"I wasn't dropping no eaves, sir!"
-Sam, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Summary: The entire order of the Phoenix (inc.) (or some number close to it) eavesdrops on Ron and Hermione. Hilarity ensues.
Notes: Inspired by She's a Star, especially by the story Of Perfumes and Point Getting. I took some creative liscense, with the doxies in the drawing room, but the book says it took most of the morning and didn't describe the entire morning. So....'Eavesdropping' ensues. My first non-MWPP-era fic, woot.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing, I tell you. Not even the computer, much less the characters.
Harry wiped a hand across his forehead. "I hate these things," he muttered to himself. He glanced over at his two best friends, who were still arguing. Again. Harry sighed and sprayed the last doxy, throwing it in the bucket. Ron and Hermione were still arguing, Hermione motioning furiously with her spray bottle.
"Well honestly Ron, if it's my fault you can't even spray a doxy and end up hitting me in the face--"
"I didn't say it was your fault! You just shouldn't stand right behind a doxy I'm going to spray!"
"Oh, so now I'm supposed to control where the doxies fly? Honestly Ron, I can't believe you,"
"I said I was sorry, okay? Why do you have to take it so personally?"
"Well maybe if you would just--"
"I'm going to take a break. The others have gone to lunch already," Harry announced loudly, tramping out of the room. He didn't think either one of his friends had heard him. Sighing, he dropped his spray bottle and protective scarf. The rest of them had stopped for lunch earlier, Harry, Ron, and Hermione remaining when Hermione generously had volunteered to clean up.
Ginny grinned when Harry entered the Kitchen. "They still at it?" she asked, eyes twinkling.
"Yep," Harry said with a sigh. Ginny bit back a laugh over her pumpkin juice. "What?" Harry asked defensively, raising an eyebrow at her. Ginny only grinned.
"It's a bet," Fred said smugly. "Ginny thinks they're going to end up snogging the snot out of each other. There's no way."
"Actually, if they snogged the snot out of each other, that would be gross," George interjected. "It's be a snotty vile-tasting..." he subsided, looking revolted. "Egh."
Harry only glanced at them. "A bet? How much?"
"Two galleons, five sickles, and three knuts," all three said silmultaneously. Harry grinned.
"What's this about betting?" Sirius asked, sitting down beside them. "Hermione and Ron?"
"Will not be snogging the snot out of each other by the end of today," George said promptly. "Ginny thinks otherwise."
"I don't know about that," Sirius said, shrugging. "Are they in a room alone, together? That was how it worked with Lily and James. Leave them in a room arguing and come back to find them all over each other, lying on..." he trailed off as he realized that Harry was staring at him with a look of horror on his face, and he grinned. "Well, you get the picture. I'm with Ginny on this one."
"Are you raising the bet?" Fred asked with a glint in his eye.
"A galleon," Sirius said carelessly, grinning. Ginny whooped and grinned shamelessly at Fred and George.
"In your face!" she began, but was cut off by Fred.
"Okay, let's spy. At the door, Extendable Ears for all."
The group crept down the hallway carefully, acting like immature teenagers...which most of them were. And Sirius still was, mentally at least. It was a comic picture: Ginny on the bottom, eye pressed to the keyhole on her knees, Fred and George at the crack of the door listening and trying to catch a glimpse of them, and Sirius at the other side of the door.
"I can't believe you," Hermione was saying, gesturing violently with her sprayer. "You always argue with me over every little thing!"
"Hardly need the Extendable Ears to hear that," Fred said, wincing as George put them in his pocket.
"They're standing like a foot away from each other," Ginny reported, shifting eyes at the bottom.
"What on earth are you doing?" a voice asked, and everyone silmultaneously went: "Shhhh!"
"Sorry," Tonks said. "What is this about?"
"Ron and Hermione are having it out at each other," Sirius whispered. "Ginny and I think they'll end up snogging the hell out of each other."
"She used 'snot'," George whispered. "So it's gotta be snot!"
"No," Ginny hissed. "That's not what I meant. If they end up snogging at all then you owe me!"
"And me!" Sirius interjected.
"You wouldn't take our money, would you?" Fred asked, innocently. "We're just helpless little kids, remember?"
"Don't pull that shit on me," Sirius said, but he was grinning. "I was just like you when I was in school, me and James. Yes, I would take your money and you'd deserve it."
Fred and George gave him identical innocent looks but were smart enough not to press the matter. Tonks crouched next to Sirius, trying to see through the crack. "What are they saying?"
"Well if you lot'd shut up for a minute," George said irritably, and there was a short silence at the door.
"Why do you always argue with me, anyway?" Ron was saying clearly.
"Why do you always start arguments? Honestly, Ron, if you'd just be more responsible--"
"Like that'd ever happen," Fred sniggered. Harry stifled a laugh.
"You don't know how to have fun!" Ron was saying.
"What on earth are you doing?" a voice asked, and everyone turned to see Arthur Weasley standing in the hallway, staring at them like they were insane.
"It's an experiment," Sirius said with a straight face. "We're observing the results of this experiment."
"Ron and Hermione?" Arthur asked after a pause.
"Yeah," Ginny said, her eye pressed to the keyhole. "Look, they're stepping closer together!"
"I can't see," George complained. "Move your head, Fred, you're blocking the view--"
"Like there's anything to see--"
"How come Ginny gets the keyhole?"
"Keep it down," Tonks warned. "They'll hear us!"
"Not likely," Ginny whispered. "Not with all the screaming they're doing. Now shut up so I can listen."
"Spying again, Padfoot?" Remus asked, and Sirius turned to grin at his old friend.
"Remember days like this?" he asked with a far away look in his eyes. "There's three galleons--"
"five sickles, and three knuts," Ginny interjected, still busy at the keyhole. Sirius grinned.
