The Dark Side of Being a Shinobi
8:45 am. Konoha. Hokage's chambers.
"Ahh, damn it!" Tsunade cried out in frustration and let the stack of papers she was holding fall onto her desk. She leaned back on her chair and stretched her back, grimacing. Her job had been nothing but flipping papers since the day she accepted the position of Konoha's fifth Hokage. But this, this was just getting ridiculous.
Her assistant Shizune gave her just about as frustrated look.
"Please, Hokage-sama", she sighed. "I know it's not much fun to arrange the requests to classes and hand them out to the most suitable shinobis, but it must be done".
"It's not that", Tsunade replied and rubbed her temples, looking tired. "We have a flood of requests coming in and most of our guys are already carrying out the missions we received earlier. We have a lack of workforce, so to speak."
Shizune nodded. "Does it mean we have to hand out more C-class missions to Genin?"
"Yeah", Tsunade growled. "And what really sucks is that most of these requests are D- and C-class missions and we really can't go on handing our most skilled Jounin babysitting jobs."
Shizune couldn't help but chuckle.
Tsunade smiled resignedly. "Picture Hatake Kakashi changing diapers."
Shizune almost fell down from her chair.
10:10 am. Konoha. Handing out duties.
Iruka glanced quickly through the scroll that had all the C-class missions written down just to ensure that no request had been ignored incidentally. Then he wrapped the scroll neatly up and placed it on the table.
"Is this all, Hokage-sama?" he asked, turning to the fifth Hokage.
Tsunade yawned and picked a scroll from the table. She looked strange wearing the official Hokage-outfit with the hat and all. "Yeah, that's all of the D- and C-class missions. However, here's the one and only B-class one I couldn't figure out who to hand it to."
She tossed the scroll sloppily to Iruka who captured it from the air, the good Chuunin he was. He wrapped the scroll open and raised an eyebrow at the information it held.
"You sure this is B-class, Hokage-sama?" he asked and thoughtfully scratched the scar going over the ridge of his nose.
Tsunade gave him a mischievous grin. "Positive".
"Let me see", said Hatake Kakashi from Iruka's left side and reached his gloved hand out to take the scroll from Iruka. Iruka gave it up meekly.
Iruka could've sworn Kakashi's lips curled into a grin under his mask when he read the scroll's contents. There was something horribly playful in his visible eye when he looked at Tsunade and flung the scroll back at her.
"I know just the right guys for that mission. It ought to do good for those two rivalling idiots…"
Name: Uzumaki Naruto.
Currently: Dashing down the street, cursing and trying to make his straight-out-of-bed –hair look somewhat good. Clueless, and awfully clueless about being so damn clueless. Forgot his forehead protector home, but hasn't yet noticed. Is about to be late for the daily bore of being handed a task.
Name: Uchiha Sasuke.
Currently: Sitting in the lobby outside of the room in which the duties are handed out, reading an old issue of Cosmopolitan, hence being alert and knowing the danger of being seen with that particular magazine and ending up as a general laughing stock. Cursing Naruto for being so damn late again.
10:49 am. Konoha. Lobby.
The very second Naruto stepped into the lobby someone flung a magazine directly at his face.
"Can't you be at least once on time, dead last?!" he heard Sasuke snarl. "Do you realize you're making others look bad?"
"Yeah, like you're the one to talk about making others look bad, Mr. Show-off!" Naruto countered stingily and picked up the magazine he had been hit with. He was too irked and too clueless to pay any attention to the fact that it was Cosmopolitan.
Sasuke heaved a deep sigh. "We could go on forever and you'd eventually lose, so let's just get this over with".
"You're ducking out?!" Naruto shot at him triumphantly.
Sasuke gave him The Look. "Lay it off, dimwit. And do something to your hair for chrissakes, you're looking even more stupid than usual", he said, walked to the door and went inside. Naruto muttered something to himself about Sasuke being an annoying bitch and tried to pull his gravity-defying blond hair down. That's when he noticed his forehead protector was missing and he let out a colorful curse.
He followed Sasuke grumpily inside.
Fifth Hokage and her assorted company of other appreciated shinobi were sitting unbendingly behind long tables in the other end of the room. The room had a courthouse-like atmosphere and the fact that the fifth Hokage Tsunade was smiling so disturbingly sweetly didn't make the heavy air any lighter.
Naruto was clueless enough not to notice the atmosphere and kept himself busy at waving good-humoredly to Shizune, Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei (he still had bit of a grudge with Tsunade because the old, fat cow had "taken his place" as the fifth Hokage of Konoha, and therefore he ignored her). Sasuke was feeling very uncomfortable.
"You're late", Tsunade smiled at the boys.
Sasuke hurried to glare at Naruto to shake off all possible doubts about him being the reason for them being late. Naruto didn't hurry to blame Sasuke, he scratched his neck and looked as rueful as he could. "I kind of overslept, ha ha".
