I would like to especially dedicate this fic to Ginny Wu and Lynn Foo. Two very precious friends of mine. Ginny, for introducing me to the wonderful world of Tortall. Lynn, for being there for me and tolerating my ranting and raving.

Excuse the slight craziness and slightly sadistic nature in this fic; I'm just plain crazy at times. I have added some localism to give the story some realism, so ignore them if you don't understand them. Don't bother to flame me about my opinions, as they are, as I said, my opinions.

Warning: I am presently angry with King J, so he is going to get a walloping.

I would like to thank Faerie_gurl for lending me her idea of ranting and raving at characters. Her "Encounters with my enemy Cleon" has inspired me to do this fic.

Like Faerie_girl, I am using this fic to take a break and break out of the mould for a while. The characters are sort of OOC, unlike my other "quote based" fics, or so I like to think. I had fun lashing out at the characters and I hope you like reading this. Oh yes, the first bit may be tedious as I am laying the road rails, (excuse my imagery) but the train is worth waiting, so plough on!

Sparrow : Lost In Tortall

Part 1

Miss Tang stood menacingly in front of Sparrow, slamming her A-Math book (about 500 pages thick) on the latter's desk. The book nearly missed Sparrow's fingers and she jumped with a start. She peered cautiously at her A-Math teacher. Miss Tang always reminded Sparrow of a football player. No, not the kick the ball around a green field football. American football, where guys bash into each other to something something, erm, something. Oh well, you get the gist.

"Yes, Miss Tang?" Sparrow asked timidly.

"Stand up when you talk girl!" Miss Tang demanded.

Sparrow hastily stood up, glimpsing her classmates' sympathetic glances. The class was dead silent, which was no different from the usual. Only a person with a suicide mission would whisper during Miss Tang's class.

"Yes, Miss Tang?" Sparrow said, looking Miss Tang in the face. Sparrow didn't look at Miss Tang's face because it was particularly attractive. In fact, Miss Tang had a square face and strong bones. Very in with her character - formidable. The reason why Sparrow looked at Miss Tang was due to the simple fact that the last person that "muttered to the desk" ( may I quote from Miss Tang ) was sent to look at the corner of the classroom for the whole day since "my face is too ugly to be looked at". Sparrow's class all betted that their unlucky peer had touched a raw spot on Miss Tang. Of course, nobody won the bet as no one had the guts to ask Miss Tang herself if she minded being ugly.

"Sparrow! When you differentiate 2cos(3x + 1), what do you get?" Miss Tang said.

"Um, ah," Sparrow stammered, her brain frantically scrabbling for the answer.

"-6sin(3x + 1)," Sparrow's friend, Shu Ling mouthed at her.

"6sin…" Sparrow said slowly. Shu Ling started to mouth the answer very slowly. "(2x+1)?"

"What?" Miss Tang asked, rapping her knuckles on Sparrow's desk.

Shu Ling shook her hands violently. Miss Tang turned around and inquired in a silent, dangerous voice, "Miss Chan, what are you doing?"

Shu Ling paused, her mind quick as lightning. "My hands are cramping up," she said feebly, shaking her hands.

"And how would that be so since I have not written anything on the board for you to copy?" Miss Tang said with sudden acuteness.

Meanwhile, being behind her back, my partner, who sat next to me, kicked me. Sparrow muffled a yelp and turned her attention from the drama in front of her eyes. She wrote in her exercise book, "Bo do!"

Back in front, "Um, I was working out the question you gave to Sparrow, to see if I could do it as well," Shu Ling said and gave an angelic smile.

Miss Tang grunted. Everyone started to cover their laughter and smiles by various methods developed by long practice. The coughing method, the hide-behind-the-book method, the look-serious-cover-your-mouth method, etc…

Back at the back, Sparrow's mind went "NO, don't turn around yet!" Her partner had only written, "Bodo! The answer is -6sin(…"

"Well, Miss Sparrow? I think we have entertained the class just enough. What is the answer?" Miss Tang said.

"Er, -6sin(," Sparrow said doggedly. Shu Ling, started to hand gesture. "3x… + 1)!!" Sparrow declared triumphantly. Sparrow turned back her gaze to Miss Tang and realised her mistake. She had just violated the look-at-Miss Tang's-face-even-if-it-kills-you rule.

"Sparrow," Miss Tang growled. "For your incompetence in A-Math, I have the perfect punishment for you to spur you to greater comprehension of the subject."

To everyone's surprise, she walked over to the cupboard that contained brooms and dustpans. "You shall marry Ozorne!"

"Ozorne?" Sparrow squeaked. She looked at the grinning Stormwing in surprise. "But I am human!"

"No, you're not," Miss Tang said.

Sparrow looked down, her hands had become claws and she had metallic wings. She was a Stormwing! "NOOO!!!" She screamed…

… Sparrow woke up with a jerk. She had been dozing through Chemistry and had banged her head against the table. Everyone was presently staring at her.

