THE MYSTERIES OF STAR WARS

THE MYSTERIES OF STAR WARS

By Trace Kyshad

Mystery 1

LUKE : "What kind of name is Skywalker?"

ANAKIN : "I dunno, maybe it means we can fly or something."

LUKE : "Doubtful, the Force isn't that strong…"

ANAKIN : "Yes it is, I'm sure Force Levitation exists."

LUKE : "Well I don't know it, that's for sure!"

ANAKIN : "Hmmmm"

OBI-WANN : "What's up guys?"

LUKE : "Do you know what 'Skywalker' is supposed to mean?"

OBI : "Um… Someone that walks in the sky?"

ANAKIN : "Well, DUH!"

OBI : "Why exactly?"

LUKE : "Just wondering if my name has any special meaning."

OBI : "Well, there's Darth Maul, that's kinda obvious…"

LUKE "How so?"

OBI : "Well, I think 'Darth' is a mix between 'Dark' and 'Sith'."

ANAKIN : "Hey! You're right!"

OBI : "And 'Maul' is simple."

LUKE : "What about Vader?"

OBI : "No Idea on that one…"

ANAKIN : "Or Sebulba?"

OBI : "Hmmm, only relation I can see is, Sebulba and Bulbasaur."

LUKE : "Bulba what?"

OBI : "Never mind."

ANAKIN : "Ok then, what about…"

LUKE : "…Sidious?"

OBI : "Hmm, rhymes with 'Hidious'!"

LUKE : *Laughs* "What about Nemoidian?"

OBI : "'Annoy'dian?"

ANAKIN : "Jabba the Hutt?"

OBI : "Hmm, Jibber the…. I dunno."

LUKE : "Pizza the Hutt."

ANAKIN : "That jokes been done!"

LUKE : "Has it?"

OBI : "Yeah."

LUKE : "Oh."

Mystery 2

QUI-GONN : "Hmm, how do you spell that Gungan city again?"

AMIDALA : "Ummm, how about Otto Gunga?"

QUI : "No, It's got 'Gunga' for the second bit, but what's the first?"

AMIDALA : "It's either 'Otoh' or 'Otha' or something."

QUI : "What about Otho?"

AMIDALA : "No, that's not right."

QUI : "Well, it starts with 'O'."

AMIDALA : *Pulls out comm link* "Get Boss Nass up here."

QUI : "Good Idea!"

BOSS NASS : "Youssa called?"

AMIDALA : "How do you spell that 'Otta Gunga' place?"

QUI : "Is it 'Otho' or 'Otoh'?"

NASS : *Thinks* "Hmm, meesa no know."

QUI : "WHAT? YOU LIVE THERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"

AMIDALA : "Qui Gonn calm down."

NASS : "My tinken it's 'Otah'

QUI : "No, That's not right either…"

AMIDALA : "Ah Dang!"

QUI : "What about 'Otha'?"

NASS : "Dat no right either!"

AMIDALA : "Why do you need to spell it?"

QUI : "Well I'm writing a letter to the council and I don't want to annoy the Gungans' by not spelling their city's name correctly!"

AMIDALA : "Doesn't seem to matter, they don't know how to spell it either!"

NASS : "Sheesa right!"

QUI : *Sighs* "This is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life!"

AMIDALA : "Wait a minute, you're dead!"

QUI : "Oh, yeah… that reminds me, NEXT MYSTERY!"

Mystery 3

QUI-GONN : "Promise me one thing…"

OBI-WANN : "Anything master."

QUI : "Promise you will train Anakin."

OBI : "I promise."

QUI : "He is the chosen one…. He…will..bring..balance…"

OBI : "Master! NO!"

MACE WINDU : "Hi, am I late for the Party?"

OBI : "What party?"

MACE : "Heard there was a fight!"

OBI : "Qui-Gonn's dead! My Master has been killed!"

MACE : "Really? Then why is he still there?"

OBI : "What?"

MACE : "I though Jedi disappear when they die, and turn up as blue ghosts?"

OBI : "Hey! You're right!"

MACE : "Like you, Anakin and Yoda! They did that!"

OBI : *looks at Qui-Gonn's body* "Weird!"

MACE : "Maybe he'll do it later."

OBI : "Maybe we have to do something to get him to disappear."

MACE : "Like?"

OBI : "We could cremate him…"

MACE : "That might help."

OBI : "Ok then! Whose got the matches…"

Later… at the Funeral

OBI : "He's still not disappearing."

MACE : "There's a smell of burning Jedi here."

YODA : "Still here, he is!"