"Never mind, it doesn't really matter", Tsunade waved her hand in a forgiving manner.
"Hey hey, do you have a really cool and dangerous A-class mission for us?!" Naruto exclaimed enthusiastically, forgetting about being late and maybe courteously apologising for it.
"Oh boy, do we have a mission for you guys", Tsunade replied with a smirk and wrapped open one of the scrolls she had on the table before her. "Unfortunately it's just B-class but a really challenging one nevertheless."
Naruto's face strained a bit and Sasuke would've rolled his eyes if doing such only fit in his moody, expressionless appearance.
"You are to infiltrate into Hidden Cloud's ambassador's nice little dinner party tonight as guests. Your task is to find certain documents and 'confiscate' them. This mission requires confidence, skill to gain access to the heart of an enemy territory without being noticed and nerves of steel. Also a healthy amount of insanity. The details are attached to the scroll", Tsunade explained and flung the scroll at Sasuke.
Sasuke wrapped the scroll open and started reading.
Tsunade continued: "Also, no fighting. If you are detected, the order to withdraw takes priority. Just get the hell out of there before you have a whole army of Hidden Cloud's Anbu on your trail. Any questions?"
Sasuke cleared his throat, looking rather confused. He lifted his eyes from the scroll. "Umm, Hokage-sama?"
"This is the invitation, right?" Sasuke asked and waved a neat, folded white piece of paper he had found from inside the scroll.
"Yes", Tsunade said, raising her eyebrow.
"Is this the only one?" Sasuke asked, uncertainty showing through his voice. Naruto was nodding furiously next to him, apparently utterly oblivious about what was going on.
"Yes", Tsunade replied. "But it says Kurono Kiyoshi-san from Konoha is under an obligation to bring an avec."
"Oh", Sasuke said, fully understanding.
And then Kakashi dropped a bomb. "It means that one of you has to wear a dress".
11:02 am. Konoha. Lobby.
Sasuke and Naruto had never publicly agreed on anything, but when they heard Kakashi tell them with a leer that the mission entitled (or rather forced) one of them to dress up as a woman to accompany this Kurono Kiyoshi-san, they had both yelled a mighty "WHAT?!!" in complete unison.
And before the shock had worn off Tsunade had ushered them away with clear instructions about the mission and closed the door after them.
Now Sasuke and Naruto were standing in the hall, staring into the void and not knowing what to think.
Naruto regained his consciousness first. He lunged at the door and attacked it with the fury of Nine Tails, banging his fists against it and screaming that he wasn't going to do it.
Sasuke wanted to do the same, but he still had an image to maintain.
The door opened and Iruka stepped out, looking sheepish and yielding.
"Hey, Naruto, calm down", he said and raised his hands in a soothing manner.
Naruto was practically puffing with rage.
"Are you making fun of me, Iruka-sensei?" he said with an accusing tone.
"No no", Iruka said and managed a dry laugh. "This is a very serious mission. Hokage-sama gave it to you two because she trusts you and knows you can do it. It really is a challenging mission, it's B-class after all."
"Yeah, cross-dressing is always serious", Naruto muttered.
Sasuke butted in, not able to keep his curiosity. "Why are you giving a mission like this to two males? Wouldn't it save us a lot of trouble not even to mention embarrassment to hand the duty to a team of a male and female?"
Iruka shook his head. "That would be the procedure in normal circumstances, yes", he said. "But this time the situation is really awkward, we're kind of short of workforce, so to speak. We are getting requests more than usually and we don't have enough shinobi to complete all the tasks. So handing the missions has become tricky. There was absolutely no suitable kunoichi available for this mission and we would never use civilians for a confidential request like this."
Sasuke and Naruto stayed silent.
"What if I refuse?" Naruto said defiantly.
"Well, violating an order would lead to debating in court...", Iruka said with a evil grin.
Naruto's face strained. "Ehah, I was just kidding."
"Well, of course you could go there as two guys holding hands, if you can't get over that dressing as a woman –thing", Iruka leered at them. "It's not like it's strange to be with another man…"
It felt like the lobby had suddenly shrunk and the walls had gotten nearer. Iruka had to bite his lip not to laugh out loud at the sight of Naruto and Sasuke staring at each other, their eyes widened from utter terror.
Naruto glanced meaningfully at Iruka.
"We'll go with the dress", he said firmly.
Iruka laughed nervously. "Consider this as an ordeal of fire to become a Jounin. It's not that every shinobi are handed a mission of this calibre in your age and believe me, Jounin have to do even dirtier jobs than dressing up as women."
He waved his hand as a goodbye and left.
"Yeah, like you'd know, Mr. Eternal Chuunin…", Naruto muttered.
Sasuke just stared after Iruka, apparently deep in thought.
