Setting subtitle: Somewhere in Nevada

*helicopter flies close to highway, chasing a woman on a motorcycle.*

Joey: *skydiving to his Shaguar, boarding the driver's side and taking

off the skydiving outfit, then driving off to the other scene*

*helicopter fires at the motorcycle, blocked by the Shaguar's bulletproof

rear window. It then fires a rocket, and chases the Shaguar.*

Joey: *stops the Shaguar and drives at the helicopter, then uses the

ejector seat and flies over the helicopter, firing two SMGs at the pilot*

Helicopter: *explodes!*

Joey: *lands on the ground, feet first and drops the SMGs. He turns to

face the cameras and takes off his sunglasses.* Yeah, bay-bee.

Joey Wheeler as Austin Powers

*Motorcycle drives up and the rider gets off and removes the helmet*

Mai: Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous.

Mai Valentive as Dixie Normous

Mai: I might just be a part time CIA agent slash profession duel monsters

player, but I'm still tough...and sexy.

Joey: Well Miss Normous, do ew shag now or shag lager?

Mai: Oh, Austin...behave! *fakes kissing* (learn your lines, you twit.)

Goku: Hey, Powers!

*Joey and Mai look*

Goku: You better watch friggin' self, because this is one doctor who DOES

make house calls. *poses and theme music plays*

Goku as Dr. Evil

Goku: Right, Mini-Me?

King Kai: HEY, ASSHOLES!! *flips off and theme music plays*

King Kai as Mini-Me

King Kai: I'm right over here! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me! *fires ki

blasts into the air*


Goku and King Kai: *evil laugh*

Steven Spielburger: And, CUT! So, Austin, what did you think?

Ridley: Well I can't believe that Sir Steven Spielburger, the grooviest

film-maker in the history of making a mmmmmovie about my life.

Very shag-a-delic, baby, yeah! Having said that, I do have some thoughts.

Spielburger: Excuse friend here, thinks it's fine the way it

is. *golden trophy glintzes*

Ridley: Well, no offense, Sir Stevie, but you gotta have Hojo, baby, yeah!

Hit it! *Theme song plays*


Setting: Dr. Evil's Secret Hollywood Lair

Keaton: Welcome back, Herr Doctair...'ow was space?

Kraid: Space was cool, wasn't it, Mini-Me?

Mini-Kraid: *nods* Mm-hm.

Hardy: Dr. Evil, while you were in space, I created a way for us to make

legitimate sums of money, and still maintain the ethics and business practices

of an 'evil' organization. I have turned into a talent agency: The Hollywood

Villian Agency.

Kraid: Really?

Hardy: By charging A-List clients nine percent, rather the usual ten

percent, we've been able to sign up such villans as Sessho-Maru,

Kraid: Ooh.

Hardy: Yura of the Hair,

Kraid: Hey.

Hardy: And Dilandau Albatou.

Kraid: *whispers* Dilandau!

Hardy: And the best part of the whole scheme is...we all get our own

personal assisstants. *snaps fingers*

Inu-Yasha: Hi, we're number Flea!

Kraid: WHOA! *zooms into Old Man Myoga*

Myoga: *looks around* Whaat?

Inu-Yasha: We're glad to be part of the team here at HVA.

Kraid: Very impressive, Number Two...Hundred Pounds. *burp* But now I

finally have the perfect plan. *pushes a button on a remote* In the late

11970's there lived a Dutch mettalurgical hedonist by the name of Gohan van

der Smut. He loved gold so much that he lost his genitalia in an unfortuate

smelting accident, hence the name...Goldmemeber. He invented a cold-fusion

power unit...for a "tractor beam"-*looks at Mini-Kraid and pulls his hands

up*-"tractor beam", powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth. The meteor

was called..."Midas 22". Its made of solid gold-*whispers*-is he sleeping?

Keaton: *nods smiling*

Kraid: Well that's okay...I guess Mini-Me won't get any CHOCOLATE!