OBI : "Anything else we have to do before he goes?"

MACE : "Why don't we sing a song or something?"

YODA : "Are you MAD!?"

MACE : "What?"

OBI : "I can't sing! And anyway, what would we sing?"

MACE : "'Bye Bye Baby?'"

YODA : *Shakes head* "No NO nO!"

OBI : "Hey wait! Look!

*Qui Gonn's ghost appears, he looks at his burning body, still there*

QUI : "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!"

OBI : "Well…. You wouldn't disappear like normal Jedi!"

MACE : "So we had to improvise…"

YODA : "…and set fire to you, we did."

QUI : "Well I can see that!"

OBI : "No hard feelings?"

QUI : "The hell! I hope they burn you when you die!"

OBI : "No, I'll be ready for it!"

MACE : "What burning?"

OBI : "NOO! Dying!"

YODA : "OH right."

QUI : "I think I'm going to be sick…"

MACE : "Anyone for a Jedi Burger?"

JAR JAR : "My tink meesa gonna hurl!"

ANAKIN : "Me too!"

YODA : "Hey… wait a minute!"

MACE : "What?"

YODA : "The Whole Jedi council here, there is…"

OBI : "And?"

YODA : "Hard the darkside may be to see, but all here, we are!"

MACE : "What's your point?"

YODA : "Palpatine! Think we could sense the darkness in him, we could!"

OBI : "He's right, there's an entire Jedi Council sitting beside him and he doesn't even shiver!"

MACE : "Maybe he's not evil?"

YODA : "Are you kidding? We should be able to SMELL his evilness!"

MACE : "Sorry… that's me!"

OBI : *Sighs* "They should call you Mace 'Windy'!"

KIADI MUNDI : "Holy Crap! What the Hell is that smell!"

OBI : "Mace just passed gas."

YODA : "Jesus!"

ANAKIN : "Burning Jedi and Force Fart! Cut my nose off, QUICK!"

PALPATINE : "I don't feel well…"

YODA : "Get me out of here!"

JAR JAR : *Keels over, along with Boss Nass and Anakin*

ADI GALLIA : "I wish I was dead!"

QUI : "Trust me you don't, they'll burn you the first chance they get!"

OBI : "You're still mad at me for that?"

QUI : "Hell yeah!"

Mystery 4

LANDO : "So who the Hell are you?"

BOBBA FETT : "Who me?"

LANDO : "Yeah!"

FETT : "I'm not telling!"

LANDO : "Go on…"

FETT : "No."

LANDO : "Please?"

FETT : "NO!"

LANDO : *whistles* "Chewie! Get over here!"

FETT : "Uh oh…"

CHEWIE : *Stomps in and roars*

LANDO : "Be a good boy and tell me who you are now."

FETT : "Never!"

LANDO : "Chewie? Rip his arms off."

CHEWIE : 'Roar'

FETT : "AAAARRRRGH! GET OFF!"

LANDO : "Tell me who you really are?"

FETT : "OK OK!! JUST GET THIS WALKING CARPET OFF ME!"

LANDO : "Chewie! Sit!"

CHEWIE : 'Roar'

LANDO : "Now then…"

FETT : *Removes helmet* "There you are then. *Sighs*

LANDO : "Noooo, It can't be!"

FETT : "That's right!"

LANDO : "It's, It's…. Wicket!?!?!?"

FETT/WICKET : "Yup! It's me!"

HAN SOLO : "EH? WHAT THE HELL?!??!"

LANDO : "Alright, enough! Next mystery!"

CHEWIE : 'Roar'

Mystery 5

VADER : "Luke…. I am your father!"

LUKE : "NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo, It's not true!"

VADER : "Search your feelings, you know it to be true!"

LUKE : "Noooooo… hey wait a minute! Whose your father?"

VADER : "Hmm, good question!"

LUKE : "And whose my Mother?"

BOBA FETT : "I am!"

LUKE : "WHAT?"

BOBA FETT : *Takes of helmet, this time it is Aurra Sing*

VADER : "Hi Darling!"

AURRA SING : "Hi!"

AMIDALA : "Who the hell are you B**ch!"

SING : "I'm Luke's mother! Who the hell are you?"

AMIDALA : "The hell you are! I'm Luke's father!"

LUKE : "Ladies, lets not get angry…"

VADER : "Watch this son, cat fight time!"

AMIDALA : "Can't believe I married you! Sick Pervert!"

VADER : "Hey! Why do you think I chose the Darkside, 'Force Pull'! He he," *Nudges Luke*

LUKE : "Ummmm….. OK…."

