Part 1 is in the StarGate section of Fanfiction.net, here:
Just for the record, I do not own, nor do I claim ownership to characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or the Movie Dogma.
Part 2: Willow
Metatron was worried, when She got that glint in her eye, Metatron generally did the angelic equivalent of finding a comfy chair and some popcorn and sitting down to watch some well deserving individual get a humiliating, and often quite funny assignment, albeit a necessary one. Unfortunately, that look was now directed at him. He hoped this wouldn't be as humiliating as that StarGate palaver.
Scooby School Of Slayers, Southern England.
Buffy once again resisted the urge to find Kennedy, and beat the * Bleep * out of her. Once again Willow was girlfriend less, this time because Kennedy had left her for another slayer,
"Someone with stamina" Kennedy had said.
She, and Xander were doing their best to cheer her up, but it wasn't working. Quite frankly, Buffy was beginning to prey for a miracle…
"ALL HAIL THE METATRON, THE VOICE OF THE ALMIGHTY, ALL HAIL THE METATRON, THE VOICE OF THE…" Metatron stopped, and sighed, "Well, this is actually original, still it begs the question, why do I bother showing up for these gigs in Seville Row suits? It's either a bloody fire extinguisher, a hose, sprinklers, a bucket of water, and now I have miniature indoor rain cloud to add to the bloody list, honesty, I don't know why I bother"
"Who he hell are you and what are you dong here?" Buffy said a dangerous glint in her eye.
"And here I thought slayers were supposed to have enhanced hearing, as I said I am the Metatron, the Voice of God. When someone claims to have heard God speak, they have heard me, or more often than not, been stoned out of their minds"
"Still doesn't answer the question of why you are here, 'Voice'" Buffy spat the last out with enough venom and sarcasm to make anything up to a 2nd circle demon run screaming in fear.
"Oh, I'm scared" Metatron replied, deadpan, "Willow; you might not want to do that"
"Too late" he added, as Willow collapsed, her minds eye overloaded when she opened it looking at Metatron, he turned back to Buffy, intending to tell her Willow would be okay in a minute, he didn't get the chance.
"Bloody Hell!" He stood back up, walking through the newly created doorway back into Willows bedroom, "Girl knows how to throw a punch"
"You touch even one hair on Willow, or any of my friends heads, and I will seriously screw you over" Buffy threatened, grabbing the troll hammer out of a nearby cupboard"
"Little chance of that" Metatron muttered.
"Excuse me?" At this point, even a 1st circle demon would be quietly tip-toeing away, and even Lucifer would be considering taking a rain check on that fight, thank you very much.
"The screwing part, little chance of that" Metatron spoke as you would to an exceedingly simple person, "Might want to consider having your ears cleaned out, just a thought"
"Why little chance of that?" Buffy asked, puzzled.
"To answer your original question, while you are actually listening, I was sent here by God to cheer Willow up, she seems to think unhappy Willow is a bad idea for some reason, and to answer your last question, Angels are as anatomically complete as a ken doll, see"
Buffy saw, so did Willow who had finally woken up. She giggled, looked again, and burst out laughing, heading with an express ticket towards hysterics.
Buffy snickered, "Well, you seem to have managed to complete your mission Mr Voice"
Metatron just covered himself up, looking exasperated, thinking 'I sincerely hope this never gets out' as he vanished back up to heaven.
When he arrived there, he found God waiting for him, a hand over her mouth trying hard to suppress giggles, she waved over behind Metatron.
The Voice turned around and groaned as he saw an action replay of Buffy's punch, surrounded by what had to be a full half of the denizens of Heaven.
"Perfect, My humiliation, practically on National television"