Episode 25, Harry Potter: The Animated Series
An Harry Potter fanfiction
By Andrew yclept Aelfwine
Characters and situations of the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling, and are merely borrowed for this non-commercial fanfic.
Dennis the Menace (fortunately) isn't mine, either.
One proverb borrowed from Robert Rankin's Raiders of the Lost Car Park, which everyone ought to read who can get their hands on a copy.
Another quote taken from Mel Brooks' classic Spaceballs.
This fic fully Law of Fives compliant. fnord
Warnings: Gratuitous silliness. Out-of-characterness. Fourth-wall violations. Parodic elements. Polyamoury. Femmeslash. Boyslash. Suggestive elements. Song parody. Yours Truly. References to Tom Marvolo Riddle, Lord Voldemort, by the nicknames "Voldie" and "Tommykins". Gamer!Draco. Fangirl!Ginny. Stoner!Dumbledore. Pervert!NearlyEveryone.
Pairings/Triplings/Insert-Number-Here-ings: Draco/Blaise/Pansy/Millicent; Harry/Hermione/Ginny/Luna/Lavender/Parvati; Ron/Padma; Snape/McGonagall; George Washington/Martha Washington/Marquis de Lafayette; Elvis/Nixon
Thanks to Azurelunatic for the improved name of Draco's favourite RPG, and for the lovely fanart!
This resulted out of an email conversation with Suika Roberts. However, she oughtn't be blamed-the evil is entirely mine:-)
Some blame does rest with the French translator who IMHO made Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone into Le Petit Nicolas à l'École des Sorciers.
I don't think I would have otherwise brought up Dennis the Menace and Harry Potter in the same sentence.
For the record, Harry Potter: The Animated Series doesn't exist (yet). If it ever does, it probably won't look anything like this.
Breakfast time in the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Judging by the sky-ceiling, it's a sunny autumn day. Fluffy clouds are drifting overhead, along with a Boeing 747, a hot air balloon, and the Enterprise-D.
Closeup on the Staff table. Rubeus Hagrid has a pint of stout and a plate of scrambled eggs, fried mushrooms, and what appear to be kippered gerbils, which Severus Snape is eyeing with evident distaste. Snape's breakfast consists of a boiled egg, two pieces of white toast, and a litre of coffee. Professors Pomona Sprout and Xiomara Hooch also sit at the table.
Snape: "Good Lord, man, how can you stand those... things at seven in the morning?"
Hagrid: "Sev'rus, yeh need t' eat up. Not having a proper breakfast, it'll be the death of yeh. Now, why don't we call down to the kitchen and have 'em rustle yeh up some nice poached hedgepigs, eh?"
Snape turns green.
Minerva McGonagall enters from the left.
McGonagall (sitting down at table, next to Snape): "Good morning! Did you sleep well, Severus?"
Snape: "God's wounds, woman, you know I didn't."
Sprout: "Minerva! How could you?"
Hooch (laughing): "Fair play to you, Minns!"
McGonagall: (blushes) "It's not like that. Severus and I ran into each other last night in the Owlery."
The Owlery, a great room containing row upon row of long perches, something like library shelves, upon which owls of various sizes and colours sit. Two are snogging, several are reading newspapers or books, one is sleeping with a bowler hat tipped over its face, and four are playing cards. Through the single large window, a Gothic arch, we see night sky and stars.
McGonagall, in her professor's robes, has just given an owl a letter.
Snape, bleary-eyed, wearing a green dressing gown and fluffy black and white bunny slippers, enters the room.
McGonagall: "Hello, Severus. You look awful."
Snape: "And well I should, Minerva. My dratted brother is coming on holiday from America."
McGonagall: "But, Severus, that's wonderful. Travelling all the way across the ocean to visit-"
Snape: "And he's bringing my nephew, Dennis. The child is a monstrosity. An horror. A vision of the abyss."
Several bystanding owls: "A menace!"
Snape: "I didn't ask you."
McGonagall: "And when did you see him last?"
Snape: "Twenty years ago. And I barely escaped with my life. He got into my supplies. And mixed soda water with powdered asphodel, aspartame, and Opal Fruits! He made McGuffin's Draught of Mortal Peril, Minerva. By accident! Even Longbottom hasn't done that."
McGonagall: "I'm sure he was just a little boy playing. Why, he must be a fine young man now."
Snape: "That's the problem. He was five years old then. He's five years old now. And he'll be five years old in the twenty-fifth century."
McGonagall: (gasps) "The... Petrus Pannus Curse! Severus, how horrible."
Snape: "He is."
McGonagall: "Severus, you wretch. I meant how horrible for his family."
Snape: "I'm part of his family, and it's quite horrible enough for me."
Cut back to the Great Hall. Closeup on the Gryffindor table. Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, and Ginny Weasley sit together on one side of the table. Opposite them sit Séamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas.
