I Finally See

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

A/N: Angel thinking about Cordelia. References to Buffy and co. and events from early A:TS and 2nd/3rd season of B:TVS.


I see now. It took me a long time but I see why she came back. It was more than to say good-bye. More than to see us all one last time. More than for one kiss. She saved us. She came back, they sent her back to save us. Not just me, all of us. We had all forgotten so many things, this place had made us forget so many things. We even forgot why we came to it. What we wanted to do coming here. What a marvelous and dangerous tool we have in our hands.

I think I'm even starting to get why she had to die. She wasn't meant for this world. She was too good for it. We were both right when we talked. There are no other people in the world like us, but we weren't destined to be together either. I'm a monster. She was an angel, literally. I may have a soul now but I have done things that would make the devil cringe, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Evil was an art for me for so long. She saw me at my worst, in Sunnydale after…with Buffy. She saw what joy I took in torturing others. When I came back after Acathla she was one of the first ones to say kill him. Buffy told me. But I deserved it. I still think I do sometimes. And she still forgave me later. Came to work for me. Became my best friend.

I wish I could repay her for everything she did for me all those years. I wish I could have saved her in the end. I wish… My life is filled with wishes. Things I wish I could have done. My multitude of regrets. She isn't the least of them. Or the greatest. With Cordy, most of all, I wish I had told her how I felt about her. How much she meant to me. And that she was one hell of a kisser. I'll always wonder if there could have been anything between us. If we had met that night. I think there could have been. Maybe. But it wouldn't have lasted. It would have been beautiful and wonderful and perfect. But I would have ended far too soon. I did love her. More than a lot of things. More than a lot of people. I still dream of her. But in my dreams she always becomes someone different. Black hair becomes blonde, brown eyes blue. I love Cordy, I always will. But She will always be my addiction. Even if she never trusts me again. Even if she kills me again. Banishes me to the depths of hell again. I will always end up dreaming of her. And I hate myself for it.

I think Wes knew it wasn't really you. He just couldn't put it into words. He won't talk about it now. He steadfastly refuses. Fred goes about in a daze. She's like a shell. Lorne…Lorne is Lorne, always trying to be cheerful and happy but even that wears thin at time and we see the pain beneath. Gunn has thrown himself into work. I don't think he knows how to deal with heavy emotions. Or he just doesn't want to. Spike is still a jackass. Just less of one these days. To everyone else, not to me. But I think I need that sometimes. That smirk staring down at me when I fall, with the perfect sarcastic comment. It makes me get up, and go again, if for nothing else than to show him up.

Your funeral was small. Just us. We invited Buffy, Willow and Xander. They didn't show. Will and Xander sent flowers. I wonder if Buffy thinks I killed you to get this gig. She would think that about me. It was nice though, your funeral. If funerals ever can be nice. Quiet, simple, elegant. The way you would have wanted. It's weird sitting here, looking at your tombstone. I never thought I would ever have to look at it. I always figured if something happened to you, I would already be dust. That's the worst thing about living forever. All the people you care for die and you're stuck watching it. It really hits home now sitting here. One day all that will be left of our little group will be me and Spike. I suppose as a positive there won't be anyone around to stop me from killing Spike. I know you're sitting on you're cloud yelling at me for even thinking that. But… its just so hard. What am I gonna do without you. Even when you were asleep there was hope. You could have woken up. We could have found something to help. Now… Now there's nothing. But even in the nothing…I finally see.


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