Hey, yet another entry in the vast and growing phenomenon of the Owner's Manual series. Thank you, Theresa Green, for coming up with such a great concept and for being so generous with those who ask to ride on your coattails. ;-) This manual is mostly confined to the TV Sharpe, although I have used some crib notes from Cornwell.
This is dedicated to horny Beanie Babies worldwide.
You are now the proud owner of a genuine, handcrafted RICHARD SHARPE (hereafter referred to as SHARPE). Your new purchase is a rugged and reckless soldier, so you had best be prepared for an upsurge of excitement in your heretofore humdrum life. With care, you might be able to keep your SHARPE alive for at least 14 adventures and beyond.
Name: Richard Sharpe (You may also call him "Dick" for any reason you like.)
Type: Man (of the sub-category Painfully Gorgeous)
Manufacturer: Chosen Men, Ltd.
Date of Production: 23 June 1777
Height: 5'11" (1.8m)
Weight: 180 lbs.
Length: 35", straight, sharp, crafted of the best material, and suitable for deep, lethal thrusting. (An alternative blade is available with a curved tip to penetrate those hard-to-reach areas. Both come with a "Warranted Never to Fail" guarantee.)
Your SHARPE unit comes equipped with the latest weaponry available in His Majesty's Army. You need not fear that your SHARPE unit will come to harm from handling said equipment. He is quite adept at whatever he puts his hands on.
(b) Baker Rifle and maintenance kit (including supply of musket oil)
(c) Ammunition pouch
(d) Officer's straight-blade cavalry sword, standard issue (see TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS above)
The SHARPE model also comes equipped with the following items:
(e) First Aid kit
(f) an extra green jacket bearing the white stripe of the 95th Rifles sharpshooters
(g) an extra pair of tight butt-hugging breeches with reinforced inner thighs for hard riding
Because of the nature of your new acquisition, do not be alarmed if the crate is in some state of disintegration upon arrival. While our facility tries to insure that all our models meet their destination in perfect condition, old Boney and his merciless French columns sometimes make that difficult. We have taken measures to adequately cushion each SHARPE so that his surface will not suffer injury. However, once he has been freed from the crate, any further damages (lacerations, bullet wounds, contusions, whippings, STDs, etc.) will have to be treated at the expense of the owner.
It is recommended that the SHARPE model be introduced into his new surroundings with some familiar items on hand to make the transition smooth and enjoyable for all concerned. A ration of rum or a nice mug of tea will put your SHARPE at ease and begin the ownership experience off to a bloody good start. For a very bloody good start, increase the rum ration and always have the bottle within easy reach. Previous customers have recommended the FULLY-STOCKED BEDROOM MINI-BAR accessory set as essential to prolonging this initiation process.
The SHARPE model may get dirty and/or bloody from time to time in the course of his adventures and/or shameless shagging, but he is a very cleanly sort and is often found in front of a basin or any source of water, shirtless and sun-bronzed, splashing it over his taut pectorals, nipples hardening provocatively. . . Though he may seem to have the situation under control, feel free to assist in whatever manner you deem appropriate. Slow, circular motions punctuated by sucklings and nibblings have proven effective during extensive tests at our facility.
The SHARPE model can be utilized in a number of ways, most of them legal. Though it may be enticing to keep him within certain confines and focus his potent, indefatigable energy in narrowly-defined pursuits, your SHARPE is capable of much more.
Day Care/Teaching Assistant: Your SHARPE, having risen from the ranks and tough as nails, will take a ragtag group of little monsters and have them marching in time and snapping to attention after only a few drill sessions. Messy desks and lockers will soon be things of the past, and if assignments/projects are not completed on time, expect harsh discipline. If one should challenge his authority, he will clobber him senseless. Blood and a broken jaw may result (though not on your SHARPE), but a lesson not hard-won is not worth much. An additional lecture on how the WELLINGTON unit forced his men to march to Ciudad Rodrigo and back, uphill both ways and in three feet of snow, can be anticipated.
Self-Defense Instructor: The SHARPE model has skill in different fighting methods, with sword, knife, firearms, and fists. Each method has two modes: "Honorable" (in which all the rules of engagement will be observed) and "Dirty" (with such features as the Foot-to-Testicle Maneuver™ and the Gut Punch Surprise™).
