I Only Want To Say

By Emania

Summary:  Why does Inuyasha really instigate those fights with Kagome?  Is he really as stupid as everyone believes?  A one-shot, people, very angst ridden and, I feel required to warn you, un-edited.  I haven't subjected it to EditorEm, because if I do, I'll just keep putting it back in my files and never dust it off, cause, well, you guys know me and one-shots.  Anyway, enjoy.

Disclaimer:  Standard issue:  I don't own Inuyasha.  Hey, I don't even own the song this is based on.  It's based on the play Jesus Christ Superstar which belongs to Andrew Lloyd Weber, if I'm not mistaken.  Well, it's not really 'based' on the play cause it's not an AU or anything, but it was inspired by the play.

Rating:  Word usage and stuff, it's pretty tame.  Subjectmatter, probably not for the youngsters.  No lemons or limes, just strong subjectmatter.  I'd say an Angsty-PG

A/N:  Okay, so this is all angst, all the time.  Just like the last one-shot I did was all sweet and fluffy, this is angst ridden like you wouldn't believe.  I got it into my head to listen to the soundtrack of Jesus Christ Superstar and my favorite song there has always been Jesus' song on Gethsemane.  The emotion in it has always struck a chord, and maybe now because I'm on the Inuyasha kick, I saw something with it… So yeah, it's inspired by the song I Only Want To Say from Jesus Christ Superstar

This is Important, People!:  I know what you're going to say… "WTF?  What the hell's going on here?"  But truthfully, I don't know.  I could leave it as a piece in my files and wait for Puck to inspire me into what's going on and make this into a whole fic, or I could post it as a one-shot and let you all decide.  The truth is this:  I don't know what's going on.  I don't know what happened before this scene and I don't know what will happen after, and I certainly don't know what happened "3 years ago" as they make reference.  So, yeah…I guess that's all. 

On with the show!


The fight still rang clear through his thoughts, echoing mockingly at him the demands, the tears, the questions he couldn't answer, and the pain…the pain was still fresh in his heart as he ran, the trees blurring into shapeless colors.  He had caused her pain…again…but it was better…better this way.  Better if she thought him indecisive, better if she thought he hadn't chosen her, better if Kagome never knew. 

Kagome must never know how close he was to taking her in his arms and burying his face in her hair and forgetting…forgetting all that he had to do, throwing it all to fate, but he couldn't run away from his destiny, he had learned that the hard way, hadn't he? And even though he was tempted…oh, so tempted to give in to the sweet emotions her eyes promised, he couldn't bring her that additional pain. 

Which was why he had to play the fool, the asshole and make her hate him.  Even if he knew she wouldn't hate him for very long, she could hold on to that anger when…when the time came.  She could hold on to that anger to get her through and eventually, she'd forget him.  Eventually, his memory would only be a dull ache, one that she could push back easily everytime she reminded herself that he had chosen to leave her for another woman, that he had chosen death with another woman over life with her…but sometimes…

He stopped and doubled over, breathing hard. 

…sometimes, he was so tempted…

So tempted to tell her the truth, to tell her that he understood…that he knew that Kikyo was dead and that he knew he didn't owe her anything.  That he wanted a life with Kagome.  He clenched his teeth and tasted the salty metallic flavor of his own blood as it dripped from his lips into his mouth.  His fist clenched in anger and he rammed it into he nearest tree, knocking off a chunk.  He wanted a life with Kagome, damnit! 

He lifted his head and roared at the sky. 

It wasn't fair!

He punched at the tree again, another chunk felled to the ground.   And again he swiped at it, growling low in his throat, attempting to not cry out, biting back the tears and the scream bubbling up in his throat. 

It wasn't fair, damnit! 

For so long now, he hadn't let himself form the thought in his mind, but now he seemed powerless against it as his fist pummeled the helpless tree. 

Why do I have to die?

Why do I have to leave her? 

Why can't I stay with her? 

Haven't I suffered enough?