"So, Naruto, where do we get you a dress?" he finally said slowly.
11:35 am. Konoha. Outside of Ichiraku ramen.
As expected, Naruto didn't settle with Sasuke going on with the presumption that it was him who was going to be Kurono Kiyoshi-san's dress-wearing avec. Actually he got so angry he almost Rasenganed Sasuke's ass into another dimension right there and then.
Sasuke knew fighting wouldn't lead anywhere so he had just settled with punching Naruto and telling him that ok, they were going to think it over and come up with a sensible resolution. Like adults. Now they were standing outside of Ichiraku ramen, thinking. Actually Sasuke was thinking, Naruto was probably too close to ramen to be able to think straight.
"Think all you want, I ain't gonna wear a dress", Naruto suddenly snarled.
"Why not?" Sasuke countered, tired of talking about dresses.
"Why?" Naruto shrieked. "Because it's not my style! I'm a tough guy, I ain't gonna wear a dress. It should be you. You're more girly than me".
Everything went red in Sasuke's eyes. "Girly? Me?!"
"Well yeah, you're a tad bit more slender than me, you have longer hair and you have a girly face and overall you're a lot cu…"
Suddenly Naruto zipped his mouth shut and looked away and Sasuke could've sworn he was blushing.
"I'm what?" Sasuke asked, raising a meaningful eyebrow.
"No, seriously. I'm a lot what?"
Naruto grunted. "You're a lot cuter than me, ok?"
Sasuke managed to look amused. "Yeah, right."
Right out of the blue Naruto turned furious. "I'm not kidding! Let's ask anyone and they'll say you're cuter than me! Cuter in a girly way, I might add! And no girls, because they all are swooning over you already and it wouldn't be fair", he exclaimed and spotted the perfect victim amongst the innocent bypassers. "Hey, Shikamaru!!"
Nara Shikamaru, his hands in his pockets and looking typically bored and misanthropist, raised his eyes from the ground and glared at Naruto from under his brow.
"Oh, great", he muttered inaudibly and waved his hand lazily at Naruto, hoping he would get by with only that.
"Come here!" the insistent blond yelled at him, waving his hand furiously.
Shikamaru heaved a deep sigh and directed his footsteps towards Naruto and Sasuke.
"What do you want?" he grunted at Naruto when he was in talking range.
"Which one of us is cuter? In girly way", Naruto demanded promptly.
Shikamaru stared, his eyebrows nearly merging with his hairline.
"What?" he managed.
Naruto sighed. "Cuter. Me or Sasuke?"
Shikamaru stared a bit more. "Oh man, you guys have totally lost it. What kind of question is that?!"
"No, we're serious", Sasuke hurried to emphasize. "Which one is it?"
"That's, like, too weird", Shikamaru said. "Nuh-uh, can't do that. Why don't you ask girls? That'd be a lot more normal."
Naruto shook his head. "All the girls think Sasuke is a babe. It wouldn't be fair."
"Makes sense", Shikamaru grunted. "But no! What kind of a guy do you think I am?!"
"Oh c'mon! It's not like we're gonna tell anyone. This is REALLY important, so just say which one of us is cuter in a girly way. If we were girls, would you date me or Sasuke?"
Shikamaru's eyes flew wide from terror. "Neither of you, fuck no! And thank you for the mental image, I think I'll see nightmares for the rest of my life!"
Sasuke nudged Naruto violently between his ribs and the blond howled.
"Naruto is just talking crap. Ignore him", he said and looked pleadingly at the uneasy Shikamaru (who was by now thinking that it was the most fucked up and weirdest situation he had ever been in).
Shikamaru stared at this un-sasuke-ish Sasuke and then he stared at Naruto and then he thought there was no way out. He sighed. "Ok, then. Sasuke by far".
Apparently completely forgetting what they were talking about, Sasuke started looking really smug and shooting superior glances at Naruto, who was looking extremely edgy and disappointed, his shoulders slumped and eyes narrowed. He looked like he could tackle Sasuke any second now and give his girly ass a proper beating.
Shikamaru thought that the two of them had apparently gone insane, so he tried to leave the crime scene in silence and just forget everything. The situation would probably induce lots of disturbing nightmares in the future and he couldn't shake the image of Uchiha Sasuke with breasts off his mind.
"Shikamaru! You have a terrible taste in women!!" Naruto yelled bitterly after him.
Sasuke had given up and resignedly sighed that he would wear the damn dress. He had said stingily that at least it would prove that he was a true shinobi who took his profession seriously and was ready to shake the boundaries and go to the limits during missions.
Naruto had leered to him that he would rather be a slapdash shinobi than ever wear a dress, but if Sasuke wanted to prove something with it he would not disagree.
