Paper Heart

Okay…well…this stupid plot bunny attacked me last night and latched onto my pen. I had to stay up until 1:30am to finish it. Well, not exactly finish it; the bunny made me touch it up when I woke up as well. Evil bunny. Anyway, I think this came from reading to much Harry/Draco slash yesterday. I was reading Random Slytherin 1's stuff…it's really good! Go read some after you finish this… Don't you just love the Tortured!Draco? The angsty boys are always more fun to write! Even if it is under protest…glares pointedly at bunny… This story, monologue, thingy, is set on Graduation Day in Harry's Seventh year.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters
Warning: Slash, possible character death, lots of angst

'Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

I hate that saying. The first time I heard it was from my mother after my father had beaten me up. Now you're wondering what happened? You did. This is how it all started.

Do you remember that day in Diagon Alley? Of course not, you never cared about me. I suppose that was my fault though…I was an obnoxious 11 year-old. I made out to be all superior and I insulted the first person you thought liked you.

Then, on the train to school, I was an arrogant prat and I never dreamed you would refuse my offer of friendship. I thought you would be as easy to control and manipulate as Vince and Greg. But I suppose I wouldn't have fallen for you if you were a pushover.

And then you were sorted…into Griffindor. Of all houses, Griffindor! But I know about Slytherin. Did your friends ever tell you that the Sorting Hat actually called out 'S…Griffindor'? Well it did.

Maybe I was the only one that heard it.

When I heard the 'S' my heart leaped. And when the hat called out Griffindor, it stopped beating altogether.

I knew it was impossible then. We were complete opposites; night and day, ice and fire, dark and light…

love and hate…

You probably think I got those last two mixed up. You think that you are love and I am hate, don't you?

You're wrong.

You hated me and I loved you. From the Sorting onward that was all. It could never happen…never.

But during the holidays of maybe Second year, like the foolish child I was, I told my father I loved you.

And he said something like:

'Your master will not be pleased.'

My master. Voldemort. It's what I've been bred for. To become his right hand man, like my father, is my destiny.

But I don't want it. I just want you and to be with you. No strings attached.

I said something else to my father too.

I said that if you wanted me to, I would give up the Dark Arts, renounce Voldemort and tell the Aurors about what was really hidden in Malfoy Manor. If you wanted me to.

I realised I had gone too far a split second before his hand whipped across my mouth.

It was the first time in years he had touched me. He used to give me hugs and that…but that stopped when I was about six years old. After that there was only the occasional pat on the head or shoulder at social functions. To keep up appearances.

I can't remember any more of that night. I woke up in bed a few days later with my mother by my side.

She said

'Your father doesn't mean it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.'

And that's where I first heard the phrase.

So, here we are…I'm getting the Dark Mark inflicted on me tomorrow. And you probably think that I want it and that I can't wait to serve the Dark Lord.

Well, I don't want it and I can wait. I can't just sit back and let it happen.

I don't know why I'm spilling my guts to you, of all people.

Yes, I do. It's because I love you, because you'll go to Dumbledore to try to save my life and because I'd like to think you care.

Maybe you've picked up on it by now, but this is not just a love letter…it's a suicide note as well. No, it's too long to be a note…a suicide letter, perhaps?

I don't have any drugs and I don't want to die by my own curse. So I'm going to kill myself the time tested way of tortured muggles.

I'm going to slit my wrists.

And I'd like to see you one last time before I die. So I hope that when you burst through the door to save my life, I'm just about to close my eyes for the last time, so that you'll be the last thing I see.

I wish we could have had a brighter future, heck I wish we could have had any future together. I wish I could have told you how I felt in person instead of in a letter. I wish I had worked up the courage to kiss you before I died.

But most of all I wish that you care about what has happened to me, and that you will mourn my death like you mourn Cedric's.

But, if you do mourn for me, don't mourn for too long. Move on, be happy. I don't want to cause you pain and anguish for much longer.

Ah, if only you had accepted my offer of friendship on the train, it wouldn't have to end this way. If I hadn't been so commanding, and just asked you to be my friend instead of ordering, maybe none of this would be happening.

There are so many ifs I can think of. If only I hadn't been born who I am. If only I had been Sorted into Griffindor, or you into Slytherin, or both of us into Ravenclaw, even. If only it didn't have to end this way.

But ifs never get justified and this letter is getting too long.

If only the Dark Mark wasn't mine to bear. If only.

You won't cry for me. No one will weep save my mother. Not my father, not my friends, not you.

My life is meaningless. Except for you and flying, I enjoy nothing.

Flight. Everything seems different up in the air. Emotions are left on the ground.

My emotions are stretched to breaking point right now. Even if I flew for days they wouldn't leave me. Do you feel like me? Angry, scared, hurt, in pain?

If you do and this note and my suicide cause some of it, well you know what they say.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Even if, by some miracle, you love me as I love you, this is still the best way. If we were together, Voldemort or even my own father would kill us both.

I thought this all through and I decided that it is better for me to die and you to live.

So, if you love me, do not grieve for me. Do not make mistakes on account of your grief clouding your judgement. I don't want you to die.

I want you to live to be as old as Dumbledore. I want you to get married and have children. I want you to be happy. I want you to live happily ever after and I wish I was there to live with you. I don't want you to die.

So, I guess that all that's left to say to justify my suicide is; sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Cruel to your friends, cruel to your family, cruel to yourself.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Draco Hielo Malfoy.'

The boy dropped the tear splattered paper, took a shaky breath and looked at the table just left of where he was sitting. He was searching for the familiar white-gold hair. Not there. Draco Malfoy was not there. Emerald eyes widened as he scanned the table again. Definitely not there.

'Oh shit Draco! What have you done?