Haven't you had enough of your kicks at my expense?

Isn't it enough you took my father and mother? 

You took my first love too, made her hate me…

And now…

Heaving, he fell to the ground.  He blinked back tears stinging his eyes. 

Now, that I've found someone I could trust again…someone I could and do love again…why do I have to leave her?

He looked up at the sky again, as if expecting an answer.

Why did you bring her into my path only to have me feel this pain?

Haven't I paid enough? Surely, I've exceeded expectations?!

He felt the shift in the air around him and closed his eyes before looking before lowering his face and slowly opening his eyes to meet the eyes of the woman standing before him. 

"Why?" he whispered, his voice hoarse and still a little breathless.

"Why what, Inuyasha?" the woman spoke, her voice soft and almost emotionless, except that it wasn't.  Except that it was full of emotion, full of love and understanding. 

"Why…" Inuyasha was standing suddenly but he didn't remember moving.  He could hardly believe he was questioning her, but the pain was still too raw, the argument still too fresh, the look in Kagome's eyes still too vibrant.  "Why…must I die?"  He couldn't keep the anger from his face, his voice as he questioned her.  "If I do these things that you ask of me…can you show me now, that my death won't be in vain?"  He motioned around him.  "That it'll make any kind of difference?" 

She smiled and the look was love.  "You know the answer to that," she answered.  "You knew even before I first came to you three years ago."

He closed his eyes against the look in hers and shook his head.  "I don't want to die," he whispered.  "I don't want to loose her," he admitted.  "Now that I've found her," he opened his eyes.  "Why do I have to loose her?" The woman looked on, her face serene and beautiful.  "Then it was different…"he started.  "Then I was inspired and now…now I'm sad and tired…tired of fighting…" he looked up at her and could feel the tears brimming his eyes.  "Tired of fighting her, of fighting love…and I'm…I'm scared…" he took a step toward her and stopped as he realized what he was doing, but he couldn't make himself stop from speaking.  Not now…not if there was a chance.  "Isn't there another way?" he plead.

She wasn't smiling, but somehow didn't look as if she were frowning.  "Would you pick someone to take your place?"

He shook his head.  "No, of course not," he answered immediately.  "I couldn't."

"Would you have me pick someone else?" she asked. 

"No!" he exclaimed.  "No, but why must anyone?" he demanded. 

"You did not ask these questions three years ago."

"Three years ago…" he let his voice trail off.  "Three years ago I was young and stupid and in pain, and I didn't know…" he stopped and swallowed.  "I didn't know what I'd be giving up, I didn't realize…" he shook his head again.  "I've changed," he looked up at her, met her eyes.  "Surely, you must see it."  He took another step toward her.  "Why did you put her in my path if I wasn't meant to fall in love with her?" he questioned.  "Why would you mean for me to fall in love with her if I couldn't…" he stopped for fear of his voice breaking.  "…if I couldn't keep her?"  He remembered what it felt like those first few months that he realized he had lost Kikyo.  "Why would you do this to her?" he questioned.  "Why would you…put her through that pain…?"

"I?" the woman asked, mildly surprised.  He met her eyes and she shook her head gracefully.  "I could not have made her fall in love with you."  She smiled as if she were explaining a simple trick to a child.  "Your emotions are your own," she paused for a moment at his look of incredulity.

He had his face in his hands again.  "But why would you let her?" he questioned.  "I've tried," he sighed.  "I've tried so hard to spare her this pain," his voice was drained.  "I'm only a man," he spoke.  "And I've been tempted, but you know I've tried…I've made her hate me, I've hurt her at the moment so she'd hate me, but she still…" he broke off and took a deep breath.  He looked up at her and his face was resigned.  "But I'm tired…I'm so sad and tired…could you ask as much from any other man?" he shook his head.  "Her heart is so pure, why would you want to put her through that pain?"  He shook his head.  "Surely there's another way?" 

