Lord of the Class
It's totally random, completely insane, and totally stupid! Who wouldn't want to read something like that? I wrote this all in one sitting, so there are probably some mistakes. Anyway, please enjoy!
This story is along the same lines as my other story, Substitute Teacher, but it involves different characters at a different school who have no knowledge of the previous Movie Character Becomes a Sub incident. Just so there's no confusion for those of you who've read the other story.
The bell rings shrilly, signaling that it's time to get moving to class. You wait until the two-minute warning bell sounds before trudging to first period. You barely make it to class on time, but since the teacher isn't there yet, it doesn't matter. The class is buzzing with conversation, and you add to it when you turn to your friend Alexandra. You begin discussing your latest obsession, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.
"I can't wait to see the Extended Edition on DVD! It should be totally awesome," you comment.
"I know! Last night I ordered the soundtrack off Amazon.Com. I paid thirty extra dollars for overnight delivery. It should be there as soon as I get home. So I can listen to Pippin sing whenever I want!" Alexandra gushes.
"You are soooooo lucky!" you exclaim.
"Lord of the Rings is the best movie ever," Alexandra sighs. "Plus, Aragorn is totally hot."
"No way. It's all about Legolas!" You argue.
"How can you say that? He looks like a girl. Aragorn is totally manly and totally hot!" Alexandra protests.
"But he's just a filthy human! He's doomed to die. Legolas will live forever!"
"Okay, whatever, think what you want. But I think we can both agree that the best character, by far, is Gollum!" Alexandra giggles.
"Oh, I know! He's so cool! But I like Sméagol better. Gollum's too evil," you comment.
Just then, the classroom door swings open and the principal of your school bustles in. She's an elderly lady who is hard of hearing and always forgets when she puts her pencil behind her ear or her glasses on her head.
"Good morning, class!" she greets in a voice like a crow.
"Good morning, Mrs. Radshaw," the class replies in a monotone.
"Eh, what was that? Oh, nevermind, I don't have time for that. I regret to inform you that your regular teacher is sick today. We had to scrounge around to find a substitute on such short notice, but one finally showed up and volunteered for the job. Class, I want you to say hello to Mr. Sméagol."
Your heart skips a beat. Could it be. . . ? Of course not! But then, from outside the class, a voice shrieks,
"Gollum! Our name is Gollum!"
"Oh, excuse me. Class, meet Mr. Gollum!" Mrs. Radshaw announces.
A small, very thin, creepy-looking creature crawls into the classroom, clad in nothing but a loincloth. The class lets out a gasp, a few people scream in fright. The creature surveys the class with large, orb-like eyes that have a somewhat predatory glint in them.
"Good morning, class," the creature says in a weird, hoarse voice.
"Good luck, Mr. Gollum. Class, I expect you to be on your best behavior." With that, Mrs. Radshaw leaves Gollum alone with the class.
"Now then, class, we thinks your teacher left us a lesson plan. Where is the preciousssssssss learning plan? Where is it? We wants it!" Gollum leaps onto the desk and rifles through the papers, sending things flying all over. Finally he grabs a certain piece of paper and leaps onto the floor again. "Here it is! We finally have it, Sméagol my love! We have the precioussssssssss!"
"Um, Mr. Gollum?" one student ventures. "That's not precious. It's just paper, with some ink on it."
Gollum looks crestfallen. "Ah, well, we needs it anyway. Today we are learning about Odysseus. He went on a great quest to find the precioussssssss, but two nasty little hobbitsses stole it from him! Stole it, they did, and he wants it back, but the nasty little hobbitsses kept it! Kept it they did!" Gollum let out a wail of despair. "We wants the precioussssssss! We needs it! But the nasty little hobitsses stole it! The stupid, fat hobbit never trusted me, but Master. . . Master believed in me! We almost had it!"
You tentatively raise your hand. "Um, Mr. Gollum? I don't think you have the same edition of 'The Odyssey' as we do. We're reading about how he went into the cave. . ."
