WAS IT REAL? A Jack fic

Having to face Irina Derevko again was one of the hardest thing ive experienced. I keep seeing traces of laura in her I have to remind myself every 5 seconds she's a vicious killer.

And i have to hold my desire to ask her if Laura Bristow ever existed. I Knew Laura Bristow I Loved Laura Bristow I Mourned Laura Bristow

It didnt last long,though. My wife hadnt been death a month when the investigation started. Of course, i didnt knew til much later. Sometimes i wish i hadnt known. But it was necessary

When they told me, it was like i had been stabbed or worse Like someone had taken a red iron and burned me with it. That's when i lost it. My ability to feel

Since then, ive woren a poker face 24/7 Never letting anyone in, not trusting,not talking And especially,not feeling Love,hate,anger,dispise,jealously,nothing Ive felt...warm.neutral.

I used to have passion I felt strongly about so many things I loved,i hated,i was mad ,jealous or happy

Since Sydney entered my life again, i begun to feel some more Not much, but something. Love for her. Concer for her safety. Mad when she wont listen or when she breaks the rules.

And even though i dont like to admit it.. Ive felt.. jealous. She and Vaughn have a good relation. I respect Vaughn as an agent, but i dont think he deserves sydney. But he makes her happy. I wish i could do that. I wish sydney could trust me like she trust him. But i know that's impossible.

Sydney and i will never have a good relation. There are just so many lies, secrets and mistakes. I tried to stop her, i never wanted her to enter this life But she did. When she became a double, i didnt wanted vaughn as her handler.

I managed to get him off her case, but i didnt last. She wanted him. And she usually gets what she wants. She got that from her mother I guess that's why she can make me feel something.

When i see irina, i feel very hot and cold. Angry, at her and at myself for being so naive But the first time i saw her After almost thirty years. I couldnt help it but to see Laura.