The next step was to find a dress. Sasuke absolutely refused to go and buy a dress himself because he still had image to maintain and it would totally kill his street-credibility. And he kind of hoped he would get away with no one knowing about the humiliating mission. So the boys turned to the one person they could trust their life in. And who wasn't known as a passionate gossipmonger.
Evidently Haruno Sakura had to laugh her ass off before giving the boys a helping hand.
03:15 pm. Konoha. Sakura's place.
Sakura couldn't help but chuckle in self-satisfaction after Sasuke and Naruto had appeared at her doorstep, Sasuke blushing furiously and Naruto explaining with a wide grin that Sasuke needed a dress. First Sakura thought that they were pulling a stupid prank, but seeing Sasuke so utterly humiliated she knew that they were being serious.
So she had to laugh a bit. Mostly because seeing the great Uchiha Sasuke all humble really tickled her nearly inexistent nerve of vengeance: the boy had practically treated her like dirt during their whole time as team mates, never considering her feelings or being at least compassionate. In time Sakura had gotten over her naive puppy love for Sasuke and though she didn't have revengefulness in her, she felt pretty darned good seeing Sasuke suffer. Ha ha ha, having to wear a dress and pretend to be Naruto's girlfriend was justice.
And Inner Sakura was boogieing like no tomorrow.
She was also glad she had broken her leg on her previous mission and therefore gotten a sick leave until further notice. She was quite sure she would be the one having to accompany either Naruto or Sasuke on the mission if it wasn't for her leg. Little did she know.
After Sakura had gotten over the hysterical laughter-seizure she guided Naruto and Sasuke into her room with the promise of seeing what she could do.
She could do a lot. Much to her and Naruto's delight and Sasuke's dismay. After going through her wardrobe she brought up a full length sleeveless dark red Asian silk dress with embroidered roses in it. Sakura wasn't too fond of the dress (because it was a tad bit too large for her) and which she had worn only once before: in her Chuunin promotion party.
Sasuke looked like he was considering of committing seppuku and tried not to look at the dress.
"What a coincidence that we're nearly the same size", Sakura smiled charmingly.
Naruto was howling with laughter.
04:02 pm. Konoha. Sakura's place.
Sasuke's blush nor Naruto's amused leer hadn't worn off during their whole stay in the Haruno residence. Inner Sakura was about to die from the ecstasy caused by sheer malicious delight, so she tried to make it quick.
Sasuke was squirming in the dress and looking disturbingly girly.
"You're lacking the chest", Naruto remarked from the bookshelf where he was looking through Sakura's excessive collection of shinobi-related literature. Not that he could understood even a word from half of the books, but he tried to look smart. And he tried not to look at Sasuke because he had already realized that if he did, it would result in staring and he wasn't going to stare at a guy. No matter how sexy a dress he was wearing.
Naruto tried to straighten his mind by thinking about Sakura in the same dress.
"Not for long", Sakura said and found a pair of old socks from her wardrobe.
"Oh hell no", Sasuke blurted out. "This dress is enough".
Sakura shook her head and sighed. "Wearing a dress doesn't make you a woman. Femininity comes from the inside. You need makeup and your hair needs fixing and you need shoes... here's a bra, I think B will be just fine."
"Make it a C", Naruto remarked from the bookshelf.
Sakura and Sasuke told him, in unison, to shut the fuck up. Sasuke's humiliation limit was slowly closing in and Sakura being all serious and dedicated didn't help at all. And standing in front of the mirror he could see that he had way too broad shoulders for the dress and was actually looking like a complete dimwit. He groaned.
Suddenly Sakura cried out, realizing something. "Naruto! You can't go to a dinner party looking like that! Especially when the invitation says there's a dresscode!"
Naruto's head bounced up. He had been absorbed by a random comic book he had found from Sakura's bookshelf and was now staring at the girl, wearing a surprised expression.
Sakura grunted something and darted out of the room. Sasuke and Naruto were left in an uneasy, heavy silence.
"Nice dress", Naruto complimented.
"Sod off", Sasuke replied.
Sakura came back with a tux. "Here! It's my dad's old but should fit you fine!"
Naruto went pale and started protesting and Sasuke felt like the king of the world, finally being able to leer maliciously at his unfortunate to-be escort.
07:50 pm. Konoha. Hidden Cloud's ambassador's mansion, ballroom.
Everything had went fine, the delicious dinner was over ("nice little dinner party" was completely wrong a term to describe the ambassador's fancy gala. "Enormous festival dinner for a hundred people" was more like it) and Kurono Kiyoshi-san and his lovely companion were planning to sneak upstairs and complete the mission.
During the dinner Sasuke had had to kick Naruto a dozen times under the table because of his horrible table manners. Halfway through the dinner the hungry and noisy blond was already starting to draw attention and Sasuke almost broke his ankle, having to kick him continuously. And he didn't bother to be gentle or subtle.