"The cave! My cave, where the precioussssss was kept safe! But then that ugly hobbit came and ruined everything!" Gollum wailed again. Suddenly his eyes latch onto your hand. Upon your finger is a replica of the One Ring, a Christmas present from your parents. He shrieks and leaps at your hand, trying to gnaw the finger off.
You scream in fright and pain. That thing has some sharp teeth! One of the braver students takes off his shoe and beats Gollum over the head with it.
"Let go of her finger! Let go, I say!" he declares. Gollum leaps away, batting at the offending shoe with his hand.
"The PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!" he screams. "She stole it! Nasty little hobbit, she is!"
"I am not a hobbit!" you reply indignantly.
"You look like a hobbit!" Gollum retorts.
"You were not so very different from a hobbit once, were you. . . Sméagol?" you ask in a low murmur.
Gollum stares at you in surprise. "What did you call me?"
"That was your name once, wasn't it? They called you Sméagol."
"Sméagol. . . yes, Sméagol. They calls us that. Master calls us that. But Sméagol is weak! Gollum saved him!" Gollum hisses.
"This is one weird substitute teacher," the boy with the shoe mutters.
"Shut up, stupid, fat hobbit!" Gollum screams at him.
The boy, who happens to be quite tall and lanky, frowns at him. "You are one messed-up dude."
"Everyone sit down! We is the teacher, and we is going to teach you!" Gollum shrieks, jumping up on the desk again. Mostly out of fear, the class quiets down. The boy puts his shoe back on and resumes his seat, while you suck on your painful finger and glare at Gollum. He is so not the coolest character anymore!
"First we will learn how to catch and eat a fish! The right and proper way, not the stupid hobbit way! Wait here!" Gollum scampered out into the hallway and returns with a bunch of buckets filled with water. He passes one out to every student, and you see that the bucket also contains a live fish.
"Now put your hand over the water. Like this!" Gollum demonstrates with his own bucket. "Wait until the fish is close. . . then you strike!" In his excitement, Gollum knocks over the bucket. The fish is left flopping on the floor. Gollum pounces on it and holds it up by the gills. With a bloodthirsty battle cry of sorts, he rips into it with those teeth that were recently imbedded in your own flesh. Fish guts spill over his chest, loincloth, and the floor. Quite a few students puke.
"What's the matter, preciouses? You do not like fish?" Gollum asks questioningly.
"That's so disgusting!" "Ewww, gross!" "I feel sick!" Other students chime in as well, until Gollum bangs on the bucket for silence.
"Fine! We will teach you something else. I know! We will teach you how to kill nasty little hobbitsses who steal the precioussssss from you!" Gollum takes the buckets away and returns with rag dolls.
"These are not real hobbitsses, but they will have to do for now. Okay, everyone pretend that your hobbit has stolen the PRECIOUSSSSSSS from you. Grasp it around the neck, like so, and SQUEEZE! And SQUEEZE! And SQUEEZE! Until he stops wriggling and moving and DIES!" Gollum giggles manically. You exchange nervous glances with your fellow students, hoping Gollum doesn't suggest a live demonstration or anything.
"Then, once he is dead, you take the PRECIOUSSSSSSSS away from him! Nasty little Déagol did not deserve the ring! It was my birthday, after all! I wanted it! It was a present!" Gollum shrieked.
"Murderer." A student from the back of the room hisses. Gollum looks up.
"Murderer? No! Not Sméagol! Sméagol would never murder anyone!"
"Thief!" another student calls.
"No! Not a thief! It. . . it was a present!"
"Filthy animal!" someone else yells.
"No! No! Not listening!" Gollum puts his hands over his ears and shakes his head.
"Murderer! Thief! You killed Déagol!" shouts are coming from all over the classroom now.
"No! No! I didn't! Déagol did not deserve the PRECIOUSSSSSSS! I wanted it! It was my birthday! Déagol was a nasty, selfish, stupid boy!" Gollum shouted.
The door that connects to the classroom next door opened and the teacher poked his head in the room.
"What's goin' on over here?" he demands.
The class gasps when they notice who the teacher is. It was Samwise Gamgee, the Hobbit!