Ron: "Snape's up to something. I know it."
Hermione: "Oh, get off it, Ron. Snape's on our side, remember?"
Ron: "Go on, 'Mione. Don't tell me you really believe all that double agent business. Just because he helped us set up You-Know-Who with that posh job at EuroDisney doesn't mean he's not evil. Why, he could be... he could be... plotting to... to... do something really villainous. Like..."
Harry: "Like what, Ron?"
Neville: "Like becoming the Dark Lord himself?"
Ron: "Nah, too obvious."
Séamus: "Like having a torrid affair with Professor McGonagall?"
Dean: "Like playing centre for Manchester United?"
Hermione: "Like writing trashy stories about the staff and students at an exclusive wizarding school and how they're carrying on with each other in the least likely combinations imaginable?"
Ginny: "Ooh, slash! Nummers!"
Ron: "I don't know, okay?"
Cut to the Slytherin table. Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bulstrode sit in the centre of the table, facing the camera; opposite them sit Blaise Zabini and Draco Malfoy.
Pansy: "Something's up. Watch the Professor."
Millicent: "He keeps edging away from McGonagall, but who can blame him? I saw her pinch his arse last week."
Pansy: "Can't fault her taste in men, at least."
Blaise: "Mmm, not at all. I'd..." (Draco glares at him.) "Not that our Malfoy isn't even more fetching."
Slytherin extras: (singing, to the tune of "The Ode to Joy")
"Draco, Draco, Draco Malfoy
He's Hogwarts' most gorgeous boy
There's no lad whom we would rather
Played with us and naughty toys.
"Golden hair is much more fetching
Than great scars and taped-up specs
And we're certain that H. Potter's
Wouldn't match our Malfoy's pecs."
Cut to Gryffindor table. The shot widens out, revealing that Nevile Longbottom, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell sit with Harry, Hermione, and Ginny, in the midst of the Gryffindor extras.
Ron: "Crummy lyrics."
Pansy: (voice only) "Let's see you write better, Weasel."
Ron: "And what if I did?"
Neville: "I'd be forced to tie up and deprogramme you."
Alicia: "May I watch?"
Katie: "Harry, they said Malfoy's pecs are better than yours. You mustn't back down from a challenge like that!"
Alicia: "Strip off your shirt, Harry, do! For the honour of Gryffindor!"
Gryffindor extras: "For the honour of Gryffindor! Let the battle of the pectorals begin!"
Ginny: (makes inarticulate growling noises)
Ron: "Merlin! Wouldn't that be a sight?"
Ginny: "Brother or not, hands off our Harry or I'll hex you."
Alicia: "Perhaps you should wrestle him, Harry."
Katie: "I've some oil here in my bag."
Hermione takes out a dagger and begins cleaning her fingernails.
Harry: (to the tune of "Frère Jacques" ("Lazy Andy.")):
"I'm not listening,
I'm not listening.
Not at all,
Not at all."
In the potions lab, Snape is stirring something in a cauldron. As he stirs, he sings:
(to the tune of Warren Zevon's "Lawyers, Guns, and Money")
"I went home with a nixie
The way I always do
How was I to know
She was with the Dark Lord, too?
"I was gambling in Knockturn
I took a little risk.
Send anyone but Potter
To get me out of this.
"An innocent Potions Master
But somehow I got stuck
Teaching Harry Potter
That's just my rotten luck."
There is a knocking at the door.
Snape: "Not now, you fool! I'm in the middle of a very sensitive experiment."
Goyle (voice only): "Please, sir! A little boy's come through the fireplace in the Common Room! He's evil, sir! Evil!"
Snape: "Don't be ridiculous, Goyle. That fire's not connected to the Floo."
Little boy's voice: "Uncle Sevvy! Uncle Sevvy!"
Snape: "Merlin's toenails!"
He lets go the stirring stick and turns toward the door. Before he can reach it, the door is blown down. It falls to the floor, clipping Snape's toes.
A little blond boy stands in the doorway, dressed in muggle clothes, except for his wizard's hat, which is worn askew, looks to have been squashed and pushed back into shape several times, and is being sat upon by a large frog. A y-fork catapult hangs from the pocket of his short trousers. This is Dennis Snape. Behind him, Goyle stands as if frozen, a look of shock on his face.
Dennis: "Hi, Uncle Sevvy!"
Snape falls over in a faint. The cauldron boils over with green goo, which coalesces into a blob and begins to creep toward the door.
Dennis: (pulls on Snape's nose) "Uncle Sevvy? Wake up, Uncle Sevvy!"
Snape: "I would prefer not to."
The green goo creeps toward Snape and Dennis.
Dennis: "Hi, green goo!"
The green goo develops eyes, which go wide in fright. It very quickly creeps back into the cauldron.
