[Disclaimer: Middle-Earth belongs to Tolkien; the PPC to Jay and Acacia; Nessawen, Tira, Uuranor, Nilmalu, Turanmegil, Aranedhel, and that thing she dares to call Legolas belong to "ElvenPrincessofLegolas"; Threnody and Jaster belong to us.]
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!! REALLY, REALLY BEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!]
Threnody smacked the speaker and jumped down to shut it off. She stopped and stared at the screen, keening loudly.
"Nononononononononono. Can't ruin Silmarillion like that. Can't do that to history. Vanyar, Teleri, Noldor. That's all. Stupid Sue." She turned to Jaster. "I need Bleepka. Lots of Bleepka." And the psycho agent actually broke into tears.
Jaster noticed none of it, however. Sitting with his laptop, and listening to his favorite scores with his Walkman, he didn't even hear the alarm sound nor Threnody's ranting. He did notice, however, the fist that snapped his laptop closed and the other hand that jerked the headphones off his head and threw them against the wall.
"Hey!" He glared upward to his infuriated partner.
"Gear up. Now."
Not wanting to provoke the same kind of reaction he had received the last time he had ignored Threnody's demands, he sighed, turned off his computer and stood up.
"Where to?" he asked, looking at the screen.
"Rivendell. Elves, again, since that's where most of the action we will be forced to undergo takes place. She has an entire family of nice and friendly little dragons," Threnody grumbled. She tapped in the disguises, set the portal, and stepped into … nothingness? "Oh, I hate pointless prologues!"
Watching her storm through, he looked at his laptop one more time, wishing he could retreat to its kind shelter, and followed, weeping silently to himself all the while.
The Sue's voice overlaid their thoughts, explaining her horrible, horrible ideas of the Elves, mutilating the races, and generally annoying Threnody out of her mind.
I do only as the Valar asks.
"What the!? There were fourteen Valar. Valar is plural!" Threnody ranted.
Then the nothingness of the prologue resolved itself into a rather undefined hallway, down which fled the Sue, who was seven (equivalent to approximately two or three in true elves, but in the Sue equivalent to seven), and the severely maligned Prince Legolas.
"Commas…" grumbled Threnody. "Sentence fragments are not good. Are not good," she added in imitation of the Suvian's writing patterns. Then she went off into another quiet rant when Thranduil was introduced as Lord Thranduil. Jaster wasn't paying a great deal of attention; his mind was still on the game Threnody had interrupted.
The agents sat through a seriously painful lecture on 'Lord' Thranduil's part, then followed the Sue and Legolas (poor abused princeling) to their 'lessons,' which apparently consisted of a random elf asking random questions like "Does anyone know the word for 'stupid'?" which, unfortunately, was not one of the questions. And Legolas seemed to have acquired nameless brothers.
Then there was a brief temporal distortion, after which the agents found themselves watching the Sue and her family heading home. Legolas, to much applause from Threnody, offered a giant black snake to the Sue.
"Cool is not a properly archaic term, idiot Sue. Now you have gone from no commas to too many. Legolas is not an idiotic brat. Thranduil is a KING, stupid Sue. Mirkwood palace is underground as a tribute to Menegroth. Don't you know anything? Didn't you even read your books? Oh, wait, of course you didn't. If you had, you wouldn't have written this utter crap. What in all Arda!?" Threnody's rant broke off abruptly as a Temporal/Space Distortion took them to the Sue's uncanonical homeland, where they were greeted by the sight of a large, white dragon and an impossibly tall silver castle. Threnody was actually speechless for once. Jaster reveled in this brief moment.
The Sue's parents shared a sickeningly sweet reunion, then the Sue ran off to wash up so she could go visit her dragon friend.
Threnody stepped into the place of the unnamed maiden. "Princess Nessawen, slow down."
"Could you help me get dressed? My father said I can see Tira."
Threnody smiled wickedly and followed the Sue to her room, where she tied the laces of the Sue's dress absurdly tight, slipped pebbles into her shoes, and tangled her hair thoroughly. The Sue ran out to visit the dragon, and Threnody returned to Jaster with a smug smile on her face.
"How cruel. I suppose you had fun then?"
"Oh, yes. And the Sue can't even do anything about it, because she has to go have a silly conversation with her silly dragon friend in 'the language of Man.' Not Westron, though. English."
Then Chapter Two started, apparently twenty-five years later. The Sue had acquired a brother, named Uuranor, and somehow, Legolas and Nessawen were both seventeen, despite having lived for thirty-two years each. The dragon had produced three more dragons, but those were smaller and thus would be easier to kill.
The Sue described herself, and both Threnody and Jaster gagged in horror. Ash gray hair and blue and gray eyes… Ick. Legolas was described as well, Movie-verse, naturally.
A foolish fight ensued, when Legolas hit the tree next to Nessawen ("Darn it. Another one Legolas almost gets to kill," muttered Threnody.) and she shrieked at him, then attempted to shoot. For once, the Sue didn't outshoot Legolas, but she did swear that someday she would. ("Wonderful," grumbled Threnody, "Now we get to hear her little psycho-feminist rant.")