"I, er, my hand slipped," Sparrow said feebly to no one in particular.

********

"ni men ke yi qu chi ni de wu chan le, (you can all go and eat your lunch)" Sparrow's Chinese teacher magnanimously declared to the class, after keeping them back for ten minutes to perfect our "cheng yu"s.

Sparrow stopped in mid tracks to the canteen when she realised that she forgot to take something. She dashed (yes she did, she didn't pass her NAFA test for nothing) up the stairs to the forth level, where the lofty secondary fours resided. She entered her classroom at a run and tripped over something.

"Ohhh how darnable!" Sparrow exclaimed. She went sliding hard on her knees and hands.

"Argh!" Sparrow muttered. She blinked, her classroom seemed brighter than usual.

"Are you all right?" A voice asked her kindly.

It was a boy's voice.

A b-o-y.

In her classroom.

In her school.

In her all girls' school.

Unless someone went under a sex change operation, this boy so did not belong in her class.

The boy helped her up to her feet. Now that Sparrow had taken in her surroundings, it was rather like, SHE so did not belong in this place. A tall lanky man with dark hair and eyes stood a few feet away. Behind him was a woman with brown hair and blue grey eyes. A couple of teenagers were standing on a corridor, holding some books and peered at her oddly. She was standing in the middle of a courtyard and there was some sort of design drawn on the ground.

"Yucks, what's that smell?" Sparrow blurted.

"Wakeflower, mixed with rosemary, garlic…" the tall, very tall man supplied.

"Numair! I don't think she wants to know what it consists of. She must be wondering where in Mithros is she!" the blue grey-eyed woman said.

"Numair?" Sparrow inquired, struck dumb. "Mithros?"

"Hoo boy, what an intelligent girl," a boy in the corridor remarked. "She's like a parrot."

"Stupid idiot," Sparrow said.

"Ah, she is more intelligent than you think. At least she recognises what you are," another boy retorted.

Numair spoke up. "I am Numair Salmalin. I am a mage and have just conducted an experiment on teleportation."

"So I am a guinea pig?" Sparrow screeched.

Numair looked pained. "Um, not exactly. I transported you from your world to Tortall. Here. The spell only lasts for about ah hour. After one hour, the spell will be over and you will be brought back into your world." Sparrow quickly started her stopwatch function on her watch.

"No, no, no, no!" Sparrow yelled. "I want to eat my Cha guai diao! I have been dreaming of eating it throughout Chinese class."

Suddenly, a plate of cha guai diao appeared in front of Sparrow. She caught the plate, startled. "What the?" Sparrow said.

"You are a conjurer?" Numair inquired.

"No, I am not. Magic doesn't exist in my world. I don't know how the heck I made that happen," Sparrow replied. "In fact, in my world, Tortall is a figment of someone's imagination."

"Hmmm…" Numair muttered. "It must be a side effect of the spell…"

"What do you mean Tortall is a figment of someone's imagination?" Daine asked curiously.

"You see, in my world, all hail the almighty Tamora Pierce, wrote a few series about Tortall. One series, is about Alanna, one series is about you and the other series is about Keladry," Sparrow explained.

"Could someone please do an intro of everyone?" Sparrow said.

The boy who defended me grinned and introduced everyone. He was Neal. Oh laa laa. He is quite suai (cute). Cleon who had helped me up was not that bad either. Sparrow wondered, 'Oh geee, how can I so not guess?' when she found out that the idiot boy was Joren.

"Keladry," Sparrow called. "How old are you?"

"15 years old," Keladry replied, surprised.

"It is just that I want to know which time I am in," Sparrow explained.

"How do we know you are speaking the truth?" Joren demanded.

"Well, dear Joren of Jerkiness, I clearly remember in the series that you smeared the corridor with oil, you urinated in front of her door, eeeewww, you trashed her room, you…" Sparrow said angrily, speaking out her speculation on the culprits of the pranks.

"I believe you," Joren said quickly, turning a weird shade of red.

"Oh no, please continue," Neal said. "Things are sounding interesting."

"Well, I remembered that in the first book, when Keladry was a probationer page, you had a crush on Daine," Sparrow continued, thinking Neal needed some shaking up.

"I believe you!" Neal yelped, becoming red, he looked everywhere but at Daine and Numair. Daine had a perplexed look on her face. Numair just stared at Neal admonishingly.

"Numair," Sparrow called.

"Yes?" Numair responded, breaking his stare from Neal.

"Let me get straight. I have only one hour here before I go home," Sparrow said.

"Yes," Numair replied.

"And you owe me BIG time, right?" Sparrow said.

"Um, yes, I guess," Numair answered.

