Harry, Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley helped Harry onto the platform, and pushed him through the barrier. Harry was amazed at the sight of the Hogwarts express, and he heard Vernon's shouting from the other side of the barrier.

UV: Well, platform 9¾ should be here, but I don't think they've built it yet!

HP: Actually, it's right here... Oh shit, I forgot Anthrax...

Harry went back through the barrier, picked up Anthrax, and forgot how to get back. Wait! Hark, the Herald Angels Singing! What was that Harry heard?

Mrs Weasley: Muggle muggle muggle muggle muggle! Wizard!

HP: Excuse me, I –

Mrs W: Just go on after Ron, he's starting this year too.

HP: I only wanted to know where I could find some hookers.


Draco: I'm Draco Malfoy.


D: You think my name's funny?

R: No, I just burst out laughing for the hell of it.

D: Oh. Well in that case, I see you're a Weasley.

R: Are you psychic or something?

D: And the fact that it's stitched onto your robes.

Ron looks down, and sure enough, the word 'Weasley' was sewn onto his robes.

R: Wow! And I thought it was my roguishly good looks that made girls recognise me!

Neville: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

N: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

N: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

Neville leaves, then comes back with Hermione.

Hermione: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

HG: You seen a toad?

R and HP: No.

HG and N: You seen a toad?

R and HP: Actually... no.

N: You sure you haven't seen a toad?

HP: Yes, we are sure we have not seen a toad.

Harry went to sleep. When he woke up, he found that someone had tattooed onto his forehead: 'I like George W Bush, please smash my face in'. But Harry wasn't worried, for he had tattooed onto Ron's forehead 'I like John Howard, please kick me in the nether regions'. But Ron wasn't worried, for he had tattooed onto Hermione's forehead 'I like Tony Blair, please break my legs.' But Hermione wasn't worried, as she had tattooed onto Draco's forehead 'I secretly like Harry.' But Draco wasn't worried, because he didn't know he was tattooed. Everything was right with the world.

Hagrid: First years this way!

HP: But that's across the lake...

H: Yes, and there's also the giant squid. Hey, screw it all, let's cover ourselves with gravy and jump into a rabid shark pool, where the sharks haven't been fed for weeks!



Sorting hat: (with a lit cigarette hanging out of the rip in its brim, and a scotch on the rocks on the floor next to it)

I'm the amazing sorting hat

I tell you where to go

Hufflepuff are all stupid

Gryffindor have the bloody courage

Ravenclaw are the sexy beasts, hey you! Ever had a hat before...

And Slytherin's are all evil.

So if you don't like it go fuck yourself

Because I'm a drunk hat

And I tell you where to go

While I sing my dumb song

Which sounds horrible

And doesn't rhyme,

But come on, it's not bad for a damn hat!

The great hall applauded, and Dumbledore laughed cheerfully.

Dumbledore: Ah, one of the hat's finest songs.

Hat: Screw you, old man.

D: Ah, that hat's a laugh a minute, isn't he?

McGonagall: Aardvark, Arthur!

That annoying aardvark from ABC Kids came up. You know, the one with round glasses and looks like a mouse. The hat shouted...

Hat: Hufflepuff, you dumb piece of turd!

McG: Potter, Harry!

HP: Blimey!

Hat: For the sake of the goddamn plot, you can be put in Gryffindor, even though you're evil, dumb, and a sexy beast, with no courage, even though that courage develops over the five years, eventually ending in Sirius Black's death, the closest thing to a father you could ever have... Oh bugger, I've skipped ahead a bit, haven't I?

McG: Just a tad.


McG: Weasley, Ron!

Hat: Gryffindor!

McG: Granger, Hermione!

Hat: Gryffindor!

McG: Who cares who the rest go to. Just get them out of my sight.