore. Exactly how many people believed in this 'third moon' nonsense? She needed to conduct more tests. Where better to start than her partner in crime, her comrade in conduct, the all-influential Head Boy?
Where was Malfoy when you needed him?