An SNL double feature!

Yes this was inspired by my own fic 'Beldar's Fanfic'.

Warning: Mild Lime. Mostly because of The Lady's Man.

Hanz and Fraz's Ranma 1/2 fic of maximum pumpitude.

It was a beautiful day at the Tendo Dojo.

Yah, birdies were singing, it was a good temperature, ahh... there were many sit ups still to be done, and weights yet to be lifted.

Yah. One supreme girly man, named Ranma woke up and lifted his puny, skinny little body off of his sleeping mat with his flimsy weak little arms. His arms had very little fat content, so I guess they could not be called flabby.

Yah, but they are nothing but toothpicks compared to our own bulging pectorals.

Yah, dis is true.

Anyway, his bloated weak excuse for a father threw him out of the window in an impressive display of intestinal foritude.

Yah, for such a weak little girly man, he is strong to do that.

"Come on boy! It is time to train!" said his father.

"Come on Pop! It's too early for this crap," said Ranma, like the weakling that he is.

You know Hanz, I must say that his buttocks are quite firm for such a scrawny little weakling.

Yah, this is true. I wonder what type of exercises he does to keep those muscles so firm and tight?

Anyway, the puny weak little boy went outside and whined like the girly man he was as his father, bravely attempted to teach him the fundamentals of maximum pumpitude.

For such a flabby man, he certainly has a lot of love for his child to do things like that for him.

Yah, it is like when we were children, and our mother used to make us Steroid Crunchies for breakfast.

I must admit, at times I still pamper myself with Captain Crunch mixed in with my daily dose of Vitamin Pump.

Anyway, Ranma viciously beat his father for attempting to make him exercise. Such a weakling.

After this, the flabby young boy met his fiancee,Akane, in the hall.

Yah, tell them what he said. It is so funny.

In a moment Franz. He told her that her buttocks were not as tight as they could be.

"Ranma you jerk!" screamed Akane angrily. In a display of muscular fortitude, she promptly hit him through the roof.

The poor boy. He does not understand the value of finding a woman whos pectorals rival that of his own.

If only we could find a woman with buttocks that could bend steel bars the way ours can.

Oh! Tell them what happened next. I like this guy, he is the least flabby of them.

Very well Hanz. As Ranma landed he fell into the path of Ryoga Hibiki. The most muscular of the people he knew. I always liked this guy as well. He understands the importance of being able to crush huge rocks with your bare hands.

Yah. I think that that little girl would be much happier with him. I mean, he is a paragon of pumpitude. Sort of like us, but still tiny and puny in comparison.

Yah. I agree, but Japanese men have such small penises. How could any woman be happy with that?

I do not understand it either.

Ryoga flexed his massive pectorals and screamed with rage.

Oops, a naughty side effect!

Oh stop it Franz! You are so bad!

"Ranma! Prepare to die!"

Then some more stuff happened, but that weak little girly man, Ranma, just kept dancing and running away. Not taking a punch like a real man would.

Yah, such a weakling.

After Ryoga, who fought very bravely, and probably would have pounded the flabby form of his puny rival had he not gotten lost, left. Ranma started walking to school. After a short time a sweet little old lady splashed him with water.

Hanz?

Yah?

I just thought of something. Look! Ranma really is a girly man!

Oh! You are right Franz! I suppose we might as well stop then!

Yah! Not even we could pump up someone that girly.

Come, we shall do sit ups until dinner.

Sounds good. I want two pieces of celery with my protein shake though.

Very well, but it will cost you two carrot strips.

--Fic abruptly ends as the pair stop typing their conversation-
The Lady's Man's Ranma fanfic.

Ranma Saotome, one seriously Effed up dude. Walked down the street, the way he does things. He continued down this path until he came upon the seriously hot body of Shampoo.

"Ranma! You I love!" cried the girl in the throes of passion.

Here comes the part I don't understand. Ranma, rather than asking the hot slut back to his 'poray of pleasure' perhaps using a hot fish sandwich, or a glass of fine wine from the local Albertson's Grocer. runs away? What is up with that? I wish he was right here so he could say it with me. The tang is your friend, the tang is your friend.

Anyway, he manages to get away. And what would happen? Kodachi Kuno, dressed in nothing but a skinny leotard throws herself at him! Does he liken her behind to that of fine cuts of meat? Or perhaps even attempt to get his grove on right there in the street? After all, the ho ain't wearing much. No, the fool runs away again! He must have been seriously traumatized by a naked woman in his youth. Either that, or he's gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Hey, some dudes is just like that. All right? All right.

Anyway, dude gets away again, and finally makes it home. And who does he go home to? This bitchy little ho, who won't even accept the sweet loving of her man.

He rightfully points out her shortcomings, indicating that she is a tomboy. Den the bitch gets violent! Now, I am the Lady's Man, I have slept with the lowliest bus stop skank hos, to the high class, high brow, bus stop skank hos. Needless to say, that's a lot of women. I understand that a ho can sometimes get unruly. Sometimes, although it pains me to say it, you just got to slap the bitch.

Not Ranma, he allows the, admittedly fine piece of ass, beat him down. Come on now. What kind of man allows this? I ask you this. Are there not other fish in the ocean? Can you not pick out the best melons from the Chinese guy's fruit stand? Only if you ignore him when he yells at you, but you can. By the way, if you get the chance to sleep with his wife, I suggest you do. She does this thing with her tounge... Anyway, back to the story.

Anyway, this dude is lying on the ground, probably thinking of all the tang he passed up. Or maybe not. Come to think of it, he's probably gay. Yes, I think that's it. There's no other explanation. I don't hate gay people or nothin, but I ain't writing any stories about them. I'm sure you understand.

I'll leave you with this other short story that I wrote:

Oceans breeze across her hair, a radiant ring about her face. I slowly turn my face to hers, and kiss her ever so gently. She smiles at me, and I return that smile. Softly she whispers into my ear. I gently kiss her cheek and lean in to whisper in return. Gently I take her into my arms, and ask her if I can sex her up in the butt.

The End.

C&C to Carrotglace@juno.com

Before anyone writes to correct me. Hanz and Franz's names were omitted because they were narrating. It would have been confusing to point out who was saying what. Besides, with these two, does it really matter?