Narrator: (me) it was a dark night. A cold dark night. A dark cold dark night. A cold, dark, cold, dark night. A dark, col-

At that moment the Narrator is whisked away and her mouth is sewn shut. Perhaps when she finds a quick-unpick she can continue her narrating duties. Until then, here begins...

HARRY POTTER AND THE MEXICAN'S CHILLI SAUCE

Dumbledore and McGonnagall were sitting on a wall conversing.

D: Sherbet Lemon?

M: no, I'm fine, thanks anyways.

D: Sure?

M: Yes.

D: Come on. Just one?

M: No. I will not eat your sherbet lemon, because it's a trick one and when I open it Chilli Sauce will squirt into my eyes and it'll hurt like hell.

D: (sounding hurt) would I do that to you?

M: Yes.

D: I can't believe you! Look, I'll eat one myself to prove that they aren't filled with Chilli Sauce.

Dumbledore opens a sherbet lemon and eats all the sherbet inside.

D: see?

M: Well, all right then.

McGonnagall opens one and Chilli Sauce squirts into her eyes.

M: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

McGonnagall falls off the wall and rolls around on the ground, clutching her face. Dumbledore is laughing.

D: Heheh, gets 'em every time...

@@@

Aunt Petunia knocked on the door of Harry Potter's cupboard.

AP: (Which incidentally is the same initials of Astral Prue) (As in Astral Projection Prue from Charmed) (As in the TV Show Charmed) (As in... well you know.) Get up! Make bacon!

Aunt Petunia only knew seven words, they were your, get, make, bacon, up, or I'll, (that counts as one word) and antidisestablishmentarianism.

AP: Get up, or I'll antidisestablishmentarianism your bacon!

Harry groaned as he left his cupboard. He had been dreaming of a flying bird. It had been such a lovely dream.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were waiting in the kitchen for him.

Harry: What's that godawful stench?

Uncle Vernon: Don't you be so disrespectful to your Aunt's new perfume! I think it's rather... unique.

H: I was talking about the sink.

UV: Oh! I, ah, me too.

H: Anywho, what smells?

AP: Your...

Aunt Petunia cast around for a word of her limited vocabulary to use that made sense. Her brain was saved from exploding from strain by Uncle Vernon, finishing her sentence.

UV: You're going to Stonewallpaper next year, you know. The school uniform there is pink, so we're brightening up some of Dudley's pink clothes from when he thought he was gay. It'll look just like everyone else's when it's done.

H: Dudley thought he was gay?

UV: erm... actually, what I meant to say was... make bacon!

Harry finished making the bacon, and saw Dudley parading around in his new SmellyThings outfit. It was a tight black leather vest which succeeded in acting as a kind of corset for all his fat, and tight black leather trousers with two holes cut out of it to show his buttcheeks. There was also a fake moustache and hat included, and he could easily have passed as one of the village people. To complete the outfit was a high voltage cattle prod.

H: Now I see why you wanted to go to that school. Aunt P, can I go to SmellyThings?

AP: ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM!

UV: BOY! Never ask your Aunt a yes or no question, you know those words aren't in her vocabulary!

They go to the Zoo. Harry spies a bottle of Chilli Sauce on the table.

D: Make it move!

UV: (taps the bottle) move!

It doesn't move.

Vernon and Dudley leave to find Petunia.

H: I guess it can't be fun having people tap on the glass like that.

Chilli Sauce: Actually it's better than being poured over people's hot dogs.

H: You have a point there.

CS: I've never seen Brazil.

H: Neither have I.

Suddenly someone knocks the bottle off the table and it smashes.

CS: Ouch...

They finished going to the Zoo and were in the car home. Big bloody whoop.

Vernon almost hit a bird.

UV: Bloody birds...

H: I had a dream about a bird. It was flying.

UV: BIRDS DON'T FLY!

Vernon screeched the car to a halt, causing a multi-car pileup, and he bent around to squint at Harry.

H: Yeah, they do. But they don't if you squirt Chilli Sauce in their eyes.

They got home. Wow.

Suddenly the postman came. Not in that way!

Postman: Ding-dong! Post! Ding-dong!

The theme for Postman Pat starts playing, but Uncle Vernon glares at the Postie out the window and it abruptly stops.

UV: Get the mail, Petunia.

AP: Your bacon.

UV: Get the mail, Dudley.

Dudley: Make Harry get it.

UV: Get the mail, Harry.

H: Bugger off.

Uncle Vernon grabbed Dudley's cattle prod and poked Harry viciously with it. Harry's hair stood even more on end and he emitted a smell rather like chilli sauce.

UV: (in a soft menacing voice) get the mail, Harry.

Harry staggered to the door, randomly saying the names of random vegetables.

UV: What's taking you so long, boy? Checking for letter bombs?

Uncle Vernon laughed at his own joke. He laughed so hard, in fact, that he fell of his seat and had a minor heart attack. No one seemed to notice or care, so he got back on his seat as though nothing had happened.

H: (coming back in) There's a postcard from Marge, zucchini, and a few bills, broccoli. Ooh look carrot there's a letter for potato me!

UV: A letter for pota-what?

H: Potato me.

Uncle Vernon snatched the letter from Harry and jabbed it near his face several times.

UV: Gonna cry? Gonna cry? Gonna cry?

H: Uh, no?

UV: Whatever.

Vernon opened the letter and read it.

UV: Petunia... read this.

Petunia read the letter.

AP: your . . . bacon.

UV: Exactly. All right everyone we're leaving!

Vernon drove them around for hours, and Dudley cried like a girl and poked Harry with his cattle prod until Harry's hair fell out, and he smelled like burnt curry, AND he kept on saying the names of random countries randomly.

UV: I have provisions.

H: Argentina.

Petunia hummed that Argentina song. Dudley poked her with his cattle prod, and by doing so, a new word was added to her vocabulary: blown up. (Yes that is one word. Oh, all you mathematical geniuses out there argue that it is in fact two words, but I put this statement to you: EAT ME!) (Not literally.)

They got on a boat. Woo fun.

UV: I have provisions. And a gun.

Dudley: (singing) Vernon's got a gun...

Harry snatches the cattle prod off Dudley and pokes him with it. Dudley now smells like burning bacon.

H: Haha Chile!

D: Chilli? As in Chilli Sauce? Where?

H: Chile.

D: Where, god damn you!

H: Chile.

D: Bitch! Where?

H: Australia.

D: We're going to Australia! Dad, get that boat around! We're rowing there! And by we I mean you.

H: Russia.

They get to the hut on the rock.

D: Are we in Australia?

AP: Blown up.

D: Well, I did think Australia would be bigger, but as it's been blown up...

AP: Bacon.

D: No, that's just me, mum, Harry fried me. And he didn't even use the eleven secret herbs and spices.

They walked into the hut and found...

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