Authors notes: One of the funniest ideas I have (I think) in which Picard goes absolutely insane on the Enterprise! It's crazy! Read and enjoy.

The day Picard
went absolutely INSANE!

Written By: Q

(It is a normal day on the enterprise. There was nothing much out of the ordinary. Everybody was stirring in their quarters as the day started to unfold. Little did everybody know that this was going to be the craziest day they'd ever encounter. So crazy it would make you say , "Woah! That's crazy!")

(Picard was in his quarters and suddenly the mirror caught his gaze. He stared at himself a few moments and then at his bald head with a slim margin of hair around the back.)

PICARD: Make it grow.

(He turned as he wished for this to happen. Then it slapped him upside the face.)

PICARD: Make it grow? Like make it so! That's kinda funny!

(Picard then burst into laughter until he was rolling on the ground clutching his stomach. What happened next was not going to be pretty. Picard got this crazy idea!)

(The scene changed {as always} to one of those corridor scenes where everybody is walking around interested in some notepad or simply walking by. Suddenly there could be heard a mischievous 'hee hee hee' from somewhere around the corridor. Suddenly the door to Picard's room burst open and Picard popped out in his underwear!)

(Picard ran like a crazy man! His body was in a crouched position as he ran with his fists jetting in front of his face and his knees bent in a peculiar fashion. Something was definately not right! He was up to no good!)

(He ran until he come up to Worf's quarters. He heard the sound of Klingon opera coming from within. He stopped and straightened.)

PICARD: Worf! Make it low! (He ran off laughing.)

(Worf heard Picard from the outside and he immediately stopped and looked around embarrased.)

(Picard continued running until he came beside a holodeck. He entered and found himself at a sunny beach with Deanna lying down in the sand enjoying a warm summer day.)

PICARD: (In a low voice) Computer, make it snow. Hee hee hee!

(Suddenly snow pours down on Deanna and temperatures rapidly drop.)

PICARD: Oh, and make it blow. Hee hee hee!

(Frigid winds start to blow as Picard exits the holodeck. Deanna is now fully awake and covered with a small blanket of snow. She grabs her arms as these winds captivate her in their icy blast.)

(Continuing his crazy quest of annoying the whole crew, he runs by a bathroom labeled occupied. As he knocks he hears a familiar voice.)

RIKER: Just a minute.

PICARD: Number 1?


PICARD: Make it flow! Hee hee hee!

RIKER: What? Sir you take that ba-

(Picard is soon out of earshot as he quickly makes his way to Beverly's quarters. He knocks on the door.)

PICARD: Oh, Beverly!

(She's in her quarters getting ready.)


PICARD: Make it show!


PICARD: Hee hee hee!

(Picard soon makes his way to the bridge. It is deserted for the moment, as it is still early in the morning.)

PICARD: Lieutenant Tasha Yar to the bridge!

(He finds a storage compartment near by and drags an old machine out. ' He carefully brings it on the bridge until he trips and drops the equipment. He writes a note by it and runs off)

PICARD: Hee hee hee!

(Yar arrives at the bridge anf finds an old sewing machine on the ground. She picks up the note and it reads 'Make it sew!')

Yar: Very funny!

(Suddenly we hear the speakers on the ship echo with Picard's voice)

PICARD: On second thought, forget Yar. Make it Ro! Hee hee hee!

(By this time everybody on the bridge was starting to wake up prematurely. They were wondering with everyone else what in the universe was going on?)

(Picard ran by the bathroom on his way out and knocked on the door again)

Riker: I'll be right out!

Picard: Number 1! Make a number 2! (A toilet flushed and an angry Riker seemed to be scrambling for decency) Hee hee hee!

(Picard ran around a bunch of confused people and they fainted from shock and dropped those notepads and so on. He finally made his way down to engineering and he saw Geordi.)

PICARD: Geordi!

(There was never a moment when Geordi was more glad that his sight was different then at this moment. He took in Picard with a degree of shock.)

PICARD: (Came up beside Geordi and gave him a friendly punch on the shoulder.) Make it, bro! Hee hee hee!

Geordi: Sir?

(Picard went into hiding so that he could think of more of these crazy sayings. Hours went by as everybody tried to get their bearings. A conference was set up in accordance with this disturbance. Joining it was an embarrased Klingon, a frozen Betazoid, angry first officer, an offended Doctor, a perturbed Lieutenant, and a confused Engineer. Oh yes, and Data was there.)

DATA: So what is the problem?

RIKER: Well, to put it bluntly the Captain has gone absolutley mad! He ran by my bathroom and told me to, "Make it flow" and to, "Make a num--oh never mind!

(Everyone laughs for a moment. Then seeing his angry look they relent and start up.)

BEVERLY: He told me to make it show!

GEORDI: He came around in his fruit of the looms and told me to,"Make it, Bro." (Scratches his head.)

DATA: Fruit of the looms?

GEORDI: That's about it.

DATA: That would explain everbody fainting on sight. Anyone else?

