Naruto Primer: All
"Haha." Sasuke laughed to himself as the commercials to his television program started. "That crazy cat. He'll never catch Jerry."
Suddenly, he realized that someone else was in the room. He looked up to see Neji standing over him so he quickly sprung up and used the remote to turn off the television. "So is it all right to just walk into someone else's house?!" he demanded.
"Sorry." Said Neji. "I DID knock, but you didn't come to the door so I just let myself in."
"That's obvious." Said Sasuke. "What do you want?"
"Well, I figured you might like to know that your evil brother has been to town on at least five different occasions, each within two days of each other." Neji replied. "And it's been two days since he last came."
"Oh." Said Sasuke. "Thanks for telling me…um…Neji."
"No, I wasn't telling you." Neji replied. "I just figured this was the safest place for me while he's in town."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Sasuke said. "He's out to kill me!"
"No." said Neji. "He's avoiding you, YOU'RE out to kill HIM. He's out to kill me for whatever reason. And Kiba and Naruto. And, actually, pretty much everyone who isn't you."
"WHAT?!" Sasuke yelled irrationally. "If he's in town then I'm going to have to go out and kill him!"
"No, no, if you went out then he'd probably leave town."
"And…if you went out?"
"Then he'd probably stay. And try to kill me."
"What if…you went out and then…I was with you?"
"I think he'd leave anyway. He REALLY doesn't want to see you."
"So the only way he'd stay in town for me to kill him is if I'm not there?" Sasuke said, slowly raising his hands in the form of a hand seal.
"Yeah, I suppose." Neji replied. But then he noticed that Sasuke was performing a hand seal and suddenly got on the defensive. "What are you doing?"
"Sorry, Neji, but some sacrifices must be made." He said. "My brother must die. Shindainishin no Jutsu!"
The two were overtaken with white light and, obviously, it eventually cleared. We've seen this done a few times before so we should hope that you would know the drill by now.
Neji and Sasuke stared at each other for a moment.
"What…did you do." Said Sasuke finally.
"Sorry, but if he's looking for you then this is my best chance to kill him." Neji replied.
There was another long pause until Sasuke raised his right and. "Right…" he said slowly as he looked to his right hand. Then, just as slowly, he looked at his left hand as he raised that one as well. "Left. Wow, you guys have it so easy."
That's when Neji began looking around. "I have never been so confused as to my location in the room in my life." He announced. "This won't do at all."
"So are you going to give me my body back?" Sasuke asked.
"No." said Neji. "If I went outside as myself then whose to say that my evil brother won't just run away then?! I'll have to go out as someone else, namely you, and find a different person who doesn't have such odd vision!"
"Some people would call 360 degree vision an advantage." Sasuke said.
"Yes but, I guess it's one of those things that you have to be used to." Neji answered. "As of right now, I don't even know where I am in my own house. I don't even know which direction I'm facing. I swear I will never make fun of you because you don't know directions again."
Neji then proceeded to stumble around foolishly in attempt to move towards the door. Then, being the battle genius he is, he concocted a brilliant plan and stuck his hand out in front of him. "Aha!" he said. "THERE'S the front."
"I usually base my position on my blind angle." Said Sasuke.
"Neji, be quiet, I'm on a mission." Said Neji as he followed the direction of his hand. "You stay here so that Itachi doesn't think that I'm trying to kill him and leave while I'm finding him." He followed his hand out the door and hurried off to find either someone to switch bodies with or Itachi.
After waiting for a moment, Sasuke realized that he wasn't about to just sit around as Sasuke, the real one, ran around in his body. He walked around for a little while, looking around, seeing what it was like to not have 360 degree vision. He was actually quite happy with it because he could always tell where he was and where he was going and he could observe that certain things were on the left side of him while other things were on the right side.
He quickly found himself (of course, Sasuke is inside of him) talking to Kiba (the real one).
"WHAT'S GOING ON?!" Neji suddenly yelled, turning around and yelling at Sasuke.
Sasuke jumped in surprise.
"I'll see you two later!" said Kiba. "I'm off to kill my evil brother!" With that, he ran off as fast as he could.
"I'm getting dizzy!" Neji yelled as he took some lame steps to either side of him and then almost fell over but Sasuke grabbed his shoulders to steady him.
"Are you Kiba?" Sasuke asked. Neji nodded. "So Sasuke switched bodies with you?"
"What, you're not Sasuke?" Neji asked.