His mouth was hurting from all the smiling.
And he was on the brink of massacring half of the guests because the looks he was receiving from them were driving him insane and making him feel nauseous. Considering that all of them were men. He was extremely infuriated and his smile was slowly turning into a grimace. And Naruto had apparently forgotten about the whole mission, chatting with other guests leisurely. And Sasuke had to be on his toes all the time, seeing that Naruto didn't go even close to the punch bowl or the waiters carrying trays filled with glasses of apparently very pricey red wine. And he had to repeatedly turn down dance offers from fat, balding old men.
By the time they were approached by the ambassador himself Sasuke was ready to dive into the punch bowl, get totally blasted and maybe show everyone that he was no damn girl. Show literally.
The ambassador was one of those fat, balding old men and had a young, beautiful wife who wore almost identical smile to the one Sasuke had been wearing all evening. First the ambassador shook hands with Naruto and Naruto was clever enough to remember to introduce himself as Kurono Kiyoshi, a young entrepreneur from Konoha business district.
Blowing their cover at this point would've result in Sasuke committing a suicide just because of the frustration and the trouble they had seen to complete the mission with flying colors.
The ambassador and Naruto talked about the dinner and weather and the political situation in Konoha (...Naruto gave surprisingly good answers although he probably had no idea whatsoever about Konoha's foreign policy or "infernal" tax system...) and then the ambassador noticed Sasuke standing meekly at Naruto's side.
"Oh, and who's this lovely lady?" the ambassador asked in a playful voice and was checking out Sasuke from head to toe. Sasuke wanted to strangle the old leech. The ambassador's wife was apparently planning to do the same, considering that her forced smile froze all over and turned painful.
Sasuke answered immediately "I'm his sister" and Naruto went with the presumed "She's my girlfriend".
The ambassador's confused stare was quite worthwhile and Sasuke panicked; their cover was now drifting on to the open. But Naruto rushed to mend the mistake and wrapped his arm around Sasuke's shoulders, smiling charmingly.
"Yes, ha ha, that's how much we appreciate our families here in Konoha", he said.
It was so absurd and so lame Sasuke wanted to scream, but ambassador's confused look turned into a good-humoredly amused one and he slapped his huge hand on Naruto's shoulder.
"Kurono-san, you are a funny guy!" he announced. Naruto was grinning dimwittedly as the ambassador shook his hand as a goodbye. "It was great meeting with you, I wish you and your ... well, have a pleasant evening. Please, enjoy the punch".
Kurono Kiyoshi and his sister/girlfriend stared after the ambassador and his wife until they were outside of hearing range and then they both relaxed.
"Thank heavens he was an idiot", Sasuke sighed. "No thanks to you."
"Hey, whoever told you you're my sister?! That's just unlikely!"
08:28 pm. Konoha. Hidden Cloud's ambassador's mansion, second floor.
"My feet are killing me", Sasuke scowled in the hallway, staggering on his high heels. "I'm gonna kill Sakura for giving me these infernal shoes... and remind me on the way back to slaughter couple of those pervert old leeches in passing."
Naruto had opened every door they had stumbled upon since they arrived to the second floor (getting there without being noticed had been hard as Tsunade had advised them not to use any genjutsu, given that the Anbu would sense it immediately and that'd be the end of the mission then) and was now peeking into another one. "Well, who could've known you are so hot in a dress. Half of the male population downstairs are probably gonna have really twisted wet dreams about you the following two weeks. Just another bathroom, how many of those these guys have in here?!"
"What?!" Sasuke screeched. "If we weren't in the middle of a mission I'd so kill you right now."
"For what? For telling you the truth, Sasuke-chan?" Naruto grinned cheekily at him and advanced to the next door, opening it. Sasuke scowled. Naruto was apparently enjoying the situation. Well, he had to admit that he'd probably be enjoying the situation if only he was the one wearing the tux. He didn't know anymore what unnatural force had made him agree to wear the dress.
"This looks like a study. Might be it", Naruto said, glanced all around him to be sure that no one was seeing and slipped into the room. Sasuke followed him and closed the door after him.
It was indeed a study. An enormous bookshelf was covering one of the walls and framed newspaper clippings – apparently about the achievements of the ambassador – were hanging on the other three walls. No windows, strangely enough. Maybe a security matter. The furniture – a large desk, huge armchairs and a chest of drawers - were ebony and the whole decor was mainly dark.
"Gloomy", Naruto said with a grimace and walked to the desk, opening one of the drawers and starting to go through its contents.
"Comfy", Sasuke said and started examining one of the newspaper clippings. Who knew, maybe they had to do a profile about the ambassador one day.
Naruto was searching the documents with such devotion he didn't apparently even notice that someone was now moving in the hallway. Footsteps.