"So you can be my official tour guide," Sparrow ordered. Sparrow gave him the plate of cha guai diao. "Try it, it is really good."

Sparrow walked over to the pages and squires. "All the pages and squires please line up in one line!" she yelled. Somehow, magically, they all appeared in one straight line. "Ooohh… Me like this power." Sparrow murmured.

Vinson was first in line. Sparrow kicked him where it really hurt. "OUCH!" Vinson yelled before folding over.

"You, Vinson, are the lowest being on this planet. You are one desperate idiot. Trying to rape a defenceless girl because no female would willingly come near you. I wish you were castrated!" Sparrow said. "You are a incorrigible jerk!" A chop appeared in her hand. She whacked his forehead with it. Now, his head was imprinted with large, red words, "RAPIST!"

The others started giggling and Vinson scuttled off to find a mirror. "Do you think that is very funny?" Sparrow demanded. Vinson's scream pierced the air. All the boys fell silent in horror. Vinson had discovered that he no longer could have offspring in the usual manner.

Sparrow kicked snickering Joren where it really hurt and stomped his foot. "You, Joren, idiot king, is a male chauvinist pig!" Sparrow exclaimed. Joren, before everybody's eyes, turned into a huge, brown, hairy pig with the words, "MALE CHAUVINST PIG" stamped on his back.

The next boy she stepped up to cowered. Sparrow kicked him where it really hurt. Boy, was she getting good at that. "Well, well, Garvey," Sparrow said. "You are the highest jerk of all kind. To turn you into a pig is too kind. But I have the perfect idea on what to do to you. Thank you Ainet and Lady Megahanne. You will have pink hair and green sparkles!" Garvey's hair turned into a frightful shade of pink and green.

"Not my beautiful hair!" Garvey wailed.

"Wait, that's not all. You get the honour of being married to my A-Math teacher!" Sparrow declared.

Miss Tang appeared and said, "You are not eating until you get your mathematical formulas correct."

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Garvey screamed.

Zahir quickly stepped out of Sparrow's kicking range. "Ha, like that would stop me. You, Zahir, since you think girls are so weak and should be in veils. Why don't you try it for yourself?" Zahir appeared as a girl in veil. "Oh my, you are quite a pretty little girl," Sparrow commented.

"ARRGGHH!!" Zahir yelled and ran off to find out whether he really was a girl in ALL sense.

"You, Quinden," Sparrow decreed. Quinden started to sweat. "Is a Male Chauvinist Pig like Joren!" Quinden turned into a pink pig, with the words, "MALE CHAUVINST PIG" stamped on his back.

The pigs huddled together and quivered. "I am hungry," Sparrow remarked. "I feel like having some bacon."

"Here piggy, piggy!" a man (who chased Kel's dog in the beginning of Page) yelled, holding a chopper. The pigs squealed in fright and vamoosed.

"Neal, Neal, Neal," Sparrow said, patting his head. No easy task since he was towering over her by nearly a foot. Now she paused and said cryptically, "I wish you would just see what is under your nose."

"Keladry, you go girl! You show what you are made of! I know the TP fans are rooting for you back home, or at least my RPG pple!" Sparrow exclaimed and she leaned closer and whispered, "You go get your man!" Keladry went red.

Sparrow stepped up to Roald and patted his head. "You poor, poor, boy, going to get wed to a total stranger," she shook her head. "Don't you have any spine, any will to want the freedom to choose your mate? I mean, it gets lonely at the top. Being the future king, your freedom is already curtailed, don't you at least want to choose who you will be with for the rest of your life? Or are you just too brainwashed from your father?" A roll of newspaper appeared in Sparrow's hand and she whacked the future king on the head.

"Oh wait, now I know what I should do," Sparrow exclaimed. "Group photograph! Everyone pose! Miss Tang, could you please help me take a few photographs before you continue to torment Garvey for the rest of his life?" Sparrow handed a camera that had magically appeared to Miss Tang.

Everyone suddenly appeared together in different positions. "Look at the camera and shout Tortall!" Sparrow yelled.

"Erm, what is a camera?" Esmond asked.

"Well, um, just look at the black thing Miss , I mean, Mrs Garvey is holding!" Sparrow commanded.

Everyone soon got into the spirit of things, making comical faces and different poses. After the "photo shoot", Sparrow conjured an autograph book and a pen. "Sorry, can all Kel's group people line up and sign my book please! Write it out to Sparrow!"

Kel and co. suddenly appeared standing in one line to sign Sparrow's book. "Why do you want our autographs?" Kel asked, surprised.

"So that my TP friends will go pea green with envy," Sparrow replied. When autographs were finished, Sparrow sent them back to their places.

"Okay, the rest of Kel's group people, I want to say that you all are open minded and so nice. There is at least one person back in my world who wants to get hitched to you in TP RPGs world wide, especially Cleon and Faleron." Sparrow said, meeting all their gazes.

