DISCLAIMER 1 : Relic Hunter is the property of Fireworks Entertainment Inc. and Farrier Ltd., distributed by Paramount Domestic Television.

DISCLAIMER 2 : Stargate is the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No infringement on copyrights and trademarks is intended. All original material is copyrighted to the author.

NOTES : This was intended to be a stand-alone spoof; however, it kept nagging at me and has become a not so serious introduction to the more serious chapters that will follow.

And it looks like the Document Manager won't allow a solidus, hyphens, dashes or an ellipsis in the title or summary of a story :-(

Sometimes... It Don't Mean Jack.

'He can look after himself,' Daniel thought as he glanced back over his shoulder. Jack didn't usually shout his name. Not unless he'd done something wrong, or if he was in trouble, or...

"Yes, well," the English voice whined, "we did find them first, you know."

"But do you know what they are?" Daniel turned his attention back to Nigel. "Do you?" He knew he wasn't always very good at getting his point across. Still... "Do you understand their role? Their importance? Their significance?"


"Daniel?" Pause. "Daniel!" Pause. "DANIEL!" Pause. "Oh, fer crying out..." Crunch. "Now that..." Slap. "Hurt!" A strong hand went to a firm jaw. Colonel Jack O'Neill winced. His jaw would ache for a while, but the nails as she'd slapped him back-handed... those marks would show for a few days... and he would have some explaining to do.

"Lady!" Jack grimaced at his assailant who'd backed off slightly. "And I use the word..." Jack grinned. "Aw, heck, I use the word 'cos I don't bad-mouth in front of a lady. Especially the pretty ones." Jack ducked as the beautiful woman charged at him again. He laughed. "Bad language...? No. Fight...? All the time." Jack dodged her fist and aimed a punch just below the cute little nose... which suddenly wasn't there. "Shit, you're quick." The woman pulled a mean-looking knife from her calf-length boot. Jack followed the graceful, cat-like movement appreciatively. "And now you made me swear," Jack drawled, reaching for his own knife.


"Of course we do! What do you take us for?" Nigel protested. "We're not thieves or vandals, we're..." Nigel subsided at Daniel's serious look. They'd known each other once years before, back when Daniel still gave the occasional lecture to aspiring young archeologists and even... historians. "What, exactly, is its significance then? And what is it with you and that army chap?"

Daniel looked away awkwardly, covering his mouth as if to cover a lie. "I, um..." There wasn't a thing he was allowed to say. "Air force. He's a United States Air Force Colonel." Apart from automatically correcting the younger man.

"Oh! Top secret stuff? Can't divulge, eh?" Nigel nodded, tapped the side of his nose. "Hush-hush." He shouldn't be surprised; this sort of thing kind of happened all the time now.

But Doctor Jackson?

"So, ah, he really is a Colonel?" Nigel asked again, just to be sure. Daniel nodded. "And for the last..." Nigel counted on his fingers "five years you've been..." Nigel made a kind of flying motion with his hands, "with this Colonel?"

"Well, not exactly flying, no." Daniel admitted.

"But still, you're legit?" Nigel watched Daniel give his glasses a quick wipe. He had that serious look again. "Then, I think, we'd best catch up with your Colonel before he gets himself killed."


"Stalemate." Jack squeezed the word out through gritted teeth, trying to smile innocently. Her knife was at his throat, and he really didn't want to provoke her more. He glanced down, and pushed ever so gently. The tip of his knife poked through one or two layers of black gauze and not very heavy cloth until it touched flesh. Another inch or two, and it would be bye-bye spleen.

And Jack really didn't want to have to do that because if he was a betting man, which he was, he was betting himself that beneath that dark vest, which really didn't hide anything much at all, that underneath, those... that her skin would be as smooth as silk and twice as soft. And besides, her body was pressed tight against his, as she pressed him into the wall. And her heavy breathing had a minty freshness, her dark hair framed her face perfectly, her brown eyes had a gleam to them that...

His attention to her detail was distracted as two voices called out almost simultaneously, and he was hoping that he hadn't heard them right. Two shapes entered the periphery of his very restricted view. One of them had shouted out "Colonel", which he knew meant him. The other had called out "Professor", which definitely wasn't him, so that meant... Jack groaned as Daniel said, "It's okay, Jack, you can trust the Professor," just as the other newcomer said that he was safe, too. Slowly, the two of them separated and put their knives away.

"Daniel?" Jack said slowly. "Is there something you want to tell me?" His eyes never left the woman's. They stared at each other as they stood two yards apart. Jack fingered his jaw, before letting his hand slide down to his throat. The Professor pulled at the hem of her really quite thin tee, feeling for the wetness of blood.

Daniel and Nigel exchanged glances. "There's been a bit of a mix-up, I'm afraid," Nigel said, quietly. "We thought you were... Well, we didn't know, actually." Nigel chewed on his lip nervously as Jack glared. "It's not as if you're in uniform. Any old joker can say they're a colonel."

"Nigel." Daniel Jackson placed a warning hand on the young man's shoulder. "Don't antagonize him. Not now."

The Professor took all this in calmly. She knew through experience that everything would make sense in time. The man had fought, and come to think of it, he'd even acted like an officer. And despite his bluster there was a quiet, subtle kindness to his demeanor. He was tall and fit and strong, and now that she was actually looking at him, he really was quite handsome. The Professor shook her head to clear it, but it was still a wrench to force her gaze from the Colonel and turn to his bespectacled companion. "Daniel?" She caught Nigel's grinning nod. Things were indeed starting to make sense. "Daniel Jackson? The Doctor Jackson?"

Daniel half-smiled, thoroughly aware of his notoriety. All it did was make him look even more disarmingly attractive. "Ah, yes. That would be me," he said. He looked unconvinced at the out-stretched hand before extending his own. "Professor Fox," he smiled, "it's a, ah, pleasure to, ah, meet you."

"Oh, I assure you," Sydney Fox grinned, "If half of what Nigel has told me, and a fraction of what I've heard about you is true," Sydney shook his hand firmly, and much to his discomfort put her arm in his and began leading him away, "the pleasure will be all mine."

As they walked off, Jack stood there, hands on hips. "Shit," the Colonel said to himself. "I really should watch my bad mouth." Sydney was on her third question, and Jack's mind was on those pearly-white teeth behind full, darks lips, and her soft-as-peaches tongue...

Daniel smiled shyly as he answered. The young Nigel, flapping his arms uselessly, looking just as harmless as Daniel once had, trailed after them. "Well, waddaya know?" Jack said to no one in particular, but maybe just to remind himself. "The good guy always gets the girl, and sometimes..."