Feedback: (Yes!) firstname.lastname@example.org
Rating: PG-13 yaoi themes
Pairings: Hatori/Shigure, brief mentions of Ayame/Hatori
Summary: Hatori searches for a solution to his problems in the most logical way he can…
Spoilers: Not that I know of, really.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my sad, twisted scenario. As far as I know, anyway… *sweatdrop* I also would like to deny any responsibility for the actions of my muse.
Dedication: Gift fic for Anrui! It's incredibly late for Xmas, but hopefully she won't kill me too much. Merry late Xmas, An-chan!
A/N: Yes, yes, I suck at humor and should never, ever attempt it ever again, but this idea just came to me after I got bitched at by my uncle about my B in my psychobiology class. I personally, hate science with a vengeance, but I figured that there's got to be a practical use for it. This seemed pretty practical to me XD. The usual apologies for OOCness, stupidity, lameness, etc. But I have to admit, this one was kinda fun to do. Heheh.
Distribution: Anrui's gift, I guess I'll have to ask her. :P
The first time Hatori kissed Shigure, it was purely scientific.
His hands had both been full and the other man had been verbally assaulting him with a barrage of various inanities which he didn't especially want to hear about.
Kissing him just seemed like the most logical way to shut him up. So Hatori tried it, experimentally.
Lo and behold, his hypothesis held and his methods worked.
Incredibly well, even.
To add, Shigure's momentary wide-eyed expression of surprise as his words were suddenly cut off had been a pleasant bonus to the sudden, blessed quiet.
Hatori Sohma liked things quiet. Peaceful. And his life was mostly that way, when certain dogs (or snakes) weren't around to bug him. Well, maybe that was saying too much, what with having to take care of Momiji and Akito most of the time. But it was certainly more peaceful when Shigure wasn't blabbering on constantly about whatever it was he blabbered about all of the time.
Hatori Sohma liked it when Shigure Sohma shut up.
Not to say that Ayame Sohma didn't talk also.
In fact, he was worse than Shigure.
But the thing about Ayame was…
Well. Let's just say that when Hatori attempted his kissing-to-shut-up theory on Ayame, he'd suddenly found himself thrown over the nearest horizontal surface with his pants mysteriously around his ankles, and Ayame behind him, still talking.
Except at an accelerated rate.
Hatori decided to classify the snake as one of those freak results scientific inquiries sometimes yielded, a deviant set of findings from the median curve, and discarded all of the data he'd collected from that particular failed experiment.
Anything that made Ayame talk more was too dangerous to pursue.
But it worked on Shigure, and that was important.
Mostly because Shigure called him a hell of a lot more than Ayame did.
At least Ayame could drive.
He had a license, and managed to stay in between the lines for most part. Though he had a tendency to weave back and forth a little bit in the lane.
The point was, Hatori saw a lot more of Shigure than he did of Ayame.
Which made shutting Shigure up imperative. Absolutely imperative.
And he now had a method. A proven one at that.
The second time he'd kissed Shigure, it had also worked. Though he'd had to put a little more effort into it because he didn't quite have the element of surprise working for him as he had the first time.
But he was okay with that.
The point of science was to push beyond pre-established boundaries, after all. And it had shut Shigure up. That was important.
Important because Hatori hadn't been particularly interested in what forms of mental torture the other man had decided to visit upon his editor as of late. So he'd simply grabbed the blabbering canine and kissed him mid-sentence, hard enough to show that he meant business. Shigure had bit him a little in response, to show that he didn't appreciate being likened to business, and things had gone on from there until the need for oxygen had forced Hatori to give up his careful study.
He was also pleased to note that the slightly increased stimulus had caused Shigure to be silent for a little while after its application as well.
That was an unexpected, but highly welcome, addition to his theory.
Bonus findings aside, let it be known that what was important about all of this was that it worked. It worked the first time, worked the second time, the third the fourth…and whatever number time it had been yesterday.
The number might be in the 20s, somewhere.
That in itself was causing some suspicion on Hatori's part, however.
In fact, the doctor was beginning to suspect just a tiny bit, that Shigure was deliberately talking more when he was around just so they could get to the shutting up part faster.
That was a new variable to work around.
Hatori hadn't thought that Shigure would know enough about scientific processes to realize that if he wanted to be kissed, he just had to talk a lot. If the dragon remembered correctly (and he knew he did), the dog had always whined about math and science all through high school and college, claiming that there was no real need for it in the real world and that if he wasn't going to remember anything he'd learned after a week, why bother learning it in the first place?
