Shame

by Myka

Pairing: Schuldig x Yohji

Warnings: yaoi, angst, slight OOC?

Disclaimer: Song 'Shame' belongs to Stabbing Westward.

A/N: Another songfic, more angst. Wonderful to write. Schuldig POV again. ^-^ This is the result of my weekend away from home and a month of work.

beta: naaha. This used to be a completely different fic before naaha got her hands on it. Now I think it's a much stronger fic than before and different from all my one-shot deathfics I've been doing with this pairing.

~~~

It was an instant attraction. From the first moment that we laid eyes on each other.

Your jade.

My emerald.

Just like fate.

Of course back then we weren't on 'friendly' terms so to speak. No, we were actually trying to kill each other.

At least maybe you were; but me? I was just having fun.

I only see myself reflected in your eyes

You and I are so alike, aren't we, kitten? Oh, you don't mind if I call you kitten, right?

I start chasing you after that first meeting. Following you. Discovering what places you frequent, what clubs you dance in.

I pick a dark corner, hiding behind the mass of people. It's where I can watch without you noticing me. I can't keep my eyes off of you.

Another night, same routine. But I can't see you anywhere, I look around; maybe you left…

That's when someone grabs my arm. I turn around to face your deep jade eyes.

"Why do you keep following me?"

I grin.

"I've given plenty of chances to attack me, but you never do. You're always hiding in a corner. Are you spying on me?"

I chuckle. "Worried, Kudou?"

Our eyes meet and there's that heat again.

I don't remember who made the offer. But somehow we end up in a hotel room, tearing at each other's clothes, devouring each other's mouths.

I whisper into your ear. You moan into mine.

On that night, and many others to come.

So all that I believe I am essentially are lies

There's something really wrong with me.

When you're not around, I think about you.

On missions I fight you, with the knowledge that in just a few hours you will be in my arms.

When you don't show up, I feel like dying.

Because when you're not with me, I am nothing.

Another night. Another hotel room. We are together.

We don't speak.

We never speak.

No silly words that lovers whisper to each other when they become one. Cold-blooded assassins don't do that.

But I feel something's wrong tonight.

You clutch to me like never before, our bodies writhing together.

When it's over you kiss me and whisper to me. "This was the last time."

And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was

Died with your belief in me so who that hell am I?

This should be nothing for me. I've lost lovers before for smaller reasons than being my 'sworn enemy.'

The days become boring, longer. And for some reason I can't sleep, can't eat, can't concentrate.

My Yohji. My counterpart.

You are no longer mine.

I don't know if I am real without you
what is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
how can I exist without you?

I believe this is the first time I've ever felt like this.

About anyone.

I'm wanderin' 'round confused

I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I want you back in my arms.

This is more than just lust.

I can't get you out of my skin, out of my soul.

I'm going to get you back.

Wondering why I try

I go to the same spots we used to meet. But this time I don't hide in darkened corners. I go to you, confront you. I want to know why.

But you ignore my every move. Disregard my every plea.

Sometimes I even feel like it's hopeless.

But I just can't stop myself.

I corner you during a mission; I can't control myself. I pin your hands against the wall and kiss you. You don't even respond to me. You just stand there.

Unmoving, unresponsive, unwilling.

I stop. "Why don't you want me?"

The more that you deny my pain
The more it intensifies...

Your voice comes calmly, you sound tired. "Because this isn't love, Schuldig. If we keep going it'll only kill us."

"It's already killing me!" I spit angrily, banging your hands against the wall once more.

I freeze, my own words revealing how I really feel. Some of your thoughts accidentally jump to me.

I slowly release my hold on you. "You've been ordered not to see me," I mutter. "Your team found out about us."

You nod slowly as you avoid my gaze. You start to leave and I can't find the strength to stop you.

"Don't ever talk to me again."

I pray for someone to ache for me the way I ache for you…
If you ignore that I'm alive
I've nothing to cling to

I stand alone for the longest time. There are tears trailing down my face and I hate it.

I hate that you have this effect on me.