"How about me?" Neal said plaintively.

"Oh, we don't take other people's guys. We all decided to leave you to, er hum, someone," Sparrow said and discreetly winked at Keladry who blushed.

"The rest of you people who dislike Kel or scorn her. Let me tell you this, this underestimation and disgust of women warriors will one day bring your downfall," Sparrow said and paused, letting her words sink in. "Or at least in my future fan fics when I feel sadistic."

"Meanwhile," she said, with a sparkle in her eye. "Please meet Xena, warrior princess! And for those who think that women are wishy washy and Lord Wyldon is a tough training master. Please meet my Physical Education Teacher, Mrs Toh!"

The mythical warrior princess appeared, all six feet of her, she threw her um, circle thing, which "pang", "ping", hit the walls, narrowly missing the boys' head. She charged at them. They scattered like the wind.

Meanwhile, Mrs Toh, wearing her trademark cap and holding her clipboard and stopwatch, stood under the shade and yelled, "Run 10 laps!" The remaining boys broke into a run. "Faster!" She yelled. "My students can run faster than you all, and they are all girls!"

"Are they going to be alright?" Daine asked worriedly.

"Yup, wait till Mrs Toh unleashes her famous exercising circuit. Where she makes you carry medicine balls up and down the stairs, do push ups, jogging, etc… again and again. The most irritating thing is that she stands in the shade and yells at you to hurry up. Trust me, after two rounds of the circuits and her yelling for you to hurry up, you feel like strangling her. Xena, well, she is a good guy, she will rough them up, but won't kill them. Okay, I am done here. I want to go and see how Cloud and Peachblossom look like," Sparrow said.

They went to the stables, trailed by a bemused Numair. "Woah," Sparrow said, looking at Peachblossom. He was big! Monster horse. Sparrow patted Cloud and admired the horse. She met Stefan and commented, "You are a good man, Stefan. Helping Alanna through her page years when she needed it. Can I have your autograph?"

"Me? A stable hand?" Stefan responded, startled, blinking.

"Yes, you have no idea how valuable your autograph will be," Sparrow said and gave him her autograph book.

Sparrow looked at her watch, 16 minutes has passed. "Let's go look at Sir Myles and the king," Sparrow said.

The trio met Sir Myles in front of the council chamber. "Sir Myles, you do not know who I am, but I think you are a good man. I am glad you have met Eleni and you are happy now," Sparrow said. "Can I have your autograph please?"

"Erm, alright," Myles said, surprised, he signed the autograph book.

"Now, onto the king!" Sparrow said cheerfully. "I am so going to tell him off, all those boys were just a warm up for this moment!" She added, with a wicked grin, "This is going to be fun, fun, fun…"

"Oh, oh…" Daine said, looking at Numair who was grinning in response.

********

"I am sorry sir, the king is in council at the moment," the guard standing at the door of the council room said firmly.

"Well, I think he will make an exception," Numair replied.

"Oh enough jabbering. If I could conjure the squires and pages into one line, why can't I the king?" Sparrow interrupted. "King jerkiness appear!"

"Lord Javis, you do not…" King Jonathon's voice trailed off as he realised that he had a change in location.

It took Sparrow quite a bit to regain her voice. TP was right, King J did have that aura that commanded attention and he was good looking if not for that dratted beard.

"Where am I?" King J spluttered, startled.

"King Jonathon, the unpardonable jerk," Sparrow announced. She waved her hand and his beard disappeared. Daine gasped and Numair's shoulders began to shake suspiciously.

"Numair, what is going on?" King J demanded.

"You will know in due time," Sparrow said coldly. "I only have," she consulted her watch. "42 minutes left, please shut up, so I can say my piece."

Surprisingly, King J did shut up. Prudent man.

"I understand your motives for keeping Alanna away though you could have practiced more tact. You are a knight, are you not?" Sparrow said and continued without waiting for his reply. "You then, would understand something called chivalry. Chivalry, that calls for the lord and liege to be both loyal to each other. You, dear idiot, have betrayed the laws of chivalry, made a mockery of it, by treating Keladry unfairly when all she asked was for an equal chance. She expected no privileges, no allowances, yet you misused your power to slight her. By doing this, you are announcing that females do not deserve a fair chance like the rest. In fact, looking at you now, you are truly a male…"

"Er hum," Numair interrupted in a rather desperate attempt of thwart Sparrow. Things would not fair well in Tortall if the present monarchy should be turned into a pig…


*********

Oh oh! What will happen next? Will Sparrow relent or will the king of Tortall be a pig with the words "MALE CHAUVINST PIG" stamped on the back? Or will she turn on Numair and turn HIM into a pig for interrupting? Which is a not too bad arrangement since Daine CAN talk to animals, you know =) Will this author just shut up and get in with the next part? Find out in Part 2!