"Someone's coming", Sasuke hissed. His good hearing was something he was proud of as a shinobi.
"Shit!" Naruto whispered and actually looked like he was thinking. Rusty cogwheels were turning slowly, slowly… then Naruto took a step in Sasuke's direction, nailed him against the wall and kissed him. On the lips.
The dress was apparently giving Sasuke some feminine vibes, because he slapped Naruto across his cheek instead of giving him a manly punch that would make the assaulter certainly lose a tooth or two. Naruto didn't see it coming and staggered backwards, his hand on his cheek and wailing under his breath.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Sasuke cried out, not bothering to whisper.
Naruto gave him an angry look.
"What the fuck do you think I'm doing?! Damn pervert! If we look like a damn couple making out those guys won't even look at us twice!" he snarled.
Sasuke had to admit that such absurdness made perfectly sense. And they might even avoid being asked questions about what Kurono Kiyoshi-san and his lovely sister/girlfriend were doing upstairs.
He stared at Naruto, figured that the boy wasn't enthusiastic about the idea (hence he felt relieved, and kind of stupid for even thinking something like that) and then heaved a deep sigh.
"Okay then, but if you overdo it, I will execute Chidori and puncture a damn hole in your face", he said and looked away.
Naruto took a step closer.
"Don't worry", Naruto grunted and put his hands hesitantly on Sasuke's shoulders, suddenly not knowing how to perform the dreadful deed of kissing his idiot rival. Though there wasn't much time to start thinking it over, the footsteps were determinately drawing closer in the hallway.
"That's not right", Sasuke said, grabbed Naruto's wrists and lowered his hands and placed them on his waist. Naruto raised his eyebrow and this time Sasuke really rolled his eyes. "It looks more natural, dimwit. And don't touch my tits, they get misshapen."
"I wouldn't dream of touching your damn tits, woman…", Naruto grunted, placed his lips on Sasuke's and pressed his body against the other boy. Right then the door opened and someone apparently had in mind coming in. However, he stopped in the doorway, stuttered an apology and backed away, closing the door.
Naruto and Sasuke stayed liplocked until the footsteps in the hallway died away and then Naruto drew away and both of them took a deep breath.
"It worked", Sasuke announced, unable to hide the wonder.
"Of course it worked", Naruto said self-righteously.
"Surprisingly enough", Sasuke sneered. "You kiss like a codfish. If it wasn't this dark he would've seen right through that pathetic excuse for a make out".
Fury blossomed in Naruto's eyes. "Like I would really go on a stuck-up bitch like you with everything I have!"
They stayed still for a while, listening if there was anyone coming. Sasuke was thinking their next step (searching the room, finding the damn documents and getting the hell out of there, respectively) but realized Naruto's hands were still on his waist. Much to his horror he blushed and started feeling extremely uneasy.
"Hey, idiot, watch your hands", he muttered.
"Yeah yeah, I just don't wanna rush to you from the other side of the friggin' room if someone's coming", Naruto answered vaguely, listening. If the boy had Nine Tails' hearing he would probably hear a fly walking on the ceiling.
"Oh, right", Sasuke mumbled, thinking where he should punch Naruto if his hands moved even an inch on his waist… and then Naruto kissed him again.
And this time it was nowhere near codfish. Much to his own dismay Sasuke had to admit that Naruto was an unnervingly good kisser when he put his mind to it. The blond's hands slipped behind Sasuke's back, travelled up all the way to his neck and pulled him as close as was possible. And his lips were soft, warm and confident, apparently full of will to show Sasuke that he was no goddamn codfish. Or seabass. Or salmon. Or any fish to that matter, but something with mindblowing kissing skills and tormenting talent in making one's knees go watery with that little sucking motion and nibbling… and oh god that tongue!
And before Sasuke even knew it, he had returned the kiss and opened his mouth for Naruto's curious tongue to plunge in. He was gonna show that damn nitwit he himself had some talent on that field too. He was going to prove he was no codfish either and so he wrapped his arms around Naruto's neck and shot his own tongue into the waiting inferno that was Naruto's mouth.
If anyone came into the room during that time Sasuke wouldn't have noticed.
When Naruto finally pulled away they were both flushed and rather exhausted.
"What was that?" Sasuke said, kind of short of breath.
"I thought someone was coming", Naruto answered, leering unnervingly.
"You thought…", Sasuke repeated.
"But that wasn't a codfish?"
"No, no codfish".
"I told you", Naruto leered, even more unnervingly. "Are you gonna Chidori me for overdoing it?"
"No", Sasuke replied.
