A/N: This one is exactly what it sounds like: an absurd little slashy one- shot to celebrate the sixteenth birthday of my best friend Mehitabel, who is quite possibly the biggest Jack/Davey smut hussy that I know. (She also likes Pippin/Merry slash, but we're just not going to go there.)

And happy Valentine's day, also, to all you slash whores out there. Come on....you know you love it. *wink*

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My Funny Valentine...Okay, Scratch That, He's Just Plain Stupid

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It was a normal day in New York City. Les was cute. Sarah was widely hated. The Delancey brothers were being vaguely rude to the newsies, thus foreshadowing their unstinting evilness, and the newsies were doing what newsies do, whatever the Hell that is.

Oh, right! Selling newspapers. Except, well, not really. Crutchy was wandering around being endearing and leaning a lot more heavily on his crutch whenever he caught sight of some nuns. Racetrack was taking in the show at Medda's, and Spot was keeping watch over the musclemen he had hired to periodically dive off the Brooklyn docks in really tight pants. That got kinda see-through when they were wet. And, if you looked really closely, you could almost see-

Um...never mind.

Mush and Blink were out selling, pretending that they weren't flirting with each other. Bumlets was doing backflips for no apparent reason. Slider was sliding, Tumbler was tumbling. The Annoying Red-Haired Kid was yelling at people, and Weasel was being weaselly. Yup. Just a normal day in New York.

Well, maybe for the rest of New York, anyway. In the Duane Street lodging house, though, it was a different story. Because David Jacobs, different from the rest of the newsies, had a calendar and actually knew what day today was, he also knew that today was Valentine's day: the day of lovers. It was a day celebrated the world over, and here in Lower Manhattan on this altogether normal New York day as well, by Dave and his most beloved: Jack. To them, it was a very special day indeed.

The bunkroom had been especially decorated for the occasion: most of the boys' dirty underwear had been hidden under the mattresses, and pale-pink crêpe streamers had been strung between bedposts. A bubble machine of mysterious origins was hidden somewhere, and for want of a carafe of fine champagne and glass jar full of paint thinner cut with fermented sarsaparilla had been set in an ice bucket to chill. The floor was strewn with shredded newspapers, almost as sensual as rose petals, and a romantic dinner for two had been set out on the table. David had stopped short of setting out lighted candles, knowing from experience that the sight of one was enough to set Jack wailing about Santa Fe all night. And that got old fast, even if the song *did* involve him riding a horse.

David took an appraising look around the room, pleased with his handiwork. Now all he had left to do, was wait for the guess of honor to arrive...

It didn't take Jack long to get there. He arrived just as the sun was setting like a pat of butter melting on mashed potatoes. All white and fluffy, like the potatoes at Country Kitchen Buffet. Man, those are some good potatoes...

"Potatoes," Jack said thoughtfully, cocking his head to one side. "Dat reminds me of Santa Fe..."

But luckily, David interrupted before the Interpretive Western Dance could get started.

"Jack!" he said, launching himself into his loving boyfriend's arms. "Happy Valentine's day!"

Jack did a troubled sort of What Now look as he came up for air after kissing David. "Soja get me anything?"

"Yes," David breathed, ever the romantic. "I brought you sunrises and laughter, butterflies in summer and snowflakes at Christmastime..."

"Snowflakes? Wheah?" Jack interrupted, looking around frantically. He liked snow.

"Oh, Jack, you aren't the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?" David sighed.

"What? Knife? Drawer? Where? That could be dangerous!"

"Oh, just open your present."

Jack quickly tore open the pale-pink wrapping on the carefully selected gift. Once opened, he regarded it thoughtfully. It was heavy and rectangular, with print on the front that said: "Great Expectations".

*Grf* Jack thought as he looked into his lover's soulful blue eyes. It was amazing how well David knew him. Here he had been talking about how he needed a doorstop, and David had bought one for him! He couldn't think of a more thoughtful, kind, generous person in the whole world.

"Do you like it?" David asked tentatively.

"Like it?" Jack said, wiping a tear away from his cheek. "Dave, I...I love it. And more than that, I love you."

"Oh, Jack..."

But he didn't have time to say anything more, because he was swept up in the kiss to end all kisses, as the sun slowly set behind them.

Just a normal day in New York City, for one extraordinary couple.

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Must. Not. Post. Sillyfic. MUST NOT.

Aw, hell. I posted it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HITTY!