"No, I'm Neji." Sasuke replied.
"How did that happen?!" Neji demanded.
"Come on, we have to follow Sasuke!" said Sasuke, grabbing Neji's arm and guiding him along as they chased after Kiba.
Kiba, meanwhile, was having his share of troubles. Not only did every passing dog have something to say to him but his ridiculously heightened sense of smell was overwhelming him to no end.
"Why isn't anyone normal around here?!" he demanded to himself. That's when he saw Shino off in the distance walking with his photo album of bugs.
"Hello Kiba." Said Shino.
"Shino, you don't mind if we switch bodies, do you?" said Kiba as he immediately performed the hand seals to the Shindainishin no Jutsu without even waiting for Shino's response.
Neji and Sasuke just so happened to catch up with him in time to see the white light.
It didn't take Sasuke (the real one who is inside of Shino) very long to realize that it wasn't one of his best ideas to leap into Shino. He stood there being horrified and appalled and didn't move for a minute.
"Oh." Said Kiba, putting his hands on his hips. "It IS the ants in the pants. I feel so relieved for the first time."
The REAL Sasuke had to get out of Shino's body. It was FAR too uncomfortable in there.
Shino used the Shindainishin no Jutsu on the first person who just so happened to wander by. And that was Hinata who was on a walk with Sakura and Ino.
"Sasuke, you have to stop this rampage!" Sasuke said, grabbing onto Hinata.
"No!" said Hinata. "I am on a mission to find my evil brother and kill him! You following me around is defeating the whole purpose of switching bodies with random people! He's probably running away!"
"Eee…" said Shino weakly as he waved his arms around. "I don't like this… What's going on?"
"Sasuke, did you use the Shindainishin no Jutsu again?" Ino asked Sasuke.
"No, I'm not Sasuke!" said Sasuke, pointing at Hinata. "That's Sasuke! Right? You are Sasuke, right?"
"No, I'm Sakura." Whined Hinata.
"What?" said everyone.
"I didn't want to be a Hyuuga anymore." Sakura said. "I can't handle it."
"It's not fair!" cried Neji who could hardly even stand up straight.
"Well I certainly can't beat Itachi in this body." Said Sakura, looking down at herself. "Now, I've been all of you already and you've all had your drawbacks. I'll switch you all back later, don't worry. I just need to borrow your bodies for a little while."
She turned to Ino and performed the Shindainishin no Jutsu and switched with her.
"Why'd you do that?!" Sakura demanded.
"Well, it's just that I've never really seen Sakura do anything so I figured anybody's got to be more powerful than her…" Ino replied.
"HEY!" said Hinata. "Ino is equally as unpowerful as I am!"
"Now I have a big forehead!" complained Sakura.
"I'm in a hurry!" Ino announced as she ran off, leaving the huge crowd only to watch her go.
"Come on, we have to get him…or…her, or er…" Sasuke said slowly. "Let's just go!" Then they all took off after Ino. Except for Neji and Hinata of course who turned inwards and crashed into each other.
"I can't see where I'm going!" said Neji.
"Neither can I!" Hinata said.
Ino was searching for Itachi when she spotted Chouji walking out of… you know, that restaurant. That restaurant with the grill in the middle. Yeah, THAT restaurant.
"Hi Ino!" said Chouji.
"Out of personal comfort, I think I'd rather be a man." Said Ino as she stopped and performed the hand seals.
"…Okay…" said Chouji slowly.
"Shindainishin no Jutsu!" Ino said as she switched with Chouji.
There was silence.
"Wha…?" Ino said obliviously after the switch had occurred.
"I'll return your body later." Chouji said, saluting Ino and running off.
Ino didn't have a moment to stand there in a confused state before she was jumped by a mass of people who were in the wrong bodies.
"Switch us back, Sasuke!" commanded Sasuke.
"I'm not Sasuke!" said Ino. "I'm Chouji! Ino stole my body!"
"I'M Ino!" said Sakura.
"If you're Ino than who…" started Ino.
"Obviously we're looking for Sasuke." Said Sasuke.
"And you're not Sasuke?" Ino questioned.
"No, I'm Neji." Sasuke replied.
"How did this all happen?" asked Ino.
"We don't have time for that." said Kiba. "In case it never occurred to any of you, but if Sasuke ruins just ONE body then we'll all be stuck like this forever."
"We have to find him!" said Shino since he didn't like being where he was.
