Liberty City Survivor
'Natural Selection, Has Come Home.'

Jose Philipe Mendola

Legal Notice: I do not own the idea of Liberty City Survivor; it is a copyrighted commercial belonging to Rockstar and RockstarNorth. This is NOT a takeoff on the TV special; it is a death match between two poor old guys loaded up with grenade launchers and flamethrowers. This is based on the intent to amuse you, not to place sick thoughts into your head. May impair your ability to operate machinery. Keep out of reach of children, do not spray in eyes. Prolonged exposure to this fic may cause seizures. Use only as needed. Do not try this at home.

Interesting facts: Unlike my other fics, this was not written in a notebook first. I am doing this off of the top of my head. Secondly, This idea was brought to my attention after one of my friends urged me to write this in science class. Never the less, I spent the whole period debating it with myself, finally passing the vote to do it. Lastly, the only thing fueling me this morning is a big ass cookie, a mix of Mountain Dew and Red Bull and some carrot sticks. Man, do I feel good.

The game was simple. Find two bums, give them implements of destruction, set them loose at opposite ends of the city, and let them hunt each other down.

Sure, the network had said Donald Love was CRAZY to want to do this, but those who lived in LC would LOVE it. Plus, he agreed to pay for any damages that the two marauding bums caused. Who could pass that up?

With show time two minutes away, the camera crews were placed into position around the city.

This episode would be taking place on Staunton Island. One contestant would begin close to the Military Barracks, the other in the park two and a half miles away. Not too far to run, and more than likely they would not go to far, but Love Media had camera trucks and portable cameras on standby just in case.

Some might say that it was immoral to let two homeless people battle it out for food, but it was a damn funny sight to watch, and the masses LOVED the idea.

When the prep horn went off, the cameras went on. The producer pointed to the cameraman who motioned to the lighting staff and in reply, pointed at the cameraman and nodded his head. The show was on.

'Welcome back to another episode of Liberty City Survivor. This week, we are in the heart of Liberty City, Staunton Island itself. Next to me here, but not so close that I could smell him, today's contestant.'

The camera pivots and shows a man wearing torn, faded blue jeans, a ripped and torn pleather jacket and a red bandanna holding back his dirty, greasy hair. He waves at the camera.

'Now we're here behind the Stadium, home of the LC Cocks, and we're just about to gear up our contestant here. We're just waiting for the Weapons Supply van to show up, and we'll show you what our survivor here picks. In the meantime, let's go see what Mike is up to, and where he is. Mike?'

The scene jumps to Mike who is in the middle of the par standing next to a very similarly looking man that is the obvious contestant.

'Thanks Mark, we have here out other contestant. Our Weapons Supply van has already come and gone, so we'll show you what our other survivor has picked out today for weapons.'

The screen fades to a very cheesy animation of two bums shooting at each other as a van drives by. The van runs over both of them, the back doors open, and the animation swings to the back so we can see what's in the back for weapons. The screen returns to normal, and a pair of hands are seen holding up various weapons.

'Our second contestant has chosen today to carry around a Pistol. This automatic is accurate at close range, but not as affective at distances. A good side arm choice. His second weapon is an AK47. A Soviet made fully automatic weapon, it has very good accuracy and a very powerful hit rate. A very god choice as a primary weapon. His third weapon is a shotgun. A very nice compact weapon that packs a punch. Very accurate and powerful at close range, but not as accurate at long, but it still packs a punch. Lastly, out homeless friend is carrying around Molotov cocktails. This is a LC Survivor favorite among contestants. The winner keeps them and normally drinks them. Let's hope he wins first. Back to you Mark.'

The screen switches back to mark just as the Weapons Van pulls away. Mark turns around to face the camera.

'Our first contestant has just gotten his weapons and is already on his way. Let's see what he picked out today.'

The same crappy, amusing animation is seen.

'For a side arm out contestant has a 9mm Uzi. A powerful weapon that has good range, but not the best accuracy. His second weapon is also an AK47. Very good at distance and accuracy. His primary Weapon today is an M16. A US made automatic rifle that can shoot 150 rounds a minute, and has been known to go through a foot of solid concrete. His third weapon for the night is a flamethrower. All I'm going to say is that if this thing goes off, you don't want to be anywhere near it. And if contestant two drinks as much as we think he does, he's going to go up like a tissue. Survivor 1 is also toting Molotov cocktails, but has decided to bring grenades with him too. According to him, he was in Nam' and knows how to use them. Now let's follow them, and get on with this episode of Liberty City Survivor.'

Mark crawls into the van and they take off. The screen cuts to mike and he is doing the same. The bums are off, loaded and ready for a fight.

The first survivor runs his way through Liberty Campus, pushing through people to get to his foe. Shouts of encouragement are shouted from windows as frequent watchers of the program notice that they are running by their homes.

Contestant number two slowly picks his way through the crowds of people in the park. It's fairly late, so there are many out. Mostly muggers and hookers, but they make way for the occasional businessman or woman out jogging. One mugger picks the pocket of a man in a tan trench coat and tan heat, and he is severely beaten for fighting back. The mugger walks away saying 'I'm going to eat ya'.' No one cares that there has been a death in the park.

Contestant one had just crossed onto the street that would take him to the park. He checks his weapon and quickly makes for the park.