The Potions Classroom. Slytherin and Gryffindor students sit two by two at rows of tables. We open with a wide-angle shot and close to focus on Goyle. He is talking to a rapt audience of Slytherins, with a couple of Gryffindor extras hanging on the fringe. Vincent Crabbe, the Random Slytherin Girl, Lucas of Slytherin, and the Random Slytherin Boy are closest to him.
Random Slytherin Girl: "And what did he look like? Tell us, Goyle, won't you please?" She flutters her eyelashes.
Goyle: "Well, he was... monstrous! He looked just like a little kid, but you could just feel the evil coming off him. Like, like..."
Random Slytherin Girl: "Like the Dark Lord, Goyle? Oh my..."
Goyle: "Nah, not like that. I met the Dark Lord, once, and he was just like your uncle Artemius-- "
Random Slytherin Girl: "I haven't got an Uncle Artemius."
Crabbe: "I haven't got one, either, Greg. You know that. You have, and Draco has, and... who else's got an Uncle Artemius?"
Lucas: "I've got an Uncle Artemius. He changed his name to George and ran off to America, and they say he makes those Muggle picture shows."
Random Slytherin Boy: "Right, Lucas. Tell us another big'un, eh?"
Goyle: "All right, he was just like my Uncle Artemius. Except he drank brandy instead of sherry, and he didn't get up and dance the fandango on the table after the cheese course, and he looked like some big snake-thing. But other than that he was just like my uncle Artemius."
Crabbe: "Professor Snape's nephew drank brandy?"
Draco (comes in and sits down beside Goyle): "No, you witless dolt, the Dark Lord drank brandy. Go on, Goyle, ignore these prats. Tell us about Pofessor Snape's nephew."
Goyle: "Well, he was just... evil. Like he looked like a little kid, but he wasn't, right? And he grabbed Professor Snape by the nose and... I fought him, really, I did, but he was too... too... strong, and... I can't talk about it..."
Random Slytherin Girl: "Alas! Poor, poor Professor Snape."
Lucas: "You tried, man. And there's none of us could have done any better, I'm sure of it." (He puts his arm about Goyle.)
Goyle: (sniffs) "I tried, I did..."
Snape: (sweeping through the door) "You tried what, Goyle?"
Goyle: "Err... nothing at all, Professor."
Random Slytherin Girl, Random Slytherin Boy, Lucas: "Oh, Professor, you're alive!"
Snape: "Yes, yes, yes, of course I'm alive. I spent years as a double agent for Stumblebore and Lord Voldie, didn't I?"
Random Slytherin Boy: "Professor! We mustn't call him that!"
Snape: "Random, I'll call Little Lord Tommykins what I damned well please. Fifty points from Slytherin, and if you dare correct me again then as God is my witness you'll serve detention taking my nephew to Muggle tourist attractions."
Snape: "Don't interrupt me, Goyle. Five points from Slytherin."
Crabbe: "But, sir..."
Snape: "Five more points from Slytherin, Crabbe. As I was saying, it takes far more than a dreadful nephew, bruised toes, and close proximity to the explosive suicide of a terrified cauldron-full of semi-sentient green goo to send a Snape to his honourable ancestors."
Random Slytherin Girl: "Sir, look out! Above you!"
Snape (looks up, an expression of horror on his face. The camera pans up, following his gaze, to the chandelier, from one spoke of which Dennis hangs by his hands): "Saint Dunstan's toenails! Dennis, come you down from there at once!"
Dennis: "Uncle Sevvy! This is more fun than monkey bars!" He swings to another spoke. His frog familiar still sits atop his hat. Jump cut to the chain of the chandelier, of which one link is breaking.
Snape: "Loki take it!" He draws his wand. "Wingardium-- !"
The chandelier falls before he can finish his spell. When the dust clears, Snape stands, his wand still raised, with the hoop of the chandelier round his neck. His black robes are covered in dust. Dennis sits on Snape's shoulders. His frog has not moved from his hat. "Wow, Uncle Sevvy, that was fun! Can we go see the giant squid now?"
Snape: (sighs theatrically) "May we go to see the giant squid, Dennis."
Dennis: "May we go see the giant squid, Uncle Sevvy?"
Snape: "Yes, Dennis, we may. Class is dismissed. Highest marks for the term and five hundred points to the house of any student who develops a cure for the Petrus Pannus Curse." (Snape disentangles himself from the chandelier and steps out the door, Dennis still on his shoulders.)
Neville: "But... that's impossible! The most brilliant witches and wizards of history have devoted centuries to finding a cure. Flamel couldn't do it. Hawking failed, and the shock drove him mad. They say ever since he's riding about in a wheeled chair and thinking he's a Muggle physicist."
Hermione: "They just hadn't the right motivation."
Neville: "Five hundred points?"
Hermione: "Five hundred points, and Harry Potter's handsome arse."
To be continued