Author's Notes: Okay, so you knew somebody was gonna write this… I hope it hasn't been done to death already. If it has, well, consider this its resurrection.
Obviously, I own none of this, but it's just so much fun to play with them all. What happens when Jedi Master Luke Skywalker gets a makeover by none other than the Queer Eye guys?
~~~~~Queer Eye for the Jedi
VO (as clips from the show flash by): Tonight on "Queer Eye for the Jedi," can the Fab Five really turn this Jedi Knight into a Fashion Delight? Only one way to find out…
*cue Queer Eye theme song*
The Queer Eye 'speeder pulls up in front of the Imperial Palace and the Fab Five pile out. Meanwhile, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight and savior of the galaxy stands at the curb, looking, for the first time in quite some time, nervous.
Thom, eyeing the Palace: Will you look at the size of this thing?
Carson, eyeing the Jedi: Oh, he probably gets that all the time.
Luke smiles uncertainly and laughs just a little: Nice to meet you.
Carson takes over and begins doing the introductions, standing at what seems to Luke to be an uncomfortably close distance to the Jedi Master.
Carson: This is Jai, your culture expert. Kyan is grooming, Ted's your food and wine guy, Thom will be zshuzshing up your apartment—
Luke frowns: Zshuzshing?
Carson: Yes, it's a technical term. And I, I will be responsible for your couture.
Luke raises his eyebrows but continues to frown: Couture?
Carson: Yes, it's a—
Luke: --technical term, I got it.
Carson: Well, my dears, let's see what we're up against.
The six take the turbolift up to Luke's floor.
Jai, looking around the interior of the turbolift: See, this is about the size of my apartment, right here. Look, Thom is in the bathroom, Kyan and Ted are in the living room, Carson and I are in the kitchen, and Luke's in the bedroom.
Carson: How fortuitous!
Luke blushes and tries to pretend he didn't catch the prurient overtone in Carson's statement: Well, I didn't choose to live here. It was a gift of sorts. It's actually too big for my tastes.
Carson, almost giggling when Luke says "too big for my tastes": No gift is too big.
Luke blushes deeper and resolutely shuts his mouth until they reach his apartment. The door slides open and the group walks into the entryway of Luke's home.
Thom: Good gods, you could house a forest of Ewoks in here!
Kyan leans over Jai: Wow, do you have a map or something? *He fishes in his pockets and then turns to the rest of his group* Do any of you have any crackers? Bread? I'm gonna need to leave a trail of crumbs or something…
Carson, meanwhile, to self: Echo! *listens as his voice comes back to him* "echo, echo, echo…"
Jai, laughing: C'mon, boys, we've got a job to do.
Ted, looking eager to get started: Let's go!
Each takes off in a different direction and Luke remains standing in the entryway, looking lost.
Carson is standing in Luke's closet, madly flipping through the clothing hanging up.
Carson: Black *flip* black *flip* black *flip* black… ooh look, brown! *He pulls out the old cloak.
Luke, shaking his head: That doesn't fit anymore.
Carson rolls his eyes and tosses it aside with a flourish.
Kyan is standing in the bathroom, looking around. Like everything else, the bathroom is enormous, with a large inset tub, a large shower, a large sink, and what seems like miles of marble. Kyan peers around, holding something in his hand.
Kyan, to himself: A bar of soap. A bar of—one bar of soap? That's it?
He shakes his head sadly.
Thom, Jai, and Ted are in the kitchen, poking through cabinets and storage units.
Ted, holding a few small containers of various spices: Okay, I give up, where's he keep the actual food?
Thom slides open a drawer and holds its contents up for the rest to see.
Thom: Power converters?
Kyan, still in the bathroom: One bar of soap.
Carson, amid a pile of discarded black clothing including pants, shirts, coats, cloaks, and the old brown robe: I think it's high time we integrated some color into your wardrobe. How do you feel about cerulean?
Luke, feeling as if all he's doing is repeating everyone else: Cerulean?
Carson: It's blue.
