When She Dreams…

She wondered if she should pray before she slipped into bed. She hadn't prayed since she was a little girl, when she'd pray to God to fix her mom. She shook her head and realized that was a lie; she'd prayed for Eric, she prayed he'd find his way home. She prayed when John went to the Congo, she prayed for days upon days, she prayed until he found his way home. She stopped praying when she got that letter, she forced herself to stop, she forced herself to stop feeling, and she forced herself to stop caring whether he was living or dead. She at least forced her brain to stop thinking about it and she learned to ignore her heart. In her thirty two years on this earth, she had learned her lesson well about forcing herself to not care.

It was only when she went to sleep….

She'd been fine that first year, it was just the occasional dream about him, dreams that their life together hadn't changed. It had though, he moved on, he had Kem; he had Matthew, that sweet little boy he almost never saw, yet he was so devoted to them.

These past few months though, she'd kept dreaming about him. Dreaming about the life they should have had together by now. The life they should have had if that letter hadn't come in the mail nineteen months ago…

She slipped into bed without the prayer and hoped instead that working for sixteen hours would send her into a dreamless sleep.

"Good morning" his beard tickled her throat as he kissed her neck.

"You need to shave" she giggled as she pushed his head away.

"Too lazy" he nuzzled into her neck some more

"You have work" she said fake pushing his head away

"Why is it I have to go to work and you don't?" he said lifting up to look into her eyes

A cry suddenly came from across the room and they both groaned.

"You're aware that you did that right?" she said looking at him

He gave her a little boy grin and rolled away from her and off the bed. He scooped the infant into his arms "Lissa, why do you always have perfect timing?" She calmed down as she looked into her daddy's eyes.

"Because she knows you have work in less than 40 minutes. Did you hit the snooze again without realizing it?"

"Shit" he said handing Alissa off to her.

She laughed as he hustled to the shower. "Isn't Daddy funny Lissa?"

The dream zoomed forward as dreams do….

"Wow you showered today" was his greeting as he walked into the room.

She laughed "Mrs. Winslow watched Liss, see I told you I'd learn to delegate." She allowed him to pull her into a chair on top of his lap.

"I'm very proud." He kissed her neck, "I don't suppose you feel like delegating again?" he asked as he started to kiss lower.

"Don't need to, I put her down in the nursery about ten minutes ago."

He turned her face to look into his eyes "Tell me you're not kidding."

She just smiled. She screamed as he jumped up from the chair with her in his arms, her arms went to his neck. He took off to the stairs with her in his arms. He didn't stumble once up those stairs, he was a man on a mission; there was no time to spare. He lifted her face to his once he got to their rooms, their lips connected; he let her slide of his arms. She went to pull off her shirt, but he caught her hands. "Oh no that's my job"

She could barely breathe when she woke up; her entire body ached for Carter to be lying next to her. He wasn't though, he never be there again. Their time was over; she wished her heart could just accept that.

She started to wonder for the millionth time if she should go somewhere besides County…She knew though that she'd never leave, those people were her family. She had no choice but to get up and spend another day with him, but not being with him.