Then the entire dragon and Sue families flew away to Rivendell because Nessawen's mother had been poisoned by a random jealous maid. Several years passed in quick succession, during which Arwen became friends with the Sue. Poor Arwen.
The Sue and Arwen were talking about Nessawen going to the council, which was apparently planned for the next week. Naturally, Elrond had granted permission. Then Arwen mentioned rescuing Frodo—
"Bloody scene-stealer. Bloody movie-going Sue. There was a book first."
Then Legolas appeared, riding in on his white horse. Nessawen didn't recognize him at first, but he called her by the nickname she had so hated ("Nessy makes her sound like the Loch Ness monster," snickered Threnody.) and she developed an instant crush on him and he on her.
"Let's portal ahead to the Council. Nothing important happens until then," Jaster suggested, eager to get back to the response center and his interrupted game.
"Fine with me. I don't care to drown in sap." Threnody hit the necessary buttons on the remote activator and they took a seat on the nice little balcony-thing where the Council took place. The Sue arrived, and, aside from glancing confusedly at Threnody, took her seat.
A near MST of the movie council followed, then the Sue had to jump to the defense of Aragorn, of all people, and precipitate the fight. The most annoying thing about it, Threnody decided, was that most of the lines were actually right. Surprisingly enough. And the Sue had to step in with her knives immediately after Legolas and his bow.
"Now we can kill her, yes?" Then Threnody glanced at the Words. "Oh, no… nononononononononononononono…" She rose and began to pound her head against the column that Merry had recently vacated.
"What?" asked Jaster, nonplussed.
"The (bang) bloody (bang) Sue (bang) destroys (bang) the (bang) bloody (bang) Ring!"
Looking at the growing head wound Threnody was inflicting upon herself, Jaster winced then took a glance back toward the ten companions. Just now fully getting into the mission, his mind, partially thinking in the way a MUD gamer would, thought of an interesting death for the Sue. Smiling, he turned to Threnody.
Moving over to the column, he bent over and whispered his plan into her ear. A sadistic smile crept over her face, which was a very creepy effect amid the blood flowing down her forehead, and she portalled them ahead to Mount Doom.
Threnody waited until Legolas rescued the Sue, and began to cry out "Help! Help!"
The Sue's dragon, being a sweet thing, dove and rescued the two elves who were inexplicably stranded on the side of Mount Doom.
"Thank you," Threnody said graciously as she opened an enormous portal into darkness, through which the dragons and their respective burdens flew. "A time to kill…"
"Where are we?" asked the confused Legolas.
"Do not worry, my lord. It will all make sense in time." Threnody turned to the Sue, "Nessawen, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, creating Sinderforest, creating the Sinder Elves (They were called the Sindar), believing that the people of Rivendell, Mirkwood, and Lothlorien were all separate races, making Legolas a bratty idiot, being the Princess of the "first elves ever created", being dead and being able to tell a story, disgracing the Valar, calling King Thranduil a 'Lord', altering the known rate that Elves age, calling Legolas a dumb Orc, making Legolas say incorrect things just so you could correct him, making up stupid lessons (asking if they knew the words for 'arrow' and 'snow?'), giving yourself the same nickname as the Loch Ness Monster, using the word 'cool', creating a nice dragon named Tira, having a terribly described home and a silver castle that reaches the sky, naming your father Noldodan (NOLDODAN? You do NOT insult the Feanorians so!) Thinking that the language of Men was English (WESTRON! WESTRON, You STUPID Sue! NOT ENGLISH!) random tense switches, giving Tira a nice dragon family, having an improbable combination of ash gray hair and blue and green eyes, being unforgivably vain, 'sowing' a blanket, making Lord Elrond into some kind of medicine man, having a tragic (and cliched) past, mangling the English language, being friends with Arwen, cruelty to the common comma (there ARE none), using incorrect MOVIE VERSE, hating Legolas then falling in love with him then hating him again after you died, scoring a 114 on the Litmus Test by chapter FIVE out of THIRTY-FOUR, and destroying the ONE RING! You are sentenced to sudden, instant, and even immediate death. And here comes Ancalagon the Black to deal with you now." Threnody grabbed the stunned prince and her partner, and portalled out of there.
The agents neuralyzed the stunned prince, leaving him in his home forest, and portalled to Sinderforest, which they burned to the ground, temporarily usurping one of the offices of the DOGA, but the crackling flames were therapeutic. Then they returned to the response center.
"Oh, by the way, Jaster. My cousin will be here soon so you'll have to exert yourself to be interesting."
[Threnody's A/N: This Sue was really, really bad. Her formatting was terrible, her grammar painful, and her plot absolutely indescribable. But we got to use another Silm monster! *evil grin* And don't worry. Lil' Tevildo will probably make another appearance someday.
Jaster's A/N: Now…where's my laptop? More MUD time…*grins in glee*]