I wipe the tears with the back of my hand.

My fists slam against the wall.

I hate you, Yohji.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

I'm supposed to hate you so much.

But my heart just keeps screaming that I love you.

I don't know if I am real without you
what is left of me without you?
I don't know what's real without you
how can I exist without you?

It's been a week. I'm an official mess.

If it's not supposed to be love, Yohji, then why does it hurt so much?

I want one last chance. I go after you. You're on a mission. I'm not even supposed to be there.

You look surprised when you see me. Your eyes widen, trying to hide how you really feel. I waste no time in finding an empty room and pulling us into it.

I stare into this mirror
so tired of this life

"Come with me," I plea. "Let's leave everything and everyone behind. Be with me."

I reach out and you let me touch you. Kiss you.

It's been so long. I want to take you right then and there.

I tear at your clothes. They're in the way.

But your hands are suddenly gripping my shoulders, your fingertips digging into my skin.

Jade orbs fall on me, saying nothing. No love, no lust. When I know my own speak tons.

You push me away, a single word leaves your lips. "No."

If only you would speak to me or care if I'm alive

I stumble backwards. Put a good five feet between us.

"Yohji!" I scream, unable to hide my feelings.

You glare at me, and before I know what's happening you reach for your wire and throw it at me.

I fall down, sitting on the floor now. You throw the wire again. It coils around something behind me and pulls taut. I feel it across my cheek, followed by a warm drop of blood.

I clench my fists tightly. Something breaks within me as I stare at the wire that's right in front of me.

I just confessed that I would give up everything for you, that you mean the world to me…

And you said no.

You said no.

I raise a finger slowly towards the tense wire. I push a finger against it and a thin line of blood starts to flow instantly.

My eyes go wide. A crazed thought pops into my head instantly. I look down at my wrists, then at the wire again.

You said no to me.

Once I swore I would die for you

I join my wrists together, pressing the wire between them, and force them forward.

The pain comes instantly, the wire doing what it's supposed to do.

I instantly regret it.

I stare at my wrists; my hands are trembling. It seems the more they shake, the more blood gushes from the wounds.

But I never meant like this

The shock of what I've just done hits me. I feel dizzy and my eyes close for a second. I slump forward.

Warm hands surround me and I allow myself to fall into the embrace.

I never meant like this

Everything is a blur. There's a hand holding mine. The whispering of my name.

I know it's you holding me, checking my wounds, calling my name.

No I never meant like this

There is a sudden pressure on my wrists and finally the dizziness leaves me.

I open my eyes and see pieces of your clothes wrapped around the wounds. You pull me to you and our eyes meet.

"Why did you do that?" you ask me softly.

A small grin forms on my lips. I can't help it. "Why do you care?"

I don't know if I am real without you

I see doubt in your eyes, so I move and push you away, ignoring the fact that my hands are killing me.

I start to stand and you try to help me. "Don't touch me!" I yell. You pull back and I stand on my own power.

I am so stupid.

I look at you, anger is all that's left. "Leave," I hiss lowly. "You're here on a mission, aren't you? Go and finish it."

"But…"

"Leave!" I scream. "Go the fuck away!"

You stand there for a second, blinking at me slowly, but eventually turn and leave. The sudden silence seems to surround me. I can feel bitter tears at the corner of my eyes. I swipe them away with the back of my hand. Smearing my face with my own blood. I stare at the pieces of cloth you wrapped around my wrists; there's an urge to pull them off, but I don't.

I rest my back against a wall and slide slowly to the floor. It feels like I've been staring at the floor for hours, but I know it hasn't even been one. How much time has to pass before I bleed out? I don't remember anymore.

You didn't come back… I was thinking that maybe if I waited, you'd come back.

I rise to my feet again. If I don't leave this place right now, I never will.

The stairs are a pain, but I finally reach the first floor. My legs refuse to cooperate and I support myself with the wall. If anyone is interested in my location, they can follow the blood trail I leave behind. Not that I believe anyone is looking for me. You chose to leave. I choose to live. 