YAR: He gave me a note telling me to, "Make it sew!"

BEVERLY: Why that racis-

DATA: Let's not get into that. Deanna?

DEANNA: He...f-f-froze me.

DATA: How'd he do that?

DEANNA: (Shaking) M-m-make it s-snow.

(Surprise and shock runs throughout all who are there.)

DEANNA: And m-make it b-b-blow. (Shivers)

BEVERLY: Why that incondisiderate-

RIKER: Why I oughta!

DATA: Okay calm down. What about you, Worf?

WORF: I'd rather not.

DATA: We need all of the information possible for a solid hypothesis.

WORF: (Reluctantly states) He told me to, "Make it low."

DATA: Make it low?

RIKER: We're you singing again Worf?

(Everybody snickers until Worf glares in their direction.)

DATA: I suggest two possibiblities for Picard's weirdness. Either he is possessed by a Q, or he is just gone absolutely crazy.

RIKER: Well, which to you suggest?

DATA: Well it can't be the Q one because that one has already been a plot that has transpired in one of the first episodes.

GEORDI: Really?

DATA: Yeah. Where no Man Has Gone Before an episode from the original series. Very entertaining, you should watch it sometime.

RIKER: So which one is it?

DATA: Can't you tell?

RIKER: Yeah, I'm just asking for dramatics.

DATA: Okay...I suggest that Picard is...

(Music stops for this moment and the camera zooms into Data's face. He turns and says...)

DATA: Crazy.

(Dramatic music.)

RIKER: What do you suggest we do?

DATA: I don't make all of the suggestions.

RIKER: Oh, yeah.

WORF: Do we kill him?

BEVERLY: No I say we lock him up.

GEORDI: No, I think he has a state of released euphoria due to ejection of stress for a short term scenario due to last just through this fanfiction.

ALL: Oh, yeah.

DATA: So, then. We wait until it wears off, and if the condition worsens, then we will have to imprison him for the day. So we can go on doing what we usually do on those in-between boring parts in episodes.

(They all leave and resume their duties, well aware of the fact of the loosened meglomaniac.)

(Later in the day Picard comes out from hiding and is now seemingly sanitary with his uniform on. He approaches the bridge and sees Beverly.)

BEVERLY: Hey, Picard may I have a word with you?




BEVERLY: What is your answer?

PICARD: Make Hee hee hee! (Runs off the bridge.)

BEVERLY: Why that no good low down...

(Picard runs by down the corridors and opens the holodeck door. He sees a program where worf is getting his haircut.)

PICARD: Computer. Make a fro! Hee hee hee.

WORF: What!?

(Picard quickly runs down into the engineering section.)

PICARD: Geordi.


PICARD: Make it go.

GEORDI: Alright, sir, but I-

PICARD: Oh, and make it slow. Hee hee hee!

(Picard runs up to the nearest replicator.)

PICARD: Make it dough.

(The opening opens and a big sticky piece of dough can be seen.)

PICARD: Now make it throw! Hee hee hee!

COMPUTER: But sir, rapid ejection of the-

PICARD: Just make it, though!

(The dough flys out at a fast speed. It stops suddenly when met with its target. Deanna. The dough sent her reeling towards the wall,)

DEANNA: Ahhhh!

PICARD: Hee hee hee!

(As Picard runs off, suddenly Yar walks in. She sees Deanna and helps her to her feet.)

YAR: What happened?

DEANNA: Picard!

(In Data's quarters he is busily studying selected books until the door suddenly flys open. He walks up to see who it is and is met with the unexpected. He sees Riker with his arms crossed, Worf with a frightening new haircut, Beverly with her fist clenched, Yar with her phaser, Geordi with a still confused look, and finally Deanna with sticky dough hanging from her hair.)


DATA: Yes?

ALL: Let's get him!

DATA: It seems logical.

(They all run to find Picard.)

RIKER: (Turning to Worf) Nice haircut.

WORF: Shut up!

(Picard walks around a corridor laughing to himself for the commotion he had caused.)

PICARD: Heh, heh, woooo! (He runs his hand through his over his head.) Make it glow! Ha ha! That is a good one. Oh, yes and make it...

(He stops dead as he rounds the next corridor and sees everyone at the other end extremely perturbed and agitated and one completely confused.)




PICARD: Make it uh-oh. (He turns back quickly and makes a run for his life...

(After all is finally finished Picard ends up inprisoned for the rest of the day after he'd heard it in full from all of his victims. The next day everything is back to normal and he is released.)

DATA: So, sir, are you quite normal.

PICARD: Yes, quite. And nothing that happened yesterday gets out. Right?

DATA: Right.

PICARD: Report to the bridge.

(As Picard leaves Data has one solemn moment to himself. Cocks his head in the usual Data thought process.)

DATA: Report to the bridge. Worf's ridge. Just a smidge. Heh! That's kind of funny!

(His emotion chip on high he slowly makes his way to the bridge...)

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