Title: Closer
Rating: PG-13 for adult references
Pairing: Spike and Buffy
Timeline: Season 6, sometime between "Smashed" and "Dead Things"
Summary: Buffy thinks about her relationship with Spike. Written in response to a songfic challenge at the LJ Community Church Of Spike--write a ficlet based on the song "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails. However, this is not a songfic. No lyrics posted. Find them yourself.
Disclaimer: All things Buffy belong to the Great And Powerful Joss. No copyright infringement is intended. I'll put the characters back where I got them when I'm done with them, I promise. The song "Closer," thankfully, doesn't belong to me either.

I came back wrong. Spike's right. Why else would I let him do those things to me?

But I feel so empty inside. And so overwhelmed. And when I'm with him, it's simple. There's the fight, and the fury, and the heat, and the desire. It's like there's nothing else in the world but us, and all the problems of life just float away.

They tore me out of Heaven, my friends did. I almost hate them for that. But I can't tell them how I really feel about it. It would destroy them. And that makes me...alone.

Except when I'm with him. Did I even come back with my soul? I can't feel it. And neither can his chip. But he--he doesn't care. He still loves me. Sure. I admit it, in the deep, dark recesses of my mind, never to be spoken aloud to anyone, anywhere. He loves me.

How insane is that? How can he love me, after everything I've done--everything I've said--to him? Stupid, stupid vampire. He doesn't care how much I hurt him. He always comes back for more. He lets me do whatever I want to him...and he doesn't care how it would look to outsiders; he doesn't care what others would think. He wears the bruises like a badge of honor.

I envy that freedom he has. I've lost so much; I couldn't stand to lose the regard of my friends on top of everything else. Xander--oh, God, I know exactly what he would say. Willow's kind of lost in her own world right now, but she wouldn't accept it either. Giles would absolutely hate me--he'd be so disappointed. Angel would just stake Spike. Tara would understand, but she understands everything and everyone. Anya wouldn't care; she'd just ask how many orgasms we've had. And Dawnie would probably squee and say it's about time. But four of the people who matter the most to me would be devastated. I can't do that to them.

How can something be so right and so wrong at the same time? How can the person--vampire--I hate most in the world...complete me? Why does he make me perfect? Why does he, of all peop--vampires--bring me closer to the God I lost when they ripped me out of Paradise?

Why him?

Is it because I don't have to hide around him? I don't have to pretend that everything's all right; I don't have to be smiley-chirpy-Buffy. I can be the real me, darkness and all--and he's okay with that. Who am I kidding? He revels in it. He understands it. Sometimes I think he encourages it. Not that he has to go far to do that. It's always close to the surface, especially when I'm with him.

Well. Whatever the reasons, I go to him. It's easier to do it than not. And following the path of least resistance is what I'm all about these days. Going at it like wild animals isn't necessarily the healthiest thing in the world--but it's the only thing that keeps me from jumping off another tower.

And I guess that's enough for now.