DISCLAIMER: Me no own, you no sue. Got it?

Diary of Draco

By Draco Malfoy

Wednesday 17 June

Parents woke me up at five in the morning. Said I had to clean my room. I said we had house-elves for that kind of thing.

Am now grounded for a month.

Note to self: Kill parents

Friday 19 June

Parents made up by buying me expensive presents. Am still not totally satisfied: one of the presents still had the "priced to clear" sticker on it.

Note to self: Don't kill parents. Blood is hard to clean off carpet.

Only just figured that out. Duh!

Saturday 20 June

Mother made waffles. Can tell she is sucking up. Wonder what kind of bad news she has this time. If Goyle has jammed his head in a door again.

Note to self: Get intelligent minions

Monday 21 June

Father did not come home tonight. Asked mother where he was. She sniffled and muttered something about "that damn sister of mine".

Father is an adulterer. Wonder if he is a paedophile as well?

Note to self: Sleep with door magically locked from now on.

Tuesday 22 June

Am depressed. Crabbe and Goyle expressing interest in each other. Pansy is becoming lesbian. Blaise is a trans. Father doesn't want to commit incest. Mother is.mother. Am lonely. Will probably die alone. Oh Crabbie, how could you forsake me?

Note to self: Commit suicide.

Wednesday 23 June

Have realised: Millicent is single! God loves me, me, ME!!!! Voldemort has been eyeing me strangely, too.

Note to self: how does one ask Voldie out?

Friday 25 June

Mother is behaving strangely. I asked her if I could help her, and she turned around and said: "Hop down to the chemist and get me some tampons, would you love?"

Mother is going insane. I fear for her life.

Note to self: what are tampons?


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Next chapter: Draco reveals all concerning love, life and strange sounds from his parents room.