As I Watch

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Wish I did but I don't.

I don't expect him to understand right away. Not completely, anyway. He thinks he knows why now but he'll always wonder. It the one last thing I needed to do. None of them will ever really know how bad things were. Not just that whole crazy Lindsey/Spike thing. Not even the thing with that bitch, Eve. Angle was forgetting who he was. He was forgetting what he was there for. He was forgetting what it was like to help people, really help people. That's what I was sent there for. To remind him. Kicking the lawyer bastards ass was a really cool bonus though.

I hope he deals with this all ok. I still remember that last time Buffy died. He can't afford to go spend six months in a monastery brooding. And I know he's gonna brood. I'm just sorry I had to cause him pain. I just hope he remembers that at least I got to say good bye to him. That I got that one last kiss. I wasn't even really in love with Angel any more in the end. I don't think I ever was. I was in love with the idea of Angel. The great hero off to save the day, who cared more for others than for himself. Who was willing to do anything to protect the people he loved. He still thinks he's the only one that remembers the thing with Buffy, when he turned human, but then turned back time cause, if he wasn't a vampire he couldn't protect her. I know. I saw it when I was pulling my higher power gig. And it made me love him more. The idea that he would give up his one chance to be happy, to have the love of his life because to have it would mean he wouldn't be strong enough to help her. It had this whole Romeo/Juliet-ish, romantic thing. But I didn't love him, not really.

I'm always gonna wonder if any of them knew what I was when I came. Hell, even I don't know what I was. I wasn't a ghost. I had a corporeal body. But it wasn't my body. I think Wes had at least an idea. He never said anything but I saw it in his eyes. I looked to good. People who spend a year in a coma, mystical or standard, don't just wake up and look better than before. That little critter destroyed my body. I'm surprised I lasted that long. He knew how messed up I was. The powers told me I should avoid spending time with people I thought might know. That's why I avoided Lorne. He could have gotten a clue far too easily. But I needed to be with Wes. I need to do the research thing one more time. I needed to apologize for Lilah. He can be strong for Angel now.

It's actually not so bad being dead now. I wish I could tell them that. I'm a higher power again. And I'm ready for it now. I'm not bored with it and I get to watch over them. I get to make sure they don't get into too much trouble. I see so much now. There are just so many thing I wish I could tell them. I wish I could tell Spike that he was wrong. He said he didn't have a destiny. He does and it is great and heroic and brave. It's just not in the way Angel is heroic, its in his weird, messed up, bad-ass way. I want to tell Gunn to stop grasping at a purpose. No he wasn't ment to be the grunt, but he needs to think whether or not he was really ment to be the demon lawyer. Once he stops trying to be everything he'll find his place. I would tell Wes and Fred the same thing. Get the hell out of your lab/library. They miss so much of life when they lock themselves away. Finally Angel. There are so many things I wish I could tell him. I want him to know that he is a person, a real, honest-to-God person. I wish I could let him know that in the end all this is worth it. All the pain and trial and hard work. In the end, it will all pay off. I've seen it, I know. I want him to know that he was right. We just weren't destined to meet that night. And in the end it will be for the best. I've seen who he ends up with and I think they'll be the only ones shocked by it.

I need to go back to watching him now. He finally got the picture. He remembers who he is and what he's needs to do. This is the way things need to be. I know that now. Everything that has happened, everything in my life. Right from the day I met Buffy in the halls of old Sunnyhell High. It all led to this. I was ment to become this. And I'm finally happy.


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