My Best Friend's Sister
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and entities belong to J.K. Rowling
A/N: This is femmeslash with some slash and het pairings (I didn't make everyone gay) so if you don't like don't read. R/R please with constructive criticism and No Flames!
Tags: Femmeslash, Alternate Universe, coming out, Angst, Narcissistic abuse, fluff, Head cannon
I'm a lesbian. The word seems so foreign and dirty. I'm not dirty. I don't know how this happened. I am supposed to like guys, like Harry or Ron! I know that its society's impossible moral expectations that are guilting me but it's so hard not to internalize it. I hardly know any other queer people. Another term I'm not sure how I feel about. Being different is just a part of who I am. There isn't anything dirty about loving another person. I'm in love with my best friend's sister she doesn't know it.
I'm still quite closeted. I told my parents a year ago, but they're the only ones who know. At first they were a bit uncomfortable with it, but they came to accept it eventually. Sure they're disappointed that they won't be having any grandchildren the 'natural' way, since I'm their only child, but I assured them there are other ways I can have children.
Coming out to my parents was fine, but to my friends is a whole other story. How will they react? Harry would more than likely understand, but I think Ron would see it as a joke or have his manhood take offense since he clearly has a thing for me. In fact, Ron could go ballistic with that temper of his that he might tell the whole school! I have to be careful who I tell. Why isn't there a book for this stuff? Ginny wouldn't mind me being lesbian... But maybe she would feel different if she found out I am in love with her. It is one thing to have a lesbian friend; it's another thing to have your female friend in love with you. I'm debating whether or not to reveal my deep feelings for her; I'm scared that she will freak out and abandon me.
I don't know why I'm being such a chicken on coming out. Gryffindor's are supposed to be brave. Heck the general population is 10% gay/lesbian and about another 10% of women are bisexual and 30% of men are bisexual so there has to be other students at Hogwarts that are somewhere on the spectrum. It is one thing to be in the spotlight for my academic achievements and for the adventures that Harry takes us along for. I'm the boy-who-lived's best friend, a prefect, and I have the best grades in my year. But to be the topic of Hogwarts gossip has never been a role I've felt comfortable in. It's hard enough with the prejudice I get from the Slytherins for being a Muggle-born. If they catch wind of my sexual orientation, I'm sure they would have a field day with it. I can already visualize the smirk on Malfoy's face. He'd be calling me a mud blood-dyke every chance he got. I can usually block out snide remarks, but one can only take so much before breaking down. But is keeping the secret going to hurt me more than the possible consequences?
Being who I am makes me an outsider. No one understands the loneliness of being gay. You can't flirt with a girl like you would with guys. If they're not grossed out it often goes right over their heads. Unfortunately there is a stereotype that if you're gay it makes you hypersexualized; even though there is no evidence to support this. Some girls would think so highly of themselves that they might accuse me of checking them out and I could be more socially shunned than I already am. I don't find all women attractive. I have standards and preferences just like the next person. Heterosexuals don't go fawning after everyone they see. It's sheer nonsense.
Luckily, most of the time you have a sixth sense in effect of telling who the gay ones are and even if people think you're wrong most of the time, you're usually not. I believe the proper term these days is 'gaydar'. Amusing term, yes? Though it's always easier to tell when it's someone you're not attracted to.
I study my ass off in school to keep my mind off of Ginny. Heck, I'll even go weeks into advance to distract myself. The pain of unrequited love is temporarily forgotten and hurts less. I dread/long to sleep anymore because Ginny haunts my dreams every night. They are usually good dreams, but I hate dwelling on them because I doubt they'll ever come true. Despite my efforts, my thoughts drift to her anyway, and I hate my mind for being so undisciplined.
I need help. I need to get this out so I don't have to bear this burden and lie anymore. The burden of this secret is so big to bear I wonder why I keep on living this pathetic excuse for a life that I have. People don't care about me. They come only for answers. They're not concerned about me. I'll always be a book to them. One you can pick up whenever you need it, and then leave it on the shelf for any period of time till it needs to be used again.
I hope that someday I can find someone. I want someone who can be by my side to help me survive the torment from the cruel people of this world. Someone who could make me feel special to help me become a better person. I wish that she would come along soon because I don't know how much more I can take on my own.
I guess will tell my friends soon. I'm sick and tired of hiding, so when summer is over I'm going to tell them the truth. Except for the part about my infatuation with Ginny, that is. I don't wish for anyone to know that right now. All right, I'm set and focused and I'm not going to put this off any longer.
How I wish that I could find someone! But I think that if I do, it will be a miracle. I believe that there are some people on this earth that are meant to walk alone in life and right now...
It feels as if I am one of them.