act four: despair

she moves forward, the veil clutched between her fingers, forcing me to take some more steps back. what the hell is she up to do, to corner me and making me unable to move any longer? ripping away the last remains of my dignity? and all in front of this ... wretched ... little boy? what is she thinking, what does she expect me to do?

suddenly she stops after doing one last step, lifting her gaze in my direction again, and reaching out the veil. i´m also doing one more step and begin to feel the wall behind me. wonderful, if she wanted to corner me, she achieved her goal! i start to feel uncomfortable and somehow i wish once more i´d be at another place. this is not what i´d intended to happen, this was totally out of my planned concept. she´s just standing there and watching me, maybe thinking to her self what i´m up to do. honestly, i plainly don´t have any idea about what to do. i suppose, her decision, however it´d be in the end, is final. time to learn things to accept that are not allowed for someone like me, let the dream shatter and the illusion fade away ...

living, dying, isn´t it all the same in the end? she still offers me the veil, still looking into my eyes and trying to find the answer she wants so desperately to be there. nevertheless, for what should i take the veil? to accept a treacherous bargain? oh, i forgot ... what could ever be there for me to be hold by my hand?

obviously she wants me to trust in her last decision, in something that´s nothing else than an empty game, something without any little piece of essence. can´t she see how much this all might hurt me? no, she won´t see, i suppose. sometimes killing could be very easy ...

with a groan of frustration, i rip the fabric out of her hand. just free her of a burden she would ne´er ever accept. on the other hand, wouldn´t it be much easier if i throw it into the fire?

'so, this is your decision?', i can hear my own voice asking with a tone of bitterness in it. 'i´ll be only too kind to finish this task for you.' she just stands there, unable to move in any direction and looking at me with wide eyes. did i catch a small hint of disappointment in her eyes? this must be a trick, played by the shadows of the flames, i think. why should she ...? for a moment, i think about letting the veil fall into the flames, and the fabric seems to float through the air. with a quick movement, i catch it once more. 'you want me to put this into the fire and let it burn down to ashes?', i go on, stopping my move midair. why does she shake her head? trying to tell me no, don´t burn it? 'i see ...', i continue, 'i shall tear it to pieces and throw them in the fire. you want it more dramatically, don´t you?' i feel my voice growing colder, dripping more and more with sarcasm. what am i doing here, what am i thinking i´d do in the end? kill him, or worse, her? once more, she shakes her head. obviously she tries to tell me something, but somehow i`m not able to grasp the concept. a tide of rage washes through me, somehow i feel a bit more than just disappointed, maybe emptiness too. this here ... i don´t know ... 'he would be glad to see our relationship closed, however he also wanted to die for you ... gladly i suppose, if it means to set you free ... from me ...' somehow, i´d lost control of everything that was going on here. thoughts´re running through my hands, thoughts i´m not able to grasp. there´s so much that should not be, that should never have been. too late now, too late, for every thing. the chessboard has to be moved on. 'am i that horrible, christiné daaè, am i such a creature full of ... hideousness ...?' and once more she shakes her head with wide eyes. i suppose there´s nothing more to say after all. 'i understand, you don´t want to talk to me.', i said with a sad undertone. there was some thing I wanted to add, but I cannot open my mouth. instead, i open my fingers and the veil drifted through the air, it looks as if it wants to land in the hearth. i only stand there and watch its way with dreamy eyes. is this the decision i´d craved for, the answer to every thing and yet nothing at all? from far away i hear a voice splitting in a scream. 'noooo ...!'

she has her voice again, i think coldly. she can speak. but she doesn't want to speak to you. for what do i want an answer, only to hear another lie? it´s true, there are things that hurt beyond all. once more, an old fear grows inside my self, and against all odds, i only want to run ... far away. maybe it´d be better this way ...

somehow, the veil eventually drops down and lands on the stone in front of the hearth. once little piece of it touches a lose shred of wood and sets the fragile fabric on fire. i watch its turn to ashes with fascination.

she, on the other hand, can´t believe what she´s watching.