Another dizzy spell hits me and I lose my grip on the wall, falling forward. A hand grabs me by the shoulder and I snap my neck to the side to meet your beautiful eyes.

You move forward and try to help me. I snatch my gun and press it to your forehead.

"I told you to leave me alone," I mumble.

Your voice sounds so calm. "You need help."

"I can take care of myself."

"Let me help you."

"You made your choice," I remind you, pressing the gun forward. "You left."

"I made a mistake. Please…I don't want you to die."

"No!" I snap. "You left! You…"

"Are you going to shoot me then?" you interrupt, your eyes narrowing. "What are you waiting for?"

I bite my lower lip. The gun shakes for a second in my hand, then falls to the floor with a loud clank. 

What is left of me without you?

Your arms are around me. I press the side of my face against your chest and just stare at you.

This is what I wanted. It is love after all, isn't it?

"I'm sorry about before. I was just confused and…"

You seem to have the need to explain yourself. But I don't want to hear any of it; I don't care. "Kiss me," I interrupt. You hush.

I adore the sensation of your lips on mine. You kiss me softly, then harder. I love every second of it.

The kiss stops and our eyes stay bound to each other.

Your jade.

My emerald.

Just like fate.

I don't know what's real without you

You put my arm around your shoulder and hold my waist to help me out of this place.

Right now I just want someone to fix what I did to myself, so I can be with you.

We reach the entrance. The night feels cold, freezing. A shiver runs through my spine. I know instantly that we're not alone.

"What are you doing, Balinese?"

Abyssinian.

"Leave him."

"He's hurt, he needs help," you say.

"Leave him," the other repeats. "You know the orders."

"Don't make me choose, Aya."

The leader of Weiss gives you that icy stare of his. "But you already made your choice, didn't you?"

"I'm not leaving without him."

"Why him?" The question catches me off guard, but you just smile.

"That's just the way it is," you answer simply.

I can see anger twist into the other's face. "I can't accept that," he says, as he reaches for his weapon.

You notice and let go of me. "Stay here," you order.

I wrap my hand around the wrist that's hurting more. The things you wrapped around them aren't working anymore. It's a struggle to stay up on my own two feet. I catch a thing or two of what you're saying to your teammate. I know he wants me dead; but I've lost too much blood for anything to make sense anymore. I can't help but stare at the wounds on my hands, drops of blood falling from the tips of my fingers. Time's running out.

"Yohji…"

Even speaking is a strain. My feet crumble beneath me and my knees collide with the floor. I take a deep breath. "Yohji!"

You're instantly beside me, picking me up in your arms, holding me close to you. You know what's wrong. You reinforce your hold on me and walk a few steps. "Goodbye, Aya."

I see the glare Abysinian gives you as you walk away. He's not following.

I lean closer to you, pressing my face to your neck. I want to show you how much you mean to me.

My voice is barely a whisper. "Aishiteru…"

"There's the car, Schu. There's an emergency room close by, just a few more minutes, ok?" I sense the slight panic in your voice.

Is it too late for me? Do you know?

"I really do love you, Yohji." I speak again, louder this time.

"Schu…"

I clutch to you with the last of my strength before falling back, everything leaving me, the blessed darkness overpowering me.

The last thing I hear is the cry of my name.

---

Everything hurts.

My head, my body, my hands…

That's a good thing.

It means I'm alive.

I try opening my eyes the second I realize I'm conscious. My eyelids feel extremely heavy, but I force them open.

The first thing I see is you.

There's a look of intense joy on your face. You instantly throw yourself at me, kissing my forehead, my nose, my lips.

Your voice is equally happy. "You're awake!"

"Of course I am," I reply. "Either that or this is a great dream."

You grin and kiss me again.

There are signs of relief in your eyes, your face, as you place your hand gently on my forehead. "Promise you won't ever do something as stupid as this again," you say, pointing towards my bandaged wrists.

I lower my gaze in shame. But you just press our foreheads together and stare at me. "Promise me."

"…I promise."

Another kiss.

You gave up everything for me, didn't you?

"Why did you choose me?" I ask.

I can see a tender smile on your face. There is not a single trace of doubt in your eyes.

"How can I exist without you?"