So, it was a bit surprising that Shigure had caught on to his methods so quickly.
But then again, Hatori remembered that Pavlov was famous for working with dogs. It must be a conditioned response of some sort. Well, maybe it was more operant conditioning than classical conditioning…
…but that wasn't the point.
The real point of all of this was…
…Hatori was stuck.
It seemed that the dragon's experiment had inadvertently (for some unknown reason) conditioned Shigure to talk at a pace that rivaled Ayame's natural level whenever Hatori was present. The doctor didn't know if he could deal with two of them at identical frequencies like that. It sounded dangerous even in the hypothetical stage of his mind.
He half expected glass to shatter if they were ever to speak in that manner in tandem.
And so, the doctor decided that the best thing would be to quickly think of another way to shut Shigure up. Apparently, occupying his mouth with activities other than talking only left the dog with a desire to speak more during the interim.
That wasn't good.
Deep in thought, Hatori mused that the next most logical step was to intensify the stimulus (which had already been proven effective in past occurrences) in hopes of completely deterring whatever convoluted thought trains were currently bulleting through Shigure's mind.
And in particularly bad situations, he needed to be able to apply this stimulus repeatedly without losing that level of intensity for long periods of time. Hopefully this would not only completely derail Shigure's speech capabilities, but exhaust him enough as to keep them subdued for time that would extend far beyond application of said stimulus.
Though it was hard to imagine a more potent speech retardant than shoving his tongue into the other man's mouth.
Sighing, Hatori leaned back in his chair, chewing thoughtfully on the end of one of his more expensive pens.
Quite the quandary he was in.
What could possibly be the next most logical action to undertake?
Deciding to be organized about this, he pulled off a sheet of prescription paper from the pad he especially used for Akito (maximum strength tranquilizers, 2 pills daily, take after meals) and began to write an organized list of requirements.
1. intensify stimulus
2. physically/mentally exhausting
3. easily applicable/maintainable on my part
4. Shuts Shigure up for long periods of time
It was probably unprofessional of him to have bolded the first part of number four, but really, that was where the emphasis of the procedure lay.
He tapped the end of his pen on the corner of his desk and wondered if all of this was some deliberate ploy to get something out of him on the dog's part.
Because from his list of goals, the next logical action to undertake was starting to look a lot like…
…well, you know.
He sweatdropped. Science was not a discipline that minced words. It was straightforward, blunt, and to the point. Bold and unafraid.
He took a breath.
The next most logical action to undertake was starting to look a lot like…
It wasn't like he had to explain it to anybody. And besides. That wasn't the point.
The doctor furrowed his brow.
The point was, now he had a theory.
And the next step was to…
…try the theory out in a carefully controlled experiment.
He frowned. That would mean…
Well, he didn't have to, really. That situation he'd found himself in with Ayame had certainly shut Hatori himself up, and he'd kept quiet for hours afterwards. Actually, Hatori remembered not wanting to speak (or walk) for a couple of days following. That in itself should be data enough to make his theory fact…
…except he'd cast aside all of that data.
And scientifically speaking, if were to decide to reinstate those previously disregarded findings that would mean…
Hatori decided to keep that data discarded, as it very well should remain.
Which meant that he still needed to perform the actual experiment before he could verify his hypothesis.
He sighed and stood up, dawning his jacket and pulling his car keys from the hook by the door as he headed out.
In the name of science.
Shigure Sohma smiled broadly and dotted his page with the last detail in good humor, silently commending himself for the super cute doodles he'd drawn for Mit-chan in lieu of sending her the outline for his next novel by deadline.
They were just such cute doodles, she'd have to understand why he simply hadn't been able to work on the outline when the artistic inspiration for them had struck.
Plus, he'd drawn her too. With a pretty dress and flowers, next to a cloud that smiled and a couple of really super cute squirrels in their super cute trees.
She'd absolutely have to love it.
It was just too cute!
He laughed and blew on the page to help the ink set faster. Once it had dried, he gently placed it in the manila envelope marked "Outline for Mit-Chan" and tied it shut before placing the appropriate stamps on it.
Just for kicks, he drew a really cute smiley face and a couple of hearts next to her name on the mailing address as well.
To hopefully, make her day a happy one!
Along with the rest of the doodles. Heehee.