**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**
The SHARPE model comes with a vast compatibility software package that can be installed whole or in part. SHARPE is well-traveled and has friends and enemies from every encounter. This deluxe package includes all of them. A complete list would take many pages, but in the interest of brevity and savvy ownership, one should be aware of compatibility DOs and DON'Ts with the following models:
TERESA MORENO: This unit is very compatible with the SHARPE model. Though they at first seem distrustful of one another, do not rush the process. By the third adventure, they will be joined by a pint-sized ANTONIA unit. If you wish the TERESA unit to last more than four adventures, keep her away from any HAKESWILL unit (or at least take away his pistol first).
SGT. PATRICK HARPER: Even more than the TERESA unit, the HARPER model enjoys greater compatibility with the SHARPE model. For owners interested in the possibilities, initiate "slash" mode by having the HARPER and SHARPE models chuckle over mugs of tea or clean their rifles together. ***NOTE*** Musket oil has many uses. There may be some conflict if the HARPER unit has been exposed to a RAMONA unit, but a sergeant does need to look after his commanding officer's varied needs.
SGT. OBADIAH HAKESWILL: The SHARPE unit is totally incompatible with the HAKESWILL unit. A cursory glance at the lean and muscled back of your SHARPE will reveal many scars from the lash. These were inflicted at the contrivance of the HAKESWILL unit and are part of the Lifelong Grudge™ memory chip implanted in your SHARPE. Should your SHARPE encounter the HAKESWILL unit, things will quickly turn ugly. If the HAKESWILL unit eliminates the TERESA unit, a FIRING SQUAD accessory set is available upon request. ***NOTE*** "Slash" mode is possible, but not recommended. Serious injury will surely result if this is attempted.
PIERRE DUCOS: As with the HAKESWILL unit, should your SHARPE ever be exposed to the DUCOS unit, matters will swiftly turn ugly. DUCOS may hound your SHARPE and turn up when least expected. Animosity will increase if your SHARPE takes the eyeglasses from the DUCOS unit and crushes them. (Extra pairs from Paris are included with the DUCOS unit.) ***NOTE*** As with the HAKESWILL unit, the "slash" mode is not recommended. If the thought of switching either of these units to "slash" mode when in the presence of your SHARPE occurs to you, seek therapy immediately.
LUCILLE: Unless you like to see others happy while you remain miserable, it is not recommended that your SHARPE unit be exposed to the LUCILLE unit, for two different reasons. Initially, the LUCILLE unit, if surprised by your SHARPE, may shoot him (see the First Aid kit in the original packaging). Afterwards, the Kill Me, Kiss Me™ chip will be activated and your SHARPE will eventually have little interest in anything besides farming in the French countryside and learning la langue under the blankets.
BITCH JANE (aka Jane Gibbons): Exposure to this unit will reveal all the flaws in your SHARPE unit, so it is recommended that you do not purchase it. Should exposure occur, you will find your SHARPE foolishly smitten, especially if the BITCH JANE has engaged her Poor Beaten Waif protocol and triggered the Misguided Sympathy program in your SHARPE. The matter can be remedied by exposing the BITCH JANE unit to either SHELLINGTON (from our Insipid Poets® line) or LORD ROSSENDALE (from the Craven Pants-wetter® series) units. But be sure to freeze your SHARPE'S assets first before exposure, else the BITCH JANE unit will make off with every farthing.
The "Quick Lay" Boxed Set (consisting of the ISABELLA FARTHINGDALE, LA MARQUESA, "LASS", and LADY ANNE CAMOYNES units; also sold separately): These units, though their purpose may appear to be distracting for your SHARPE, are not a threat to any harmony that may exist between you and your Sharpshooter. Ownership is an exhausting business and these lovely ladies will provide you with a brief respite while giving your SHARPE a quick roll in the hay. No attachments between the units will occur and you can reclaim your SHARPE whenever you are ready. If this is still too close and entangling, consider the "First Base" Boxed Set (consisting of the ELLIE NUGENT, LADY KIELY, and CATHERINE units).