"Good", Naruto answered, leaned closer and kissed Sasuke again. There weren't many thoughts crossing Sasuke's mind during these irrational events. He vaguely realized that it was probably the most fucked up shit he had ever been part of, but in the end he just couldn't care less. He had actually wanted to cuddle up with someone for a long time, but he could never do it with any girl of the village. Because if he did it with one, the other ones would go insane, slaughter the lucky bastard who had scored with Uchiha Sasuke-kun and then they'd never leave him alone until he'd been with every damn one of them. He wasn't exactly proud of the pack of blood-thirsty fangirls who came after him wherever he went, giggling and giving him oogly glances.
Sasuke thought bitterly that it wasn't probably any smarter to make out with his damn rival and the guy he had practically hated from the day one, but he was just too damn horny to give a flying fuck about it anymore.
In spite of this Sasuke's inner defence mechanisms started flashing red warning lights in his eyes when Naruto suddenly slid his leg between his thighs. Sasuke was halfway starting to moan in pleasure but realized in time that "this is bad!" and pushed Naruto away quite violently.
"Ok", he said, panting. "This is overdoing it".
"Aww", Naruto said, still leering (and Sasuke wanted to punch him for it). "You seem to be having so much fun".
Sasuke realized that the somewhat airy dress wasn't exactly made for hiding a massive hard on. Frenzied blushing didn't help anymore: now he wanted the earth to open up and swallow him irretrievably. He didn't put up with seeing Naruto stand a few feet away from him, leering unnervingly and having a spectacular view. Sasuke wanted to die from shame.
He wanted to scream "look at what you've done!" but it would've probably made Naruto crack up from hysterical laughter, so he decided to skip talking and just be silent and mortified like no tomorrow.
"We gotta do something, if someone comes now they'll have to be blind to actually consider you a girl".
"It's your fault", Sasuke muttered and was about to say "so you'll do something about it", but realized in time that it would probably lead into something he really wasn't hoping for. Instead he squeezed his eyes shut and hoped that it would shut him out from the cold and cruel outside world. His mind was really in the gutter, not even be able to come up with anything witty and clever to say.
"I can help you with that", Naruto said with a low voice (and if the situation was some other and not so tense, Sasuke would've laughed his ass off because of it) and took a step closer. Hence Sasuke backed against the wall and glared at Naruto furiously.
"Don't touch me!" he said.
Naruto shrugged and grinned like a bobcat. "Can I watch then?"
Sasuke groaned in shame and frustration. "No! Just… leave it." The situation's irrationality and ridiculousness was high above all common sense and Sasuke just wanted to screw the whole mission and go home. The people back in the hall would probably faint if he appeared there in his current state. He might even bet his safe and clean getaway on shock and he'd be back home before the Anbu regained their ability to move. And then he could do something to this whole… thing…
Damn Naruto and damn the remark about codfish!
Naruto didn't give up, though, despite of Sasuke's meek resistance. He cornered Sasuke, wearing this ridiculous knowing smirk and starting to roll Sasuke's dress' hem up.
"No, you dimwit idiot!" Sasuke snarled. "Don't even think a-ahhh…"
The dress was rolled up neatly on his waist and Naruto's horribly cold hand was now in his underwear and around his length.
"Don't worry, I've done this before", Naruto whispered.
"Oh god! Don't talk!" Sasuke cried out, squeezing his eyes shut. Naruto considered this as an approval and started moving his hand. Sasuke bit deep into his lip to keep all noise deep inside. He couldn't help a whimper, though.
It could've been more terrible. Pleasure dashed as a thousands of sizzling stars inside his whole blazing body.
Sasuke clung onto Naruto's shoulder and came into his hand with a shudder, whimpering and fighting back moans. Naruto was smart enough to stay still for a second, to let Sasuke catch his breath and channel his strength back to his feet to be able to stand on his own. Then he kissed softly Sasuke's forehead (Sasuke wanted to scream his lungs out and punch Naruto) and reached out for a ridiculously well-timed box of Kleenex on the desk.
"You're gonna die if my dress has even a stain" Sasuke snarled, still a bit out of breath.
Naruto leered at him. "You're such a woman, Sasuke".
After performing such necessity as cleaning himself up and lowering his dress back to the way it was Sasuke joined Naruto to search for the documents, which were later on found from a massive pile of random papers located in the bookshelf.
Neatly in a big, brown envelope.
Sasuke and Naruto exited the study and walked down the hallway when Naruto heard someone coming, nailed Sasuke against the wall and kissed him again. Sasuke bit Naruto's tongue in protest. This time two random guests passed them by and other one of them muttered "get a room". Sasuke wanted to throw a ferocious fuuma shuriken after him. After they were gone Naruto broke the kiss and continued casually down the hallway, leaving Sasuke to adjust his breasts.
Downstairs grinning Naruto insisted on thanking the ambassador face to face of the great party. And that's what he did. He even got to tell couple of stupid jokes to maintain the image of him being "a funny guy" and Sasuke had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.
And as if Sasuke's evening hadn't been creepy enough, the cheeky ambassador even got a chance to pinch his butt.