"riding on the fact that Hermione and Ron will be snogging the hell out of each other."
"Snot!" George hissed. "The exact terminology was 'snogging the snot out of each other'!"
Remus stifled a laugh. Arthur grinned.
"I'm with the twins on this one, Sirius," he said happily. "No way they will, not in public like this."
"Raise it asickle," Ginny challenged.
He dropped a sickle into Fred and George's old hat where they were keeping the bets. "So that raises it to three galleons, six sickles, and three knuts," Fred said, glancing down at the pile.
"Would you lot just shut up?" Harry whispered. "I'm trying to hear!"
"You're so immature," Hermione was saying, and Sirius was mouthing along with her, an expression of mimicry on his face.
"And you're so boring," Ron shot back, and Remus stifled a laugh. Tonks had her ear to the door intently.
"Ron, not everything's a party, you know. We have serious things to take care of, too, like studying for O.W.L.s, they're going to determine our future, you know--"
"Oh, cut it, Hermione! Bloody O.W.L.s are not going to make us live or die! All they do is take people away from---from having fun!"
"Raise you a sickle that they will," Remus said, tossing it in the hat. "I've seen this way too many times."
"Only this time he's got red hair," Sirius whispered, and Tonks shushed them.
"We know you two are old, you don't have to emphasize the fact," she said before pressing her ear back to the door.
"Cold," George whispered, sniggering, but Ginny glared at him and he subsided.
"Oh, and I suppose all you want to do for the rest of your life is party?" Hermione was shouting. "And you're not even very good at it, for all you like to do it so much!"
"Don't you ever shut up?" Ron asked, half in desperation.
"You're gonna owe me bigtime," Ginny whispered.
Hermione glared at him. "There are things more important than studying," Ron was saying half-desperately. "Don't you every think about anything else besides books and classes?"
"Well, of course I do," she said, and suddenly she was on the defensive. "I mean, I think about my future and you...and Harry," she added quickly, and Sirius cackled silently.
"What's going on here, a secret meeting?" a gruff voice asked.
"Oh, shut up Mad-Eye," Tonks said without turning around. "Some very important betting is going on here."
"Over who? Weasley and Granger?" Mad-Eye asked, standing closer to the door. "It's a certainty."
"Raise the bet," Ginny urged, turning around to face him, but he shook his head.
"I don't rip off kids."
"Honestly, what is this?" Molly Weasley asked, and Fred and George groaned.
"Mum! Just be quiet!"
"It's an experiment, Molly," Sirius said, tyring to soothe her.
"Perfectly harmless," Remus added.
"Oh, shut up already," Ginny said irritably, and the sounds of the fighting were coming through once more.
"But did you ever think about something that wasn't academic?" Ron was asking, despairingly. "I mean, growing up? A family? Something that didn't involve you studying for things and being smart?"
"Well, of course I do, Ron," Hermione was saying. "I'm not daft, I do have some common sense--"
"Name something," Ron said pointedly, folding his arms over his chest.
"Well, I think about the war, and how we're going to end up, you know. What about Harry? What will happen to us thirty years from now? That sort of thing."
Ron rolled his eyes. "That doesn't count," he said severely. "I mean stupid things. Daydreaming, thinking about nothing, boys, girl stuff, I don't know, anything!"
"Well, it's none of your business what I think about, anyway," Hermione said.
"She's turning red!" Ginny hissed. "Red as a tomato! It's written all over her face!"
"They're going to be snogging the snot out of each other," Tonks said with a grin.
Molly stifled a laugh. "Oh dear, is that what all this is about?"
"It's got important stuff riding on it, Mum," Ginny said, not tearing her eyes away from the keyhole. "Any minute now..."
"Stupid Mudbloods and muggle-lovers, disgracing the house of my master, well suited to each other and they live in filth, breed more filth," Kreacher muttered as he walked by slowly. Harry let out an impatient sigh but Ginny spoke up first.
"Honestly, why don't we just invite Snape and McGonagall while we're here?" she said irritably. "I want to listen!"
"To what?" Mundungus asked blearily. "Those two argue?"
"Hey Dung," George said. "Put a galleon on Hermione and Ron not snogging?"
"Nope, sorry mate. It's a done deal."
"A galleon for it?" Ginny asked hopefully.
"Three," Dung said, throwing them in the hat carelessly. "What are they saying, anyway?"
"They're right up to it," Sirius breathed, eye glued to the door. "It'll be any minute now."
"That's because you don't," Ron was saying smugly. "You never think about anything except books and studies---"
"Get ready to pay up," Ginny said.
"Oh, like you know me anyway!" Hermione shot back angrily. "Like you even care about anyone besides yourself, and maybe Fleur,"
"I didn't even like her, for your information, Mrs. Viktor Krum," he shot back. "You don't have room to talk, talking about no brains when you dated that overgrown bat of a Quidditch player with mush for brains--"
"Don't pick on Viktor," Hermione said defensively. "I stopped seeing him anyway!"
"This is taking too long," Harry whispered impatiently.
"They'll come round," Sirius said under his breath, eye glued to the crack in the door.
"Yeah, like you even think about boys at all--"
"I think about boys all the time!"
"Well, maybe you!"
There was dead silence.
"Pay up," Ginny whispered.
"Not yet," George whispered, furious. "They're just talking, they'll never get round to the actual snogging--"
"Well, maybe I kinda like you too."
Everyone outside let out a sigh of relief and all ten members of the Order of the Phoenix (Incorporated) sat back, Fred and George pouting.
"Pay up," Ginny said glinting, and Fred and George glared at her before tossing her the hat.
Notes: This was rather fun. I focused more on the eavesdroppers than the situation inside and I liked it. Highly entertaining, no? I might write more non-MWPP...maybe. Don't hold your breath.