Special thanks to Theresa Green for inspiration, encouragement and beta reading. Go blame her. Better yet, go read her stuff. All characters are the intellectual property of the Tolkein estate; all the standard disclaimers apply. I don't own Galadriel, I only wish I did.
Thank you for purchasing your new Lorienterprises GALADRIEL Lady of the Wood! Your GALADRIEL is virtually self-maintaining, and will provide almost unlimited enjoyment if you follow a few simple guidelines.
Name: Galadriel, Lady of Lothlorien
Type: Noldor Elf
Site of Manufacture: Valinor
Height: Variable; 176cm (normal operation) - 285cm (Power Overdrive mode)
Electrical Connection: Not necessary
Your new GALADRIEL unit is self-installing and has a self-contained uninterruptible power source. The unit comes packaged in a silver-grey elven cloak, which is optional during operation, and the following accessories:
Nenya™ Ring of Power
CELEBORN™ Elven Lord unit
Unpack and place the Mirror Pool in a location exposed to starlight for proper function. The Nenya™ Ring of Power comes fully assembled and installed on GALADRIEL and must not be removed to maintain normal function of the unit. The CELEBORN unit is not essential to any documented feature of GALADRIEL subsequent to production of CELEBRIAN (sold separately) and may be set aside or mounted in a suitably decorative location.
Your GALADRIEL is designed for surprisingly efficient operation through a variety of unique voice-actuated protocols. Functions are accessed by verbal requests in Quenya, Sindarin, Westron or Numenorian as well as a variety of languages commonly believed extinct. CAUTION: Do not phrase function calls as commands. Attempting to command your GALADRIEL may cause unpredictable results to the user including humiliation, injury or disappearance.
Your GALADRIEL's most unique function is her ability to create a variety of customized accessories, suitable for hundreds of uses in the home, garden, forest and battlefield. To access this function, simply explain to your GALADRIEL the nature of your quest. For improved performance, the quest should be desperately vital to all life and beauty in the world and have a very small chance of success. This function is often enhanced for users who have previously owned a GANDALF GREYHAME™ Wizard unit, but are no longer in possession of it.
Your GALADRIEL's other functions are virtually unlimited, including:
Utility Lighting: Your GALADRIEL's radiant beauty will illuminate an area approximately 10 feet in diameter. This function engages automatically whenever all other hope is lost.
Meal Preparation: Your GALADRIEL will produce quantities of lembas bread when needed, pre-wrapped in handy leaf containers to keep fresh for up to ten months.
Child Care: With her beautiful singing voice and wealth of ancient knowledge, your GALADRIEL can provide countless hours of entertainment for children of all ages. Your GALADRIEL will also accommodate family and guests with food and lodging for a full month.
Home Security: Your GALADRIEL is equipped to perform security functions around the home, rendering most alarm and intruder detection systems obsolete. CAUTION: It is essential that the identity and mission of invited guests is programmed into your GALADRIEL unit in advance, and that your guests be introduced to your GALADRIEL as soon as they arrive in your home. Failure to follow this procedure may result in your guests never being seen outside again.
Divination: Upon proper installation of the Mirror Pool accessory in a starlit location, your GALADRIEL will provide visions of the future, which may under certain circumstances be allegorical or indirect. Lorienterprises makes no warranty, express or implied, regarding the present or future veracity of visions produced by the Mirror Pool. By breaking the shrink-wrap seal on the Mirror Pool, you agree to hold Lorienterprises harmless from any and all liability for damages resulting from acting upon visions produced by the Mirror Pool.
Gardening: While your GALADRIEL does not tend household plants herself, her blessing and/or use of her customized accessories will produce remarkable results in your own gardening efforts. Truly spectacular results can be achieved when your GALADRIEL is used to enhance the efforts of a SAMWISE model Hobbit.
Other Recreational Activities: Your GALADRIEL will quickly become an indispensable part of a variety of recreational activities, including boating, composing poetry and dueling with Rohirrim.
CAUTION: Use of your GALADRIEL in her full range of recreational activities is not recommended for persons involved in long-term, monogamous relationships unless both parties to the relationship participate in such activities. While your GALADRIEL may prove suitably flexible for such uses, improper handling may result in detrimental effects on the personal relationships of the user.
With normal use, your GALADRIEL should never need cleaning, remaining fresh and luminous under all conditions. However, if her surfaces come in contact with sticky substances, a sponge bath with warm water and floral scented soap may be used to remove residue. Alternatively, your GALADRIEL may be partially immersed for cleaning in the Fountain accessory, sold separately.
CAUTION: Never bathe your GALADRIEL in the Mirror Pool. Dangerously unpredictable function of the Mirror Pool may result.
With normal use, your GALADRIEL will be self-lubricating. Under heavy use conditions, apply a glycerin- or silicone- based lubricant to improve performance. Petroleum jelly is not recommended as a lubricant for your GALADRIEL, and may cause malfunctions in both the unit and the user.
Your GALADRIEL should never need recharging, as long as the Nenya Ring of Power accessory is intact. Failure of the Nenya due to destruction of the One Ring will result in diminishment of the unit and a tendency when moving to deviate in a westward direction. The unit will, however, remain GALADRIEL.
CAUTION: Prolonged exposure to a RINGBEARER unit may result in your GALADRIEL shifting into Power Overdrive mode, causing all other units to love her and despair. For your safety, your GALADRIEL is programmed to self-test and reset automatically after the unit is in Power Overdrive for 30 seconds. DISABLING THE RESET FUNCTION VOIDS THE WARRANTY ON YOUR GALADRIEL.
- GALADRIEL locks Catholics in your basement, cuts her hair and spurns proposals of marriage from foreigners
- You have received an ELIZABETH unit in error
- Return to Lorienterprises for immediate replacement
- GALADRIEL's mysterious smiles unnerve male viewers
- This is part of the normal beguiling function of your GALADRIEL
- Bask. Stand beguiled. Challenge any that disparage her beauty to single combat. NOTE: EOMER units should be approached with caution.
- GALADRIEL's cryptic advice makes sense when you add the words "in bed"
- Corrupted database in Elven Counsel function
- Activate self-test and reset by exposing GALADRIEL to RINGBEARER and waiting 30 seconds. If this solution fails, you may rent the unit to a fortune cookie factory to generate extra household income.
- GALADRIEL becomes insatiable
- Check for recall notices on CELEBRIAN units
- Stop complaining! But in the event that your GALADRIEL unit exhausts you, you may wish to activate your CELEBORN unit.
- GALADRIEL diminishes and all motion of the unit deviates westward
- Nenya failure due to destruction of One Ring
- Unfortunately, a failure of this type cannot be repaired. If your GALADRIEL is still under warranty, you may return her to the West for refund or replacement.
- GALADRIEL suddenly becomes 9 feet tall and scary
- Power Overdrive mode engaged. Likely cause is a RINGBEARER unit (or someone who looks like one) in the immediate vicinity.
- Self-test and reset will engage automatically in 30 seconds. Self-test and reset may be accelerated by staring with a terrified expression.
- GALADRIEL remains 9 feet tall and scary for more than 30 seconds
- Self-test failure
- Love her and despair