That's when Sasuke (afraid a vein or two would pop inside his brain because of the stress and fury) grabbed Naruto's wrist firmly, smiled painfully at the ambassador, thanked him and dragged the protesting Naruto out of the mansion. When they were finally outside and considerably far away from the ambassador's elaborate residence, Sasuke punched Naruto straight in the face and managed to break the smug blond's nose.
The next day. 10:30 am. Konoha. Hokage's chambers.
Tsunade had insisted Sasuke and Naruto to report back to her and hand her the documents personally 10:30 sharp the next morning.
"You got into a fight?" Tsunade asked Naruto, after seeing his broken nose.
"He deserved it", Sasuke remarked and glared at Naruto.
Naruto was looking as innocent and clueless as possible.
"The mission was a success, yes?"
Sasuke nodded and handed the big brown envelope to Tsunade, who took it and placed it on her desk, not even bothering to see if it was the right one. She smirked. "It was Kakashi's idea, by the way. To give you two that particular mission".
Naruto and Sasuke stared and realized it in a flash.
"I'm gonna kill him", Naruto announced.
"Not if I kill him first", Sasuke corrected, sounding extremely annoyed. "And then I'll kill you."
"Me?! Why'd you wanna kill me?!"
"Why?! You're asking me why?! For violating my very being, that's why!"
The defiant Naruto watched as Sasuke was slowly blushing.
"Well, you weren't protesting back then!"
Sasuke blushed furiously. "I sure as hell was!"
Naruto knew he was one step ahead. "You sure as hell were not! You liked it!"
"I DID NOT!!"
Both of them were completely forgetting Tsunade's presence in the room. The fifth Hokage was watching the performance with great interest.
"Oh please, I bet my ass you'd want me to do it to you again! Right now!" Naruto leered at Sasuke, being so annoyingly self-confident and triumphant that Sasuke wanted to scream and hack his smug face into a bloody pulp. Or maybe drive Chidori right through his stomach.
"I bet you don't have the guts to do it!" Sasuke dared him, not quite sure was he doing it because he was sure that Naruto would do it or just to annoy him because he sure as hell wouldn't dare to kiss him again.
Without further ado Naruto lunged at the black-haired boy and kissed him straight on the lips. He wrapped his arms around Sasuke, pulled the boy close to him and kissed him with tongue, just for the heck of it. And just to annoy him even more. Naruto was feeling like a winner, thrusting his tongue into Sasuke's mouth and feeling as the other boy slowly gave into the kiss. He even groped Sasuke's butt, just as a subtle reminder.
The widened eyes of the honoured fifth Hokage nearly rolled out of their sockets.
Finally Sasuke pushed Naruto away, breathing heavily and looking flushed. He had apparently gotten hold of himself. He had also spent quite a nice while hammering a certain fact into his head. The fact that Naruto was his rival, complete dimwit and a guy for crying out loud. And he hadn't enjoyed the handjob last night. No way, no.
Naruto felt even more triumphant now, knowing he would get the last word this time. And just because Sasuke had returned the kiss before starting to hesitate. Naruto's gleeful leer had become horribly self-indulgent.
"Oh god I hate you!" Sasuke snarled and bit his lower lip, still tasting the other boy in his mouth.
"Yeah, that's exactly the impression I got just now".
"Shut up!" Sasuke cried out. Usually he would've been surprised that Naruto had said something sarcastic, but this time he didn't even notice.
"Want to shut me up? You oughta know how…"
Sasuke buried his face in his hands and muttered something, looking like he might burst into tears any second now.
That was when Tsunade subtly reminded the two boys of her unyielding existence with a loud, attention-drawing cough. The both of them gave a yelp and jumped two feet in the air from surprise and shock. Then they just stared at Tsunade, blushing like no tomorrow and looking like two ripe tomatoes.
"Well", Tsunade said and folded her arms across her large chest. "I'm glad you've found each other, but would you mind exiting my chambers before leaping head on into the embracing arms of lust? You are dismissed, by the way."
By the time Naruto had already reverted back to the self-conscious leer and he nodded and started leaving the room, hesitantly followed by Sasuke.
"Hey Sasuke, you wanna hold my hand?" Naruto asked playfully before they were outside.
"Not in a lifetime", Sasuke grunted back.
"Your place or my place?"
"Just give it a rest, Naruto!" Sasuke howled in answer.
"C'mon, I know you want it. I'd even let you be on top".
"Tell me you didn't have this in mind when you wanted to give those two that mission", Tsunade remarked after the boys were gone.
"Actually no, nothing like that", Kakashi answered, stepping out of the shadows. "But it's very interesting nevertheless".
"Who would've known", Tsunade said, smiling. "Though I did see it coming from miles away the first time I laid my eyes on that Uchiha-kid."
"Tell me about it!"