a little ficlet that kinda just begged me to be written ^^;;
:sighs: i know i should continue journal, but my mom took my back up files, wiped my computer memory, and is disallowing me most internet priviledges [which means that all instant messenger systems have been uninstalled !_!] so.. .:coughs: until my punishment for accidentally deleting her unsaved version of her thesis is over [i've been on solid punishments for several months] this is all i get to update
on a side note, :crosses fingers and hope they read this out of sheer curiousity: to TamChronin: waaaah, gomen ne :sweatdrops: i got set on punishment again- which means that i don't get to sneak around online either until i talk my cousin into bending the rules for me and letting me use her computer, or until i sleep over at a friend's house, so... :coughs: yeah :is ashamed of self: [can you be patient and let me catch up on reviews, slowly, now that school is back in session and i can use the computers there? ~.^]
and to six underground: lee-chaaaaaan!!!! :glomps: so long no talk !_! [all my fault i know] i've given up on ever managing to get my mother happy with me again, so i think i'll have to mail you megami kouhosei, but i lost your address !_! :sniffles:, ano, can you email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org? [the only email address i'm still allowed to access -.-;;]
[i own not cardcaptor sakura]
It hurts and he swears that it shouldn't because it's been so long, but still..... Even now, years afterwards, he wants to just die. Wants to just end it all because there's nothing worse than finding your soulmate then loosing him because of what they both would've thought was a stupid mistake. It hurts so much, and even now every smile is false, every laugh is hollow, every emotion is empty.
Sometimes she asks why he looks so sad and he can't tell her. All he can do is look away then force another empty smile and change the subject. It's times like that that he'll sometimes make an excuse and spend hours alone in his room, the words to destructive spells on his lips, prescription pills that never worked close enough for him to swallow, and his fingers caressing sharp knives, their blades parting his skin and letting his blood weep for him because he no long remembers how.
Sometimes he almost goes all the way, but when he even comes close he remembers him, and remembers his promise and he curses and blasts everything far away from him. He's never broken a promise, not to himself, not to her, and never to him.
So he can't kill himself. Instead he forces himself to live. Wakes up every morning and smiles at her and tries to feel guilty for wishing he was smiling at his other. Tries to feel something, anything. Everyday he fails, and every day he wakes up and tries again.
There are a few times that that chasm is actually bridged. When his son smiles at him from behind his face and his ancestor's eyes, or his daughter from her ancestor's face and her mother's eyes. Then he feels pride, love, and affection- because his children are his, Sakura's, and somehow Eriol's. So he wakes up every day for them.
And he wakes up because Eriol had told him to live and goddammit he would.
He'd live until he stopped breathing because he loved him and he never broke a promise.
-_-;;; i have no idea were that came from, nor do i have any idea why