SING : "Let's settle this now!"

AMIDALA : "Bring it on!"

Set of Jerry Springer

JERRY : "Welcome back, our topic now is 'Dad? Tell me what really happened!'."

AUDIENCE : *Cheers*

JERRY : "Today we meet Darth Vader and his son Luke, who is hiding a very important secret from him."

AUDIENCE : "BOOOO!"

JERRY : "Bring on Vader!"

AUDIENCE : "BOO! HISS! Etc"

JERRY : "So Vader? What happened between you and your son?"

VADER : "Well, the thing is, I slept with two women, and I don't know who's the mother!"

JERRY : "Who were the women?"

VADER : "Queen Amidala (Who I married) and Aurra Sing."

JERRY : "Were you still married when you slept with Sing?"

VADER : "Well…… yeah."

AUDIENCE : "BOOOO!"

JERRY : "Well, we have a guest for you today, Bring on Queen Amidala!"

QUEEN AMIDALA : *Walks on, pissed off* "You evil, sick B[Bleep]ard!"

VADER : "Hey baby!"

AMIDALA : *Kicks Vader in the 'Tender area'* "You like that?"

AUDIENCE : "Jerry! Jerry!"

JERRY : "Calm down!" *Security guards walk on to restrain Amidala, who then sits down*

VADER : "Owww…."

JERRY : "Now Amidala, why don't you tell use what happened?"

AMIDALA : "Well, when I first met him, he was a young boy. He has kind and honest and we married each other."

AUDIENCE : "Awwwww"

JERRY : "So what happened."

AMIDALA : "Well, He turned to the Drak side! He almost killed me and slept with that B[Bleep]ch Aurra Sing!"

AUDIENCE : "BOO!"

VADER : "That's not true…"

AMIDALA : "Isn't it?"

VADER : "Well, maybe it is!"

LUKE : "How could you lie to me dad? I though you loved my mother…"

VADER : "I did, for a while…"

AMIDALA : "You [Bleep]ing B[Bleep]ard!"

JERRY : "Now lets bring on Aurra Sing."

AUDIENCE : "BOOOOOO!!!!!"

SING : "Hi honey!"

VADER : "Hi baby!"

AMIDALA : *Gets up and slaps Sing in the face* "Take that you [Bleep]ch"

SING : "Why you little [Bleep]"

AMIDALA : "[Bleep] you!"

SING : "Kiss my [Bleep]!"

VADER : "Ha ha ha!"

AUDIENCE : "JERRY! JERRY!"

JERRY : "Now ladies, calm down!"

LUKE : *Sigh*

AMIDALA : "What are you laughing at you [Bleep]ing [Bleep]?!"

SING : "Shut up you little [Bleep]!"

LUKE : "Mother, don't talk to Dad like that!"

SING : "You don't know which one of us IS your mother!"

LUKE : "Oh yeah…"

AMIDALA : "Well it isn't that [Bleep] there!" *Points to Sing, who snarls at Amidala*

VADER : "Don't look at me…"

AMIDALA : "This is all your fault!"

VADER : "ME?!?!"
AMIDALA : "Yeah! You treated me like s[Bleep]t so you did!"

SING : "Don't blame him!"

AMIDALA : "What did you say?"

SING : "[Bleep] you!"

AMIDALA : "[Bleep} you too!"

JERRY : "Girls…"

AUDIENCE : "JERRY! JERRY!"

LUKE : "Stop it!"

VADER : "Get her, Sing!"

LEIA : *Walks in, and blasts Vader with her blaster*

LUKE : "Hey Leia! What was that for?"

LEIA : "That [Bleep] of a father deserved to die!"

AMIDALA : "Oh well, that settles it then!"

SING : "NO it doesn't!"

LUKE : "WHO'S MY MOTHER FOR [Bleep]'s SAKE!"

SING : "She is!"

AMIDALA : "I am?"

SING : "Yeah!"

AMIDALA : "Oh…"

JERRY : "Well, glad that's over…"

AUDIENCE : *Cheers*

JERRY : "And as a final thought, sometimes things are best kept from your family, especially if you're a Dark Lord of the Sith with an intent of destroying the Galaxy…"

AUDIENCE : *CHeers*

JERRY : "Good night!"

THE END!

TRACE KYSHAD : "What the [Bleep] was all that about?"

LUKE : "I dunno! You wrote this!"

KYSHAD : *Sigh* "Never drink too much coffee!"

ANAKIN : "WHOOPEE! CAFFINE!"

KYSHAD : "Oh c[Bleep]!"