Title: I love you.
Date: September 14th 2003.
Edited: April 29th, 2005
Disclaimer: Hiroyuki Takei owns Shaman King. The song "I love you," belongs to Sarah McLain.
A/N: Originally a songfic. With the new regulations imposed by I had to remove the lyrics of the song, you can find it in my fanworks journal (link on my profile) if you ever want to read it with the complete lyrics from Sarah Mclahan.
"I love you" :
I smile sheepishly to the road... once again I took a little detour from my usual path, that's why I'm out so late. You're gonna get mad... This afternoon, you ordered... er, asked me to go grocery shopping. I whined of course, but not because I don't like going but because it has actually become a routine. You order, I pout, you smile softly but crack your knuckles ready to slap me, and then I hurry before you do, satisfied with the smile. Oh, yeah, you are pretty authoritative and have a very strong will, I think that is what I love the most about you.
But also, I love you when you don't have so many barriers working on yourself. You see, you usually are very cold with me, which I have come to get used to, but there are these short periods of time when you let your defenses low... and show yourself a little weaker to me... Well, that's what you think, that you are weak, but you look even stronger to me when you do so. I cherish those moments greatly, because those have been the few moments I can get closer to you.
Yes, I guess that by now, everyone knows that I am the lazy Yoh Asakura, and that you are my fiancée, Anna Kyouyama, the Ice Queen.
And yes, I love you.
I keep walking, nearing the bridge that goes above the stream a few yards away from our house. I am humming softly the tune that I hear with my headphones. Ah, Bob is the best singer ever! Hehe, I am enjoying the brand new, just out of the oven, cd I bought with my allowance. You say it's a waste of money, but I know you've got a couple cd's too... so we are even right? Just because I have the whole collection, it doesn't mean I wasted my money... hehe. I am almost near the bridge when I see a small figure resting on the banister...
It's you, lil' Anna.
Hehe, I might not see lights next day if you ever hear me calling you like that. I smile widely, you are waiting for me, no one else. And this is another thing that I enjoy the most in life, knowing the fact that you will always be there when I come back, knowing that you care for me, even with your own small ways of showing it. I guess, I must look really, really stupid with that smile of mine, covering all my face, shining in my eyes.
But I can't help it, you are so beautiful to me.
The street lamps flicker... they are finally turned on because the night's become too dark. The moon is barely a quarter of its magnificent size and the stars begin to appear slowly in the sky. I look up at the heaven quickly to thank the gods that you are here. I observe you closely, studying each part of you, everything about you. Simply fascinated. I feel drowned in your powerful presence, amazed in the many ways you have control over me.
You are really beautiful, maybe not to everyone else's standards, but to me, you are just the most wonderful flower in the garden. And meanwhile, you look at me in return, frowning lightly, almost glaring. Surely you have waited for a long time, I realize all of a sudden. But then, when I am with you, nothing matters anymore. It never has. And the world disappears in a black twirl, leaving just the two of us behind.
And it's just you and me, left alone, with no one to bother us in this moment. I look at your hazel eyes... they hold so many emotions I can't describe... I can't decide which is more overwhelming. I am sure you are debating with yourself in whether letting me or speaking yourself first. Guessing it would rather be better if I spoke, I try to think on a good excuse for being this late.
"Uh, hi, Anna?" I am uncertain, my voice a little low.
You start radiating in anger. "Hi, Anna? That's all you've got to say!" you mutter murderously.
A nervous laugh. Uh-oh, I'm in trouble.
I feel a pang in my chest as I realize that the distance between us is getting larger and larger, even though we remain in our spots. Aha, I've got an idea. I walk over to you slowly and drop the grocery bags in either side of me, resting them softly as not to break any glass container. God, even now I care about that! But well, if you get mad now, I won't get any further from where I am.
You look at me curious, trying to understand what the heck I am doing, I am trying to understand too. Believe me. I'm really trying to understand. I slip my arms around you, starling you, nonetheless. I pull you closer to me and burry my head in your shoulder, smelling the light perfume, that you use a very few times.
"Hi, Anna." I mumble ever so softly.
You tremble slightly, but I don't really care. I am holding you, I am supporting you. I'll make sure you won't fall. No, because I'm not letting you go.
Your arms reach for me hesitantly and find their way around my neck, hugging me back. Your embrace is so warm. Ah, let me get closer, let that barrier between us to break down. 'Cause I've waited too long to tell you what I feel. 'Cause I've waited too long to reach the shore of the sea between us, to reach the end of this border that keeps us apart.