Luke, looking just a bit miffed, even for a Jedi: I knew that. I just meant—
Carson, patting him on the shoulder effeminately: Ooh, looks and brains! No wonder there aren't more Jedi, that's a pretty strict set of admission standards right there.
Luke colors just a bit as Carson idly paws through the few remaining things still hanging but notices Luke.
Carson, to the camera and turning Luke to face it as well: Aww, look, he's blushing! Isn't that adorable! *to Luke* So can Jedi really read minds?
Luke: Uh, more like picking up feelings, emotions, that sort of—
He cuts himself off and blushes again, trying to control the blush. Carson grins at the camera.
Carson: Wow, that was almost too easy.
Back in the kitchen, Ted has his head in the cold storage unit. He stands up and backs away so the camera can peer into it as well. There are five or six shelves, each holding a single item, and each item looks as if it has been there since the Clone Wars.
Ted: Look, it's like a little mausoleum in there.
Jai, sounding happy: Hey, here we go!
Jai is reaching into a cabinet, pulling out a few containers and boxes of non-perishable food items. Ted comes over to take a look.
Ted: On the menu tonight, we could have re-hydrated fruit… re-hydrated vegetables… re-hydrated *he peers at the label more closely* oh, more re-hydrated fruit, and… Snerf. *he reads off the label* "Synthetic nerf-steak so delicious, you'll never know the difference". *he shakes the can and makes a disgusted face* It sounds gelatinous.
He pulls open the lid and shakes the Snerf out onto a plate where it sits, jiggling a little, perfectly retaining the shape of the container. He and Jai look at each other, then at the plate, then back at each other.
Thom is now standing in the living room, examining the sparse and utilitarian furniture. It's all clean but it's also all old and obviously second-hand at the very least. Done in various colors, two chairs, a couch of sorts, and three tables are arranged in the center of the room. None of them match each other and none of them match the room's colors either. Thom shudders.
Thom, in a whisper as he stares at the décor: The Dark Side…
Luke and Kyan are in the center of the bathroom. Kyan looks scandalized.
Kyan: You've got… okay, you've got one bar of soap, and some toothpaste. What exactly is your skincare regime?
Luke looks uncertain and has a feeling he's about to walk into a trap.
Luke: Wash it and dry it?
Kyan pauses for a long time and finally looks around the bathroom.
Kyan: Well, at least the tub is clean.
Jai and Ted are still staring at the Snerf. Finally, Ted snatches up the plate hurriedly and dumps it into the trash.
Ted: Let's never speak of this.
Thom, talking to self and poking around the living room: It's like a big gay pride parade exploded in here! Blue chair, red chair, green chair… And gray walls. Gray walls. It's like being inside a garbage chute.
He sits down on one of the chairs and leans back, then makes a pained face.
Thom: Yeah… yeah, because this is a comfortable chair worth having, despite the color. Sure.
Carson is still in Luke's closet but is now digging around in various storage units.
Carson: I'm seeing boots. I'm seeing one pair of boots. I'm seeing *he digs further* two pairs of boots. I'm seeing… I'm seeing a desperate need for stylish footwear.
He digs one last time and produces a hideous pair of nearly-worn-out boots identical in style (or lack thereof) to the other two pairs.
Carson, very seriously: This… *he gestures at the old boots* this is a cry for help.
Kyan, to Luke: Do you know what free radicals are?
Luke smiles weakly and tries to make a joke: Are they anything like midichlorians?
Kyan, still holding the soap and looking upset at it: No.
Carson swirls into the living room where Thom, Ted, and Jai have gathered, wearing Luke's old brown cloak. Kyan and Luke appear moments after.
Thom: Okay, so, what's the big
occasion of the evening?
Luke: My sister is the guest of honor at the annual Senate Dinner, and she asked me to attend. She's been pushing me lately about my current style.
Carson: *eyes Luke critically* I'm not sure "style" is the word you're looking for.
Luke laughs good-naturedly and Carson addresses his bunch.
Carson: So, what's first?
-cut to first commercial break-