Satisfied with his day's arduous labor (it was so hard to be an artist in this commerce driven world!), he stood and stretched, tucking the envelope under his arm as he headed for the mail box.
It had been a pretty good day so far today, the dog mused.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing. It was cool, but not cold.
Tohru had been her usual, cheerful self, and had made a nice lunch for everyone.
Yuki had gone off with Haru to help the ox study (that was so cute! Almost as cute as the doodles!) at the library.
And last of all (best of all), he'd poked his head in on a studying Kyou and scared the cat so badly he'd almost made another hole in the roof.
That had been really funny.
Really, who could complain about a day like that?
Though, maybe one thing could possibly make it even better.
Seeing an image of Mit-chan banging her head repeatedly on her desk and sobbing pop through his mind's eye, Shigure amended that there were maybe actually two things that could make today even better.
The other thing being…
His ears perked up at the familiar sounds of tires on the gravel driveway and he turned his head, grinning.
Well, well…wasn't that absolutely perfect, then?
He knew those doodles would bring him good luck! They were just so cute, how could they not?
Musing on how much luck they'd brought him, the dog wondered if it would be better not to send them (or anything else) to Mit-chan today. He should keep his lucky charms, after all!
Besides, it would probably be cruel to send her something on time for the first time, even if it wasn't what she wanted. She wouldn't be expecting that from him. The surprise might just kill her, and Shigure didn't want something so horrible to happen. He wasn't a cruel person like that!
Clutching the envelope at his chest, he decided that Mit-chan wouldn't mind at all if he didn't send her anything for at least another month. By then, the luck from the doodles would probably have worn out and…
"Ha-san!!" he exclaimed brightly, as Hatori parked and disembarked from the black Mercedes, looking grim.
Hatori nodded briefly at him, pocketing his keys.
"What brings you here today? Lovely weather, isn't it? Would you like to come in and have some tea? I like Chrysanthemum a lot lately because it's kind of sweet and not as bitter as the others, but Kyou likes Oolong so we have that too. We should go inside, it's slightly cold. But I like it because it's not too cold…" he blabbered cheerfully, taking Hatori's arm by the elbow and dragging him inside.
Out of his periphery, he saw the characteristic narrowing of the other man's eyes and smiled knowingly. Today had the makings of an absolutely perfect day.
"Ne, Ha-san, why are you scowling? It's a little bit scary…" Shigure pointed out, laughing into his sleeve.
Hatori's jaw stiffened marginally.
"Did Yuki forget to go for another one of his check-ups? Maaa… I'm sure he just got busy, Ha-san…don't look so cranky, ne? It's bad for you! Heehee. I always wanted to say that to a doctor…"
Hatori's eyebrow twitched a little bit as Shigure continued to talk. Scientifically, he was now one hundred percent sure that the dog did this on purpose.
Forgoing the detour into the dining area as Shigure was suggesting, Hatori decided to get straight to business and shrugged his elbow out of the other man's grasp, taking his hand in his own instead, and pulling him directly towards the bedroom.
~~~~~ Approximately 2 hours later~~~~~
Hatori scowled when Shigure's face appeared over his, obscuring his view of the ceiling and disrupting his mental calculations. Shigure was smirking at him. Smirking. He was tempted to pull the blankets over his head, but knew that would just give the dog fodder to start chattering again.
Instead, the dragon regarded his companion with a small glare, and after a while of looking into each others eyes, he mentally noted (rather sourly) that Shigure didn't need to have his mouth open to speak volumes.
However, scientifically speaking, the other man wasn't actually, physically saying anything. That had been the point, right?
Hatori glanced at the clock. And thus technically, his theory could be considered proven now.
Shigure hadn't said anything for the better part of two hours.
Hatori decided to disregard the things Shigure had managed to mutter during the course of the experiment as negligible in the face of his true goals. As well as the fact that those words had been contradictory to Shigure's usual speech patterns in that they had been strangely gratifying to Hatori's ears.
Hatori glanced at the clock and sighed, making a mental note upon hearing that voice. Let the record state that one hour of continuous, intensified stimulus had yielded approximately one hour of silence. Well, one hour, three minutes, and twenty eight seconds of silence, though rounded down it gave him a ratio of one to one in exchange for…
Shigure smirked and pillowed his head on the other man's shoulder. "If I start talking again…"
Hatori decided that the ratio his experiments had yielded were perfectly acceptable.
And as such…
…he quickly rolled over and proceeded to scientifically shut Shigure up.