The huge group began their migration again and quickly found Chouji.
"You're not Sasuke, are you?" Neji asked.
"No, I'm Shikamaru." Chouji replied. "Chouji came up to me a few seconds ago and declared that he was out of shape. Then, I guess, he switched with me."
"No, I'm Chouji!" said Ino.
"If you're Chouji then where's Ino?" asked Chouji.
"We already went through this!" said Sasuke. "We have to find Sasuke and get us all back into our bodies!"
"And…you're not Sasuke I take it?" Chouji asked.
"I SWEAR we went through this." Said Sakura.
"Shikamaru, where did Sasuke go?" asked Hinata.
"Um…that way?" Chouji replied, pointing.
They turned around only to encounter Lee and Naruto.
"Don't tell me that you guys switched bodies too!" said Ino.
"We did!" said Lee. "How'd you know?"
"So which one of you is Shikamaru?" asked Sasuke.
"I'M Shikamaru." Said Chouji, sounding annoyed.
"Yeah but…then where's your body?" Sasuke said. Chouji shrugged. "Then one of you two are Sasuke?"
"No, you're Sasuke." Said Naruto. "I'm Lee."
"And I'm Naruto!" Lee chimed.
"Wait…you two just switched bodies with each other?" said Neji.
"Well yeah!" said Naruto. "We saw Chouji and Shikamaru do it and then Naruto and I got in a conversation about how cool it was when we changed bodies LAST time so we decided to do it again!"
The others could only look upon Naruto and Lee as if they were morons.
"So Sasuke's still out there in Shikamaru's body?" said Ino.
"No," said Shikamaru, coming up behind him. "He just switched bodies with me."
"Who are you then?" asked Sasuke.
"I'm Kakashi." Shikamaru replied.
"Does that mean we're looking for Kakashi now?!" demanded Neji.
"Yup." Shikamaru answered.
The mass groaned and ran off to find Kakashi.
Shikamaru paused for a moment and watched them leave. He smiled deviously and turned around. "Now that they're all out of the way, I can search for Itachi and kill him in peace!" he said, laughing to himself slightly. He went to take a step forward to search for his evil brother only to find that he couldn't move.
"Ha!" said Neji, facing the wrong direction, but it's not like it mattered.
"With my newly acquired dog-like hearing, I was able to hear you say that." Said Kiba.
"And I was able to catch you with my extra large shadow." Said Chouji.
"Shikamaru!" said Ino. "That wasn't nice!"
"I'm sorry, Chouji." Said Chouji. "I wasn't thinking."
"It's all right, Shikamaru." Said Ino.
"So now let's stop all this and return us to our regular bodies." Sasuke said.
"No, I have to find my evil brother." Said Shikamaru.
"If you were listening then you'd know that he's not actually in town, I just figured he would be because he had apparently been following a pattern." Sasuke tried to explain.
"What?" said Shikamaru.
"This was all just a huge misunderstanding?" complained Sakura.
"And we got stuck in the middle of it." said Shino, shaking his head.
"Are you serious?" Shikamaru said, looking more annoyed than ever. "I hate you Neji. And now I will kill you."
"Not if I kill you first." Said Sasuke.
"Well, I'm not going to kill you while you're in my body." Said Shikamaru.
"Let's just fix this, okay?" said Neji. "Because I really feel like I'm going to pass out or something. And I can't go back into my body until Shino's out of it."
"And Hinata has to get out of mine." Kiba said.
"I really want to." Said Shino.
"Wait, what exactly is the problem?" said Naruto. "You guys are all switched around? All of you?"
"Well YEAH." Said some annoyed person who was in the wrong body.
"All right, it looks like this calls for a big group hug." Said Hinata.
"And we all have to say that we love each other." Sakura reminded them.
Everyone latched onto each other as a huge mass of adolescents. They all yelled, "I LOVE YOU!!" It was very heartwarming even though it was filled with much hate. And the only reason why we had this chapter be so confusing and elaborate was because we wanted everything to end with a big group hug and everyone chuckling warmly as a black circle engulfed them.
Everyone chuckled warmly as a black circle engulfed them.
Then, as always, the circle opened up and Tenten was standing there.
"What about me?!" she demanded. "Why wasn't I included in the group hug?! Just because I don't even have a last name doesn't mean—"
But she was promptly silenced by the black circle.
And, in case you didn't catch that, it's over now. See ya'll next time!!
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