Contestant two wastes his time urinating on a statue that is overlooking the road, not knowing how close the other survivor is. HE finishes, checks his shotgun and quietly makes how way to a small footbridge that is in the park. Taking over behind it, he waits for his attacker.

The first survivor makes his way up to the entrance of the park. People around him scream at the knowing fact that he is on LC Survivor. If they did not give away his position, not much else would. Checking the sides of himself, and up and down the street, he slowly makes his way into the park.

Contestant number two is urinating again. This time on the bridge. His weapon is lying on the ground next to him, safety off. A few people walk by him, one or two tossing him some change. He mumbles his thanks.

Contestant number two sees his foe and readies his M16. The idea for this part of the game is to scare him into quitting, so he can blatantly shoot him in the middle of the street. He lifts his weapon and takes aim.

Survivor two picks up his AK47 and looks around. Mostly everything is quiet, but there is a strange amount of people yelling something to his right. He turns his head and sees his competition aiming at him. He levels his AK and looses a few shots into the direction of the gunner. People nearby scream and flee for their lives. Contestant two ducks and fires back.

'Shit.' The bum mumbled before he fell to one knee and fired back. The other contestant had started running north. Cameramen started following him, and others urged the first contestant to follow. Realizing how hungry he was, he obliged their remarks and ran after the other guy.

A few hundred yards ahead of the other bum, contestant 2 stopped and stooped behind a tree, weapon in front of him. The other contestant crested the hill and they both shot wide. Bullets impacted both the ground and a few other people. They fell, spilling both blood and money. Making another break for it, contestant two headed for the street. Possibly he would be safe there.

Contestant one shot back as he was fired upon. Not sure if he had injured the other guy, he equipped his flamethrower and came within a few yards of the tree ha had been behind. Letting loose a torrent of flaming gas, the tree was engulfed in flame, along with a few people that were nearby. They ran a short distance and burnt to a crisp. Contestant two looked around and saw his adversary running into traffic.

'Scoodie-doo.' He said as he hurled a grenade in the direction if the fleeing bum.


An explosion rocked contestant two's world. The explosion, knocking a few around, impacted cars. One sped by, smoking black, another on fire. It raced down the street a little ways, exploding after a few feet. Looking behind him, contestant two saw that a man with a flamethrower was trailing him. This was far from good. IF he could hide somewhere and jump him, he might have a chance. He knew just the place, but it would be a miracle if he could get that far. He turned again and shot off a few rounds from his pistol. They impacted on the street nowhere close to his attackers feet. Running at full tilt, he headed for the main drag.

The intent of the grenade was to kill him right there. Not really to decimate cars and people. Even now contestant one slipped a little in a pulled of goo that used to be some guy's face. Oh well. All's fair in love and- the battle for food. Now what was this guy doing? Shooting at him with a pistol? Now running down the street? Was he nuts? Oh well. He'd be worth the food once he was dead.

There it was. The only chance he would have to finish this here and now. There was a small alleyway between the Happy Blimp and the ZAP. All he had to do was create a distraction, hide in the alley, and shoot that homeless bastard in the back when he ran by. Simple. Pulling a Molotov cocktail out of his jacket, he took a quick swig and lit the rag. It burned with ease, and once a small blaze was created, he tossed it in the general direction of contestant number 1.

Fire erupted in front of Contestant number 1. People that were close to the bottle ran, some on fire. The entire street almost cleared of people, save some of the runners and muggers. Smoke poured down the street, making it impossible to see. Contestant number 1 ducked behind some boxes and a parked car for protection. He did not hear and shots, and once the fire and smoke had cleared, he risked sticking his head around the car. No one was there shooting at him. The street was empty. Stashing his flamethrower, he selected his Uzi and quietly snuck down the street. The Happy Blimp was in front of him, open and flooded with business as usual, but no rival bum. HE continued down the street, a few feet from a pane glass window of the Happy Blimp.

Inside the Happy Blimp, a man had just gotten his order. A large turkey sub with the works. He scanned the restaurant for a seat. It was indeed busy, and he was lucky to find one near the door. Walking over to it, his attention was averted when two guys crashed through the front window. Both were armed, and they did not look like they were about to rob the place. One had an Uzi and the other had a pistol. People started yelling about LC Survivor when the cameramen came running in to film this scene. This was it, the actual cast from LC Survivor. But this was a faked program, right? The two guys began to shoot in the direction of one another. People jumped, screamed, died and ducked. The man that had just gotten his order was shot in the spine, not fatally.

After the massacre, contestant number one had been the loser. The program was aired until the paramedics showed up and started carting people away and giving others CPR. Most were alive before the show went off, but one man who was being carted off wanted to be on camera. He was indeed heading to the hospital, but he claimed that he was now 'hooked and would watch it every day.' Another fan, another statistic to chalk up under wounded.

The winner, Bum number 2, was brought to the local Marco Bistro's and ordered a loaf of French bread with a bottle of their highest proof alcohol. Content with his winning meal, he was transported back to his home, Staunton Island Docks, and was added to the cast list of LC Survivor.

That night, ratings were in the top 5 for local TV shows, just above old re- runs of the old 80's comedy, Just The 5 Of Us, and just below the Made For TV Movie, 'Pirates In Men's Underwear.'

Authors Note: Well, it was fun and it killed a few hours, now what do you think? Like it, hate it? I want to hear from you! All types of reviews will be accepted. Feel free to voice until the Cows come home.