M-K: *jumps awake with a start*

Kraid: *laughs* You want down, Mini-Me? Use your words like a big-boy

clone! *lets M-K down*

M-K: *falls, gets up*

Kraid: He's OK! *laughs stupidly* Here's the's from

Broo-ges...that's where Daddy's from, yeah. Arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr-arr!

*laughs again* Check out Mini-Me! He's gone mintal, on account of the

chocolate. It's like frickin' catnip for clones!

Inu-Yasha: Your chair, Dr. Evil.

Kraid: Thank you-WHOAA!! *zooms on Myoga*

Myoga: *looks around again* Whaaat?

Kraid: Htih...hooth...huth...A Buh...*grins slightly* Thanks. Skedaddle.

Right. You know, when you have kids, I think you'll find that all kids are

different, eh?

Keaton: Ja.

Kraid: Ja.

Keaton: JA!

Kraid: Ja.

Keaton: Ja.

Kraid: Ja.

Keaton: JA!

Kraid: Ja...for example, Mini-Me loves chocolate...Scotty DON'T!

Houston: What, I like chocolate fine, it's just that-

Kraid: Scotty don't!

Houston: Oh, this is familiar, lemme do what I do: Uh would ya' stop?!

Kraid: Howbouyuhdowa!

Houston: How bout I what?

Kraid: How bou yuh downt?

Houston: It's just th-

Kraid: How bout yuh down't?

Houston: Honestly, it's just that-

Kraid: How about you don't, ladies and gentlemen, Scotty don't.

Hardy: Dr. Evil, maybe you should finish unveiling your plan.

Kraid: Yes, thank you, Number Two...Hundred Pounds. Ladies and Gentlemen,

my plan is-Scotty Don't.

Houston: Aw, come on, you're such a lame-ass!

Kraid: Mini-Me aimee le chocolate, bien, ah oui eh? *pop* Scotty ne pas.

*Oh's and Duh's exchanged between Kraid and Houston*

Houston: You know, this is causing serious psychological harm!

Kraid: Oh...I dunno...Who-am-I?

Houston: Fine, you know what? I would love some chocolate!

Kraid: *slides the box* Here you go.

Houston: Thank you...perfect. *flips open the box*

M-K: *growls and falls out of the chair onto the floor, but crawls to

Houston's feet.*

Kraid: *grabs M-K with a harness* Heel, Mini-Me! *trying to pull M-K in*

Come on, got me a marlin. Yeah!

M-K: *hits his head on the table's underside* Oof!

Kraid: Are you okay Mini-Me?

M-K: Mh-hm.

Kraid: Did I pull too hard? (Mm-mm) I don't wanna hurt you.

Hardy: Dr. Evil...what does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?

Kraid: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several

preparations. Preparations A-G were a complete failure, but now, we finally

have a working tractor beam...which we shall call...Preparation H! *evil


Houston: *laughs*

Kraid: What?

Houston: Why don't ya call it 'Operation Asscream', you ass.

Kraid: ...I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Houston: ...Yes. I'd love some chocolate ass cream.

Kraid: *looks around for Fat Bastard* ...Perhaps later.

Hardy: Dr. Evil, I love your plan.

Kraid: Ja, eh?

Keaton: Ja, Herr Doctair. Is a really good plan.

Kraid: Yes, Frau, on the whole I think Preparation H feels good.

Houston: *laughs again*

Kraid: What now?

Houston: No, no, know what...I agree. Preparation H -does-

feel good...on the hole.

Kraid: *looks around* Well, I'm glad we're Sprecken Zee the same lingidee,

yeah. *gets up* Ladies and Gentlemen, using my time machine I shall travel

back to 11975, pick up Goldmember and bring him back here...and the best

part of this plan one can stop me...not even...Austin Powers. *theme

music plays* *evil laugh*

Hardy: *evil laugh*

M-K: *evil laugh*

Everybody: *evil laugh*

Ridley: *enters from the left* Not so fast! You're surrounded Dr. Evil!

Kraid: .........Shit.

End Act 1