Hogwarts from the outside, with a sunrise in the background. A cock crows.

Cut to Hagrid's hut. A dragon sits atop the roof; it opens its mouth and crows again. Immediately afterward, it belches. The flaming burp sets fire to the thatch; very quickly the dragon pats the fire out with its tail, looking both ways as if to be sure no one has seen.

Cut to the halls of the castle, where students are hurrying about with boxes and casks and bits of odd equipment.

Argus Filch and his cat, Mrs. Norris, stop a pair of students who wear brown cowled robes and are accompanied by two steampunk robots. One is a barrel branded "Saml. Smith's Yorkshire Best Mild Butterbeer," fitted with a glass globe and attached telescope in place of a head; it rests on four small spoked wheels. The other is humanoid, the colour of tarnished brass, riveted together, with a faucet for a nose and a handlebar mustache made from a pair of small brushes. A smokestack sticks out the top of his head, and he wears a monocle.

Filch: "Bit early for you lot to be up and about, ent it?"

Cut to Filch viewpoint shot. We see the two students in brown robes are Draco Malfoy and Ron Weasley.

Draco: "You did not see us."

Filch: "I did not see you."

Draco: "These are not the droids you are looking for."

Filch: "Those are not the droids I am looking for."

They pass on their way.

Ron: "Nice Jedi mind trick, Malfoy."

Draco: "Merlin's toes, Weasley, whoever told you about the Jedi?"

Ron: "Hermione made us watch one of those Muggle picture shows. 'Star Warts,' I think it was called.

Draco (shakes head): "Blasted Muggles. What will they show next, the secret warehouse in America with the Ark of the Covenant in it?"

Dobby the House Elf, voice only, from the barrel-shaped droid: "Would Ron Weasley let Dobby out now? The smell is making Dobby sick!"

Winky the House Elf, voice only, from the humanoid droid: "Could Winky trade with Dobby? Winky doesn't mind smell of Samuel Smith's."

Cut to Filch and Mrs. Norris.

Filch: "Snotty little Jedi git. Does he truly think I'd fall for that dusty old mind trick? Why, back when I was a Stormtrooper I'd have-"

Mrs. Norris: "Meoowww!"

Filch: "Yes, love, I know they're fighting the Menace. Do you think I'd've let them be otherwise?"

Cut to the Great Hall. Along with light clouds and the rising sun, the sky-ceiling shows a classic Fifties-style flying saucer, a blimp, and a flock of pterodactyls.

Harry and Hermione are setting up a pair of elaborate devices resembling late Renaissance laser cannon, each engraved with cabalistic signs and connected by a thick cable to an oversized hamster wheel. The hamster wheels are empty at present; Luna is sitting on the floor with the four horned hedgehogs which will motivate the wheels, feeding them oatcakes and beer. Across the room, Ginny stands staring through an old-fashioned brass transit; she directs Harry and Hermione with waves of her hands. They are setting the fluted muzzles of the cannon to converge on an innocent-looking bowl of cereal and milk. Next to the bowl is set a box; for a second the shot tightens on the box so we may read its label: "Root Loops. Made of genuine Idaho potatoes, sweet potatoes, beets, turnips, and mangel-wurzels, sweetened with real corn syrup."

Harry: "You're sure this will work?"

Hermione: "As sure as we can be. Dobby's cousin at Father Christmas, Ltd. put our figures through their Cray-Trismegistus II. If we can keep both beams on Dennis for the full 17.773 second burst, we've got a better than 96.55 chance of breaking the Petrus Pannus."

Ginny: "Assuming both femurs truly belonged to Rutherford B. Hayes, of course."

Luna: "Professor Lupin's French cousin stole them himself out of the headquarters of Bones and Sculls, America's most selective conspiracy and rowing society. How could they not be?"

Harry: "Who was Rutherford B. Hayes, anyhow?"

Ginny: "Some American president. Chiefly notable for... something, I'm sure."

Luna: "He forced a bill through the American Magical Congress that prohibited hunting of the Lesser Texas Semi-Carnivorous Shrub. Unfortunately, the Shrub was not endangered, and the resulting increase in its population drove the American Aquamarine-crested Snorkack to the brink of extinction."

