'deliver me ...'

now i know, that´s all i´m able to remember ... all that´s left, in my heart and my mind ... after all those years, now i´m able to ... forgive?

this night, when every thing seemed to turn upside down and my world maybe changed. a memory, written with blood ...

act one: decision?

silence ... that´s all what´s left, after this voice of him. silence and a strange kind of solitude. now, it is my turn, my part for a move to do, but i don´t know in which direction i´d turn. there is something i don´t want to lose, something i´d never find again.

our eyes meet and we both try to read in each other´s. i knew, i´d to fail, whatever hard i´d try it. moreover, i´d be alone once more. i don´t want to, but i would. his eyes have a strange touch of emotion; somehow, i almost supposed their color changed a little into a darker shade. why do i think, he looks lost, forlorn, broken and alone? in addition, why seemed this impression touch a part in my heart ... deeper than anything did i´d known before with raoul?

i´d follow my heart, that´d be the best of all options. but how to handle something that´s shattered and confused? i don´t know what to do ... i don´t want to leave all of this here, but ... there´s something that always ends. and yet, i´ve to leave someone ... not only literally, but in reality. i´m afraid ... so very afraid that i´d do wrong, that i´d move to the wrong path ...

his eyes, so empty, almost without any hope, so alone ... i move myself some steps closer, trying to find something alive in him, something that´s not so very cold ... not almost as deathly as his touch sometimes seems to be. but in his song, he´s more than alive, he lives in his words and notes and scales, each one of them he let come alive. he lives in them, as much as we do in the light of day. and yet ...

my gaze turns to raoul. another different kind of life, safe, somehow bourgeoisie, obligated to his society. maybe i´m also alone there, a home, children i´d maybe not be allowed to raise on my own ... and ... no more song, that would be certain, for sure. i know, i´d die without, my soul would die like a flower without any water. is money really everything we want to have for ourselves, could we save a dying soul with it? would love - our love - be strong enough for this? would we share the kind of life we´re maybe dreaming of - but is this the very same dream, or will we be in two different worlds of our own?

what is love for, it it´s not for something that could touch the farthest clouds in a dream, to put two different worlds together to one?

he´s alive ... in the light of the day, but would he care of the things that maybe hurt me one day, things of which he maybe had never give a second thought to. we´re no children any more and yet, i´m the one who don´t want to grow up at last ...

my gaze shifts back to erík, and yet when i once more look in his eyes, i´m looking into my very own one. would i need one of them, aside of this all ... would i need someone who takes care of me, who feeds me and gives me the things i´d maybe need? on the other hand, would i be able to live an independent life on my own, not attached to anyone by the means of society? even if it´s not permitted by society at all? would i be brave enough for this?

his gaze touches my eyes, his breath almost seems to linger somewhere between my hair and my cheek. and yet, he´s too far away to let me reach him with my hand, he´s too far away in his own darkness to see ... as much as i´m too far away to see. he backs more away in this darkness of his own, the look of fear in his golden eyes, maybe thinking how to handle the negative of my answer.

i bend down and fetch the fragile fabric of the veil which he´d put in my hair some time ago, letting it run through my finger, still not sure what to do. my heart maybe knows the answer of this, but ... will it be truthful?

with some steps, i try to close the distance between us, but once more, he turns away. what is he doing ... what does he want, really, in his own heart?