Title: Conflicted Feelings

Author: Danielle Swinton

Genre: Angst / Drama

Rating: PG-13 to R (angst and philosophical stuff)

Archive: Sure!

Feedback: Please! Praise and constructive critics accepted!

Disclaimer: David and the Swintons were created by Brian W. Aldiss; Kubrick, Spielberg, Amblin Entertainment and DreamWorks own them; I just play with them.

Warning: Alternative Universe, crossover, some canned philosophy ahead.

Notes: Inspired in Richard Linklater's breathtaking movie "Waking Life" (in fact, this is a parody of the movie's trailer with some of my own stuff). You'll also find some quotes from "Lord of The Rings: Return of the King". It also reflects Chapters 25 & 26 of the Japanese anime series "Neon Genesis Evangelion" (remember when the boy -can't remember his name- was sitting in a chair, everybody accusing him, he was denying his feelings, and all that philosophical stuff? Well, the scenario is almost like that, without the chair. Just for orientation, so you won't feel lost) The movie quotes are in italic, and Monica's conscience's words are in bold and italic.

Summary: After leaving David, Monica shows the angst and guilt she feels for leaving him...

Chapter 1

There was a dim room, with black puffy walls; no sight of lights. A shadow moves impatiently around the room, wandering in its mysterious surroundings.

Hitting the walls, with no results, the shadow walks desperately to the middle of the room, looking for a ray of light, even a tiny spark. But there's no light around. It has never been...neither in the room nor in her actual life...

Monica Swinton lies down in the floor, her head between her arms, her body covered by a large white robe, her hands covering her pale face. The purple lines under her eyes shows she hasn't slept very much lately. But how could she sleep peacefully, with all the desperation, sadness, guilt and angst she had inside her heart? When and how would she find peace of mind? Suicidal thoughts surrounded her mind, as she covered her face with the large locks of her messy brown hair.

She sat down, curling her body like a ball, as if trying to hide herself from the world, or more specifically, from the black puffy walls that surround the dark room in the sanatorium. She covered her face, and closed her eyes, looking for the peaceful sleep she had been deprived of for so long, and it came, for a short time.

"G'night, Monica, sweet dreams" her mother used to tell her when she was a child.

But her dreams weren't what we would describe as sweet. Haunting images filled her seriously damaged brain; images of sadness, death, suicide. And a pair of deep, loving blue eyes stood out of that havoc space...

------------------------------------------------

"Monica Swinton, 30 years old" a man in a white robe said, watching her through a camera in his office "She arrived here 4 months ago"

"Poor lady" a red-haired nurse asked "What did you find in her, Dr. Richardson?"

"Serious schizophrenia, suicidal behaviour...she's really bad now" the doctor said, and looked away "Her husband was desperate; he couldn't bear with her since that happened"

"What happened?" she asked again.

"Remember the child robot that disappeared 4 months ago?"

"Yes...wait, you're not telling me that-"

"Indeed, she was David's mother, and she sent him away" the doctor said "Mr. Swinton told me she's been having nightmares since she dumped the kid"

"She must have felt really guilty" the nurse said, compassionately.

"She loved David very much, but now he's gone because of her, and that caused her guilt" he explained "At the beginning there were just some bad dreams, and then she started seeing David everywhere. One day, she tried to kill herself jumping through a window, and her second attempt was cutting her wrists. Her husband couldn't bear it anymore, so he brought her here"

"What about their other son...Martin?" she asked.

"He's with his relatives in Anaheim. The family is afraid she will become a danger for them" he said coldly, in a technical-like tone.

"I think she may become more a danger to herself than to anyone else" the nurse said worriedly, looking to the screen where they could see the obviously insane woman. The doctor shrugged doubtfully, and they turned off the screen.

------------------------------------------------

The pitch darkness in the room was suddenly invaded by a faded white light surrounding only the middle of the room, the small space occupied by the asleep woman.

She opened her eyes, still reluctant to come back from Morpheus's sleepy yet peaceful kingdom. As she sat down, curling her legs, she looked at the tiny figure in front of her...

"Do your remember me?"

"D-David?" she managed to speak when she saw the little boy in front of her, covered by a white light, wearing the same white outfit as when she first met him "How'd you find me? Are you here to take me with you?"

David smiled blankly, and a soft piano tune started to play in the room (A/N: Remember the tune played in the "Waking Life" trailer?), and stood in front of her.

"Oh, David..." she said "I'm so sorry for leaving you, for dumping you there, I'm such a bad mother...you're my son, even if-"

"Even if I wasn't real?" he asked angrily.

"What? No, David, that's not what I-" she tried to speak, but he abruptly interrupted her.

"C'mon, Mommy! Admit it at once! You left me because I wasn't like Martin" he said coldly, the anger welling into his once soft, innocent blue eyes; and he shouted at the top of his lungs "Because I WAS NOT REAL!!"