Hermione: "T minus two minutes, twenty-three seconds. Look alive, people." She withdraws a stopwatch from her pocket.

Harry and Ginny station themselves by the switches that trigger the cannon. Luna places the hedgepigs inside their hamster wheels.


Ron: "Dobby, are you ready? Winky?"

Dobby, still inside the barrel: "Dobby is ready, Ronald Weasley! Lock and load!"

Winky, inside the humanoid: "Winky is ready, fuckin' A! Cocked, locked, and ready to rock!"

Draco (sighs): "Would you remind me, Weasel? Why did we let them watch all those American war pictures?"

Ron: "Because 'preparing the house elves' gave you an excuse to watch Muggle films without compromising your Malfoy dignity, Ferret?"

Draco: "You're the one who said we all had to see those 'Highlander' things. And you know how that turned out, once the house elves got enthusiastic."

Ron: "Well, none of them were badly hurt. And Madam Pomfrey sewed all the heads and limbs and bits back on, didn't she?"

Random Slytherin Girl, from down the hall: "Dennis approaching! Repeat, Dennis approaching! Operation Red Jane is go!"

Ron: "I suppose the House Elves aren't the only ones who saw too many American war pictures, are they?"

Draco makes a rude gesture at Ron.

The droids move out into the middle of the hall. Within seconds, Dennis comes into view.

Dennis: "Robots! Cool!" He approaches, and the droids run. Winky's brass humanoid runs with a clumsy stride, making clanging noises and emitting puffs of smoke from its stack. Dobby's barrel glides along on its wheels.

They run through the halls, Dennis in pursuit, passing students and house elves and Filch with Mrs. Norris on his shoulder. They round one corner and pass a miniature bleacher full of cheering mice waving flags. Rounding another, they speed through a battlefield on which dozens of inch-high tanks are contending, pink against green; several from both sides are crushed in their wake.

The pursuit continues past an oblivious Snape and McGonagall, snogging in an alcove, and into the Great Hall.

Dennis (catching sight of the cereal): "Root Loops! My favourite!" He plonks himself down by the cereal bowl and begins to eat. The cannon open up, projecting a purple beam. Dennis continues to nosh, paying no mind as a purple field forms around him, crackling with small lightning bolts.

Hermione clutches her stopwatch so tightly that her fingers visibly dent the case. At last she makes a chopping motion with her other hand. The beams shut off.

Dennis stands up. An unaccustomedly deep voice issues from his mouth, with reverb, and his eyes glow red: "Ha ha ha ha! Once again, Evil triumphs because Good is dumb! Pitiful fools, you did not realise that mangel-wurzels only make the Spirit of the Petrus Pannus Curse stronger!

"Now I shall spread my shadow across the entire Earth! And all will grovel at my feet! Your televisions will show only explosions and car chases, and no mushy stuff! Comedians will tell 'knock-knock' and 'what's grosser than gross?' jokes! And your beer will be replaced with sticky fruit punch and fizzy neon-coloured soft drinks! Ha ha ha ha! This message has been brought to you by the Council for the Advancement of Lesser-Known Demonic Forces. Have a nice day."

Random Slytherin Boy: "But we're wizards. We haven't got televisions."

Crabbe: "Explosions and car chases? Whatever this telly-vision thing is, it sounds grand."

Hagrid (walking into the Hall, whistling, his umbrella tucked under his arm): "What's this, now? Why's that Dennis got them big red eyes?"

Random Slytherin Boy: "He's possessed by the Spirit of the Petrus Pannus Curse. Apparently we're meant to grovel."

Hagrid: "Petrus Pannus Curse? Why, me old dad used to cure that all the time. His gran gave him the recipe. I've a bottle here in me coat pocket. Come you here, lad, let Uncle Hagrid set you right."

Dennis (still with reverb): "No!!" Hagrid grabs him and sits on the nearest bench, sitting the boy down on his knee. Taking out a flask, he puts it to Dennis' lips.

Hagrid: "There, lad, drink it down. I know it tastes nasty; I'm sorry for that, but we've no cod liver oil to cut the taste."

