Disclaimer- Middle-Earth and its inhabitants belong entirely to Professor Tolkien who's work I'm mangling here. I hope he's not spinning in his grave too much. Also apologies to the genius Terry Pratchett whose style I've woefully tried to emulate here.                

Gollum danced wildly as he held aloft the one ring of power, or more specifically the severed Hobbit finger on which the one ring of power was now residing. The Precious was finally his once more. He could now do all the things of which he had dreamed for so long, such as...such as...well he could work the specifics out later, although he had a feeling that raw trout would be involved somewhere along the line. As he teetered giddily on the precipice overlooking the fiery pit of Mount Doom the one ring slipped out of his hand. He instinctively dived after it. This was on balance probably not the most sensible move he had ever made.

There are many things that can cause a person to reevaluate their perspective on life. Plummeting head first into a lake of red-hot magma is one of them, albeit a usually terminal one. As he plunged downwards Gollum realised that spending the majority of his existence fixating on a small piece of jewellery hadn't been the most productive use of his time, and resolved that if reincarnated he'd endeavour to acquire a wider range of interests.

In the other nine hundred and ninety-nine out of a thousand alternate realities in which the ring was destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, the story of Gollum ended with a rather pathetic wisp of black smoke rising from the depths of Oroduin. In this particular instance however something positively miraculous happened.

It is a well-documented fact that in areas of high dramatic tension, such as Mount Doom at the moment of the Dark Lord Sauron's demise, the fabric of reality (usually a polycotton vinyl mix) can become rather distorted, allowing a variety of narrative fluctuations to occur, the most dangerous of these being the plot hole, a tear in the fabric of reality that can lead, if not quickly mended, to the creation of a vacuum in the narrative. It was one of these most dreaded of phenomena that opened up beneath the corrupted Hobbit formerly known as Smeagol. Sucked into the maelstrom of the plot hole Gollum was buffeted around by a host of discontinuity eddies', before being hit over the head by a rather hard non-sequitur and thrown into conveniently placed plot contrivance. The reverberations from this spread throughout Middle-Earth causing a host of arbitrarily selected characters to be swept up into the vacuum.

Gollum woke up on a hard floor in a mercifully badly lit room. He wasn't quite sure what had happened to him. Only that he had lost The Precious and didn't have a clue where he was.

"Nasty Hobbitssess, we hatess them." he hissed feeling utterly sorry for himself. In all fairness Gollums current predicament was in no way the fault of the two Hobbits he had only recently attempted to murder. However it is a well known fact that 99% of sentient creature when faced with an undesirable situation of their own creation take the bold path known as 'blaming someone else'. This is probably because those foolhardy souls who choose to 'own up' to their misdoing's and take responsibility for their actions tend to get weeded out of the gene pool pretty damned quickly.

He proceeded to make the bold decision to curl up in a corner shut his eyes and hope that everything would sort itself out.

After thirty minutes he got cramp in both his legs and decided that his current plan of action wasn't working. He got up and took a proper look at his surrounding. The room was filled with a variety of strange contraptions the likes of which he had never seen before. Along one side of the room was a row of grimy blue doors, each covered in a kind of writing that Gollum assumed must be a rare form of mystic rune. It was the first, and indeed last, time that Gollum had been in a ladies public convenience.

As he was staring in wonderment at the electric hand drying machine two middle-aged women entered, talking rather loudly.

"So what happened then?" said one of the women

"Well of course our Sharon didn't know what to do..."

They both spotted the deformed looking man in the loincloth staring rapturously at one of the sinks and screamed.

Unfortunately Gollum had already spotted the gold wedding band on the finger of one of the women and was lunging towards her at great speed.

"My preciousss," he screamed in delight.

A short time later Gollum found himself bound hand and foot in the back of a horseless carriage accompanied by two rather tall threatening looking men in strange uniforms. It was the first, but by no means last time Gollum would find himself in the back of a police car.