"No, no, no..." she said "You were real to me..."

"Real? How can you define what is real and what it's not?" he asked her "Is it something you can touch or see? Is it something you can feel?"

"I-I don't know..." she answered, confused.

"Well, it isn't any of those three. Real is something you just know that it is" he smiled, sadly "Like my love for you...but you didn't want to accept it"

"Of course I did! I loved you!" she yelled between gasps.

"Then why did you leave me? WHY?!" he sputtered.

"Oh, God...I...It was Henry, and Martin, and-"

"I know they didn't like me" he said in a softer tone, then he raised his voice "But you could still decide! You could make them respect your will! You're the only reason why I existed!"

"And that's why you're here?"

"No...I'm just a reflection" he said.

"A...reflection?" she asked, confused.

"I'm a reflection of the David you knew, the one who's in your mind...the only place where I will be from now" he said, sadly "But maybe I never left that place"

"What do you mean?" she asked, and David answered...

"That maybe I only exist in your mind...I'm just as real as anything else"

"Real? How do you know what's like to be real?"

"It depends on what you consider real...maybe Orgas think they're real because they can eat and cry, and all you as humans do" he said "But can a robot like me be considered real, to be seen as something real? Because I'm standing here, just as you are sitting in front of me"

"But you just said you were a-"

"There's a big mistake some humans do" David said "You don't believe in anything you can't see...you know, I would have done everything to become real for you...if only you had let me!"

"David, if only I hadn't left you..."

"But you can't change the past" he said "It's passed now...but sometimes, have you wondered what would have happened if you hadn't left me? Have you thought of how happy we could've been together?"

"Yes...every single day. And when I think of it, I feel so sad for not letting those things happen...one thought after other" she said, sobbing "It's like I'm walking in alternate universes"

"But they never were, and never will be...but why?" he asked, and he sputtered angrily "Because you left me, that's why!"

"I don't know...I'm so confused"

"Confused? That's a term we as robots can't understand" David looked blankly at her "You gave away your life's grace...I can not help you anymore" he added, and disappeared, with the light surrounding him, leaving a complete darkness in the room...or in her mind...

"David?! Where are you? I don't know what to do..." she cried, her head between her hands. And a soft, low voice spoke from inside her...

So, you're confused.

"Yes" Monica said.

Your heart and soul are full of guilt.

"Yes" she repeated.

And you could avoid that.

"How could I do that?"

Your heart knew the answer, but you didn't want to listen to it.

"If I had, I wouldn't have left David alone"

So, you threw him away.

"No...I just tried to-"

So, you threw him away, like a piece of trash, like a toy you didn't want anymore.

"No! I didn't mean to! I saved him from being destroyed!" she hollered.

But being destroyed by that company would have been more bearable for him than being rejected by his own mother.

"At least I gave him a chance!" Monica cried out. Her poorly functioning brain was digging out all the feelings she had hidden for so long.

A chance? For what? To feel the sadness of being rejected by you? To feel all that sorrow, to endure all that undeserved pain?

"But he would survive! He would have a chance to find another person to love"

But you're imprinted in his brain; you're the only one he can love.

"I know! If only things were different" she said, in a thin whisper.

You could make them different...if only you wanted to.

"I just...how could I?, there was Henry...and Martin...and-"

You're a different individual, you have your own decisions. But you took the wrong one.

"But if I had kept him, he would be destroyed. I couldn't handle that"

And you left him, completely alone, lacking of the love and care...that he never had.

"But it wasn't my fault!" she said.

Yes, it was. And now your mind is a chaos. Now you left him, and he will haunt you...forever.

"No...no!!" she cried out loudly, hitting her head with her hands.

There could have been a different ending for this. But this was your choice.

"I had no choice!"

You chose it to let it happen. Now bear with the consequences.

"WHY DID YOU COME HERE?! WHY? TO TORMENT ME?!" she yelled angrily, and the voice laughed.

You're already being tormented.

Monica Swinton closed her eyes, trying to hide the pitch darkness surrounding her, and David's face from her mind. But no matter how much she tried, he was still there, his blue eyes haunting her...

For her, that was the beginning...the beginning of a serious fight against her heart...against her feelings...if she ever remembered she had...her conflicted feelings...

**********************************

LITERARY EASTER EGGS:

* Morpheus's Kingdom: Please, don't be confused with Morpheus, the character of "Matrix"! As some of you may know, Morpheus is the Greek God of dreams and sleep. When I say "Morpheus sleepy kingdom", I'm saying that Monica WAS SLEEPING!

* "Waking Life" : A wonderful, thought-provoking movie by Richard Linklater. You can check out this movie at

, and in .

Check out the trailer here: , and if it doesn't work, try this one:

....You'll see where I took the music from!