Dennis: "Noooooooooo!!" The reverb cuts out midway through, and his normal voice returns.

Hagrid: "Good lad. All better now?"

Dennis: "I think so, sir. Would you tell me where I might find a set of Shakespeare's works? I feel as if my education has been sorely lacking."

Hagrid: "Shakespeare? As yeh wish, of course, lad, but I'd suggest yeh start with the Anglo-Saxon elegies. Best ter learn yer English literature straight through from the very beginning, as me mum always used ter say, like."

Ron: "I thought his mum was a giant."

Hermione: "A giant who knew her literary canon, evidently. Unlike some wizards."

Ron: "Should I take offense?"

Hermione: "Yes."


McGonagall and Snape are standing by the gates. A red Triumph convertible has pulled up; behind the wheel sits Caligula Snape, a man in a lavender pinstripe suit with blown-dry black hair, remarkably clear skin, and a Snape nose. The woman next him, Augusta Wetherford Snape, has blonde hair put up in a neat chignon and wears a linen blazer; she might be Narcissa Malfoy's American cousin.

In the back sits Dennis. His tee shirt is replaced with a pressed green, silver, and black sport shirt, and his pointed hat looks brand new. His frog sits on his shoulder, and now wears horn-rimmed glasses.

Dennis: "I say, Uncle Severus, thank you so much for all your kindness. I hope I've not been too much bother..."

Snape: "Not at all, Dennis, not at all."

Cut to Snape's fingers, crossed.

Cut back.

McGonagall: "Perhaps you might come here in a few years, Dennis? We can always do with students of your... unusual talents."

Snape (his eyes go wide for a second): "Of course, Dennis. I expect with a little more experience you'll be a fine Potions maker, just like your father."

Dennis: "Oh, you're too kind, Uncle Severus, too kind. I'm honoured by your request, Professor McGonagall, but I believe my mother wishes me to begin at Salem Academy, her old school. Perhaps I might spend a year here as an exchange student."

Caligula: "Forgive me, Severus, Madam McGonagall, but we're due to catch a Portkey for Italy."

Snape "Of course, Cal. Enjoy your trip."

Dennis: "Goodbye, Uncle Severus! I'll send you a postcard from the Uffizi Gallery!"

Snape and McGonagall wave goodbye. As soon as the Triumph is out of sight, Snape turns to McGonagall.

Snape: "My dear Minerva, are you quite all right? Did I just hear you wishing Dennis to come back?"

McGonagall: "Well, he did right by us in the end." (Glomps onto Snape and kisses him.)

Snape: "That he did. As long as Pomona doesn't kill us."

McGonagall: "Oh, she's not that angry." (A large fanged red apple comes bouncing from inside the gate. Its next landing will bring it down directly where Snape and McGonagall stand. McGonagall picks Severus up and swings the pair of them out of its path. The apple bounds out of the picture; moments later we hear an almighty splat)

Snape: "I suppose this means the Whomping Willow will smell of apples for the next fortnight."

Behind them we see Sprout jumping up and down in fury.


The Great Hall at evening. The sunset is glorious. In one quadrant of the sky two fleets of blimps are battling, firing broadsides of giant suction-cup darts at each other. In another quadrant a pterodactyl flies away towards the horizon with a silvery flying saucer clasped in its talons.

The Gryffindors, Slytherins, and Ravenclaws are all sitting together at a single great table. Harry, Draco, and Ron are standing by the door, talking, as if they've just got up from the table. As we watch, Hermione, Luna, and Ginny join them, standing very close to Harry.

Harry: "I 'ave to say, Draco, I always did think you a right git. But as we've shed blood an' sweat an' tears together battling Him Who Can Be Named, But We Don't Want to Name Him Cos He Might Come Back-"

Ron: "Harry! Remember what you always used to say about Voldemort? Refusing to name someone just increases their power!"

Harry: "But I don't want to... all right. Denys-"

Hermione: (whispers) "Harry, it's spelt D E double-N I S."

Harry: "Pronounced the same, ent it?"

Hermione: "Well, close enough. But why...?"