Gollum noticed him, too. He let out a shriek. "Fat, stupid, nasty hobbit! You took the PRECIOUSSSSSS!"
"YOU!" Sam shouts. "What are you doing here?"
"Teaching, of course! We loves to teach!" Gollum replies.
"That's it, you little stinker! I'm going to take care of you once and for all!" Sam runs straight at Gollum. The class he had been teaching crowds into your classroom and the two classes form a circle around the embattled creatures.
"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" you chant with your classmates. Gollum and Sam circle each other a few times, never breaking eye contact. Then Gollum leaps at Sam and tackles him to the ground. Sam quickly rolls and pins Gollum beneath him, trying to strangle him.
"What is going on in here? Everyone stop!" a new voice yells. The crowd parts and the King of Gondor walks in the room. You stare at him in awe, as do the rest of the students. Aragorn quickly pulls Gollum and Sam apart.
"Now, really! I would have expected better of you, Sam! You are a teacher! You should set an example for these students!" Aragorn scolded. Sam looked down, ashamed. Gollum snickered and rubbed his hands together in glee. Aragorn then turned his glare on Gollum.
"And you! You filthy creature! It is time you were taken care of once and for all!" he declared. Gollum cowered in fear. Aragorn grabbed him by the back of the neck and dragged him into the coat closet. There were a few loud bangs, a few shrieks from Gollum, a few coarse words from Aragorn, and then total silence. Aragorn emerges from the closet, wiping his hands. "Well, that's that, then. Class, return to your seats. Everyone, take your seats!"
Sam and his class go back to their classroom, while you and your classmates resume your seats, still reeling from the shock of all that has just happened.
"I'm sorry you had to witness that, class. But at least we don't have to deal with that nuisance anymore! But now you have no one to teach your class. . . hmm. . . what will we do about that?" Aragorn wonders, stroking his chin.
Just then, someone knocks on the door. Aragorn starts in surprise. His sword drawn, he carefully goes to the door and slowly pulls it open. Leaping into the doorway, he brandishes his sword and shouts, "Who goes?"
"Chill out, Aragorn! It is I, Gimli son of Gloin, and Legolas son of Thranduil! We come to fulfill this last great quest, this job, as some call it!" comes a familiar, gruff voice.
"This is all so weird. How did these Lord of the Rings characters end up in our high school?" Alexandra whispers to you as Legolas and Gimli walk in. Legolas looks straight at her.
"Young humans would do well to stay silent while others are speaking!" he scolds. She blushes, embarrassed.
"Sorry," she says sheepishly. "I forgot about that whole 'superior hearing' thing."
"Anyway. . ." Aragorn says. "Legolas, Gimli, thank you for accepting this duty. On behalf of Gondor, I thank you both. You shall be rewarded upon your return."
"Yeah, well, we better be," Gimli muttered. Legolas stepped on his foot to silence him.
"These students can be quite unpredictable. Always be on your watch. And Legolas. . . beware the fan girls!" With this final piece of advice, Aragorn left, closing the door securely behind him.
"Fan girls? What are fan girls?" Legolas wonders out loud.
About half the girls in the class, yourself included, rise from their seats. With identical lecherous grins on your faces, you all advance on Legolas, whose grip on the hilts of his twin knives tightens with every step you take.
"Do not be frightened, Legolas," one girl says soothingly.
"We will not hurt you. We could never hurt you," another assures him.
"No, of course not! We love you, Legolas! Why would we hurt you?"
"Stay back! Back, witches! I'm warning you! I know how to use these knives!" he yells. "Gimli! Help me!"
"Sorry, Leggy, but you're on your own for this one." Gimli turns to the rest of the class while the circle of fan girls encloses on Legolas. "Class, please open your books to page 296. Alexandra, please begin reading. . ."
Alexandra's reading is droned out by the final shriek of Legolas before he is tackled and locked into the broom closet, where the fan girls keep him as their slave for the remainder of the semester.
A/N: Yep, that's it. The insanity is over. So, what did you think? Let me know in a review! Thanks!