"Yoh," you whisper my name and I feel a sudden rush of adrenaline all over my body.
"Anna... I... I..."
But I am out of words and keep on stuttering. I am so damn nervous, I can't help it. I am holding you this close to me, clinging on you like a flower clinging on a cliff for dear life. And I can't help falling in love with you all over again.
"I... I am sorry, for being late." I slap myself mentally as I wasn't able to tell you what I've been hiding for so long.
"It's okay." Your voice is so soft that if not for our current position I wouldn't be able to hear you at all. You start to drop your arms around myself, indicating that I must release you too. And I have the urge not to let you go, never, but then again, I'll do whatever you want me to.
"Let's go home," you say when we are finally face to face. A small smile is forming on your lips. "I made dinner. And you don't want it to get cold do you?"
You scold me and yet, it seems like you are urging away the need to smile wider.
"Ok." I feel awfully stupid when you turn away and start walking in the path towards our house.
And I forgot to tell you that I love you... again.
The words escape my frozen lips every time they get the chance. I stand there, left alone with the bags as I observe your lithe figure disappear in the darkness of the night, the light footsteps becoming more and more inaudible. The clashing of the blue beads around your neck is singing rhythmically with my heartbeat. The music of my headphones is still playing softly, almost to the end of the song. One song that reminds me so much of you. I continue staring blankly in front of me but I don't move from my place, I can't even think what to do now.
I feel cold. Outside and inside.
I want to have your warmth surrounding me again, overwhelming every sense in my being. The night has proved to be even colder when you walked away, from my arms, from me. Then again, I couldn't do anything to stop you, I didn't even try. A tear escapes my eye, a tear not of sorrow, but of anger with everything, with myself. I wipe it away furiously.
Why? My mind is screaming loudly. Why can't I tell you? Anna, what have you done with me? You've made me fall in love with you so many times, you've made me lose my cool just by standing near me, you've made me lose control over my heart and soul. More than that, I've handed them to you since the first moment I saw you. Right then, when I stared at your eyes, even when I felt the fear getting hold of me. You've simply made a fool out of me.
And every time I've tried telling you that I love you, something happens. Like if every natural force in the planet is against me. But even if the chances that I get enough courage are little, I'll keep trying until I do so. I'll find it somewhere, the strength to stand in front of you and don't crumple down to the floor. I will find the strength to tell you that I need you with such desperation that I am near to losing my mind. That I don't need you to pretend you are strong, I'll be strong for the two of us. That I need you, nobody else.
I need just you, simply Anna.
But every time I hold you, I'm out of words. Too blessed by your presence, too happy to have you with me, too focused in nothing but you. But there isn't much I can't say, 'cause you know it all. Yet, I need to tell you, with my own lips, what's been trying to burst out of my chest. To show you that this feeling is for real, and to know that you feel just the same. I stand there getting lost in my own world of thoughts. Feeling utterly depressed with myself for letting you go. For letting you leave without telling you.
Me depressed? Well, that's something new, right?
I feel like crying... But you'll think I'm just whining anyway...
I'm so immerse in thinking about you that I don't hear the light footsteps returning, slowly approaching me. My head has been hanging down. I found my feet and sandals suddenly interesting. But then, I get sight of another pair of tapping feet and red sandals. I slowly raise my head to meet your face... your lovely, expecting face. And yet I am lost in your eyes, I don't show any sign of being on this planet, more like I'm spacing off to somewhere else very distant. You look at me confused but I just keep on scolding myself. It seems you don't like my new, gloomy attitude because you snap at me madly... walking off once more from me.
I suddenly wake up from my trance when I hear you calling me.
"YOH! Let's go!" your voice is demanding.
I turn to look at you, you are already standing a few meters away from me, tapping your foot impatiently. God, you do move too fast. You raise your hands to fold them.
"I am waiting," you say in a softer tone, seeming to notice the look on my face. I am lost in you once again.
I bend down to grab the bags again.
"In a minute..." I say, my voice sounding as lost as I am, then I stand up straightly, holding the bags in one hand, my grip on them getting tighter.
"Come on," your voice is now soft and full of understanding.
I sigh. The night is getting colder, we must hurry up. I walk up to you and take the offered hand. It's so small that my own fully covers it in a protective manner. I grin slightly and you smile back.
And I forgot to tell you... I love you.