Ron: "Cos it sounds more British."

Hermione: "But that's silly. Really, I--" (Luna whispers in her ear. She blushes.) "Oh, just get on with it, all right?

Harry: "As I was saying, the Menace, I came to the realisation that you was a right solid bloke. A man I'd be proud to call a mate. Even if you are a toff, an' go walkin' about with that nose of yours turnt up--"

Hermione: "Harry! For Merlin's sake, you don't talk that way at all. You're from Surrey!"

Harry: "Oh, right. Sorry."

Draco: "Don't mention it. Although I have to confess I find that rough working class argot quite... manly. Care for a spot of the old public school vice, now we're friends and all that?"

Luna, Ginny, and Hermione draw their wands. The air crackles with magickal energy.

Hermione: "This isn't slash. And he's mine. All--" (Luna and Ginny glare) "ours! Ours, I say!"

Draco: (shrugs) "A fellow can try, can't he? So, I'm off to have a go with Pansy and Millicent. And Blaise Zabini. Who is, of course, a lovely specimen of the female gender."

Hermione: "Isn't Blaise a lad?"

Draco: "Well, yes, but I thought..."

Ginny: "All we care is that it's not Harry-slash."

Draco: "Lovely. So, I'm for the dungeon. Have a good shag with your harem, Harry."

Harry: "Mmmph." (Luna and Ginny have him bound, gagged, and slung beneath a broomstick.)

Ron: (Backs away from the scene.) "I'm leaving now. Goodbye."

Still walking backwards, he bumps into the front of a tall girl's black robe. The shot pans up, and we see first a Ravenclaw tie, then a pretty honey-brown face which looks much like Parvati's. This is Padma Patil. Her arms close around his chest.

Ron: "Err... Hello, Parvati. Ah, aren't you still crushing on Harry?"

Padma: "Silly boy, I'm Padma. Can't you tell me apart from my sister yet?" (She takes him by the shoulders and turns him round.) "You know, you never did kiss me good night after the Yule Ball. I suppose I'll have to take what's owed me right now. And a bit of interest besides."

Ron: "Help! I'm about to be--"

Padma: "I've a girl's uniform in just your size, Ronniekins. And motorcycling kit in mine. Won't you come and play at dressing up?"

Ron: (whispers) "ravished."

Padma: "Quite right, love."


Omake:

Cut to a wide angle shot with Parvati and Lavender sitting on a blanket by the lake. Judging by the light, it's late morning. Judging by the array of Teen Witch Weekly magazines and cosmetic products laid out on their blanket, it's probably a Saturday. In the background, Ron and Padma are floating on a raft; Ron appears to be playing chess with the Giant Squid, whilst Padma is cuddled against his side, reading.

Tighten to a closeup on Parvati and Lavender.

Parvati: "Well, a third-share of a really extraordinary boy is better than a whole-share of a mediocre one. And a third-share of two cute girls more than makes up the difference."

Lavender: "Third? I make it a fifth share of a really extraordinary boy, and a fifth share of four cute girls."

Parvati (her eyes light up): "Lavender? You mean..."

Lavender: "Of course. Hermione and Ginny and I had a little talk after you fell asleep last night, and Luna said yes at breakfast."

Parvati: "So, that's why you smelt of Hermione's soap this morning. Lavender, you pervert!"

Lavender: "Yes. Do you mind?"

Parvati: "Not in the slightest." (She glomps Lavender.)


Afternoon. Snape and McGonagall are walking arm in arm in a meadow; in the background we see Hogwarts Castle. There is a sudden noise, as of a huge rubberband snapping. A fusillade of carrots just misses them.

Cut to Sprout, beside a giant catapult, jumping up and down in fury.

Snape: "This grows tiresome."

McGonagall: "I did think she'd have given up the assassination attempts by now."

Nearby a bush rustles vigorously.

Harry (voice only): "Loves, I'm a bit knackered..."

Ginny (voice only): "Oh, Harry, darling, it's sweet Lavender's turn..."

McGonagall: "Hmm, I suppose that's one potential solution to our Pomona problem."

Snape faints.

Here Endeþ ðe Episode.