The "Number Two" Boxed Set (consisting of the HOGAN, NAIRN, MUNRO, and ROSS units; also sold separately): If close proximity to home/bedroom is what is desired of your SHARPE, it is not recommended that you buy any of these units. As chief spies of the WELLINGTON unit, they are adept at contriving SHARPE to be absent on various missions, and it is possible that you will never see him again.
The Chosen Men set (consisting of the HAGMAN, PERKINS, HARRIS, COOPER and TONGUE units): Most units in this set will join your SHARPE on his many adventures and get along with him easily. Do not be surprised if the COOPER and TONGUE units disappear suddenly. The HAGMAN unit comes with a "Soldiers' Ditties" music card and can often be heard mumbling a tune in any situation, off-key but oddly soothing. If you become attached to the PERKINS unit, keep him away from the shifty O'ROURKE unit. If the HARRIS unit appears bored, send him to your local library. When he is needed, you will find him in the French literature section, reading Voltaire or wanking off to De Sade.
**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**
QUESTION: I didn't know the SHARPE unit would be so physical! Is there a way I can make him less vigorous and rough?
ANSWER: No, that is his nature, we are pleased to say. If you prefer a companion content with idle chatter, courtly love, tea parties, and playing the toff, please return the SHARPE unit for immediate replacement with the wispy LORD ROSSENDALE or SHELLINGTON models.
QUESTION: My SHARPE vanished one day and then reappeared with a tattoo on his arm. Now he spends every waking moment watching Sheffield United matches and screaming "Go Blades!" at the telly. What is going on?
ANSWER: You have been issued the SEAN BEAN model, or your SHARPE has been exposed to said model. Despite the vocal sports mania, this really is not a bad thing. If SHARPE characteristics are desired, please call our toll free number and we will supply you with the SHARPE software to install into your SEAN BEAN. Also available for installation are the TREVELYAN and MELLORS software packages, should dangerous espionage or rampant adulterous shagging also be of interest.
QUESTION: My SHARPE has scars all over his back! What should I do?
ANSWER: Feel free to add more! However, be aware that such activity may trigger the Lifelong Grudge™ memory chip and result in serious injury to you. But if you like that sort of thing, carry on. By all means. Visit our website to view our extensive line of leather products!
PROBLEM: I am finding it difficult to understand my SHARPE. I catch "bloody" this and "bloody" that pretty well, but most of it is garbled.
SOLUTION: Listening closely and at great length to your SHARPE will slowly erase this problem as the ear becomes attuned to the quirks of his accent. A Universal Translator card for Yorkshire (Sheffield region) is currently being developed.
PROBLEM: I bought a SHARPE, but far from the great experience guaranteed, he is being thoroughly horrible. The unit simply goes around muttering to himself about "Sharpie" and keeps talking into his hat. Also, that nervous twitch is driving me nuts!
SOLUTION: You have been issued a HAKESWILL unit in error. Please remit for a full refund/exchange. If any other units have been exposed to the HAKESWILL unit, we will supply a memory erase. Should a HARPER unit have been exposed, check his belongings to make sure all is in order, else you will find your HARPER receiving a flogging.
PROBLEM: Everything has been going along swimmingly with my SHARPE, but lately all he can talk about is getting some stupid gold eagle.
SOLUTION: The "mission" program of your SHARPE has been activated and he is determined to complete it or die trying. Chances are that he has been exposed to a dying LENNOX model and is merely carrying out a friend's last request to capture one of Napoleon's standards. Fear not -- once he completes this mission, he will be back where he belongs.
PROBLEM: I tried taking my SHARPE out to a lovely society party, but he attacked one of the guests (who wet himself, by the way, and my SHARPE was suitably disgusted).
SOLUTION: Your SHARPE was exposed to a LORD ROSSENDALE unit after being engaged in the BITCH JANE Downward Spiral™ program. There is no need to worry. The BITCH JANE and LORD ROSSENDALE units will meet their own unhappy ends eventually and be out of your SHARPE's gorgeous golden hair.
As noted, with care your SHARPE shall last for many years. Injuries and wounds may occur, but the SHARPE unit has been manufactured with these risks in mind. Extreme injuries are NOT protected under warranty. Be responsible! To keep this soldier happy, provide lots of stimulation and be sure to keep the rum on hand. And remember, a soldier is only as good as his gun, so remind him to discharge and clean it often, using the best lubricants and a firm, rhythmic ram.
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