Suddenly, she was standing right before him, and her hand was outstretched, and she was gently caressing his cheek, like a mother would to a child.  "Three years ago, I came to you and I presented your alternatives to you," she reminded him.  "I told you there was a choice, and you chose to start on this path…"

The path I have chosen, he thought.

"But surely the path has changed!" he exclaimed.  "Did you intend for her to show up?  Did her showing up not alter the path?"

"I have only set out your path, and her path," she admitted softly.  "I did not intend for anything, my son," she told him.  "I only advise you, I have only tried to prepare you…" she trailed off as he met her eyes and there was pity in her blue ethereal eyes.  Pity and love.  "And yet, you know what it is you must do," she shook her head.  "I cannot make you do it.  Your will is your own," she pointed out.  "But when the time comes, someone must die," she said simply.  "If it is not you, then someone else must, it is the way of things, the way it must go and not even I can change that." 

He fell to his knees, lowering his head into her palm, closing his eyes.  "Sweet Kami," he whispered.  "I don't want to leave her," he admitted.  "But I don't want to hurt her even more…"

"Then why do you fight with her?" she asked.

"To make her hate me…if she hates me, she won't mourn me…"

"And for three years…"

"Three years…" Inuyasha whispered, his voice choked on the tears in his throat.  "Feels like 90."

"Do you think she hates you?" she asked.

Inuyasha thought about it for only a moment, before he half-laughed, half-sobbed.  "No, oh, Kami, she doesn't, but, I don't want to hurt her when…"

"You hurt her regardless…" Inuyasha looked up to meet her eyes.  "You were right, Inuyasha, her heart is pure and her love is pure…you cannot make her hate you, do you understand that?  Could she make you hate her?"  Inuyasha closed his eyes and shook his head softly.  "Then why do you try?"  He looked at her in surprise.  "You are wasting time, my son," she told him.  "Precious time that you have with her."

"But she will feel pain, and I…"

She shushed him gently with a hand on his lips.  "She has her path to travel as well, Inuyasha, did you ever think of that?" 

Inuyasha blinked.  "Your saying…"

"You cannot keep her from pain, Inuyasha…not this kind of pain…no one can, not now that she has chosen her own path…"

"So it is useless to try…" he said dejectedly. 

"Your will is your own," she repeated.

He lowered his head and her hand fell away.  "Alright," he spoke, his voice gruff through the knot in his throat. 

Why am I scared to finish what I started?

Did I start this?

Images of Naraku and youkai and mistakes piled atop mistakes flooded his mind.  He didn't start this…

I didn't start this!

"I'll die."  He looked up at her.  Her eyes were understanding and love, compassion and sympathy.  "But take me now…" he asked.  "Please?  Not in front of them…don't make her watch it, don't make her live that moment, experience it so that she could relive it over and over in her mind, always wondering..." he stood up and exhaled slowly.  "Take me there now…let me finish this now…"

Before I change my mind…

"When the time comes, Inuyasha…I cannot change that."  She touched his head and he felt a calm steel over his senses, a calm like he got when he looked at the ocean, like when he stared up at the stars…like when he got lost in Kagome's smile…and suddenly he understood…he understood what she meant about love and loving, and fate…Kagome loved him and he loved her and he could never spare her the pain of losing him anymore than she could spare him the pain of losing her…

He felt a cool breeze and suddenly he couldn't feel her any longer, but her voice, sweet and soothing, like the scent of flowers in the spring air caressed him like a hand.   "Love as if there were no tomorrow," her voice said.  "Live as if you will never die…"

…but he could spare her the pain of the moment…he could love her…

Everyday…as if there were no tomorrow…


A/N:  Yeah, so there you go.  I did warn you, didn't I?  Now, don't you want to go and hear the song from the movie or the play?  It's actually a pretty good movie.  It totally caught me by surprise, if it hadn't been for my best friend, I probably never would've seen it.  I've never seen the play, but I can vouch for the movie. 

Oh, yeah, and reviews are, as always welcome.